My tattoos

I know that many see what I have done in regards to my tattoos as silly, or ridiculous, or crazy, or whatever...The good thing is, that's ok; I didn't get them for you or them! lol!!

I started getting tattoed in the days it was still taboo... Nasty little shops, mostly biker types, flash all over the walls to pick your pieces from, "Custom work" was till something people didn't really talk about, and was not common place in the tattoo world.One went through sheets and sheets of flash art, and you selected from there. I find it funny this new era gets all twisted up and bent out of shape to see people with the same tattoos... In my days, we ALL had the same tattoos.

Shops were not like what you see now. Biker types, cigarette smoke filled studios, huge autoclaves, the smell of the green antisceptic and speedstick. The images were traced onto carbon paper, then you were swabbed with speedstick deodorant, the carbon image was placed over the area, stuck to the speedstick area, and then peeled off. There were no new barrels or needles, everything was reused after autoclaving, and the best tip one could get was

"Do not go to a shop without an autoclave visible"

The tattoos were really basic, colors were not so popular, and exposed tattoos were only for thugs, bikers and ex-cons. Face tattoos were ghastly, and people with sleeves, you avoided. Neck tattoos and leg tattoos were left for the freak shows...No one did that!!

Now, people state they get tattooed for therapy, to ease their minds or souls... Me?? It still just hurts and I cant wait to get the session ended!

I always knew I wanted to have tattoos, so I followed the proper order. I got flashwork done...My first tattoo, I guess, WAS a custom piece....My first tattoo was on my chest, and was Opus from Bloom County Cartoon....Yeah, I was a tough guy!! 

Over the next 10 years, from 18 years old, I acquired 3 flash pieces. They were pretty horrible, really. 

I always knew I wanted to be heavily tattooed, but again, they were very criticized, and from my struggles as a youth, I didn't need anything else to hinder me from professional pursuits, so my tattoo work was always covered. 

After a career in Law Enforcement, and then leaving it to a life that was much less restrictive, I re-thought my tattoo pursuits. 

In 03, I decided to really start getting serious about seeking out an artist and getting a large piece done. I knew I was still on a professional journey, tattoos were still not "trendy" so I decided to do my right chest, back and 1/3 upper sleeve.

My desire was to have a lot of color and to be outside of the norms of what most people do. After leaving the field of Law Enforcement, I started to see the world OUTSIDE of that field was much different than I remembered. I felt like maybe I just didn't fit in that world... In all reality, I still don't!

In my life as a cop, I had to have different personalities and different approaches to people. I had to be able to speak to, as well as make victims at ease, I needed to be soft and kind. I also needed to be very strong, intimidating, powerful, violent and dangerous. I was pretty well skilled at both; and not afraid of any of it.

I decided to go with a rainforest scene for my right side, and here is why, and how it relates to me personally.

The rainforest is diminishing, has been for many years, I wanted to capture the beauty of it. There is also a LOT of very dangerous beauty and color in the rainforest. I thought this theme would be a good direction.

My right arm is representative of the fading life we live, it diminishes every day. It is also representative of how I view myself. Clearly, my way of doing Law Enforcement is fading, morals and values seem to be fading in society as well. Without trying to sound arrogant or full of myself, this is why I went this route.

Like the rainforest, and the creatures that live in it, I have a very deep beauty inside of me. I care for people, I care for those I love, and I feel I posses qualities that many don't and that are fading....Loyalty, honor, respect, commitment... I think those are things that are profound in who I am.

Also like the rainforest and the creatures that live in it, I can be very dangerous, I have been in, and am not afraid of, true violence. I can be dangerous and I can be deceptive in those dangerous qualities. However, if only observed, and not harassed, that beauty is witnessed, and the danger will never have to be exposed. 

I felt this would be well represented in this process, and I wasn't mistaken. Rachel from True Blue Tattoo in Austin Texas did a great job!

I stopped after this as I was finishing college and knew my professional pursuits were really just starting again. Being tattoos were still criticized and heavily judged, I kept my ink work where it would not be seen in professional attire, but always knew I would continue on with this journey later. 

In 2014, I had been debating getting a ring done for my Masonic pride, and representation, and I had Donna draw up an idea I wanted. I am a Harley enthusiast, and a VERY Proud Mason, so I had the two symbols combined and had Donnas design put on my left calf. It had been a long time since I was back under the gun, and this stirred me to pursue an artist to complete my right arm.

I learned through my flash experiences, I would never just walk into a shop with some idea again and just let any artist do it. I had seen far too many pieces done that were horrific tattoos and I knew I wanted every flash piece I had covered, and I wanted to continue with quality work, so I went back on the hunt. I was still concerned with having an entire arm done, and then I was fortunate to work with a woman who was heavily tattooed, and in a position of professional authority and when talking about her exposed ink, she made a statement to me... 

"Brad, my tattoos are a representation of me. If I am going to be judged by my appearance, and not for my ability to do the job, I don't want to work for a place like that anyway."

This really struck me! How had I not thought of this? 

(However, I really feel that professional and personal lives should be separate. I work for an agency that has no tattoo restrictions, but I keep my work covered. I have no desire to let professional and personal lives cross... It will come to no good end!)

Now, the hunt was on...

I stopped into several shops and made different inquiries. If you have not spent much time in tattoo shops, they can be intimidating to new folks. Me, I am not overly impressed by shops, or even amazing artistic ability. If you are a pompous, arrogant, prick, I will NOT pay you to do your work on me. I cant even tell you how many shops and artists I walked away from because of shitty attitudes. 

I am not sure where the idea that because you are talented, you can treat those that pay you like shit. I look at it as I am representing the artist, and I will NOT represent assholes!

So, for 4 years, I was actively searching for an artist I could connect with. I was told about a shop in Pueblo, just briefly, so I went to look at the artists work. 

Dexter, at Dr. Odds Tattoo was who I started to interact with, and I will say, I was skeptical. 
I have YET to walk into a shop, show some artist a piece and tell them my idea and they say... 

"No, that's not my style, I don't think I can create what you want"

Every artist has always said 

"oh yeah, I can do that....I can make it amazing and can ________ ...……."

BULLSHIT!! Do NOT fall for that crap!

For those of you debating getting a tattoo, let me give you some tips...

1. Research your artist!! See their profile, read reviews, ask a lot of questions, assure that the artists style will compliment what you want. DO NOT just go to any shop and sit down...This is a sure fire way to get yourself stuck with some shit work for the rest of your life. 

2. This is permanent (mostly), and will be on you for life.... HEAVILY CONSIDER THIS!!

3. Make sure your artist is focused on your happiness, not his ability to "go beyond" what you want. Leave those discussions for after you get to work. If an artist TELLS you what they are going to do, rather than asks you what you want, TAKE NOTICE!!

4. DONT HAGGLE prices. Good tattoos aren't cheap, and cheap tattoos aren't good. If you find an artist that is capable, and you click with, PAY....It will be worth it in the long run. 

5. TIP YOUR ARTIST! If you are happy with the work, TIP!! 20% is a good measure to tip in the USA.

6. CLEANLINESS!! If a shop smells, an artist is dirty, if there are dogs and cats running around the shop....or ferrets, or parrots, or lamas...whatever.... leave quickly. A tattoo shop is for getting ink into your skin, not a petting zoo. It should be sanitary....the more OCD an artist is on cleanliness, the better; IMO anyway... 

I spent about 3 months interacting with this artist. I showed him ideas, pics of my other work he would be adding to, and getting at ease with his ability. I looked through his portfolio, I read reviews on the shops page, I asked specific questions about placements, direction, etc...

I was VERY impressed this artist didn't go on, and on, and on about how amazing he was, about the complicated work he has done, about his AMAZING artistic ability....etc... As a matter of fact, his modesty about his ability had me concerned at first. 

This artist answered my questions and was really focused on what I WANTED, not what he could do. After this 3 months, I made an appointment for 4-1-18, we were going to get this started... 

In that timeframe, life took a downward spiral. Death surrounded me; both professionally, and personally. 

In that timeframe, we lost our oldest daughter and I almost didn't make it to my first appointment because of all of the hardships taking place in my life. The night before I was to be there, I told Donna I had changed my mind. She asked why, and I explained....She encouraged me to move forward, so I did. 

When I walked into Dr. Odds for the first time, I was a little taken back. 
This shop was designed and filled with all kinds of cool stuff; oddities, collectables.... There was 30's big band music playing, artifacts and antiques scattered around, nice curtains, paint, welcoming décor....This was NOT what I was use to!

I was starting on my forearm, my first "exposed" tattoo, and I will tell you, I had some anxiety about it. This was about to change my "life experience" both personally as well as professionally. This was a big step for me. 

This visit, was by far, the most strange and surreal experience I ever had in a tattoo shop (I blogged that experience because it was so profound; My Life Through Experience: New Tattoo...New experience... NEW LIFE!! (bjgolden1.blogspot.com)). I am going to say its because of the state of mind I was in at the time, because I have not been able to recreate that day. Even after such a profound experience, I was FLOORED with the quality of the work that was done. All of my anxieties were gone, and now I was ready to really get this sleeve done! 

Through this timeframe, I had some inner conversations with myself...A new realization of life, and death... a SHIFT in how I viewed, and took on the world. You will hear it said time and time again...

"Losing a child changes EVERYTHING"

And I can attest, this is a truth. EVERYTHING changes....Your perception of the world, the stories you have been told are a truth your whole life change in context, truth becomes untruth, and untruth becomes truth. In my experience, even the air, sky, light, trees, grass...They all looked, sounded and felt different. Religion and God?? Man, it all takes a different appearance. Its something very hard to explain, and I hope that none of you reading this ever have to have this experience. 

About 2 sessions in, I decided that I was going to do like I always have...GO BIG, or GO HOME, and I went big. 

I decided I wanted to do my left arm and side symmetrical to my right. I would take a different approach on this side. 

I wanted to do an opposing sleeve, black and gray, hints of color just to make the design really pop out. 

I read the story of the Chinese legend of the Koi Fish...

The Chinese legend tells of a large school of koi fish—shining like polished jewels—that made the long and difficult journey upstream against the current of the mighty Yellow River.

When they reached an imposing waterfall many of them resigned to simply return to the flow and went back the way they came. Some of the fish, however, were unfazed and attempted to leap up the cascading water to make it to the top.

One version of the legend says that some of the local deities, or demons, were drawn to the splashing. Seeing the determined efforts of the koi fish, and out of spite, cruelly made the waterfall even higher. It didn’t have the desired effect, though—and unperturbed—the koi redoubled their efforts to get to the top.

For 100 years the koi toiled against the odds, struggling, until finally a single koi crested the top of the waterfall to make it into the river above, overcoming the adversity.

The Gods who witnessed this colossal achievement rewarded the courageous fish for its perseverance by transforming the koi into a golden dragon. This dragon fish now traverses the skies above the river, constantly seeking pearls of wisdom and sharing the pearls with the world.

As a result, the waterfall became known as the Dragon Gate and any koi that summons the strength, courage and determination to swim against the tide and through the gates is bestowed the same honor as the original fish that overcame adversity.

I saw through these current struggles, that life is a never ending effort of struggle, and overcoming. That through each accomplishment, hardship, trial, there were lessons to be learned if one simply pays attention. At the end of each struggle, a person is gifted with knowledge and can share it with the world. The down swimming koi represents the release of going with the flow, success, surrender... 

I also feel that in my professional pursuits, as well as personal pursuits, I have always been a stand for those who cant stand for themselves. I have fought on battlefields that many would fear to look at, let alone tread, and I have no fear in taking on those battles and representing those who cant fight, or don't know how. I wanted something to represent this....

So, I chose my Samurai… 

Samurai are known as magnificent warriors, masterfully owning their swords and art of combat. In fact, this concept has a deeper meaning, based on the code of honor of the samurai, “Bushido”, which means the path of the warrior. To put an image of a Japanese warrior on your body means to fully understand, follow and honor the rules and traditions that the samurai lived by. In addition, a samurai tattoo symbolizes a man’s choice of the right path and infinite devotion to any idea. The meaning of samurai tattoo design is loyalty, honor and justice, strength and fearlessness, physical perfection, devotion and discipline. The tattoo is a symbol of masculinity as well.

Donna is, and has always been, by my side, loyal, committed and honorable. She has a huge heart and a mysterious side that many don't ever get to see. I wanted her to be represented in my sleeve as well, because this life would not be the way it is for me without her.

So I chose my Geisha... 

When it comes to creative colorful body art in the human form, the Geisha. A symbol of beauty and mystery, wrapped in a vibrant colorful kimono, she is slender in build and wears white makeup and a black wig or extensions. The geisha represents feminine power, intrigue, and mystery. She is so specialized and refined that she is somewhat hidden from most of society: for most, she remains elusive, untouchable, and unattainable. It is said that she represents dreams, aspirations, ambitions, and desire. She is also referred to as a "figment of the imagination."
She's associated with the color red, a representation of fertility. Her kimono is of bright, vibrant colors. In paintings, art, and tattoos, she is commonly associated with cherry blossoms, which represent the fragility, beauty, and transience of life. They usually are portrayed on her kimono, or on branches in the background.
My Foo Dog... The foo dog (or fu dog) is a mysterious creature that takes roots in India in the 3^rd
century. Now it is a historical heritage of Chinese and Japanese cultures. In reality, the mythical beasts are not dogs; they are a representation of lions. The foo dogs were depicted in the form of statues to guard both Shinto and Buddha temples and the houses of prominent nobles from evil. They appeared in male and female pairs on both sides of the entrance. The male has a ball under one paw – a sign of power, while the female has a small lion cub under one of its paws – a symbol of maternity. The foo dog’s traditional name is “Lion of Buddha” in Buddhism, “Shishi” in Japanese religion and “Shisa” in Okinawa. The foo dogs are believed to be strong, protective and courageous. Thus, tattoo serves as protectors and often denotes a brave person. It is rich in history and symbolism, so before taking this tattoo, take into account the meanings:

• protection – is the main symbol of the foo dog due to historical It is used to ward off evil spirits and problems;
• prosperity and success – the foo dog’s dominant stature and impressive mythical power can also embody success and prosperity;
• balance – the male and female pairs denote the yin and yang, which in Chinese philosophy indicates the balance of all things;
• courage – the foo dog is a fearless creature, willing to fight in case of This tattoo will remind that success comes through bravery and determination;
• survival – the foo dogs are often depicted in aggressive poses in tattoos, that shows their might and will to survive against all obstacles

For me, my left side represents my professional pursuits as well as personal pursuits as a fighter for myself and others, my continuing struggle in this world my koi and dragon is about the struggle, overcoming, and spreading the lessons, my Geisha is the woman, elegant, classy and beautiful, mysterious and complex that stands by my side, my warrior represents my mission, as well as my integrity in this world. My Foo Dog is to protect me and mine from those who would attack me from the back, or stab me in the back. 

I have the Chinese symbol for "Eternity" in the middle of it all, one for representation of my eternal bond to Donna, and to represent the eternal struggle of this life, one that never ends, one that we can be a victim to, or a champion of. The eternal struggle, and overcoming that is present in this physical world.

So, there is the significance of my tattoos. I went into this process this last year or so, excited....Now, over a year and a half into it, I am OVER it. It is truly exhausting to continuously pursue regular tattoo sessions of such magnitude.

I am not one of those tattoo people who say

"Oh, it didn't hurt at all"

For me, I cannot recall a tattoo without some kind of pain, and in the "tough spots", I genuinely suffer. I look forward to the end result, but I do NOT look forward to the process. Rachel, my artist in Austin said it best...

"I love tattoos, but I fucking HATE getting them."

And now I understand this statement. I do NOT enjoy "getting" tattooed.

When I am complete with this, I will have all of my old flash covered. I will have quality work that is beautiful, and brilliant. My HOPE is that I am done with this process. I do have a memorial tattoo I want to get on my right calf for my girls, but honestly, the only reason I REALLY want that is for the complete symmetry of work on my body. My upper body, at completion, will be "balanced", if I do my right calf, the rest will be "balanced" so I can see myself returning for that. But as far as big work, this will be it!

Here is my completed work... Thank God its over.

                                    

So, there it is... Let me add in closing...

Tattoos are NOT for everyone. It is a personal choice, for personal expression and gratification. If one chooses to go BIG with their tattoos, keep in mind that it is painful, a really BIG commitment that WILL affect the life you understand now. The healing is tedious, the thought and effort to make the piece perfect can be exhausting. Tattoos are expensive... I am over 6000.00 and about 65-70 hours total for my upper body.

And never think that I care about your personal opinion of my personal choices. I am tattooed because I SAY SO, and I didn't ask for, nor do I need your approval. To those critical, I hope your criticism makes you feel better about me....lol...

For those that support....Thank you. With every day I get older, the more I find people to be tiresome. To those of you that accept me for who I am, for what I am, and for ME, I am grateful and humbled... I truly do appreciate you in my life, regardless of the time, or space that separates us.

And for my haters??? Well, I will just let your mind wander about my thoughts to you.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the interest in this blog...

PTSD and EMDR

I remember when PTSD was a term only related to Viet Nam veterans. I remember how intrigued I was by this, so I read stories, and journals, and medical information around it. I remember thinking...

"How is it emergency field people don't suffer from this. Yes, soldiers see a lot of terrible things on their tours. We as officers and emergency workers see tragedy, destruction and carnage regularly, over the course of a 25+ year career. How are these fields not represented in these studies and examined?"

When I was on the streets, there was no treatment for events, there was no decompression or follow up when we worked horrific scenes. We were encouraged to get our reports done, and go home... What generally happened on the way home was a stop at the liquor store on those days.... Well, on most days...

As the years have unfolded, and more light is shone upon this issue, it was determined, of course emergency workers suffer from this. However, it is still very much a taboo to reach out for help in these fields if one is suffering. Sadly, PTSD events, our exposure to tragic and horrific things and needing to process it is seen as a weakness and could affect ones professional life, and pursuits. I don't know that this stigma will ever been removed from this issue, but at least its getting some attention and there is work being done to help our emergency workers.

In 2018, after several very tragic events, a dead baby, a child that was killed in an accident, and then a child client being killed in a flash flood, I broke.

I have been very aware of my PTSD and was diagnoses as having PTSD in 2003 after having some serious struggles trying to re-enter the "regular world" from the "cop world." I was having difficulty in social settings, with anxiety, with the feeling of "I don't belong" as well as re-occurring nightmares with visits from those I had witnessed killed, or horrific scenes I had been on. Trying to adjust to a "normal" world from a world of emergency fields was a very tough...Probably one of the hardest things I have had to do.

I went from a world of adrenaline rushes, high speed chases, fights, foot chases, being known and respected in the field, to a "nobody." I knew I didn't want to be a cop anymore, but I had no education or training to do anything else. I had hundreds of hours of training, and experience that most humans will never have, and I was simply another person out in the world, trying to figure it out. 17 years later, there are still days I am trying to figure it out.

I was always aware after being diagnosed, struggles or issues I was having with sleep or emotions was probably related to my PTSD. Because of that awareness, I never really suffered from anything I couldn't manage. In 2017, that all changed.

After the death of a baby where I work, even though I didn't work the case, I started to have some real issues with babies deaths I had worked in the past. My dreams were filled with dead babies, my brain would shift to dead babies and me seeing their faces...I also started to recognize I was becoming angry much easier, frustrated, on edge...I would SNAP over ridiculous things.

I knew this was related to the PTSD and reached out for help with my job at the time. Oddly, the day after I reached out for help, my symptoms went away. The dreams stopped, the weird thoughts...It just quit. So, with that, I didn't pursue any other support over it, and just went back to my every day routines.

In 2018, we lost our oldest daughter. This event shifted everything in our lives. At the time, I thought I was doing OK with this tragedy, little did I know what was brewing.

After this loss, my focus was on my family and trying to grieve and get through this horrible time. Not too long after, the dreams and anger returned, but not on a scale as profound as previously, but it would grow. I continued my focus to be on my family.

In July of 2019, I had a youth I was working with who had aged out of the foster care system, and on THE DAY of getting him out of foster care placement, and on his own, just a few hours after his move in to his apartment, he was killed in a flash flood. The night I got news of this, I was betrayed, once again, by someone close to me, and attacked. Not only was my character attacked, many of the things I hold dear to me were attacked...My Integrity, my caring and compassion, my big heart... Yet another huge betrayal and not just a betrayal, an attack and betrayal in one of the darkest moments of my life. Oddly, from a "Social Worker" friend, who was also one of the "leaders" for the organization I worked for, and was fully aware of my loss, as well as my struggles and depression. Just another bit of evidence that people suck... But this guy and his wife, they suck more than most. Of all days and times to attack me..What sorry, low life, hateful, TAKERS they are.

It was here that I SNAPPED. I lost complete control of my emotions, my anger, my sense of wanting to even continue with this life. I might have had a grip on the losses, but this betrayal just toppled any pillars of support or confidence I had. I can remember the night clearly, and I remember the words told to me that made me snap back to reality.

After experiencing this betrayal, and losing myself in the emotion of all of this tragedy, I was out of control, I lost all control of my emotions and ability to "grip"... I was completely unhinged, out of control.... I remember Donna looking at me, and for the first time in our lives together, she said

"You are scaring me."

And all reality snapped back in an instant.

I love Donna more than life itself. I would lay my life down for this woman, I would step in front of a charging bull for her to protect her, and to hear her tell me I was "scaring her" was profound. I never want Donna or my family to be scared of me. I want them to always look at me as a place of safety, and security. It was THIS moment when I KNEW I was spiraling out of control and as much as I just wanted to end this life of struggle and hardship, I KNEW I needed to make some significant changes.

I went in to work the next day to quit. I found this "friend" had gotten there earlier to try and bury me. Not only did he attack me, he attacked Donna, and our relationship/marriage too. He revealed stuff  I told him in confidence, as a friend, all in an effort to make himself look good. I heard him say before

"Make sure your story is the first told, because that's is what people will believe"

and man, he was on a mission to do that!

I was DONE with direct care and the profession I had been in. There was no way I could continue this path and be healthy, so I was going to just walk.

While I was packing up my office, my boss came in, closed the door and asked me if we could talk. After agreeing, she stated she could see I was in a terrible place and the events that unfolded were tearing me apart, so she recommended I stay, take a leave of absence and pursue help through the County I worked for. I explained I would take any help offered, because I was so lost, and we moved forward to get me some help.

I am not one that fears counseling, or coaching, or help...I actually encourage it. But let me tell you, making that call to get help and start therapy was very scary for me. I have it ENGRAINED in my head reaching out for help around this type of thing is WEAKNESS and the implications of such weakness could impact me professionally and personally...And sadly, it isn't incorrect.

It is a sad thing when people in the emergency fields cant reach out for help when suffering from the trauma they have experienced in their professions and how it impacts them in a way that causes such pain. Whats funny, is this is seen as "weakness" when in reality, these events never impact me, or others I know, when dealing with crisis, or emergencies. For me, and those I know, these experiences come when we are at rest, alone, quiet, in our heads....NOT when we are doing the job. But, how does one shake that stigma?

When I set up my counseling session, I was really terrified of what could happen as a result of this pursuit for healing, but I knew if I didn't get the help, I might just lose my mind, hurt myself, hell, hurt others.

I can remember the first time after the event, driving around, I had terrible anxiety. I knew I was unstable and was on edge. I knew I had the ability to "snap" at any minute...I even considered an in patient program so I could feel more safe. When I was driving around to get to appointments and such, I was scared of getting in even a small fender bender, or being in a crowd and getting bumped, or pushed. The thought of it made me want to hurt someone, so it was very scary to me to put myself in these situations because I didn't know if I would just snap and go off, and as a result, either get myself very hurt, or really hurt someone else. I actually felt myself coming out of my skin at times. It was a horrible feeling.

At my first session, I told the therapist of my concern. I was defensive, and pretty shitty to her. I wanted to assure complete discretion, BEYOND what HIPPA requires for medical professionals. I expressed my concern for my reputation and professionalism, and explained to her, without these assurances, we would never get to the core of what is killing me, and I KNEW I had to get to the core of it.

After an hour of discussion on the topic, I felt a bit more assured. However, I was tip-toeing around her, still concerned about getting into all the things I had done, and experienced in my professional life.

I have a very difficult time trusting people. There was a period of my life after Law Enforcement, and prior to this event, where I saw how my mistrust of people was hindering my experience of people, so I took some chances, and worked VERY hard to let my guard down, and openly trust people... What a mistake that was.

In this time period of "trusting people" I discovered one of my closest friends, a guy I had truly been to war with, been in life and death situations with, celebrated birthdays and holidays with, new births, graduations...Hell, my kid even gave him a kidney; had betrayed me terribly. Not only did he betray me, he masked the betrayal for years, KNOWING I was suffering from what had happened, hiding it from me, even trying to cast the blame on others and lying to me over and over while his POS wife was bashing me, belittling me, just overall NASTY.... What was even worse, is when I had experiences of suffering from this, it was HIM I called to cry to, tell of my broken heart, my confidant in so many personal things in my life...And the whole time, it was HIM that had created ALL of it. When I found out it was him, and addressed him on it, not only did he deny it, he avoided it, and continued the lie.... When all I wanted was an explanation and an apology... He couldn't even offer me that... What a great "Friend" I chose huh??

Shortly after that, I discovered my best friend through my college years, the guy I went to Grad school with, he betrayed me too. He took advantage of my kindness, my home, and my family... He committed the ultimate betrayal as a Mason, and he too never offered an apology, an understanding... Not sure I would have heard it...And as a result of this betrayal, he caused a riff between someone I love and adore... He cut me so deeply and dirty, it has impacted my family.

Then, the betrayal on the night of the loss of my client. Another Mason, "Brother".... Another piece of shit who attacked me at my most vulnerable spot. A guy that was FULLY aware of my suffering over the last couple of years. A guy, AND his sorry wife, that I used to vent, express my suffering, my pain. A "social worker" that praised himself as "exceptional"...His wife, a "social worker" as well, who she too explained her "greatness" in the field, her ability to connect and help people...What a friggin JOKE these two are! Not only attacked me, but attacked my character, my integrity, my loyalty, and my Obligation as a Mason. It is a very fortunate thing Donna was with me when this happened, because had she not gotten in the middle of that, I dread to think of how it could have unfolded; it was in this moment the towers crumbled around me!.

Now, I was supposed to trust some stranger with my deepest and darkest experiences?

Let me tell you, as I type this now, I have given up the "trust everyone" ideal, and am back to trusting NO ONE again. It just seems to be less of a hardship on me and my spirit. It isn't a burden to me to give that up, clearly the burden I experienced was IN the trusting. I wont make the same mistakes again.

After a couple of sessions with the therapist, I felt more comfortable to pursue my issues. I will add, I was terrified with each thing I would tell her, expecting this would not stay in the therapy room. I knew I had to get this help though, so I continued on, feeling at each revelation I was losing even more of a grip on life and my spirit to continue in this life. It was terrifying for me...Truly terrifying.

My therapist and I agreed to start an intensive therapeutic process. 8 hours of intense therapy a day, for 10 days. After the 10 days, we would re-evaluate the progress and start fresh from there.

To give you an understanding of how dark our lives in emergency professions can be, let me share this...

My therapist had been a licensed therapist for over 10 years. After my 10 days, she told me that she had never heard such things and couldn't believe people in these fields experience such destruction, darkness, tragedy, loss of life, etc... I found it funny she had been doing her job for so long, and it was me and my experiences that shocked her.

After the 10 day process, we went back to dark, and impacting places I had opened up about in our sessions. She stated she wanted to try and do EMDR on me to process through the dark places that seemed to visit me regularly, so we went to the one that seems to impact me the most.

When I was a Patrol Deputy, I drove up on a scene one night, late, probably 2:30am. The scene, at first appearances didn't seem so bad. I drove up on a car accident, in the middle of an intersection. It was a "T-Bone" accident where a car had hit the drivers side of another car, right on the drivers door. As I pulled up, there were 2 guys dragging a 3rd guy into a parking lot of a gas station at the intersection. My first thought was these guys are dragging this guy out of the vehicle to beat him for the accident. I pulled into the parking lot and drove right up to the 3 guys, I roled down my window and said....

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing?"

And immediately, the men looked up at me in a panic...

"We just drove up on this accident and are getting this guy out of the vehicle. There is a girl still in the car and she is in really bad shape, we cant get her out of the car, pleas, help her...please!!"

I called on the radio to let dispatch know what was going on, and immediately went to the car. In the passenger seat was a very pretty, young girl, long brown hair and it was clear she had been out and was dressed nicely. She was unconscious, so I immediately went and took her pulse. She wasn't breathing very well if at all, and I detected a faint pulse. I knew I was going to have to do CPR on this girl soon, and I tried to get her out of the car. As I tried to extract her, she was stuck on something. I knew there was a sense of urgency to get her out, so I started to look for what was hanging her up.

The car she was in was the car impacted. The drivers side was crushed, and she was thrown into the passenger seat, over the console. As I explored the vehicle to find what was holding her in, I saw that the drivers side of the car had buckled, and one of the buckles of metal grabbed her left foot and it was pinched in the metal. There was NO WAY I was going to be able to get her out of the vehicle, so I sat with her, in the car, holding her head as she took her last breath, and life exited her body. I sat with her until she died. It was only a minute or two, but I felt so helpless, so inefficient, so worthless to do anything.

After she was dead, I went back to the task at hand and managed the scene. Notified dispatch of updates, got ambulances rolling and all other agencies and support needed to effectively handle this incident. This was in the city of League City, so once they arrived, I released the scene to them, helped in managing it, and when my help was no longer needed, I left the scene.

This event has been something that visits me regularly. The girl has visited my dreams on several occasions, as well as the entire memory of the experience. Every time, it has been a "heavy" memory and stirs such emotion in me... From anger, to sadness, and in both spectrums, a lot of tears and heartache.

We chose this event to do my EMDR experience.

Now, I have read up on EMDR and am aware of what it does in regards to digging up the dark stuff we bury and try to forget. I was terrified to find anything darker in this experience and I struggled to manage my anxiety thinking about pursuing this. As a matter of fact, on the first day we were to try it, I chose not to because of the fear of what could come up. Our second attempt revealed something that was so overwhelming to me, I was in a haze for a couple of days over it.

Much of what I read about PTSD and EMDR was that people who suffer from PTSD stuff and block out tragedy, blood, gore, etc.... So, I was really scared about what might come up I had blocked out.

We started the EMDR exercise, and in the exercise, while doing the EMDR process, you are to tell the story as best you can remember...So I started with the story I wrote above. When I got to the end of the story, I said....

"A couple days later, I saw the obituary in the paper of the girl. I looked up the Mother of the girl, and I called her. When I called her, I explained I was the Deputy that was first on scene, and I was with her daughter. I apologized to her for not being able to do more to save her daughter, and hoped she could forgive me"

I could not believe this came out of my mouth. I felt like I was standing outside of my body, watching myself say this, and was shocked to hear it. I have told this story to people probably a hundred times, and NEVER remembered this. I can tell you, it almost made my knees buckle. I had to stop the exercise, and gather myself. I felt short of breath, dizzy, and overwhelmed, I had to close my eyes, put my face in my palms, BREATHE... I dropped my face in my hands and just balled... How in the world did this come out of my mouth? I could not carry on with the session, my mind was racing..

At first, I was in disbelief. I really thought she had planted this in my head, coerced me into saying this. I had absolutely NO memory of it. I did not believe it was a truth. When I left the office, I was still in this weird haze. I thought, if I actually did do that, Donna would know, because I would have told her about it. As I was considering this, I started to SEE myself doing this...The memory was returning, or the memory was planted, but it was becoming much more real as I processed all of this. So, I called Donna, pretty emotional...

"Donna, I have to ask you a question. Do you remember the young girl I worked on that accident that always seems to revisit me?"

"Yes, of course I do"

"Do you remember if I called her mom?"

"Yes, I remember...You called her and told her you were sorry you couldn't do more"

Man, a WAVE hit me of emotion, and I told her I had to get off the phone.

I was sitting in my jeep, and I felt this weird weight of a thousand pounds, LEAVE my body. I was crying, shaking.... I couldn't believe it! I could not believe I had blocked this out...Why??

The rest of that day, and that night, I was in a very strange place...Like between reality and dream... I could not grasp why, and it was overwhelming.

The next day, I went back to my therapist and went through my day after we parted. I was still overwhelmed by what came up, and why it came up like that. Why would I block out such a caring thing?

After processing this with her, we concluded this was the way I protected my human side, my big heart, my caring and compassion. I blocked this out to shelter those things from the harshness of what I experienced. She concluded I was protecting my caring side so as to not violate that, and make it something and keep it in tact. This made sense to me, it seemed very on target because after that experience calling her mom, I never reached out to anyone again after a call. Not a follow up, or a check in, nothing...

I cannot express the relief I felt through this. I knew I had stuffed things, blocked things out, but I always feared it was something even more dark and nasty than what I remembered. To know it was simply my caring side, my empathy and compassion, this was a huge wave of relief for me. I was truly terrified to find anything uglier than what I remembered.

Although this was a period of "up" in my process, I was still in a very dark place. I felt very alone, unable to burden those close to me with my hardships, unable to break the stigma of having to NEED help, unable to be the strength my family needed in one of the darkest moments. Many people that know me will tell you, confidence is generally not something I lack. I have been called arrogant at times because of my self confidence. This period of time CRUSHED that.

Not only was I carrying the weight of people I trusted with EVRYTHING in my life betraying me, the loss of children, the PTSD related dreams and nightmares, the anxiety of not feeling like I was in control, I was unable to be the "rock" my family needed, I was unable to carry the weight.... I felt useless, like a burden, like my hardship and suffering was only making the hardships and suffering of those close to me even harder.

I felt useless, unworthy, a burden, broken, "less than"..... I questioned if I wanted to continue this struggle, this life, these burdens. I questioned if I was even important enough that it mattered. Ending it all really didn't feel like a bad option....As a matter of fact, in that space and time, it felt like my not being there would make the world better for those close to me.

While in this terribly dark spot, I got a text from one of my old Sheriffs Department buddies for me to call him. This is by far the first of such messages. I knew something bad had happened...

When I called him back, he explained to me that one of my rookies, one of the guys I had trained and saw come up in Patrol had killed himself, shot himself.

Mike was the first guy from my time with the Sheriffs Department that showed up to Janeen's funeral. He is one of the guys who stayed in touch over the years through texts and messages. He worked his way through the ranks, all the way to the command of the Patrol Division before he retired, about 3 years before he took his life. Mike was my rookie, and I trained him on the streets. We even had a "hard spot" at one time, and because we really did like each other, we sat and hashed it out, one on one, finding resolve, then building a Brotherhood!!

Needless to say, with all of this other weight, I was devastated! This was not the first friend I had lost to this, and I was completely stunned that Mike had taken this path... In a time where I had looked at that path as an option.

I immediately booked my flight to get down to be there for Mikes service and as usually happens, started getting calls from many of my Buddies from that period of my life. These calls were really eye opening for me.

I probably had 20 calls over the next couple of days about Mike and what had taken place, and in those calls, three of my buddies, Brethren, spoke to me about periods where they had considered the same route. These three also told me their plans, how it happened, what stopped them...They really opened up to me about their struggles and suffering....To which I never had ANY clue.

After hearing these stories from my Brothers, I really took a close look at where I was, what I was experiencing, what I could do to assure I never took that route. I was now scared, confused, and overly sad in general.

I went to the funeral for Mike, and I was so moved by the outpouring of love and support for him. I KNEW in the moment when he made his choice, he felt completely alone, completely unworthy, and searching for peace that clearly wasn't coming to him. The number of uniformed officers, and deputies, retired officers and deputies and general citizens just coming to show their love and support was terribly emotional for me. I had a profound awareness of my personal struggles in this space, and a profound awareness that Mike, nor myself, were alone at all.

My confidence was still nothing, my feeling of being alone was still profound, but I realized I had made this up, and it wasn't true. I am surrounded by people who care about me, and why I felt alone wasn't because of that, it was because no one could grasp what I was going through. I was still suffering terribly, but I knew my thoughts of ending it were ridiculous. I had far too much to live for, too much to still accomplish and my suffering, as difficult as it was, was not worth calling it quits!

The trip to Texas for Mikes funeral was a huge part of my healing. It really made me take a huge turn and focus on my immediate reality and connection with those I love, and who love me. Little did I know the change that was coming.

Before leaving Texas, I went to the spot where I worked the accident with the young girl. I parked my vehicle in the parking lot of the gas station where I saw the passenger being dragged, got out, walked up to the corner, and took a minute to be IN this experience. I could feel the emotion building in me and I said out loud…

"I am sorry I couldn't help you more, I hope you are at peace."

And after wiping the tears from my cheeks, I turned and left... I had made my peace with my demon.

After being there for Mike, and making my peace with my ghost, I could feel things changing... I could feel lightness, joy, and I actually had some peace with all of what had taken place. I wont say I was "healed" and I am quite sure I never will be "healed" of the tragedy, the destruction, the betrayals... Those things will always be with me, but I was seeing some light, I could see the path in front of me again.

At the time of this writing, I am still in a place where I am trying to recover my self confidence, mend my soul, find peace with ME. My therapy concluded, and I walked away feeling like I had really accomplished something. I felt like I wanted to continue, to keep moving, to take on life... Because for some time, I have had a very clouded view of that.

When the world broke in July of 2018, I gave up drinking...Again... But this time, I took notice of what I had been doing with my drinking.

I came to a very real understanding, I don't really like myself all that much. Over the last 10 years, I had drank myself to numbness, almost every single day of those 10 years. I was using alcohol to separate myself from people, and my reality. I would start drinking when I got home, and every night, drink myself to blackout by 10:00...  I truly lost myself in the bottle!

While in my drunken stoopers, I had pushed people away from me, I had been ugly and nasty to people to push them from me and I had lost myself in the haze of numbness through alcohol. I didn't like myself, why would I want others to like me? Now, being sober for over a year, I can reflect back with much more clarity of what I had been doing.

I am certain, my thoughts will never be clear of the darkness I have seen, experienced, and been a part of. I am certain I will have the dead I have worked still visit my dreams, I am certain the gory and horrific scenes will still vividly be a part of my life, the abused and neglected children, the murdered people, the abused and victimized...They are ALL a part of who I am, and part of why I move through the world like I do... And honestly, I would never want to be rid of those memories.

I am sure I have not lost my last Brother to this, I am sure there are MANY of my Brothers suffering terribly with this type of darkness, and burden. I hope, with this blog, my Brethren and others will read it and realize they are not alone, there is an answer to these struggles. However, to find those will take some difficult decision to be vulnerable, to be open to possibilities, to EMBRACE those difficult things and be comfortable with those things being a part of who you are.

I am fully aware, in the space of heavy burden and darkness, no "Call me anytime Bro" or "I am here if you need me" or "Please, reach out" means anything... Those words mean NOTHING when suffering...All we want is for the suffering to END, but, there are other options.

For those of you struggling, or even those of you concerned, I encourage you to seek the help. I encourage you to look at EMDR therapy and let yourself experience the healing of it. I hope people see this and understand, ending it truly isn't the only option. I hope people see this and understand there IS light in this suffering.

And I hope my Brethren, and anyone else reading this who are suffering knows, as empty as it may feel, as alone as you might think you are, YOU ARE NOT!!

To ALL my people in Emergency fields, and to all those outside of my circle in these fields, I HONOR YOU!! I am grateful to have stood with you in dark times, and I am grateful to stand beside you in dark times. I had your 6 then, I will have your 6 always. You people are some of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I am HONORED to be a part of this life!

Blessings to you all. Take care of yourself out there, and "in there"...And remember the motto.... ALWAYS GET HOME!! Be safe folks... Never hesitate to reach out if you need... I am never too busy to hear from my people!

Peace! to you all!

***In Memory of my lost Brothers, Mike and Marty, you are not forgotten, and you are STILL loved!!***

We travel in circles.

As many of you know from my blogs, or from knowing me personally, I was a bit of a troubled youth as I was growing up. Because of certain people in my life, I was influenced in my direction. As many troubled kids, there are a few people from your youth who stand out, made an impact, created a connection that is unforgettable.

I have been blessed with several.

I cant tell you every counselor I spoke to, every teacher I had, every cop I encountered, every principals office I sat in... But there are a few who I can never forget.

In my early, to mid teens, my father introduced me to a cop in Colorado Springs. A HUGE black guy, he was Mr. Colorado, or Mr. Colorado Springs, I cant remember. As I remember him, he was this monster of a guy. He was one of the few cops I had ever really interacted with, and he took an interest in me. Now, I wont tell you it stopped me from doing anything. But I always remembered this guy never had a bad thing to say to me, he never made less of my dreams, he never told me I couldn't do it my way....He was just VERY CLEAR about explaining consequences, and he always lifted me up. He was probably the first person who ever connected with me in such  way that I understood my choices brought me results... I never forgot that, modeled how I interacted with my kids as well as my foster kids. Have made huge impacts with youth by that lesson

I cant actually remember a direct interaction or conversation we had, but I remember his presence in my life, I always have.

His name was Fletcher Howard, and he was a Colorado Springs Police Officer, probably a rookie at that time, and has always just been someone I have remembered fondly.

I remember when I graduated from Grad School, I reached out to Fletcher and sent him pics, and a letter thanking him, and explaining the path I took from the time he was in my life. I told him how it was people like him that led me to work with troubled youth. I wanted him to know my gratitude.

I don't think we ever connected after that, but I knew it got to him, and as long as he got it, I didn't care, I jut wanted him to know.

After a career in Law Enforcement, College, Grad School, Program Director, Administrator, DOR Supervisor, Abuse and Neglect Case Manager, and all my journeys, I am in Denver, at a Drury Inn, in the FEMA Emergency Manager Academy with a group of people who will be the next ERA of disaster preparedness in this state. I am in the lobby with my classmates and hear one of them talking to a lady about her husband. She too is one of my classmates. The are talking and he is praising her husband, and his service to Colorado Springs. They go on, and I hear them say 39 years with the Colorado Springs Police Department. I jokingly look over and said

"39 years?? Your husband might have arrested me back in the day"

And the conversation went on.

Then I heard them say her husband was the first black detective for CSPD, and I leaned in....

"Is your husband Fletcher Howard?"

And she said

"Yes, did he arrest you?"

And I laughed and told her the story....

He is coming to the Hotel this weekend, and I probably have not seen him since I was 16 years old.... I just cant tell you how blown my mind is. I had to get this written down. I am actually going to come face to face with one of the people from my youth that impacted me throughout my life, and has never been forgotten. I am now peers with his wife professionally.... I am just floored...

I will update as this unfolds, but man, it sure is a small world....

And isn't it crazy the circle we exist in????

Tattoos, entitlement, and our new generation....

My first tattoo was when I was 18. I was with my long time friend, Brett, and we decided to go down to south Nevada and get tattoos. In those days, it was still "taboo" and only the "bad kids" had tattoos... I was so naïve and stupid. I put Opus, from Bloom County Cartoon on my chest. I wore that tattoo up to the age of about 37 when I covered it up with my start of my extensive tattoo process.

I have been getting tattooed since 1984-ish and have always loved the art, the studios, modified people, tattoo people, and this culture. It is FULL of narcissistic asswads who think they are something "special" but there are so many interesting, and colorful people that are a part of this family.

Now, there is much debate and arguing about those who are heavily tattooed. Non tattooed people cant fathom the idea and label us as attention seekers and people with self esteem issues looking for acceptance or attention. I will admit, I believe there is some truth to this (I love showing off my sleeves).

In my experience, MOST of those I know that are heavily tattooed are pretty opinionated, loud and boisterous. There are some modest folks in this family too, quiet, reserved, etc.... I don't feel that diversity is limited in the tattoo culture, it too spreads across all spectrums.

For me, personally, as most of you know, I am pretty loud, opinionated and an attention suck, so I fit in that model of inked folks. But I also really value the art, and the ability to express myself however I feel I need to in my tattoos. I also have a taste for "non offensive" tattoos and prefer colorful, vibrant stuff with a story. I am happy my tattoos are appealing and tasteful....Some surely aren't!

The other side of that, is I realize that many don't care for tattoos, many organizations, professionally, have policies against showing tattoos or body modifications, and I have always respected those rules and boundaries. I still love the saying...

"What's the difference between tattooed people and non tattooed people?

Us tattooed people don't care that you aren't tattooed"

I find this to be true in my experience and perspective of the art.

In the last year or so, I have started to get both my arms completely sleeved. I am able to wear long sleeves for work, and never questioned this would be how I carried myself professionally. I do not get offended that others don't appreciate my love for tattoos, and ultimately, I am not at work to capitalize on my personal creativity or expression, I am there to do a job...THATS IT!

Yesterday, I had a debate/dialog/conversation with a few 30-something tattooed and modified people. Their argument was that

It is unprofessional for an organization to have policies to cover tattoos, take out face piercings, and cover body modifications. 

This conversation went back and forth. From my perspective as a past administrator, and manager of people, as well as being a heavily tattooed person. MY stand, was that companies, organizations, and employers set rules, have standards they incorporate that built the business to the point where you get to have a job, and it is unreasonable to expect they change those standards, rules and policies to meet their individual, and personal expression. I also stated that it was NOT unprofessional... What is unprofessional is a person thinking they are entitled to ANYTHING from and employer. You are there to do a J-O-B, and anything outside of that, is not allowed. How is that a radical, and unreasonable concept?

Man, I was slammed by these people!!!

The argument continued about modified people being "capable" and "good workers", etc.... I explained that it wasn't about their ability to do the job, its about meeting the standards of the organization that signs your check (so you can go get modifications....idiots)

I was slammed again!!

Then it went to

"How can we make a stand for our cause if we aren't standing for it everywhere?"

I stated

"You are there to do a JOB, not fight or support a cause"

Holy shit, then it got really bad!

The person I was chatting with directly was a moderator of the page and made her final statement and then closed the thread to any further comments....

Wait, wait a minute, wait just a damn minute!!! Did you just prove my point??

So, I contacted the moderator directly and explained I wasn't trying to fight, just making a point, and then used her actions to support what I was saying...

"Well, its your page, your rules, and much like I said in the thread, if I want to stay in your group, I will follow the rules, because unlike you and the others in that thread, I have no expectation for you to bend your rules to suit me"

BAM you stupid, entitled idiot!!

In the last couple of months, I have witnessed things first hand that I thought were only rumors...

Our youth going into the workforce with a mindset that they are "owed" something.... A generation of parents who allow children to make rules... A complete loss of work ethic to be replaced with demands from employees....Man, this is NOT the world I grew up in, and man, I am glad its not the generation I am growing up in.

Let me state, I love being an American, I love the USA, our freedoms, our ability to pursue what we want, but this "First World Country" mentality and ease has really created some ridiculous shit.

I mean really....Do you think in 3rd world Countries they are concerned with which bathroom to use, what gender they are, their rights to be that gender, attacks and ridicule for opinions and choices? Do you think they are wasting countless peoples pay and resources to pursue some 50-60 year old person for acts they did as a teenager or college kid? Do you think they model and worship actors and celebrities who are nothing but facades and are putting on an act? Do you think they care that your cardboard should go in one trash bin and plastic in another, and food in another??

It seems, human beings, as they attain more liberties and freedoms, they expect those to be accepted overall, with no standards and move the through the world without regard for rules (and trust me, I have broken my share of rules).

I hate to say this, because I am sure it will make my blog hit some secret service flag system, but people here need a taste of what the REAL WORLD actually is. We need a "reset" button to push so we can get back on track.... And in todays age, the only way that is going to happen, is some kind of really devastating thing take place here... Something that reminds people of what is really going on in the world, and where our priorities serve us, not limit us.

I am a dark humored, inappropriate, clown.... I push buttons, I walk edges and I make dark jokes....But I always do it to lighten a mood, or set precedent in how to deal with me....But now, I am scared to really BE who I am because so many people get so easily offended anymore. And now, when you offend someone, they can actually pursue you administratively, or legally....AND WIN!!

I have heard it all my life, by every generation before me...

"What has happened to our society? What is wrong with the youth of today?"

And here I am now, in that passing era, saying the very same damn things... We advance?? We get better?? We grow??

No, the hypocrisy of it all is in this pursuit of acceptance, it is limiting people and who they truly are. And I don't know about you, but I much prefer dealing with a "REAL" person than some fake ass poser putting on a face and doing bullshit happy dances claiming the world is all dandelions and unicorns...

We all pray for a world where kids will not have to experience terrible acts, extreme violence, war, atrocities, etc.... But I think, without those realizations, we have now created a space where this generation can CREATE drama to focus on. We have guarded our youth soooo much, that they feel they are entitled to protection form everything.

I am sure, because of how the world operates, these youth will get to experience their share of struggle and hardships. Life aint no bowl of cherries, and its a cruel and harsh world we live in, at the very core of life's creation, it is conflict, battles and adversity...SO, life WILL catch up to these entitled little shits...

In a world of people being offended, I am offended that they are offended... Us being guarded from all the harshness of the world does not prepare us for when the harshness comes in full force with a vengeance... There are no "safe spaces" in this world, there is no stopping violence, there is no way that in humans current state that "World Peace" will be possible and the growth of this entitled mentality is going to get a big SLAP one day... I hope I am here to see it... Without getting sued for being offensive... lol!!

But, I have said it before....

"Either the whole world is crazy, or I am"

And I am still not sure which is the truth...