"How is it emergency field people don't suffer from this. Yes, soldiers see a lot of terrible things on their tours. We as officers and emergency workers see tragedy, destruction and carnage regularly, over the course of a 25+ year career. How are these fields not represented in these studies and examined?"
When I was on the streets, there was no treatment for events, there was no decompression or follow up when we worked horrific scenes. We were encouraged to get our reports done, and go home... What generally happened on the way home was a stop at the liquor store on those days.... Well, on most days...
As the years have unfolded, and more light is shone upon this issue, it was determined, of course emergency workers suffer from this. However, it is still very much a taboo to reach out for help in these fields if one is suffering. Sadly, PTSD events, our exposure to tragic and horrific things and needing to process it is seen as a weakness and could affect ones professional life, and pursuits. I don't know that this stigma will ever been removed from this issue, but at least its getting some attention and there is work being done to help our emergency workers.
In 2018, after several very tragic events, a dead baby, a child that was killed in an accident, and then a child client being killed in a flash flood, I broke.
I have been very aware of my PTSD and was diagnoses as having PTSD in 2003 after having some serious struggles trying to re-enter the "regular world" from the "cop world." I was having difficulty in social settings, with anxiety, with the feeling of "I don't belong" as well as re-occurring nightmares with visits from those I had witnessed killed, or horrific scenes I had been on. Trying to adjust to a "normal" world from a world of emergency fields was a very tough...Probably one of the hardest things I have had to do.
I went from a world of adrenaline rushes, high speed chases, fights, foot chases, being known and respected in the field, to a "nobody." I knew I didn't want to be a cop anymore, but I had no education or training to do anything else. I had hundreds of hours of training, and experience that most humans will never have, and I was simply another person out in the world, trying to figure it out. 17 years later, there are still days I am trying to figure it out.
I was always aware after being diagnosed, struggles or issues I was having with sleep or emotions was probably related to my PTSD. Because of that awareness, I never really suffered from anything I couldn't manage. In 2017, that all changed.
After the death of a baby where I work, even though I didn't work the case, I started to have some real issues with babies deaths I had worked in the past. My dreams were filled with dead babies, my brain would shift to dead babies and me seeing their faces...I also started to recognize I was becoming angry much easier, frustrated, on edge...I would SNAP over ridiculous things.
I knew this was related to the PTSD and reached out for help with my job at the time. Oddly, the day after I reached out for help, my symptoms went away. The dreams stopped, the weird thoughts...It just quit. So, with that, I didn't pursue any other support over it, and just went back to my every day routines.
In 2018, we lost our oldest daughter. This event shifted everything in our lives. At the time, I thought I was doing OK with this tragedy, little did I know what was brewing.
After this loss, my focus was on my family and trying to grieve and get through this horrible time. Not too long after, the dreams and anger returned, but not on a scale as profound as previously, but it would grow. I continued my focus to be on my family.
In July of 2019, I had a youth I was working with who had aged out of the foster care system, and on THE DAY of getting him out of foster care placement, and on his own, just a few hours after his move in to his apartment, he was killed in a flash flood. The night I got news of this, I was betrayed, once again, by someone close to me, and attacked. Not only was my character attacked, many of the things I hold dear to me were attacked...My Integrity, my caring and compassion, my big heart... Yet another huge betrayal and not just a betrayal, an attack and betrayal in one of the darkest moments of my life. Oddly, from a "Social Worker" friend, who was also one of the "leaders" for the organization I worked for, and was fully aware of my loss, as well as my struggles and depression. Just another bit of evidence that people suck... But this guy and his wife, they suck more than most. Of all days and times to attack me..What sorry, low life, hateful, TAKERS they are.
It was here that I SNAPPED. I lost complete control of my emotions, my anger, my sense of wanting to even continue with this life. I might have had a grip on the losses, but this betrayal just toppled any pillars of support or confidence I had. I can remember the night clearly, and I remember the words told to me that made me snap back to reality.
After experiencing this betrayal, and losing myself in the emotion of all of this tragedy, I was out of control, I lost all control of my emotions and ability to "grip"... I was completely unhinged, out of control.... I remember Donna looking at me, and for the first time in our lives together, she said
"You are scaring me."
And all reality snapped back in an instant.
I love Donna more than life itself. I would lay my life down for this woman, I would step in front of a charging bull for her to protect her, and to hear her tell me I was "scaring her" was profound. I never want Donna or my family to be scared of me. I want them to always look at me as a place of safety, and security. It was THIS moment when I KNEW I was spiraling out of control and as much as I just wanted to end this life of struggle and hardship, I KNEW I needed to make some significant changes.
I went in to work the next day to quit. I found this "friend" had gotten there earlier to try and bury me. Not only did he attack me, he attacked Donna, and our relationship/marriage too. He revealed stuff I told him in confidence, as a friend, all in an effort to make himself look good. I heard him say before
"Make sure your story is the first told, because that's is what people will believe"
and man, he was on a mission to do that!
I was DONE with direct care and the profession I had been in. There was no way I could continue this path and be healthy, so I was going to just walk.
While I was packing up my office, my boss came in, closed the door and asked me if we could talk. After agreeing, she stated she could see I was in a terrible place and the events that unfolded were tearing me apart, so she recommended I stay, take a leave of absence and pursue help through the County I worked for. I explained I would take any help offered, because I was so lost, and we moved forward to get me some help.
I am not one that fears counseling, or coaching, or help...I actually encourage it. But let me tell you, making that call to get help and start therapy was very scary for me. I have it ENGRAINED in my head reaching out for help around this type of thing is WEAKNESS and the implications of such weakness could impact me professionally and personally...And sadly, it isn't incorrect.
It is a sad thing when people in the emergency fields cant reach out for help when suffering from the trauma they have experienced in their professions and how it impacts them in a way that causes such pain. Whats funny, is this is seen as "weakness" when in reality, these events never impact me, or others I know, when dealing with crisis, or emergencies. For me, and those I know, these experiences come when we are at rest, alone, quiet, in our heads....NOT when we are doing the job. But, how does one shake that stigma?
When I set up my counseling session, I was really terrified of what could happen as a result of this pursuit for healing, but I knew if I didn't get the help, I might just lose my mind, hurt myself, hell, hurt others.
I can remember the first time after the event, driving around, I had terrible anxiety. I knew I was unstable and was on edge. I knew I had the ability to "snap" at any minute...I even considered an in patient program so I could feel more safe. When I was driving around to get to appointments and such, I was scared of getting in even a small fender bender, or being in a crowd and getting bumped, or pushed. The thought of it made me want to hurt someone, so it was very scary to me to put myself in these situations because I didn't know if I would just snap and go off, and as a result, either get myself very hurt, or really hurt someone else. I actually felt myself coming out of my skin at times. It was a horrible feeling.
At my first session, I told the therapist of my concern. I was defensive, and pretty shitty to her. I wanted to assure complete discretion, BEYOND what HIPPA requires for medical professionals. I expressed my concern for my reputation and professionalism, and explained to her, without these assurances, we would never get to the core of what is killing me, and I KNEW I had to get to the core of it.
After an hour of discussion on the topic, I felt a bit more assured. However, I was tip-toeing around her, still concerned about getting into all the things I had done, and experienced in my professional life.
I have a very difficult time trusting people. There was a period of my life after Law Enforcement, and prior to this event, where I saw how my mistrust of people was hindering my experience of people, so I took some chances, and worked VERY hard to let my guard down, and openly trust people... What a mistake that was.
In this time period of "trusting people" I discovered one of my closest friends, a guy I had truly been to war with, been in life and death situations with, celebrated birthdays and holidays with, new births, graduations...Hell, my kid even gave him a kidney; had betrayed me terribly. Not only did he betray me, he masked the betrayal for years, KNOWING I was suffering from what had happened, hiding it from me, even trying to cast the blame on others and lying to me over and over while his POS wife was bashing me, belittling me, just overall NASTY.... What was even worse, is when I had experiences of suffering from this, it was HIM I called to cry to, tell of my broken heart, my confidant in so many personal things in my life...And the whole time, it was HIM that had created ALL of it. When I found out it was him, and addressed him on it, not only did he deny it, he avoided it, and continued the lie.... When all I wanted was an explanation and an apology... He couldn't even offer me that... What a great "Friend" I chose huh??
Shortly after that, I discovered my best friend through my college years, the guy I went to Grad school with, he betrayed me too. He took advantage of my kindness, my home, and my family... He committed the ultimate betrayal as a Mason, and he too never offered an apology, an understanding... Not sure I would have heard it...And as a result of this betrayal, he caused a riff between someone I love and adore... He cut me so deeply and dirty, it has impacted my family.
Then, the betrayal on the night of the loss of my client. Another Mason, "Brother".... Another piece of shit who attacked me at my most vulnerable spot. A guy that was FULLY aware of my suffering over the last couple of years. A guy, AND his sorry wife, that I used to vent, express my suffering, my pain. A "social worker" that praised himself as "exceptional"...His wife, a "social worker" as well, who she too explained her "greatness" in the field, her ability to connect and help people...What a friggin JOKE these two are! Not only attacked me, but attacked my character, my integrity, my loyalty, and my Obligation as a Mason. It is a very fortunate thing Donna was with me when this happened, because had she not gotten in the middle of that, I dread to think of how it could have unfolded; it was in this moment the towers crumbled around me!.
Now, I was supposed to trust some stranger with my deepest and darkest experiences?
Let me tell you, as I type this now, I have given up the "trust everyone" ideal, and am back to trusting NO ONE again. It just seems to be less of a hardship on me and my spirit. It isn't a burden to me to give that up, clearly the burden I experienced was IN the trusting. I wont make the same mistakes again.
After a couple of sessions with the therapist, I felt more comfortable to pursue my issues. I will add, I was terrified with each thing I would tell her, expecting this would not stay in the therapy room. I knew I had to get this help though, so I continued on, feeling at each revelation I was losing even more of a grip on life and my spirit to continue in this life. It was terrifying for me...Truly terrifying.
My therapist and I agreed to start an intensive therapeutic process. 8 hours of intense therapy a day, for 10 days. After the 10 days, we would re-evaluate the progress and start fresh from there.
To give you an understanding of how dark our lives in emergency professions can be, let me share this...
My therapist had been a licensed therapist for over 10 years. After my 10 days, she told me that she had never heard such things and couldn't believe people in these fields experience such destruction, darkness, tragedy, loss of life, etc... I found it funny she had been doing her job for so long, and it was me and my experiences that shocked her.
After the 10 day process, we went back to dark, and impacting places I had opened up about in our sessions. She stated she wanted to try and do EMDR on me to process through the dark places that seemed to visit me regularly, so we went to the one that seems to impact me the most.
When I was a Patrol Deputy, I drove up on a scene one night, late, probably 2:30am. The scene, at first appearances didn't seem so bad. I drove up on a car accident, in the middle of an intersection. It was a "T-Bone" accident where a car had hit the drivers side of another car, right on the drivers door. As I pulled up, there were 2 guys dragging a 3rd guy into a parking lot of a gas station at the intersection. My first thought was these guys are dragging this guy out of the vehicle to beat him for the accident. I pulled into the parking lot and drove right up to the 3 guys, I roled down my window and said....
"Hey, what the fuck are you doing?"
And immediately, the men looked up at me in a panic...
"We just drove up on this accident and are getting this guy out of the vehicle. There is a girl still in the car and she is in really bad shape, we cant get her out of the car, pleas, help her...please!!"
I called on the radio to let dispatch know what was going on, and immediately went to the car. In the passenger seat was a very pretty, young girl, long brown hair and it was clear she had been out and was dressed nicely. She was unconscious, so I immediately went and took her pulse. She wasn't breathing very well if at all, and I detected a faint pulse. I knew I was going to have to do CPR on this girl soon, and I tried to get her out of the car. As I tried to extract her, she was stuck on something. I knew there was a sense of urgency to get her out, so I started to look for what was hanging her up.
The car she was in was the car impacted. The drivers side was crushed, and she was thrown into the passenger seat, over the console. As I explored the vehicle to find what was holding her in, I saw that the drivers side of the car had buckled, and one of the buckles of metal grabbed her left foot and it was pinched in the metal. There was NO WAY I was going to be able to get her out of the vehicle, so I sat with her, in the car, holding her head as she took her last breath, and life exited her body. I sat with her until she died. It was only a minute or two, but I felt so helpless, so inefficient, so worthless to do anything.
After she was dead, I went back to the task at hand and managed the scene. Notified dispatch of updates, got ambulances rolling and all other agencies and support needed to effectively handle this incident. This was in the city of League City, so once they arrived, I released the scene to them, helped in managing it, and when my help was no longer needed, I left the scene.
This event has been something that visits me regularly. The girl has visited my dreams on several occasions, as well as the entire memory of the experience. Every time, it has been a "heavy" memory and stirs such emotion in me... From anger, to sadness, and in both spectrums, a lot of tears and heartache.
We chose this event to do my EMDR experience.
Now, I have read up on EMDR and am aware of what it does in regards to digging up the dark stuff we bury and try to forget. I was terrified to find anything darker in this experience and I struggled to manage my anxiety thinking about pursuing this. As a matter of fact, on the first day we were to try it, I chose not to because of the fear of what could come up. Our second attempt revealed something that was so overwhelming to me, I was in a haze for a couple of days over it.
Much of what I read about PTSD and EMDR was that people who suffer from PTSD stuff and block out tragedy, blood, gore, etc.... So, I was really scared about what might come up I had blocked out.
We started the EMDR exercise, and in the exercise, while doing the EMDR process, you are to tell the story as best you can remember...So I started with the story I wrote above. When I got to the end of the story, I said....
"A couple days later, I saw the obituary in the paper of the girl. I looked up the Mother of the girl, and I called her. When I called her, I explained I was the Deputy that was first on scene, and I was with her daughter. I apologized to her for not being able to do more to save her daughter, and hoped she could forgive me"
I could not believe this came out of my mouth. I felt like I was standing outside of my body, watching myself say this, and was shocked to hear it. I have told this story to people probably a hundred times, and NEVER remembered this. I can tell you, it almost made my knees buckle. I had to stop the exercise, and gather myself. I felt short of breath, dizzy, and overwhelmed, I had to close my eyes, put my face in my palms, BREATHE... I dropped my face in my hands and just balled... How in the world did this come out of my mouth? I could not carry on with the session, my mind was racing..
At first, I was in disbelief. I really thought she had planted this in my head, coerced me into saying this. I had absolutely NO memory of it. I did not believe it was a truth. When I left the office, I was still in this weird haze. I thought, if I actually did do that, Donna would know, because I would have told her about it. As I was considering this, I started to SEE myself doing this...The memory was returning, or the memory was planted, but it was becoming much more real as I processed all of this. So, I called Donna, pretty emotional...
"Donna, I have to ask you a question. Do you remember the young girl I worked on that accident that always seems to revisit me?"
"Yes, of course I do"
"Do you remember if I called her mom?"
"Yes, I remember...You called her and told her you were sorry you couldn't do more"
Man, a WAVE hit me of emotion, and I told her I had to get off the phone.
I was sitting in my jeep, and I felt this weird weight of a thousand pounds, LEAVE my body. I was crying, shaking.... I couldn't believe it! I could not believe I had blocked this out...Why??
The rest of that day, and that night, I was in a very strange place...Like between reality and dream... I could not grasp why, and it was overwhelming.
The next day, I went back to my therapist and went through my day after we parted. I was still overwhelmed by what came up, and why it came up like that. Why would I block out such a caring thing?
After processing this with her, we concluded this was the way I protected my human side, my big heart, my caring and compassion. I blocked this out to shelter those things from the harshness of what I experienced. She concluded I was protecting my caring side so as to not violate that, and make it something and keep it in tact. This made sense to me, it seemed very on target because after that experience calling her mom, I never reached out to anyone again after a call. Not a follow up, or a check in, nothing...
I cannot express the relief I felt through this. I knew I had stuffed things, blocked things out, but I always feared it was something even more dark and nasty than what I remembered. To know it was simply my caring side, my empathy and compassion, this was a huge wave of relief for me. I was truly terrified to find anything uglier than what I remembered.
Although this was a period of "up" in my process, I was still in a very dark place. I felt very alone, unable to burden those close to me with my hardships, unable to break the stigma of having to NEED help, unable to be the strength my family needed in one of the darkest moments. Many people that know me will tell you, confidence is generally not something I lack. I have been called arrogant at times because of my self confidence. This period of time CRUSHED that.
Not only was I carrying the weight of people I trusted with EVRYTHING in my life betraying me, the loss of children, the PTSD related dreams and nightmares, the anxiety of not feeling like I was in control, I was unable to be the "rock" my family needed, I was unable to carry the weight.... I felt useless, like a burden, like my hardship and suffering was only making the hardships and suffering of those close to me even harder.
I felt useless, unworthy, a burden, broken, "less than"..... I questioned if I wanted to continue this struggle, this life, these burdens. I questioned if I was even important enough that it mattered. Ending it all really didn't feel like a bad option....As a matter of fact, in that space and time, it felt like my not being there would make the world better for those close to me.
While in this terribly dark spot, I got a text from one of my old Sheriffs Department buddies for me to call him. This is by far the first of such messages. I knew something bad had happened...
When I called him back, he explained to me that one of my rookies, one of the guys I had trained and saw come up in Patrol had killed himself, shot himself.
Mike was the first guy from my time with the Sheriffs Department that showed up to Janeen's funeral. He is one of the guys who stayed in touch over the years through texts and messages. He worked his way through the ranks, all the way to the command of the Patrol Division before he retired, about 3 years before he took his life. Mike was my rookie, and I trained him on the streets. We even had a "hard spot" at one time, and because we really did like each other, we sat and hashed it out, one on one, finding resolve, then building a Brotherhood!!
Needless to say, with all of this other weight, I was devastated! This was not the first friend I had lost to this, and I was completely stunned that Mike had taken this path... In a time where I had looked at that path as an option.
I immediately booked my flight to get down to be there for Mikes service and as usually happens, started getting calls from many of my Buddies from that period of my life. These calls were really eye opening for me.
I probably had 20 calls over the next couple of days about Mike and what had taken place, and in those calls, three of my buddies, Brethren, spoke to me about periods where they had considered the same route. These three also told me their plans, how it happened, what stopped them...They really opened up to me about their struggles and suffering....To which I never had ANY clue.
After hearing these stories from my Brothers, I really took a close look at where I was, what I was experiencing, what I could do to assure I never took that route. I was now scared, confused, and overly sad in general.
I went to the funeral for Mike, and I was so moved by the outpouring of love and support for him. I KNEW in the moment when he made his choice, he felt completely alone, completely unworthy, and searching for peace that clearly wasn't coming to him. The number of uniformed officers, and deputies, retired officers and deputies and general citizens just coming to show their love and support was terribly emotional for me. I had a profound awareness of my personal struggles in this space, and a profound awareness that Mike, nor myself, were alone at all.
My confidence was still nothing, my feeling of being alone was still profound, but I realized I had made this up, and it wasn't true. I am surrounded by people who care about me, and why I felt alone wasn't because of that, it was because no one could grasp what I was going through. I was still suffering terribly, but I knew my thoughts of ending it were ridiculous. I had far too much to live for, too much to still accomplish and my suffering, as difficult as it was, was not worth calling it quits!
The trip to Texas for Mikes funeral was a huge part of my healing. It really made me take a huge turn and focus on my immediate reality and connection with those I love, and who love me. Little did I know the change that was coming.
Before leaving Texas, I went to the spot where I worked the accident with the young girl. I parked my vehicle in the parking lot of the gas station where I saw the passenger being dragged, got out, walked up to the corner, and took a minute to be IN this experience. I could feel the emotion building in me and I said out loud…
"I am sorry I couldn't help you more, I hope you are at peace."
And after wiping the tears from my cheeks, I turned and left... I had made my peace with my demon.
After being there for Mike, and making my peace with my ghost, I could feel things changing... I could feel lightness, joy, and I actually had some peace with all of what had taken place. I wont say I was "healed" and I am quite sure I never will be "healed" of the tragedy, the destruction, the betrayals... Those things will always be with me, but I was seeing some light, I could see the path in front of me again.
At the time of this writing, I am still in a place where I am trying to recover my self confidence, mend my soul, find peace with ME. My therapy concluded, and I walked away feeling like I had really accomplished something. I felt like I wanted to continue, to keep moving, to take on life... Because for some time, I have had a very clouded view of that.
When the world broke in July of 2018, I gave up drinking...Again... But this time, I took notice of what I had been doing with my drinking.
I came to a very real understanding, I don't really like myself all that much. Over the last 10 years, I had drank myself to numbness, almost every single day of those 10 years. I was using alcohol to separate myself from people, and my reality. I would start drinking when I got home, and every night, drink myself to blackout by 10:00... I truly lost myself in the bottle!
While in my drunken stoopers, I had pushed people away from me, I had been ugly and nasty to people to push them from me and I had lost myself in the haze of numbness through alcohol. I didn't like myself, why would I want others to like me? Now, being sober for over a year, I can reflect back with much more clarity of what I had been doing.
I am certain, my thoughts will never be clear of the darkness I have seen, experienced, and been a part of. I am certain I will have the dead I have worked still visit my dreams, I am certain the gory and horrific scenes will still vividly be a part of my life, the abused and neglected children, the murdered people, the abused and victimized...They are ALL a part of who I am, and part of why I move through the world like I do... And honestly, I would never want to be rid of those memories.
I am sure I have not lost my last Brother to this, I am sure there are MANY of my Brothers suffering terribly with this type of darkness, and burden. I hope, with this blog, my Brethren and others will read it and realize they are not alone, there is an answer to these struggles. However, to find those will take some difficult decision to be vulnerable, to be open to possibilities, to EMBRACE those difficult things and be comfortable with those things being a part of who you are.
I am fully aware, in the space of heavy burden and darkness, no "Call me anytime Bro" or "I am here if you need me" or "Please, reach out" means anything... Those words mean NOTHING when suffering...All we want is for the suffering to END, but, there are other options.
For those of you struggling, or even those of you concerned, I encourage you to seek the help. I encourage you to look at EMDR therapy and let yourself experience the healing of it. I hope people see this and understand, ending it truly isn't the only option. I hope people see this and understand there IS light in this suffering.
And I hope my Brethren, and anyone else reading this who are suffering knows, as empty as it may feel, as alone as you might think you are, YOU ARE NOT!!
To ALL my people in Emergency fields, and to all those outside of my circle in these fields, I HONOR YOU!! I am grateful to have stood with you in dark times, and I am grateful to stand beside you in dark times. I had your 6 then, I will have your 6 always. You people are some of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I am HONORED to be a part of this life!
Blessings to you all. Take care of yourself out there, and "in there"...And remember the motto.... ALWAYS GET HOME!! Be safe folks... Never hesitate to reach out if you need... I am never too busy to hear from my people!
Peace! to you all!
***In Memory of my lost Brothers, Mike and Marty, you are not forgotten, and you are STILL loved!!***
