Lately I have realized that I am at a place in my life that I am not content....I have become complacent and in that place, it causes me unrest. In unrest, I start to search....In my search I have two directions....Look forward at what I can do, or sit quiet and reflect on who I BE....lately, I have been in the place of "DO" and am finding myself lost, unable to grasp the fullness of life I know is there....I am, in many ways, MISERABLE!
3 nights ago, as I was flipping through the channels, I saw on PBS there was a Wayne Dyer (one of the people I truly think GETS IT) special on...A new one. I turned to the channel and realized I was at the credits end of the show and had missed the content. I turned the channel to some useless TV show, settled in and didn't think about it. The next night I get a call from an old friend (the one that enrolled me into the trainings in Dallas) and it was "odd" to just randomly hear from him. We had a general conversation and in the conversation, he asked if I had seen the new Wayne Dyer PBS special. I explained how I had JUST missed it but wanted to see it...He said...
"Wow, I figured since this guy is your mentor, you would have caught that"
I explained that I wanted to see it, but just missed it....He went on to tell me a little about it, our conversation shifted, and we went on to talk about other things.
Last night, as I channel surfed, I saw that Wayne was back on PBS and I turned it on, only to catch the last 30 minutes of the show. Just listening to him speak, I realized that I have lost connection with my "source" and it was high time to get back in touch with it...I also realized that to do so, I was going to need some coaching, and for me, Wayne has always been a good coach.
I went to I-Tunes and downloaded his program. I decided that I was going to re-connect with what has been a constant in my life of "working" and use this channel to re-connect with who I BE and work to step away from what I was/am DOING.
I downloaded the audio book, put it on my I-pod, burned 5 CD's to have them so I could listen in the car, and today, SHIFT happened!
I got into my car to drive to work....Its only a 15 minute drive to get there, and I started to listed to this "guru" of mine, Wayne Dyer.... Almost immediately, I started to find a calmness in myself....It wasn't so much the words or the voice, it was the connection to something that has worked time and time again that I simply had misplaced.
As I drove to work, I listened to Wayne speak on this CD....It wasn't his usual type of lecture...I could tell he is reading from a written format, but his message was clear to me... I actually started to "see" things differently.
Now this download is a 4-5 hour recording, and I was basically through the intro by the time I got to work. Not thinking too much about it, but aware of my conscious state, things were "different"....
As I got to work, I went to the duties at hand. I hired a new employee and today was the intro day to her tasks, duties, paperwork, etc...
I was also called in by my boss because she had to make the ALWAYS uncomfortable choice today to let someone go....All of their own accord, all of their creation, but it was time for this employee to move on. I was asked to be a witness in the room for the termination and of course, I was there for it. After the formalities were done, and the employee was dismissed, I could see in my bosses face that she was suffering with the decision. I closed the office door, went to hug her, and asked her if she was OK.... She started to sob and was upset with the decision...
As a side not here....I am of the belief that sometimes you just have to let people go, but unless they are some kind of sociopath, ANY time you have to terminate someone from their job, it should be an uneasy, uncomfortable, and emotional process....To me, its this type of personality and caring that shows the quality of the human being you work for and with....As necessary as it is, to terminate someone should ALWAYS be a tragic thing... It just sucks!!
Because there are no accidents, last week, my boss and I decided to schedule a lunch together and shortly after noon, we went to spend that time together. We spoke about generalities and common things...friends, our weekend, our dogs, our cars....just general conversation....Then a lady walked into the restaurant.
My boss excused herself and went to greet this woman. She came back with her, introduced me to her, and then when we parted ways, she went into the explanation of who this woman is/was in her life....Come to find out, it was a woman that she worked with in a tragic time in her life, a time when she could have used this person to her advantage, and chose to allow her human nature to shine through and SURRENDER her old way of being and ACCEPT this person in her life as an instrument for them both to learn from.... I would go into details, but that would be out of integrity for me to do so, so I wont.
Oddly, in the conversation, my boss was talking about a portion of her life that I had experienced before, and until this moment, didn't realize I was in the midst of the experience again.... Sometimes, people just have to tell you that you are in the middle of a shit pile before you start to realize the stench....I just smelled the shit!!
As we talked, and she started to tell me about this experience and her "surrender" of the life she was living at that time, I started to reflect on those few minutes with my mentor Wayne, and started to realize how far I have gotten from my SOURCE....the thing that makes me move through this life with excellence and drive.... Man, its just funny how life unfolds when you make a conscious effort to allow it too!
So as we talked more, she started to answer the questions I have been asking myself for the last couple of months....She started to explain to me, through her experience, what I was/am experiencing now.... We truly are connected in ways we CANNOT understand..... ALL OF US!!
I started to realize that it was a year ago or so when I left home to go and live in New Braunfels....When I decided to abandon my dreams of what my soul wants because I had to go and DO something!! And I went....Since then, I have been searching for something to do, and until this very day, until lunch time today, sitting with my boss, I had no idea that who I BE has been so distant from me in so many ways!
I really started to piece together that although I had moments of great BEING, in this last year, my life is almost completely consumed with DOING and here I am, miserable, unhappy, depressed, looking for what to DO next and I have forgotten.....IT DOESN'T FRICKIN WORK THAT WAY!!
So After this great 2 hours with my boss, chatting about business and life, I pulled up to the driveway of the office and I told her...
"You know, you have reminded me of something a guy named Jay Pinto told me years ago that I have lost touch with....I am miserable, unhappy and searching, and its all perfect....and its all perfect because its happening and there is no other excuse!!"
To me, what that says is....
"I can choose to be miserable and unhappy, or I can realize that this is PERFECT and leading me to something else....Step back, embrace the moment, breathe, BE the BEST I can BE and the doors to what I want in my life will open and reveal themselves!"
So I finished my day and went to my truck and turned Wayne Dyer back on and connected to the message, to the words he had to offer... And he made a bold statement... (and I paraphrase)
"When we make an "I AM" statement, then we start to manifest that into our lives. I AM sets the direction for where I am going and when I completely immerse myself in that, then an overwhelming answer from the universe to answer to that declaration will reveal itself."
In this last several months or so, I have stated...I AM unhappy....I AM miserable... I AM exhausted... I AM stuck....And you know what???? I am right!!
I am still only 30 minutes into my new Wayne Dyer series, but as I sit and type this, I realize the longer I have distanced myself from these distinctions, the more miserable I am becoming.... I am making a conscious effort...and solidly working, to spend time to listen to my mentor, be present in the moment, be content that I am in the perfect place for the perfect reason, and just.......BE!
I swear, I am always amazed at the DRIFT....It is a sucking muther fukker and that damn vacuum can have you in a whirlwind before you even know your house is in the funnel cloud.....
And I must say, its no accident that as I am typing this, at this VERY moment, there is a tornado warning in my town and a funnel cloud has been sighted just a few miles from me.... Maybe God is speaking to me RIGHT now and with this awareness alone, I will send that cloud over to some crabs and away from me!!
Its been a while since I felt the need to blog my life experiences, but I had a profound moment today and am ready to get centered and reconnected to the source of who I am to create the life I declare and want....Because its clear, I am creating the life I declare right now and have been... And it SUCKS!
SHIFT!!!
And brother....Its high frickin time!!
OWTFDWIT!!!!!!!!
