In 2018, my life took a dramatic turn. After a few years of dealing with some pretty crappy jobs, several horrible betrayals by people who I thought cared for me, some of the people I have allowed closest to me; then a tragic loss in our family where our oldest daughter was killed in an accident. Shortly after that, professionally, I had an infant death, and a another child client death (on top of 3 other dead infants in my career, and a multitude of child victims I worked with), add a bottle of whisky a night, EVERY night, and some pretty severe PTSD issues to that mix, its not hard to imagine the disaster that quickly followed.
In July of 2018, the night of my last child death, I had yet another betrayal from someone I let close to me, and it was here that I finally "BROKE". A series of events after that, an old friends suicide, loss of another dear friend, and several other traumatic incidents that followed just added to the crash.
It is 2021, and I am still working on myself to bounce back from all of that, and still feel I have some distance to cover to get back or at least, RISE ABOVE. I realized that much of my life, and much of my life I held dear to me, was a lie. The people in it were a lie, my interpretation of life was a lie, and I was so clouded by what my ideal life "could" look like, I missed the reality and harshness of what life REALLY is. I "trusted" people, and that was my downfall!
Much of what I held dear to me, I gave up. I no longer wanted to be around people, or be social in any way. I lost any desire to make new friends or try to find connections to people. I gave up trusting ANYONE and my dearest, and closest companion, Alcohol, I gave that up too.
For anyone who has had such an event(s) in their life, what you will find is, there is a HUGE void in your life those things once filled, and in that space, life can get VERY dark, VERY depressing, and VERY tedious just to get to the next day. I don't think that people actually have any concept of how deeply a betrayal can wound a person, how much that betrayal can shift a person and their direction in life. But, if they gave a shit at all, they wouldn't have done the act anyway, right?
I lost interest in many things that once gave me peace. Writing, my Harley, interacting and engaging with people, working with people, trying to make a difference, giving back... I really had no passion for anything. The only thing I really wanted to try and assure saving was my relationship with Donna.
I was (and often still am) depressed on a level I never thought I could get to. For those who have, or do experience "dark places", I'm sure you understand. I am so blessed to have found Opie. I have always been such a "caring" person with a big heart, but now I was too afraid to get close to anyone and share it. Opie really allowed me to care "safely" he has truly become my best buddy. I should have seen the value in the love of dogs much earlier. Would have saved me a ton of heartache and suffering!
I really had no desire to try and move through the life I have left to pursue anything. I was just surviving, existing, trudging through the day to day, wondering when it would all end and looking forward to that day.
I had given up many unhealthy habits and relationships, but in that void, I was finding myself lost in my thoughts, in my head, in my "victim-ness." Even without those horrible habits, I felt so alone, so lost, so weak and vulnerable.
The comments you often see about people with depression or PTSD are
"You Are Not Alone"
Let me tell you something, "suffering" is a completely solo journey... You are COMPLETELY alone in that place... That kind of statement was made by someone who clearly hasn't suffered greatly.
I really had lost who I was... And in many respects, it isn't a bad thing.
I'm not sure how, or why it happened, but in October of 2020, I took on a project to build a front porch on our house. What I found in taking that on was, my life had purpose, my mind was stimulated. I wasn't just tuning out at night to some Netflix special, dreading the next day. My head was filled with ideas and directions, I had found "purpose" again.
This was the first project of this kind I had ever taken on, the first construction job I had ever done, and I really felt good about myself and my life when I was done.
What I discovered is, projects will keep me sane!!
I really did feel like I was lost, or maybe it was more of a "treading water in the middle of the ocean alone" feeling. This project brought me back to a place where I actually looked forward to the next day. After completion of the porch, I realized "project's" would help me to maintain, or at least balance my sanity and would keep me from those "dark places" I seemed to spend so much time in.
I knew I needed to find other project to keep me on track to make life "livable" again. I tried to get back into the Harley life, but found my passion for that was no longer something I enjoyed. I knew I had to find something else, but had no clue what direction to go.
One of the things I always thought would be a fun thing to do was find an old barn stashed car and bring it back to life. All the "classics" that one commonly thinks of were really expensive and hard to locate, so I thought about finding an old jeep, and old Willy's or CJ and build it to be my own. I never could find one that just "triggered" me into action. Then one day, on Facebook, I saw a post for an old Jeep Cherokee that a guy was giving away and I was in love... THIS would be what I would pursue...
This jeep was nothing but a shell and some seats with a bunch of wires birdshit and rat poop. There was no engine, no transmission, no transfer case and it had been sitting for 10+ years. There was also no title...
I contacted the guy and told him I would take it, and I would head out the next day to get it. It was in Page Arizona which was about a 6 hour trip, one way from my house; in the middle of frickin NOWHERE. I figured that the worst case scenario would be I could flip it and make a little money if it was too much of a project to take on. I left at 6:00am from Colorado and headed that way.
When I got there, I met Nate and he explained this was his Brothers jeep, they wanted to restore it, but he passed before they could. The original jeep was a 79 Golden Eagle, and his Brother had found an 80 Chief to use as a donor to build out the jeep. This jeep had been in his family from the day it was rolled off the lot, brand new. Apparently, his Brother had gone on a trip and when he got back, his Brothers roomate had stripped the jeep of its engine, transmission and transfer case and sold the parts. After that, the jeep just sat in the dessert, slowly rotting away. After his Brother passed, he decided it needed to go to someone who would appreciate it.
Nate and I loaded up the jeep, agreed to stay in touch through the build, and one day, meet up again so he could drive it. Once I got it loaded, I started the long trip home.
I got home at 10:30pm that night, exhausted and completely clueless about what to do next! I woke up the next day and went through the whole jeep to see where I was at, and what needed to be done. After looking at the pictures here, you can probably see why. This thing was going to need A LOT of work to get it back on the road, and I was a little overwhelmed with the idea.
I knew that it was a fairly sound shell of a vehicle, but once I got into the Jeep itself, and really took a look at what I was working with, I was tempted to just list it online and sell it, but I was emotionally attached to this thing now, and I had invested time and money to go get this old thing.
Then I actually took some time to go through the jeep and see what was going on with it. Again, from the pictures, you can imagine my concern for what was ahead.
The interior of the jeep was a mess. There were all kinds of jeep parts scattered throughout it, it was filled with desert sand, windows broken, no windshield, found out the floorboards were rotten... This was just the inside! Then the outside...
I am not a mechanic in any sense of the word. I couldn't tell you the difference between a 3/8' wrench and a 1/2" wrench, hell, I am lucky to know where to put gas in a vehicle and how to change oil and tires. I was at a complete loss on how to move forward with this build.
I knew about a "Jeep Guru" in Salida at Salida Auto and Diesel (https://www.salidaautoanddiesel.com/) named Ty and I stopped in to speak to the owner, Allen, to see what my options were.
When I spoke to Allan, explained what I had, he advised me to find a 90's model, Dodge 4x4 pickup with a 5.9 in it, and we could use it as a donor, and transfer all of the engine, transmission, and tcase from it and put it in the jeep. We spoke about the budget for the build and what it would cost, and I went on the hunt for the truck.
I was able to find a 1996 Dodge, 1500, 4x4 that had been wrecked at 65k miles in Santa Fe New Mexico for 2000.00. I contacted the guy and haggled with him and ended up agreeing at 600.00 for the entire truck. I called my Dad to see if he wanted to go get it with me and help me, and the next weekend, we were on the road to Santa Fe to pick it up. THIS was an adventure!!
When we got to Santa Fe, we met with the owner and went to load the truck on the trailer. I wont go into details, but it took us a little over 2 hours to get it on the trailer. We headed home, and a couple of days later, I took it up to Allan and dropped it, and the jeep off. I think this was on Feb 23rd, 2021.
Since I was now grown out of my Harley life, I decided, through great pain and suffering, to sell my beautiful Lucy. Let me tell you, watching her leave was a really hard day. But, now I had the funds to build this jeep. Goodbye Lucy, you were a great experience and a joy to spend my days with!! I hope I will make this jeep as beautiful as Lucy was....But that will be tough!
The build was a really slow start and once it began, as expected, we were quickly eating up the budget we had spoken about at the beginning. The jeep sat for around 4-5 months before any movement started on it. However, this did give me time to add money to the budget. Like they say "Everything happens for a reason" and this was following suit.
So, the build began and the Dodge was stripped and life was starting to come back to this old jeep!!
11-23-2021 I was contacted by Allan and told it was ready for its first test run, and for me to keep it over the Thanksgiving Holiday and drive it to see how I liked it, and find any "issues" that might come up. I went and picked it up and took it for its first mountain ride probably EVER, and its first time back on the road in 10+ years.
Here is the video of the first walk around.
https://youtu.be/OOrsDaKXy3A
Here is the video of the 1st drive! This was a good day!!
https://youtu.be/n4Jn1xGBCfM
I was THRILLED!! I contacted Nate, and let him know that it was back on the road and I was going to be down in Colorado Springs on Thanksgiving, and would love for him to come check it out.
In the process of working out the title on this jeep, I had to do some research and get some information on the jeep, and an obituary for Jonathan (or J.R.). At the time, I only knew that Jonathan had passed. I had no idea of when, or how. I did not want to burden Nate with all of this, and with the internet, it wasn't hard to locate the information.
J.R was killed in a car accident on 9-4-17 in Arizona. as I went through all the information I had found, I really became passionate about makin this a tribute to him and having his memory with me, and this jeep forever. I was really perplexed with how I could do this, but often, I just seem to think too much.
What I did was find a dogtag and had it engraved with his name, DOB and DOD... I went and got a couple of self tapping screws and brought it with me to meet Nate.
After Thanksgiving dinner, Nate and his Beautiful wife came and met me at my Sisters house for him to see it, and drive it. This, to me, was THE most important part of this project. I had been waiting for the day for Nate to drive his Brothers jeep again from the day I picked it up!! Nate got in the jeep, and was overwhelmed by memories. He was telling me stories of when he was a kid in this jeep, his Brothers crazy antics in this jeep, and you could tell, it was a really big deal for him.
"I can remember when I was 9 years old, sitting right here on my moms lap, her letting me drive out of the neighborhood"
Jonathan Ray Lukehart lives on!!
there is still a LOT to do on this jeep, and it is going to only get better. After getting back from Thanksgiving, I tried a trick I read about from "RAT ROD" guys who prefer patina over paint.
I read that those guys use boiled linseed oil to preserve the patina and metal and to give it a "clear coat look"... I gave it a shot, and the results were absolutely AMAZING... See for yourself! Here are some before and after pics!
For the first time, in a long time, I am starting to get back to "me" or in reality, "finding my new self"...
After my break, and my struggles, I will never be the same person I was 5-8 years ago, but I don't want to be either. I don't know I have found "peace" in my pain yet, but I feel like I am finally on the path to get there.
To those sorry ass people who betrayed and hurt me, who took advantage of my kindness and giving spirit, I hope you see this. I hope you see that even though your shittyness was really damaging, hurtful and horribly selfish of you, I don't forgive, and I will never forget. I am a different human being now as a result of your hurtful acts of betrayal. I will never trust anyone again, I will NEVER let someone so close to me again, and I have no desire to contribute to the betterment of this world any longer...
BUT......
I, Like this jeep, and Jonathans memory, LIVE ON!!!
In SPITE of you!!!!
