Ending it with BCFS

I have not posted since my deployment because much has been going on since my return. I realized I was pretty miserable when I left the office to go to the deployment and found that the misery i had left was waiting for my return. I am truly NOT happy in the role I have at my current position and it is really starting to make me ill.

After getting home from the shelter, I took some time to reflect on my life and where I was, where I was going, and what in the hell was I doing where I am now. I was hoping I would have a little more time, but the Universe has an idea of her own in regards to time.

When I got back, immediately I was confronted with my bosses who were throwing a new program at me to take on. It was a grant for 200k a year to add to the transitional living program that I currently manage. I have 4 programs I oversee and as a result of the management of those programs, i have absolutely become a "paper pusher" and a "budget cruncher" and a "desk jockey" and I have no interaction with people. I am micro-managed to the point where LITERALLY i cannot even speak to other people in relationship to my work or people that I SHOULD be communicating with for my work unless it is cleared through the proper channels. Then when it is cleared through the proper channels, i am TOLD what to say, how to say it and am reminded that if I make a mistake, it wont be looked on favorably AT ALL.

I CANT BREATHE!!!

So when I get back and they throw this at me, we get on a conference call and we start to discuss the ins and outs of this grant we are pursuing. Now keep in mind, I have been coached NUMEROUS times from my superiors that I am not to ask questions on conference calls so as i was listening to these people talk about "RFP's" and "Partner Matrix's" and proposals, and blah, blah, blah....I was totally lost and had no idea what any of these terms meant. I was instructed to format a matrix that involved all of the partners we work with and when I got off the phone, i went the direction I THOUGH that this meant.... of course, i was wrong.

So my boss calls me and starts in about how inaccurately I have done this and starts in on me about the conference call....I started back at her about how I had no idea what any of this meant and am not allowed to ask questions on conference calls....and then it hit me....

I am going down this same road with my boss (who I do have respect for) that I have done in the past that only results in more frustration, anger and resentment....And I stopped the conversation and said...

"Look, this is the deal.... I don't get this stuff like you do, AND I don't want to. I know I am DAMN good at what i do. I just left San Antonio where I managed 120 kids, 50 staff and ran an emergency shelter for 16 days. The staff threw 2 parties for me when I left and people actually cried as i walked out the doors. My talents, skills and abilities are not best served in this position. I know I am a vital part of the team but if we were a football team and you put me in as quarterback and I am at my best as a lineman, I am REALLY cool with being a lineman so our team can win! I think I need to go back to a lineman!

I don't understand how you and your boss can read a grant one time and then come back on a conference call and say "on page 23, 3rd paragraph, second line, it says......." I just don't get it...And I cant make myself get it.... You are trying to take someone who oil paints well and put them in a physics class and expect an "A"....You are trying to put a square peg in a round hole.... We are both getting frustrated with each other and the most important part, we aren't serving our clients to our full potential like this. I am asking to step down from my position in management with BCFS. I don't want to leave the organization, I know there aren't any openings here but if we can figure something out, I don't want to do this job anymore."

She understood and agreed and went on about how she admired my determination to not try to conform to something I am not, my desire to move forward with my passions....At the time, it felt like 20lbs was lifted off my stomach.

We ended the call and I went back to work. We had alot going on in the next couple of weeks. We moved Brandi and the boys to Ft Worth, we went to Galveston for Shanna getting married and the whole time, I am wondering what the hell I am going to do.

What made it worse was my boss, at the time of the call, was on deployment and would be out for two weeks. Any decision that was going to be made was going to have to be made then. On May 22nd, i sent my formal letter asking for re-assignment to my boss. She still had a week to be out but i just could not let this sit anymore...I HAD to make something move.

I went online and found the classes I was going to need to have me fully prepared for an incident Management Team with FEMA and got signed up. I saw there was one going on the last week of June, but it was full and there was a waiting list. I signed up for stand by and then signed up for another one in July that I KNEW I could get in just in case.

My boss came back from deployment and tried to put me off with the reassignment. I explained to her that I needed to know where I stood so i could start taking action to take care of myself. I was aware that there was no place to re-assign me to and there was no one at the office that had the ability to perform the tasks that the position demanded...It hit me pretty quick that I might be out of a job soon.

So upon her return, we met with her boss, we all three sat in a room and started to discuss this. As I feared, the only option available to me was to take a position in San Antonio for 10k less a year. That would mean 10k less on my paycheck and an hour commute every day, ONE WAY....Not reasonable!

I declined that offer and was told the only other option was for me to resign. So........ I did.......

Now I know people are thinking this is insane and stupid and not the best choice, but I am confident, even through my fear, THIS is the right choice.... I chose it, and there is no other excuse!

I was LITERALLY to the point where I was waking up on Sunday and more entire day was shot because all i could do was focus on the dread of going to work on Monday. I have NEVER had a position like that and it was just killing me....Life shouldn't be like that and I would rather worry about a next step than worry about taking one into the bear trap.

So, June 22nd will be my last day with BCFS. I have 2 possibilities out there in the world right now for jobs in this area....A position with BCFS Emergency Management Services and a position with Disaster response with the Red Cross.... I HAVE GOT to get away from this direct care, non profit, case management life....Its just not getting me where I want to go. I have another option that is on the plate that even scarier and if things don't go the way I need them to with these other opportunities, I/We are going to have to take a HUGE next step...

So, BCFS HHS, Teen and Youth Division.... It has been grand and it has been fun....I have had some great times but I think my time with you is complete. I met some great people, touched some lives and had mine touched in so many ways. This will definitely be another experience that guides me to whats next.... I hope the best for the organization, the center and the dedicated people there who are impacting the lives of others. Blessings to you all!