Took Shanna to the Doctor today

And this is what happened....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWTt0QQjE8E

Pretty cool huh??

15 week old little baby in there!! One more added to the Christmas gift list!

I have never been witness to this before and I must admit, it was pretty cool... Little squirt even moved so we could get a good strong listen.

The start of a new decade

So, its Feb 16, 2011 and I am at a weird place in my life right now. I left Law Enforcement to start a new life and everyone always tells you how education is the key for betterment… I, in my experience to this point, haven’t really seen this.

After college, I knew I would have to basically start over and took a great job but it didn’t make much more than what I was making as a cop. I have never been one that has been attached to making a lot of money, buy I figured my degree would at least take me into a different pay grade.

While looking for jobs, I found many opportunities but hey were asking for a Masters degree, so I went back to school. I went back for more reasons than financial gain but it was one of the reason I went back. After Grad school, I found that the opportunities were there, but of course, the opportunities were specific to the degrees.

I did find some jobs that seemed to progressively move me forward and pursued those and then with my last job, not only did I find a wall, it seemingly collapsed on me and sunk me in the mud. Refusing to let my circumstances define me, I decided to take off on my own and try to create my own business.

The business I went to start was going to target schools and programs to help kids make good choices, professional develpoment, help to struggling families…there was a lot of money out there for those programs so my goal was to take the few months left in the year to get all my ducks in a row to get this launched at the first of the year.

I got my website up, got my programs lined out and then went in pursuit of the business and targeting the schools…I was so excited and things really seemed to be going well. I completed a book I always wanted to do, had things really moving forward and then 2011 came along.

The first week of the New Year, I woke up one morning and found that Texas Legislation went into session and decided to cut 80% of the funding I was looking to go after in the schools… A huge slam to what my dream was…HUGE! A week or two later, Texas education decided that they were going to cut 1100 jobs in public education in Texas.

With these cuts, it was said that school counselors were going to be cut and even school librarians. Along with that, the schools are probably going to have to increase the student to teacher ratio… Public education is slowly falling apart and it went into third gear here in its momentum. I had two great gigs lined up and those were cut… Another slam! Looks like Golden Intentions will just be that for a while…An intention!

I then got some kind of bug that really kicked my but and I was down and out for almost a month. I have never ben this sick before without a fever, so I am taking it that its allergies…Ahhh, getting older and the break down of our immunities…Aint it grand!? In that time, I decided that Golden Intentions was going to have to go on that back burner and it was time to get back into the groove of job hunting; finding more stability.

I decided that I wanted to be particular in my jobs and in no way wanted to go back to some large city like Houston or Dallas. I am willing to go to San Antonio or Austin so I went on the hunt... I really want to stay in the Hill Country but realized that this might not be an option. 

I started to look around and this started to add to my depression. The jobs I was looking for were/are minimal and the pay being offered was a decrease from the last two jobs I had… Talk about frustrated and a slam to my self esteem!

I was able to interview for one job and thought it was going to be a great opportunity and felt the interview went well. The CEO told me she would contact me in two weeks and I heard nothing…. Why cant people keep their word anymore?? Am I the only one that sees the value in ones word anymore?  I wrote e-mails and called and could get no response…After finally leaving a dire message about my concern, 3 minutes after the phone message, I got an e-mail from the CEO with a thanks but no thanks response… Not even the courtesy of a call… She saw I was calling and instead of talking to me directly, she respnded a few minutes later in an e-mail... WOW!!! Again, another whammy!

So, now I have put in 60-80 resumes and have heard from very few of them. Some are denials, some with the “you’re over qualified” a couple I declined, and some that offered no response at all… I even started looking out of state… I spend 4-6 hours EVERY DAY looking through any and every job placement website, newspaper, newsletters, etc to find jobs…In those searches, I seem to find maybe one a day…sometimes two… It’s so very frustrating and I never thought after getting my education completed, I would find myself in this place…. We just never know what life has in store for us and no matter how secure you think you are, the future is ALWAYS uncertain! DOnt EVER think that what you invision and prepare fro in the future is the way its going to happen, but with that same statement, dont EVER lose sight of your dreams...if we dont have dreams, what do we have?

So as of today, I am waiting on a call back from a national non profit organization (GREAT opportunity and I hope I get it!) and was blessed with a call for an interview with the American Red Cross. This job is a great job, I know the boss and she is a wonderful person and I would love to work for her…The jobs pay is less than my first job after college but the benefits of the job make it very appealing.

I get so frustrated as I really do believe that “good out” brings “good back” and every since I have been out of work, I have been giving, in service to others and done so many things to “give.” Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t do it to get anything in return, I do it because I love it but it seems that possibly, that old distinction has some fallacies…

Since the New Year, I have had my step daughter and granddaughter move back in with me and all of the things we agreed to that would constitute this move have not been adhered to… Nothing has changed and I don’t feel that the desire for change, the drive for something different is something she wants…Not that I am mad about it, but man, it sure seems like a waste of time and all the effort put towards making this work has been wasted air and wasted time… And the risk we took to make this happen, WOW! 

No matter how sweet you make something for someone, no matter how much initiative you put towards helping others attain their greatness, if they don’t want it, there isn’t shit you can do to make it happen….Its sad when you see so much potential in someone and they just want life to happen for them… She focuses more on the drama of the life she left behind than the future that she could have for her…I just don’t get it! People say they want life to change, for life to be different, but they take no real initiative to make that a reality… That just isn’t how life works man and some people never get that.

My little house has gotten smaller….I had a flood on my laminate floors… I had a month of being sick… I have a leak in my truck tire, I broke my new camera, I see my daughter slowly creeping back to a life she had before with a scumbag, dead beat, dope fiend, thief father for her kids to be around… Creating a life for her kids with no security and no possibility to have a different life than “that.” As much as I hate the victim mentality, I sure wish I could get a break.

This week has some opportunities ahead for me and still have some resumes out there lingering but I am clear that I have no desire to go back to case management of people and really want to find some kind of a management, executive type position… I am going to be 45 this year and have nothing set for any kind of retirement… My student loans are about to kick back in and the IRA I cashed in to cover this break in jobs is starting to not be much of a cushion. The bills are getting ready to start and as of the end of this month (a week or so away) I have been unemployed for 5 months… An impeccable professional work record, solid work ethic, drive for betterment, desire for excellence, a Masters degree and I cant find a job… WTF is wrong with this picture!?

I guess it’s just a down time in my life right now and I felt it was important to document this. I like to document all the amazing things to reflect on, but I think it’s important to document the rough times to so I can come back and reflect when the breakthrough comes along. I know something good lies ahead but man, I am growing weary of the this cloud that seems to be lingering over my head.

I guess I just need to vent, and my blog was set up to experience all of my journeys….Rough spots included! So, if you are reading this, I appreciate it…If you have any input on what other options I might be missing, I am all ears.

I guess the Universe is perfect and in that, these struggles are equally as perfect… I have faith and hope that this too will pass, and I am ready for it to pass… If this is a dualistic universe, then GREAT things HAVE to be ahead…Don’t you agree!?

Well, thanks for reading, thanks for listening to me whine…Sometimes just getting it out of my head and onto paper is calming and relieving. Its time for the sun to shine and the great things to come along…It’s not like I am not working to make it happen…. I am clear that waiting on life to happen to you will leave you waiting all your life… I am actively pursuing something greater, so something greater is on the way!

Only time will tell! AHHHHHHHHHHH……GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!