However, in 2012-ish, I was on a real downward spiral. Professionally, life wasnt working out like I wanted, I had some real "setbacks" that sent my drinking to levels I couldn't imagine as time moved forward (and in reflection, still hard to grasp) , It seemed every time I turned around, someone else was stabbing me in the back, using my loyalty and care as a ladder to get that knife deep in my back, and most of the areas of my life, were at the very least, dysfunctional. I was also becoming VERY self destructive. Dive bars, looking for fights, thoughts of self harm, making really stupid choices, trusting people WAY too much, even those who I never thought I would have to question my trust with... It seemed I was the landing spot for every nasty, cruel and hurtful thing people could do, and I truly started to question my ability to make, have and even trust friends, or people close to me. I was becoming more angry, more hurt, and more self destructive every day.
Several more brutal betrayals, and an "uncaring" mentality from those who I thought loved and cared for me, along with PTSD issues from a life of dealing with tragedy, crisis, violence, and suffering, I turned from beer, to the bottle... For 6-8 solid years, to manage my "suffering", I went on a long trek to find the bottom of that bottle. I was slowly losing myself, painfully losing myself, and hurting people around me over and over in an attempt to deal with my anger and pain.
6 years ago yesterday, I suffered yet another betrayal and attack on my professionalism, that same day, the loss (death) of my 6th kid professionally, as well as struggling with the loss of Janeen and my families suffering. I "went over the edge" and knew, I was really teetering in a darkness I hope no one ever has to experience... I had a profound realization that people, for the most part, really don't care about the suffering of others, and if they do, its only to the point of their convenience, and I was going to have to figure out a way to get through this, or I was not going to be able to continue in this life. I decided that night, my drinking was over... Although it was doing its part to "numb" me, it was also creating more issues for me to numb, pushing people I cared for away from me, and just making me wish every day was my last day... I hated my life, I hated my pain, I hated my suffering, and I hated that NO ONE could even begin to understand the depths of my suffering... Nor, did anyone really care to understand... I felt VERY alone! In reflection, I realized, I had really made some stupid decisions that hurt people I really cared about...Things I didn't think would ever be repairable (and some aren't)... I felt very lost, and I felt very alone, confused, scared, unsure...
6 years ago today was the first day of my sobriety...
But, one thinks that putting down the bottle is the "fix all" to a life of drinking....ITS NOT!!
For the next 2 years, SOBER, I think I experienced the darkest period of my life. All of that SHIT I was covering up and numbing with booze was now things I had to learn to manage sober...As well as the shit and problems I created being drunk. SO much shame, SO much lack of self confidence, SO much struggle to realize that I was truly alone in trying to find a new path in my life that worked, AND trying to figure out how to manage all the SHIT I was drowning with booze staring me in the face now, with no numb or buffer for it. I had severe nightmares, I had anxiety that was debilitating and terrifying for me, I didn't sleep well, EVER, and I was really trying to find my way, to live my life differently, in a way where I didnt feel like I wanted to "opt out" every day. I went from the "social butterfly" to being terrified to be out socially again. I trusted NO ONE... I really had it made up in my head that EVERYONE would eventually hurt, or betray me, because I never imagined those who had, would, so I was afraid to get, or be close to ANYONE. I really had to LEARN at 52 years old, how to live life differently than I had since I was 14. At 52, learning new ways to BE is a real struggle.
COVID hit, and for many, this was one of the most devastating years for them. For me, this was the year that I found real clarity, real "peace" started to find its way back into my life, and I realized, I had given so much of my life to other people, so much of my time, care and compassion, it was "people" who were my most difficult hurdle to manage. COVID created a space where I could not be around people, and people could not be around me, and I realized, seperating myself from people was how I was going to find peace and happiness in my life again, and I realized with real clarity, not everyone, but most people, well, they just suck... Suck the life right out of you!
In 2020, life really started to improve. I was starting to get a clear picture of what I personally needed to be successful in my sobriety, and in creating a new life, and a new way of living my life.... DISTANCE!!
But, I needed something to fill that HUGE space that "people" once occupied. I started doing "projects"... I built my porch, I took on several different hobby pursuits, I built "The Mutt", double sleeve tattoos (and more)... I filled that empty space with things that couldn't hurt me, betray me, or use me. My porch, my jeep, auctions, hustling auction buys and other deals I could find, etc... But I realized, that part of what makes me, me, is the love I do have... I needed a safe place to really express that and allow myself to be vulnerable to it....And then I found Opie. Opie, for me, was the platform for me to BE loving, and BE safe. I sure wish now I would have spent more of my energy towards dogs than people in my life...
As the ridiculousness of COVID moved on, I could now see a clear direction of where I needed to go, and how I needed to live my life to avoid more suffering, and avoid a life going back to booze. In 2021, I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel again, I could tell that things were shifting, that my quality of life was improving, that my anxiety (although still a part of my life I dont like) was not nearly as troublesome. I found that avoiding people and creating a real "boundary" in my life around my interaction with people was lifting me from that really dark place.
I had Donna, and I had Opie, and ultimately, thats all I really "need" in regards to connection and relationships.
2022 came, and I noticed that life was really starting to become "bright" again. I was sleeping better, my bad dreams were becoming less and less, the wounds from the betrayals were starting to close a little (not sure those ever fully heal) and a "simplicity" of life really started to have a positive impact on my life. I found extreme contentment in just being at home, with my dog and my wife. As a guy who his whole life was "GO GO GO" I was starting to really appreciate a quiet, reserved and simple life. I had/have no real desire for travel anymore, I live in a place people save their whole lives to travel to. I had/have no desire for social outings or gatherings anymore, and those of you that know me, know, this was where I was often at my "best." I did the best I could to make amends to those I had harmed in my drunken stooper days, and also realized, some might not accept those amends, but I cant focus on that...I did what I did, I tried to make it right, and if that isn't accepted, I just have to keep moving forward, and not dwell on those things, as there is NOTHING I can do to change my past. I really started to embrace a more simplistic, laid back, and anti-social life... It was truly working for me, I was really starting to find, and feel happiness again... I was, and am, creating a new life that is much more beneficial for me, and those close to me. Life is full of drama at every turn, its unavoidable, but I can tell you from experience, it is entirely possible to minimize that drama, direct it, and manage it without booze and without "people".
Today, with 6 years sober, I can honestly say, life is better, and life is easier than it EVER was drunk. It was a journey and a struggle to get to this point, and im sure it will continue this way, but at least now, I have a really clear understanding of my struggles, the causes of those struggles and how to minimize and limit those struggles and continue to create a better life, each day!
I guess my point with this blog entry is, one; to document this period of time for reflection, but also, to those I know are struggling with their own demons with substances, there is a path to a better life, and from my experience, it all starts, and ends with YOU. No one is coming to save you, and actually, no one outside of you can be that savior...ITS UP TO YOU....And as hard as it may seem, you CAN create it away from those burdens of alcoholism or substance abuse. I am not here to preach to anyone, or try and make anyone "wrong" for how they manage their suffering, but I will say, if you are trying to manage it WITH substances, you are heading down a dark path, or if you have been doing it a while, be assured, the path only gets darker the deeper in that bottle you swim.
I cant tell you what will happen tomorrow, I cant tell you I wont ever pick the bottle up again. Even today, in some of my brightest and clearest times, I can FEEL, I am just one disaster away from slipping back into that darkness, and for me, I NEVER want to be there again. So, for today, I am sober, 6 years, the longest I have been without a drink since I was 14, and I KNOW the way to pursue my life for it to continue to improve, and my focus is there....Because if I do ever slip back into that place, I have no doubts, that is where I will spend my final days... And that time will be short.
There was a time I could not imagine my life WITHOUT alcohol, but today, I cannot, nor do I even want to consider, a life being drunk again. As much as I use to think booze made my life better, more tolerable, I look at it now and realize, there is NOTHING good about my life as a drunk, not for me, or anyone close to me. I'm no saint, im not perfect in any way, I still have flaws, struggles and hardships, but I also have a real clarity now, that I can manage all of those things MUCH better when I am sober, and a sober life brings me much less of those things for me to manage.
"If it is to be, its up to me"
Those of you reading this, struggling with your own substance issues, I won't tell you it's an easy path to a sober life, but what I can say, with all sincerity is, ITS WORTH THE STRUGGLE!!
Don't let the bad days win!!
Life is a process of creation, make the hard choices to create the life you want... Nothing woth having comes easy, and a sober life is, for me, TRULY worth having!
