PTSD and EMDR

I remember when PTSD was a term only related to Viet Nam veterans. I remember how intrigued I was by this, so I read stories, and journals, and medical information around it. I remember thinking...

"How is it emergency field people don't suffer from this. Yes, soldiers see a lot of terrible things on their tours. We as officers and emergency workers see tragedy, destruction and carnage regularly, over the course of a 25+ year career. How are these fields not represented in these studies and examined?"

When I was on the streets, there was no treatment for events, there was no decompression or follow up when we worked horrific scenes. We were encouraged to get our reports done, and go home... What generally happened on the way home was a stop at the liquor store on those days.... Well, on most days...

As the years have unfolded, and more light is shone upon this issue, it was determined, of course emergency workers suffer from this. However, it is still very much a taboo to reach out for help in these fields if one is suffering. Sadly, PTSD events, our exposure to tragic and horrific things and needing to process it is seen as a weakness and could affect ones professional life, and pursuits. I don't know that this stigma will ever been removed from this issue, but at least its getting some attention and there is work being done to help our emergency workers.

In 2018, after several very tragic events, a dead baby, a child that was killed in an accident, and then a child client being killed in a flash flood, I broke.

I have been very aware of my PTSD and was diagnoses as having PTSD in 2003 after having some serious struggles trying to re-enter the "regular world" from the "cop world." I was having difficulty in social settings, with anxiety, with the feeling of "I don't belong" as well as re-occurring nightmares with visits from those I had witnessed killed, or horrific scenes I had been on. Trying to adjust to a "normal" world from a world of emergency fields was a very tough...Probably one of the hardest things I have had to do.

I went from a world of adrenaline rushes, high speed chases, fights, foot chases, being known and respected in the field, to a "nobody." I knew I didn't want to be a cop anymore, but I had no education or training to do anything else. I had hundreds of hours of training, and experience that most humans will never have, and I was simply another person out in the world, trying to figure it out. 17 years later, there are still days I am trying to figure it out.

I was always aware after being diagnosed, struggles or issues I was having with sleep or emotions was probably related to my PTSD. Because of that awareness, I never really suffered from anything I couldn't manage. In 2017, that all changed.

After the death of a baby where I work, even though I didn't work the case, I started to have some real issues with babies deaths I had worked in the past. My dreams were filled with dead babies, my brain would shift to dead babies and me seeing their faces...I also started to recognize I was becoming angry much easier, frustrated, on edge...I would SNAP over ridiculous things.

I knew this was related to the PTSD and reached out for help with my job at the time. Oddly, the day after I reached out for help, my symptoms went away. The dreams stopped, the weird thoughts...It just quit. So, with that, I didn't pursue any other support over it, and just went back to my every day routines.

In 2018, we lost our oldest daughter. This event shifted everything in our lives. At the time, I thought I was doing OK with this tragedy, little did I know what was brewing.

After this loss, my focus was on my family and trying to grieve and get through this horrible time. Not too long after, the dreams and anger returned, but not on a scale as profound as previously, but it would grow. I continued my focus to be on my family.

In July of 2019, I had a youth I was working with who had aged out of the foster care system, and on THE DAY of getting him out of foster care placement, and on his own, just a few hours after his move in to his apartment, he was killed in a flash flood. The night I got news of this, I was betrayed, once again, by someone close to me, and attacked. Not only was my character attacked, many of the things I hold dear to me were attacked...My Integrity, my caring and compassion, my big heart... Yet another huge betrayal and not just a betrayal, an attack and betrayal in one of the darkest moments of my life. Oddly, from a "Social Worker" friend, who was also one of the "leaders" for the organization I worked for, and was fully aware of my loss, as well as my struggles and depression. Just another bit of evidence that people suck... But this guy and his wife, they suck more than most. Of all days and times to attack me..What sorry, low life, hateful, TAKERS they are.

It was here that I SNAPPED. I lost complete control of my emotions, my anger, my sense of wanting to even continue with this life. I might have had a grip on the losses, but this betrayal just toppled any pillars of support or confidence I had. I can remember the night clearly, and I remember the words told to me that made me snap back to reality.

After experiencing this betrayal, and losing myself in the emotion of all of this tragedy, I was out of control, I lost all control of my emotions and ability to "grip"... I was completely unhinged, out of control.... I remember Donna looking at me, and for the first time in our lives together, she said

"You are scaring me."

And all reality snapped back in an instant.

I love Donna more than life itself. I would lay my life down for this woman, I would step in front of a charging bull for her to protect her, and to hear her tell me I was "scaring her" was profound. I never want Donna or my family to be scared of me. I want them to always look at me as a place of safety, and security. It was THIS moment when I KNEW I was spiraling out of control and as much as I just wanted to end this life of struggle and hardship, I KNEW I needed to make some significant changes.

I went in to work the next day to quit. I found this "friend" had gotten there earlier to try and bury me. Not only did he attack me, he attacked Donna, and our relationship/marriage too. He revealed stuff  I told him in confidence, as a friend, all in an effort to make himself look good. I heard him say before

"Make sure your story is the first told, because that's is what people will believe"

and man, he was on a mission to do that!

I was DONE with direct care and the profession I had been in. There was no way I could continue this path and be healthy, so I was going to just walk.

While I was packing up my office, my boss came in, closed the door and asked me if we could talk. After agreeing, she stated she could see I was in a terrible place and the events that unfolded were tearing me apart, so she recommended I stay, take a leave of absence and pursue help through the County I worked for. I explained I would take any help offered, because I was so lost, and we moved forward to get me some help.

I am not one that fears counseling, or coaching, or help...I actually encourage it. But let me tell you, making that call to get help and start therapy was very scary for me. I have it ENGRAINED in my head reaching out for help around this type of thing is WEAKNESS and the implications of such weakness could impact me professionally and personally...And sadly, it isn't incorrect.

It is a sad thing when people in the emergency fields cant reach out for help when suffering from the trauma they have experienced in their professions and how it impacts them in a way that causes such pain. Whats funny, is this is seen as "weakness" when in reality, these events never impact me, or others I know, when dealing with crisis, or emergencies. For me, and those I know, these experiences come when we are at rest, alone, quiet, in our heads....NOT when we are doing the job. But, how does one shake that stigma?

When I set up my counseling session, I was really terrified of what could happen as a result of this pursuit for healing, but I knew if I didn't get the help, I might just lose my mind, hurt myself, hell, hurt others.

I can remember the first time after the event, driving around, I had terrible anxiety. I knew I was unstable and was on edge. I knew I had the ability to "snap" at any minute...I even considered an in patient program so I could feel more safe. When I was driving around to get to appointments and such, I was scared of getting in even a small fender bender, or being in a crowd and getting bumped, or pushed. The thought of it made me want to hurt someone, so it was very scary to me to put myself in these situations because I didn't know if I would just snap and go off, and as a result, either get myself very hurt, or really hurt someone else. I actually felt myself coming out of my skin at times. It was a horrible feeling.

At my first session, I told the therapist of my concern. I was defensive, and pretty shitty to her. I wanted to assure complete discretion, BEYOND what HIPPA requires for medical professionals. I expressed my concern for my reputation and professionalism, and explained to her, without these assurances, we would never get to the core of what is killing me, and I KNEW I had to get to the core of it.

After an hour of discussion on the topic, I felt a bit more assured. However, I was tip-toeing around her, still concerned about getting into all the things I had done, and experienced in my professional life.

I have a very difficult time trusting people. There was a period of my life after Law Enforcement, and prior to this event, where I saw how my mistrust of people was hindering my experience of people, so I took some chances, and worked VERY hard to let my guard down, and openly trust people... What a mistake that was.

In this time period of "trusting people" I discovered one of my closest friends, a guy I had truly been to war with, been in life and death situations with, celebrated birthdays and holidays with, new births, graduations...Hell, my kid even gave him a kidney; had betrayed me terribly. Not only did he betray me, he masked the betrayal for years, KNOWING I was suffering from what had happened, hiding it from me, even trying to cast the blame on others and lying to me over and over while his POS wife was bashing me, belittling me, just overall NASTY.... What was even worse, is when I had experiences of suffering from this, it was HIM I called to cry to, tell of my broken heart, my confidant in so many personal things in my life...And the whole time, it was HIM that had created ALL of it. When I found out it was him, and addressed him on it, not only did he deny it, he avoided it, and continued the lie.... When all I wanted was an explanation and an apology... He couldn't even offer me that... What a great "Friend" I chose huh??

Shortly after that, I discovered my best friend through my college years, the guy I went to Grad school with, he betrayed me too. He took advantage of my kindness, my home, and my family... He committed the ultimate betrayal as a Mason, and he too never offered an apology, an understanding... Not sure I would have heard it...And as a result of this betrayal, he caused a riff between someone I love and adore... He cut me so deeply and dirty, it has impacted my family.

Then, the betrayal on the night of the loss of my client. Another Mason, "Brother".... Another piece of shit who attacked me at my most vulnerable spot. A guy that was FULLY aware of my suffering over the last couple of years. A guy, AND his sorry wife, that I used to vent, express my suffering, my pain. A "social worker" that praised himself as "exceptional"...His wife, a "social worker" as well, who she too explained her "greatness" in the field, her ability to connect and help people...What a friggin JOKE these two are! Not only attacked me, but attacked my character, my integrity, my loyalty, and my Obligation as a Mason. It is a very fortunate thing Donna was with me when this happened, because had she not gotten in the middle of that, I dread to think of how it could have unfolded; it was in this moment the towers crumbled around me!.

Now, I was supposed to trust some stranger with my deepest and darkest experiences?

Let me tell you, as I type this now, I have given up the "trust everyone" ideal, and am back to trusting NO ONE again. It just seems to be less of a hardship on me and my spirit. It isn't a burden to me to give that up, clearly the burden I experienced was IN the trusting. I wont make the same mistakes again.

After a couple of sessions with the therapist, I felt more comfortable to pursue my issues. I will add, I was terrified with each thing I would tell her, expecting this would not stay in the therapy room. I knew I had to get this help though, so I continued on, feeling at each revelation I was losing even more of a grip on life and my spirit to continue in this life. It was terrifying for me...Truly terrifying.

My therapist and I agreed to start an intensive therapeutic process. 8 hours of intense therapy a day, for 10 days. After the 10 days, we would re-evaluate the progress and start fresh from there.

To give you an understanding of how dark our lives in emergency professions can be, let me share this...

My therapist had been a licensed therapist for over 10 years. After my 10 days, she told me that she had never heard such things and couldn't believe people in these fields experience such destruction, darkness, tragedy, loss of life, etc... I found it funny she had been doing her job for so long, and it was me and my experiences that shocked her.

After the 10 day process, we went back to dark, and impacting places I had opened up about in our sessions. She stated she wanted to try and do EMDR on me to process through the dark places that seemed to visit me regularly, so we went to the one that seems to impact me the most.

When I was a Patrol Deputy, I drove up on a scene one night, late, probably 2:30am. The scene, at first appearances didn't seem so bad. I drove up on a car accident, in the middle of an intersection. It was a "T-Bone" accident where a car had hit the drivers side of another car, right on the drivers door. As I pulled up, there were 2 guys dragging a 3rd guy into a parking lot of a gas station at the intersection. My first thought was these guys are dragging this guy out of the vehicle to beat him for the accident. I pulled into the parking lot and drove right up to the 3 guys, I roled down my window and said....

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing?"

And immediately, the men looked up at me in a panic...

"We just drove up on this accident and are getting this guy out of the vehicle. There is a girl still in the car and she is in really bad shape, we cant get her out of the car, pleas, help her...please!!"

I called on the radio to let dispatch know what was going on, and immediately went to the car. In the passenger seat was a very pretty, young girl, long brown hair and it was clear she had been out and was dressed nicely. She was unconscious, so I immediately went and took her pulse. She wasn't breathing very well if at all, and I detected a faint pulse. I knew I was going to have to do CPR on this girl soon, and I tried to get her out of the car. As I tried to extract her, she was stuck on something. I knew there was a sense of urgency to get her out, so I started to look for what was hanging her up.

The car she was in was the car impacted. The drivers side was crushed, and she was thrown into the passenger seat, over the console. As I explored the vehicle to find what was holding her in, I saw that the drivers side of the car had buckled, and one of the buckles of metal grabbed her left foot and it was pinched in the metal. There was NO WAY I was going to be able to get her out of the vehicle, so I sat with her, in the car, holding her head as she took her last breath, and life exited her body. I sat with her until she died. It was only a minute or two, but I felt so helpless, so inefficient, so worthless to do anything.

After she was dead, I went back to the task at hand and managed the scene. Notified dispatch of updates, got ambulances rolling and all other agencies and support needed to effectively handle this incident. This was in the city of League City, so once they arrived, I released the scene to them, helped in managing it, and when my help was no longer needed, I left the scene.

This event has been something that visits me regularly. The girl has visited my dreams on several occasions, as well as the entire memory of the experience. Every time, it has been a "heavy" memory and stirs such emotion in me... From anger, to sadness, and in both spectrums, a lot of tears and heartache.

We chose this event to do my EMDR experience.

Now, I have read up on EMDR and am aware of what it does in regards to digging up the dark stuff we bury and try to forget. I was terrified to find anything darker in this experience and I struggled to manage my anxiety thinking about pursuing this. As a matter of fact, on the first day we were to try it, I chose not to because of the fear of what could come up. Our second attempt revealed something that was so overwhelming to me, I was in a haze for a couple of days over it.

Much of what I read about PTSD and EMDR was that people who suffer from PTSD stuff and block out tragedy, blood, gore, etc.... So, I was really scared about what might come up I had blocked out.

We started the EMDR exercise, and in the exercise, while doing the EMDR process, you are to tell the story as best you can remember...So I started with the story I wrote above. When I got to the end of the story, I said....

"A couple days later, I saw the obituary in the paper of the girl. I looked up the Mother of the girl, and I called her. When I called her, I explained I was the Deputy that was first on scene, and I was with her daughter. I apologized to her for not being able to do more to save her daughter, and hoped she could forgive me"

I could not believe this came out of my mouth. I felt like I was standing outside of my body, watching myself say this, and was shocked to hear it. I have told this story to people probably a hundred times, and NEVER remembered this. I can tell you, it almost made my knees buckle. I had to stop the exercise, and gather myself. I felt short of breath, dizzy, and overwhelmed, I had to close my eyes, put my face in my palms, BREATHE... I dropped my face in my hands and just balled... How in the world did this come out of my mouth? I could not carry on with the session, my mind was racing..

At first, I was in disbelief. I really thought she had planted this in my head, coerced me into saying this. I had absolutely NO memory of it. I did not believe it was a truth. When I left the office, I was still in this weird haze. I thought, if I actually did do that, Donna would know, because I would have told her about it. As I was considering this, I started to SEE myself doing this...The memory was returning, or the memory was planted, but it was becoming much more real as I processed all of this. So, I called Donna, pretty emotional...

"Donna, I have to ask you a question. Do you remember the young girl I worked on that accident that always seems to revisit me?"

"Yes, of course I do"

"Do you remember if I called her mom?"

"Yes, I remember...You called her and told her you were sorry you couldn't do more"

Man, a WAVE hit me of emotion, and I told her I had to get off the phone.

I was sitting in my jeep, and I felt this weird weight of a thousand pounds, LEAVE my body. I was crying, shaking.... I couldn't believe it! I could not believe I had blocked this out...Why??

The rest of that day, and that night, I was in a very strange place...Like between reality and dream... I could not grasp why, and it was overwhelming.

The next day, I went back to my therapist and went through my day after we parted. I was still overwhelmed by what came up, and why it came up like that. Why would I block out such a caring thing?

After processing this with her, we concluded this was the way I protected my human side, my big heart, my caring and compassion. I blocked this out to shelter those things from the harshness of what I experienced. She concluded I was protecting my caring side so as to not violate that, and make it something and keep it in tact. This made sense to me, it seemed very on target because after that experience calling her mom, I never reached out to anyone again after a call. Not a follow up, or a check in, nothing...

I cannot express the relief I felt through this. I knew I had stuffed things, blocked things out, but I always feared it was something even more dark and nasty than what I remembered. To know it was simply my caring side, my empathy and compassion, this was a huge wave of relief for me. I was truly terrified to find anything uglier than what I remembered.

Although this was a period of "up" in my process, I was still in a very dark place. I felt very alone, unable to burden those close to me with my hardships, unable to break the stigma of having to NEED help, unable to be the strength my family needed in one of the darkest moments. Many people that know me will tell you, confidence is generally not something I lack. I have been called arrogant at times because of my self confidence. This period of time CRUSHED that.

Not only was I carrying the weight of people I trusted with EVRYTHING in my life betraying me, the loss of children, the PTSD related dreams and nightmares, the anxiety of not feeling like I was in control, I was unable to be the "rock" my family needed, I was unable to carry the weight.... I felt useless, like a burden, like my hardship and suffering was only making the hardships and suffering of those close to me even harder.

I felt useless, unworthy, a burden, broken, "less than"..... I questioned if I wanted to continue this struggle, this life, these burdens. I questioned if I was even important enough that it mattered. Ending it all really didn't feel like a bad option....As a matter of fact, in that space and time, it felt like my not being there would make the world better for those close to me.

While in this terribly dark spot, I got a text from one of my old Sheriffs Department buddies for me to call him. This is by far the first of such messages. I knew something bad had happened...

When I called him back, he explained to me that one of my rookies, one of the guys I had trained and saw come up in Patrol had killed himself, shot himself.

Mike was the first guy from my time with the Sheriffs Department that showed up to Janeen's funeral. He is one of the guys who stayed in touch over the years through texts and messages. He worked his way through the ranks, all the way to the command of the Patrol Division before he retired, about 3 years before he took his life. Mike was my rookie, and I trained him on the streets. We even had a "hard spot" at one time, and because we really did like each other, we sat and hashed it out, one on one, finding resolve, then building a Brotherhood!!

Needless to say, with all of this other weight, I was devastated! This was not the first friend I had lost to this, and I was completely stunned that Mike had taken this path... In a time where I had looked at that path as an option.

I immediately booked my flight to get down to be there for Mikes service and as usually happens, started getting calls from many of my Buddies from that period of my life. These calls were really eye opening for me.

I probably had 20 calls over the next couple of days about Mike and what had taken place, and in those calls, three of my buddies, Brethren, spoke to me about periods where they had considered the same route. These three also told me their plans, how it happened, what stopped them...They really opened up to me about their struggles and suffering....To which I never had ANY clue.

After hearing these stories from my Brothers, I really took a close look at where I was, what I was experiencing, what I could do to assure I never took that route. I was now scared, confused, and overly sad in general.

I went to the funeral for Mike, and I was so moved by the outpouring of love and support for him. I KNEW in the moment when he made his choice, he felt completely alone, completely unworthy, and searching for peace that clearly wasn't coming to him. The number of uniformed officers, and deputies, retired officers and deputies and general citizens just coming to show their love and support was terribly emotional for me. I had a profound awareness of my personal struggles in this space, and a profound awareness that Mike, nor myself, were alone at all.

My confidence was still nothing, my feeling of being alone was still profound, but I realized I had made this up, and it wasn't true. I am surrounded by people who care about me, and why I felt alone wasn't because of that, it was because no one could grasp what I was going through. I was still suffering terribly, but I knew my thoughts of ending it were ridiculous. I had far too much to live for, too much to still accomplish and my suffering, as difficult as it was, was not worth calling it quits!

The trip to Texas for Mikes funeral was a huge part of my healing. It really made me take a huge turn and focus on my immediate reality and connection with those I love, and who love me. Little did I know the change that was coming.

Before leaving Texas, I went to the spot where I worked the accident with the young girl. I parked my vehicle in the parking lot of the gas station where I saw the passenger being dragged, got out, walked up to the corner, and took a minute to be IN this experience. I could feel the emotion building in me and I said out loud…

"I am sorry I couldn't help you more, I hope you are at peace."

And after wiping the tears from my cheeks, I turned and left... I had made my peace with my demon.

After being there for Mike, and making my peace with my ghost, I could feel things changing... I could feel lightness, joy, and I actually had some peace with all of what had taken place. I wont say I was "healed" and I am quite sure I never will be "healed" of the tragedy, the destruction, the betrayals... Those things will always be with me, but I was seeing some light, I could see the path in front of me again.

At the time of this writing, I am still in a place where I am trying to recover my self confidence, mend my soul, find peace with ME. My therapy concluded, and I walked away feeling like I had really accomplished something. I felt like I wanted to continue, to keep moving, to take on life... Because for some time, I have had a very clouded view of that.

When the world broke in July of 2018, I gave up drinking...Again... But this time, I took notice of what I had been doing with my drinking.

I came to a very real understanding, I don't really like myself all that much. Over the last 10 years, I had drank myself to numbness, almost every single day of those 10 years. I was using alcohol to separate myself from people, and my reality. I would start drinking when I got home, and every night, drink myself to blackout by 10:00...  I truly lost myself in the bottle!

While in my drunken stoopers, I had pushed people away from me, I had been ugly and nasty to people to push them from me and I had lost myself in the haze of numbness through alcohol. I didn't like myself, why would I want others to like me? Now, being sober for over a year, I can reflect back with much more clarity of what I had been doing.

I am certain, my thoughts will never be clear of the darkness I have seen, experienced, and been a part of. I am certain I will have the dead I have worked still visit my dreams, I am certain the gory and horrific scenes will still vividly be a part of my life, the abused and neglected children, the murdered people, the abused and victimized...They are ALL a part of who I am, and part of why I move through the world like I do... And honestly, I would never want to be rid of those memories.

I am sure I have not lost my last Brother to this, I am sure there are MANY of my Brothers suffering terribly with this type of darkness, and burden. I hope, with this blog, my Brethren and others will read it and realize they are not alone, there is an answer to these struggles. However, to find those will take some difficult decision to be vulnerable, to be open to possibilities, to EMBRACE those difficult things and be comfortable with those things being a part of who you are.

I am fully aware, in the space of heavy burden and darkness, no "Call me anytime Bro" or "I am here if you need me" or "Please, reach out" means anything... Those words mean NOTHING when suffering...All we want is for the suffering to END, but, there are other options.

For those of you struggling, or even those of you concerned, I encourage you to seek the help. I encourage you to look at EMDR therapy and let yourself experience the healing of it. I hope people see this and understand, ending it truly isn't the only option. I hope people see this and understand there IS light in this suffering.

And I hope my Brethren, and anyone else reading this who are suffering knows, as empty as it may feel, as alone as you might think you are, YOU ARE NOT!!

To ALL my people in Emergency fields, and to all those outside of my circle in these fields, I HONOR YOU!! I am grateful to have stood with you in dark times, and I am grateful to stand beside you in dark times. I had your 6 then, I will have your 6 always. You people are some of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I am HONORED to be a part of this life!

Blessings to you all. Take care of yourself out there, and "in there"...And remember the motto.... ALWAYS GET HOME!! Be safe folks... Never hesitate to reach out if you need... I am never too busy to hear from my people!

Peace! to you all!

***In Memory of my lost Brothers, Mike and Marty, you are not forgotten, and you are STILL loved!!***

We travel in circles.

As many of you know from my blogs, or from knowing me personally, I was a bit of a troubled youth as I was growing up. Because of certain people in my life, I was influenced in my direction. As many troubled kids, there are a few people from your youth who stand out, made an impact, created a connection that is unforgettable.

I have been blessed with several.

I cant tell you every counselor I spoke to, every teacher I had, every cop I encountered, every principals office I sat in... But there are a few who I can never forget.

In my early, to mid teens, my father introduced me to a cop in Colorado Springs. A HUGE black guy, he was Mr. Colorado, or Mr. Colorado Springs, I cant remember. As I remember him, he was this monster of a guy. He was one of the few cops I had ever really interacted with, and he took an interest in me. Now, I wont tell you it stopped me from doing anything. But I always remembered this guy never had a bad thing to say to me, he never made less of my dreams, he never told me I couldn't do it my way....He was just VERY CLEAR about explaining consequences, and he always lifted me up. He was probably the first person who ever connected with me in such  way that I understood my choices brought me results... I never forgot that, modeled how I interacted with my kids as well as my foster kids. Have made huge impacts with youth by that lesson

I cant actually remember a direct interaction or conversation we had, but I remember his presence in my life, I always have.

His name was Fletcher Howard, and he was a Colorado Springs Police Officer, probably a rookie at that time, and has always just been someone I have remembered fondly.

I remember when I graduated from Grad School, I reached out to Fletcher and sent him pics, and a letter thanking him, and explaining the path I took from the time he was in my life. I told him how it was people like him that led me to work with troubled youth. I wanted him to know my gratitude.

I don't think we ever connected after that, but I knew it got to him, and as long as he got it, I didn't care, I jut wanted him to know.

After a career in Law Enforcement, College, Grad School, Program Director, Administrator, DOR Supervisor, Abuse and Neglect Case Manager, and all my journeys, I am in Denver, at a Drury Inn, in the FEMA Emergency Manager Academy with a group of people who will be the next ERA of disaster preparedness in this state. I am in the lobby with my classmates and hear one of them talking to a lady about her husband. She too is one of my classmates. The are talking and he is praising her husband, and his service to Colorado Springs. They go on, and I hear them say 39 years with the Colorado Springs Police Department. I jokingly look over and said

"39 years?? Your husband might have arrested me back in the day"

And the conversation went on.

Then I heard them say her husband was the first black detective for CSPD, and I leaned in....

"Is your husband Fletcher Howard?"

And she said

"Yes, did he arrest you?"

And I laughed and told her the story....

He is coming to the Hotel this weekend, and I probably have not seen him since I was 16 years old.... I just cant tell you how blown my mind is. I had to get this written down. I am actually going to come face to face with one of the people from my youth that impacted me throughout my life, and has never been forgotten. I am now peers with his wife professionally.... I am just floored...

I will update as this unfolds, but man, it sure is a small world....

And isn't it crazy the circle we exist in????

Tattoos, entitlement, and our new generation....

My first tattoo was when I was 18. I was with my long time friend, Brett, and we decided to go down to south Nevada and get tattoos. In those days, it was still "taboo" and only the "bad kids" had tattoos... I was so naïve and stupid. I put Opus, from Bloom County Cartoon on my chest. I wore that tattoo up to the age of about 37 when I covered it up with my start of my extensive tattoo process.

I have been getting tattooed since 1984-ish and have always loved the art, the studios, modified people, tattoo people, and this culture. It is FULL of narcissistic asswads who think they are something "special" but there are so many interesting, and colorful people that are a part of this family.

Now, there is much debate and arguing about those who are heavily tattooed. Non tattooed people cant fathom the idea and label us as attention seekers and people with self esteem issues looking for acceptance or attention. I will admit, I believe there is some truth to this (I love showing off my sleeves).

In my experience, MOST of those I know that are heavily tattooed are pretty opinionated, loud and boisterous. There are some modest folks in this family too, quiet, reserved, etc.... I don't feel that diversity is limited in the tattoo culture, it too spreads across all spectrums.

For me, personally, as most of you know, I am pretty loud, opinionated and an attention suck, so I fit in that model of inked folks. But I also really value the art, and the ability to express myself however I feel I need to in my tattoos. I also have a taste for "non offensive" tattoos and prefer colorful, vibrant stuff with a story. I am happy my tattoos are appealing and tasteful....Some surely aren't!

The other side of that, is I realize that many don't care for tattoos, many organizations, professionally, have policies against showing tattoos or body modifications, and I have always respected those rules and boundaries. I still love the saying...

"What's the difference between tattooed people and non tattooed people?

Us tattooed people don't care that you aren't tattooed"

I find this to be true in my experience and perspective of the art.

In the last year or so, I have started to get both my arms completely sleeved. I am able to wear long sleeves for work, and never questioned this would be how I carried myself professionally. I do not get offended that others don't appreciate my love for tattoos, and ultimately, I am not at work to capitalize on my personal creativity or expression, I am there to do a job...THATS IT!

Yesterday, I had a debate/dialog/conversation with a few 30-something tattooed and modified people. Their argument was that

It is unprofessional for an organization to have policies to cover tattoos, take out face piercings, and cover body modifications. 

This conversation went back and forth. From my perspective as a past administrator, and manager of people, as well as being a heavily tattooed person. MY stand, was that companies, organizations, and employers set rules, have standards they incorporate that built the business to the point where you get to have a job, and it is unreasonable to expect they change those standards, rules and policies to meet their individual, and personal expression. I also stated that it was NOT unprofessional... What is unprofessional is a person thinking they are entitled to ANYTHING from and employer. You are there to do a J-O-B, and anything outside of that, is not allowed. How is that a radical, and unreasonable concept?

Man, I was slammed by these people!!!

The argument continued about modified people being "capable" and "good workers", etc.... I explained that it wasn't about their ability to do the job, its about meeting the standards of the organization that signs your check (so you can go get modifications....idiots)

I was slammed again!!

Then it went to

"How can we make a stand for our cause if we aren't standing for it everywhere?"

I stated

"You are there to do a JOB, not fight or support a cause"

Holy shit, then it got really bad!

The person I was chatting with directly was a moderator of the page and made her final statement and then closed the thread to any further comments....

Wait, wait a minute, wait just a damn minute!!! Did you just prove my point??

So, I contacted the moderator directly and explained I wasn't trying to fight, just making a point, and then used her actions to support what I was saying...

"Well, its your page, your rules, and much like I said in the thread, if I want to stay in your group, I will follow the rules, because unlike you and the others in that thread, I have no expectation for you to bend your rules to suit me"

BAM you stupid, entitled idiot!!

In the last couple of months, I have witnessed things first hand that I thought were only rumors...

Our youth going into the workforce with a mindset that they are "owed" something.... A generation of parents who allow children to make rules... A complete loss of work ethic to be replaced with demands from employees....Man, this is NOT the world I grew up in, and man, I am glad its not the generation I am growing up in.

Let me state, I love being an American, I love the USA, our freedoms, our ability to pursue what we want, but this "First World Country" mentality and ease has really created some ridiculous shit.

I mean really....Do you think in 3rd world Countries they are concerned with which bathroom to use, what gender they are, their rights to be that gender, attacks and ridicule for opinions and choices? Do you think they are wasting countless peoples pay and resources to pursue some 50-60 year old person for acts they did as a teenager or college kid? Do you think they model and worship actors and celebrities who are nothing but facades and are putting on an act? Do you think they care that your cardboard should go in one trash bin and plastic in another, and food in another??

It seems, human beings, as they attain more liberties and freedoms, they expect those to be accepted overall, with no standards and move the through the world without regard for rules (and trust me, I have broken my share of rules).

I hate to say this, because I am sure it will make my blog hit some secret service flag system, but people here need a taste of what the REAL WORLD actually is. We need a "reset" button to push so we can get back on track.... And in todays age, the only way that is going to happen, is some kind of really devastating thing take place here... Something that reminds people of what is really going on in the world, and where our priorities serve us, not limit us.

I am a dark humored, inappropriate, clown.... I push buttons, I walk edges and I make dark jokes....But I always do it to lighten a mood, or set precedent in how to deal with me....But now, I am scared to really BE who I am because so many people get so easily offended anymore. And now, when you offend someone, they can actually pursue you administratively, or legally....AND WIN!!

I have heard it all my life, by every generation before me...

"What has happened to our society? What is wrong with the youth of today?"

And here I am now, in that passing era, saying the very same damn things... We advance?? We get better?? We grow??

No, the hypocrisy of it all is in this pursuit of acceptance, it is limiting people and who they truly are. And I don't know about you, but I much prefer dealing with a "REAL" person than some fake ass poser putting on a face and doing bullshit happy dances claiming the world is all dandelions and unicorns...

We all pray for a world where kids will not have to experience terrible acts, extreme violence, war, atrocities, etc.... But I think, without those realizations, we have now created a space where this generation can CREATE drama to focus on. We have guarded our youth soooo much, that they feel they are entitled to protection form everything.

I am sure, because of how the world operates, these youth will get to experience their share of struggle and hardships. Life aint no bowl of cherries, and its a cruel and harsh world we live in, at the very core of life's creation, it is conflict, battles and adversity...SO, life WILL catch up to these entitled little shits...

In a world of people being offended, I am offended that they are offended... Us being guarded from all the harshness of the world does not prepare us for when the harshness comes in full force with a vengeance... There are no "safe spaces" in this world, there is no stopping violence, there is no way that in humans current state that "World Peace" will be possible and the growth of this entitled mentality is going to get a big SLAP one day... I hope I am here to see it... Without getting sued for being offensive... lol!!

But, I have said it before....

"Either the whole world is crazy, or I am"

And I am still not sure which is the truth...

The eternal argument....Is there, or isnt there?

I have experienced a lot in this life. I have seen the harshness of the world, the kindness of the world, the ugliness, as well as the beauty. But this idea of "religion" has always been something that just never made sense to me.

I am sure this will spark a huge debate, arguments and feelings getting hurt, because it seems, people find the most offense when others don't have the same opinion or beliefs they do. I am not sure where it happened, but this Country and everyone being offended at everything is just another thing that allows me to see that I am glad our time on this planet is limited.

Now, I have been in the Baptist church, Methodist church, converted to Catholicism in my teens, spend some time in the radical Pentecostal religions (tongues, hand on healings, going out in the ghost, demons possessed people with disabilities... Yeah, that was a journey) then later in life, went to a private, liberal arts, Presbyterian University.

Through ALL of these journeys through different religions, things still, just never made sense.

So, there is a God, the creator of ALL things, controls EVERYTHING, is all Love, "the way and the light" but we must worship him?

Now, why would an all knowing, all loving, all controlling God NEED people to worship him? That tells me the God that western religion believes in is full of EGO.

Prayer.... Ok, I guess there is no issue in my heart or head for being thankful and showing gratitude for the life we have. But praying to end suffering, poverty, pain, etc.... Praying to "get something" (Please lord, let this loan go through so we can get this house....etc...) As long as I have been alive, I have seen people individually, and in HUGE numbers pray for the ends of these sufferings....And guess what, they are ALL still alive and well, some thriving.

We recently lost our oldest child, and although I embrace and am grateful for the sentiment, people say all the time "You are in my prayers for God to bring you peace" Or "I will pray that the mercy of Christ covers you and yours in these times"... I bet I have heard statements like this over 300 times over the last year... Yeah, not one prayer has been answered. My wife is in depths of despair that never could be imagined, my kids suffer the loss terribly, and I, well hell, I don't even know how to define myself around all of it.

So, does this God just choose NOT to hear all those prayers? And don't give me that shit of "Only God knows his timeline, it will be done in his time"

Yeah?? Fuck his time, we are suffering!

I find it funny that people argue "facts" and get in heated discussions to provide "sources" or "links" to support arguments; even shame and belittle those who cant....But God?? No evidence needed, this one little book says it, those guys on TV say it, so it must be true?

People who would make NO DECISION on anything in their life without evidence, follow this human created God without question? It really makes no sense to me.

Now let me be clear....I really have no judgment or ridicule of those who believe in God, go to church, pray every day....Hey man, whatever you need to get through this fucked up thing we call life, USE IT!! The "process" however in regard's to religion, is exhausting!

I have also found, some of the most critical people in this world, the most judging people, the most offended people, the people who have opinions and condemn others, are religious people. Church going, bible thumping people are the WORST about judging others, or expecting others to live a life they think is the "right way" And get offended because we don't bow to their beliefs.

So, in their sermons and speeches where they are driven to be more "Christ like" its only words....Because the judgement (that they claim is only for God) rolls over to affect families and friends. RIDICULOUS. God accepts me for me, right?? But you cant because of your jaded beliefs in how life should work?? Well, mostly on outside appearances, because behind closed doors or in stressful situations, people are people and even the church going, bible thumpers do atrocious things and lose integrity.

Every day, I listen to the news on NPR when driving in the mornings. I bet there isn't a week that goes by that some priest, or some deacon, or some minister has molested a child. These are the PILLARS of faiths and this is what they do? Where is God in all of that? I mean really, in basic terms, this is his leadership staff, and he takes no action to hold them accountable? And again, don't tell me the whole "Judgement day will come for him"

Really?? You think that helps the life of struggle those children live after that terrible incident? DO you think that brings peace to the parents that trusted these people with their children? Is THIS "Gods work?"

Human beings are NOT Devine. We, like every other living organism on this earth, are merely a piece of a puzzle, a process that allows life to happen on this planet. The world was NOT created for us, we were created for the world.

Through my "faith" journey, I was directed to read a book Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh. I was 35 years old, and was resistant to any books mentioning "God" because of my past experiences with people and their desire and drive completely be faith driven...  I have too many questions to just "have faith"....No thanks...

When I started to read this book, I was immediately hooked. As I turned the pages, I would find such profound things, I would have to go back 3 pages and read it all again. This happened many times during this read, and I was still able to read the book in 2 days.

Now, do I believe that ole Neale had a written conversation with God himself?? I don't know... But I will say, the distinctions and principals in those books resonated with me far beyond any religious text, or speech, or sermon I ever heard.

In this book, one of the things that hit me the most was when God said that he is the ultimate observer. That he DID create EVERYTHING in 6 days, and he meant EVERY-THING. So, the way I took this was that everything we need in this life has already been created. Prayer, meditation, crystals, voodoo, none of that brings us anything...Its all already here. Now, it might bring a new level of awareness, but not any "thing" because all THINGS are already at our disposal.

Now, I don't want to limit my experience with this book, and life after reading it to these points, because the book offered me soooo much more than just those things, and ultimately, because of that period of my life, trainings, books and coaching, I redirected my life and have created everything I have set my goals around.

Of course, to you Bible thumpers that might be reading this, I understand you feel this is blasphemous… But there is a statement from my tattoo culture that I love...

"You know what the difference is between a tattooed person and a non tattooed person???

We don't care that you aren't tattooed."

I use that in regards to my feeling about "religious" people...

"Whats the difference between a religious person and a non religious person?

I don't care that you are religious"

But I DO care when you try to shove your beliefs down my throat, or make judgments about me because I live my life my way, or offend because I don't feel like you do about God.

I have said many times to "Christian" folks....

I have an amazing relationship with the God I understand, and I don't need anyone telling me how to make my relationship with him work effectively….As a matter of fact, based on my life, I do that pretty effectively. I also believe in a God that is far too big to be contained in just one book, or one belief system. If you believe that God created us all, then you must believe that our differences were also created by God to add color to this world. I find it amusing that human beings have a desire to be like every other human being....Me, I embrace my differences, my colorfulness, and my morals and values....And I didn't get those values from the Bible or a Church...

I help when I can, I support how I can, I love when I can, and I am a good person....without religion... Because to me, its the "right" thing to do.

There are many that will say this blog alone will get me to Hell... Then they will say that my tattoos will get me to hell, the way I live my life, the choices I make... I am HELL BOUND!!

Let me say this, if God would send a person like me to Hell, but allow some multi baby rapist piece of shit entrance simply because he confessed before his death, THAT is not a Heaven I want to be a part of.

I later was turned on to a movie called What the Bleep do we Know which did a lot of documentation on Quantum Physics and energy. And recently, watched a show called One Strange Rock that had scientists on it that had been to space....Some for over 2 years!

These shows, and shows like them, really keep me confused and living in the "question" (which is what I would think God would want us to do....I mean really, don't we teach our children to question what they don't understand??)

I have to admit, I have had experiences that would MAYBE tell me there is a God, but they definitely tell me there is something going on outside of my ability to understand. Alternate universes, time, space, good and bad, right and wrong... All of these things are specific to periods of our existance, and many times, even throughout history, we have made a "bad" thing a "right" thing....ie… Its bad to kill people, but its good to burn witches. Now of course, I elaborate, but the point is still made....All of those things are subjective.

I feel all warm and fuzzy when people say "I will pray for you" or "May God bring you peace" but not because of the act of those things, but the sentiment to show they care, and this is how they show that. For that, I am respectful, and embrace those things.

I believe that "prayer" works, but I think it does because of energy, not divinity. Like energy attracts like energy, so good thoughts in prayer CAN create good because of the energy around it. And I am not talking about hippy crystals or oras, or the like... Its physics. So keep praying and keep pursuing Grace, but I do not believe it is God intervening.

To think that God answers some prayers, and doesn't answer others, is again, such a blast against what Christians say God IS. Is he sitting up there with a scorecard and determining by your actions weather you are deserving of such relief? Again, that tells me the Christian based God is power hungry and full of EGO....The God I understand has no need for such human traits.

I want to believe there is a God, I want to believe there is life after this one, I want to believe I will see my loved ones again, my old pets, people that went before me....But I am starting to wonder if that is a truth?

Over this last year and a half, I have suffered loss that is unimaginable. I was on a team managing the death of a 4 month old, we lost our oldest daughter to, of all things, a horse riding accident. I mean shit, she was living in crack hotels and was addicted to meth, and its a spring day horse ride that takes her from us? I lost an 18 year old kid that I was working with for over a year, on the VERY FIRST day he was getting out on his own. His own apartment, car, job....Life was really turning UP for this kid, and on the DAY he was taken out of Foster Care, he was killed in a flash flood... God did that? it was "Gods will?" fucking PLEEEZE... Again, if this is who God is, I am not so excited about encountering him.

In this last year or so, I have come to question EVERYTHING...God, relationships, family, friends, loss, suffering, joy, beauty, excitement.... Its all a hodgepodge of SHIT dancing in my head. My core values are still intact, and I have no desire to change those; they work in my life pretty well. But the whole "spiritual" or "God" conversation is once again, shifting in my conception and understanding...And, I am OK with that. Ultimately, what does it matter...In the end, either it will all be revealed, or, its just the end... Either way, its completely out of my control.

I wonder now, its been proven that our brains are what stores memory, and determines what the world is to us individually...If its the brain that serves that function, where in the spirit does that reside? If I don't have a brain, how will I ever recognize my old loved one, my pets, or my friends in the "afterlife?"

I heard this statement once, and I still hold onto the distinction...

"Life is not a process of discovery, life is a process of creation"

I struggle with that as an overall statement, but in regards to creating ones life in the manner they want, I find huge truth in it. There is very little that is "discovered" in the creation of the life we build, it is CREATING a life we want that is important.

I do not believe that things just come to us, we have to set goals and make the efforts to create them as we want. If we waited on life to happen for us.....Well, I have worked professionally with many people who really think they are entitled, and that life SHOULD just unfold for them....Based on results, I don't believe it works that way.

Based on my results, the life I live now was not something given to me, it was work, sacrifice, struggle and effort that got me to this point....Had I just let life happen, I would probably be looking through walls and bars at the world.

I often post pictures of where we live, the amazing-ness of all of it, and so many people say

 "Man, you are lucky"

Brother, let me tell you, aint no luck about it. Donna and I created this vision in a conversation, we wrote it down and agreed to pursuing the goal, and gave up all we knew of our life in Texas to create this....No luck; drive an ambition, determination and a hustle. I will say we are "blessed" to live here, because yes, magnificence surrounds us at every turn. But we worked for every inch of land and every beautiful thing surrounding us.

I find it funny how people choose ways to be a victim. Their circumstances create their life. They aren't creating anything, they aren't "pro active" in their life, they are reactive. Shit happens, they respond, then it becomes the shits fault that their life isn't what they want. Another term I learned and live my life by from that period of my 30's...

"You do NOT have to be a victim to your circumstances"

And I truly believe that!

So, with all of this, know, I don't care if you pray, I don't care if you go to church, I don't care if you carry a Bible everywhere you go and can quote every line of it word for word, I don't care that you find value, joy, peace and comfort in your faith, your God, or your whatever book that goes along with that faith....

I would ask, you offer me the same.

Its not your job to save me, or anyone else...In reality, you CANT... That is an individual process. What I like to do, is simply be supportive, respectful, and appreciative of the person, without expectation of anything from them. I struggle to understand why so many are unable to do the same.

There comes a point in our lives, in our adulthood, that we live the life we do because this is the life we want. You opinion about that, only creates distance between people. The old adage "live and let live" is so very true....Do what works for you, quit thinking it will work for me....At this stage in my life, I am pretty damn content with where I am and who I am...I am loud, abrasive, dark humored, innapropriate, blunt, fould mouthed, adrenaline junkie, live on the edge (all the time) and have been defined as an "asshole" many, many many times.

But I also have a deep caring of people (regardless of my feelings for them overall), I have taken on my professional life to serve others, and have done so for 25 years. I lift people up, I am honest, I feell I have great integrity, I am driven, passionate, love art, music, books and great conversation, I prefer peace over war (but am happy to go to war if need be....I have no distaste for violence), I love with all I have, I am loyal and committed, I feed strangers, I embrace freaks and others that many people walk on the other side of the street to avoid.... I truly believe I am a "good" person.... And I in no way expect that to align with you.

But I do ask, if you cannot accept it, then walk away from me, unfriend me, delete my number, erase my email, create great distance between us.... Because if I choose to change who I am or how I move through this world, it will NEVER be because of YOU, no matter who you are.

Dichotomies are a strange thing....I could give two shits about your opinion of me, but it wounds me to think I have done something to make you think less of me. People disgust me, but people also inspire and amaze me. I hate to see people suffer, but I love crisis and disaster....

I, like everyone else, am fucked up and beautiful.... But I will accept you for who you are, or respect you by walking away if I cant align with that.

I guess my point with this is, love or hate a person, but respect them for who they are and how they choose to make their way through this life. If they aren't hurting others, manipulating people or trying to control you and others, love them for who they are, accept them at who they are....That doesn't mean you have to have them over for Christmas dinner....Ultimately, respecting others and their path is so much more valuable than Christmas Dinner anyway.

So choose, love a person for who they are, even in their most fucked up places, or respect them enough to walk away from them....But quit being offended, quit bashing, quit judging, quit hating (even though I do have a few on my hate list still)… It serves absolutely NO positive impact in this world, or our relationships in it. It creates distance, separation, and unbelievable violence....And it really, really, doesn't have to be like that.

And I end this by wishing blessings on you all....Even the haters....Bless their little hearts....

Final respects, and the end of a ERA, Sheriff Joe Max Taylor

I want to make sure I start this with this statement.

I am not judging anyone, this is my opinion, and simply speak for myself and my feelings around it. Its very clear that I see the world, and move through it, much differently than most... That has both been a blessing, and a burden in my life. I would not have it any other way!

I just got back from Galveston and attending Joe Max Taylors funeral. My intention for this trip was of course, to see friends and family, but ultimately, I was there and made the arrangements to pay my respects to a man that was, in large part, responsible for where I am in my life today. And many of those that know, and follow me, know it has been quite an adventure.

The era of Law Enforcement that I came up in, at the time, seemed like a real struggle on the side of "making a living" but man, the experience sure did create a LIFE that I could have never imagined.

I have seen amazing, spectacular things. Acts of kindness, devotion to loved ones, efforts to save others. I have experiences cultures and events that MOST of the people in this world will never see.

I have also, seen, tasted, smelled and experienced ugliness and destruction that again, MOST of the people in our world (1st world) will never see, nor even believe as a truth.

I have hugged and loved many, and I have fought for my life and the lives of others. I have been blessed with the kindness of others, and I have seen the true selfishness of this world.

I have gone 140mph chasing badguys with the rush of adrenaline and excitement that is unexplainable, and I have held the hands of people and been the last face they saw in this life.

I have cried tears of sadness that took me to my knees, and I have cried tears of joy that created the same effect.

I have lifted people up, and Brother, I have beaten some fools down.

I have experienced a Brotherhood that also cannot be explained in words, and experienced betrayal on levels that still, even to this day, still make me shake my head in amazement and wonder.

I have seen children come from circumstances that are unfathomable and overcome to attain greatness, and I have watched children suffer unimaginable terribleness.

I have experienced the suffering of divorce, and the amazement of true, everlasting love.

I have had guns to peoples heads, and ready to end a life, and I have been overcome with amazement of the magic of a first breath. 

I have been on adventures of excitement and blood pumping energy as I kicked in a door, and I have felt the weight and sadness of kicking one to find devastation. 

I have experienced those who see me as a hero with a cape, and those who see me as an enemy with crosshairs.
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I have birthed brotherhoods that can never die, and placed my hands on a Brothers coffin to say goodbye. 

I have heard church bells ring in celebration, and Firefighter Bells rung in remembrance.

I have felt the horns of ferry boats with the smells of sea air, and I have heard the horns of bagpipes and smelled fresh dug soil. 

I learned how to defend myself to any threat, and how to surrender myself to the struggles of life. 

I know what good whisky smells like, and jailhouse, toiletbowl wine as well. 

I have eaten amazing food in amazing places, and also eaten about everything else in this world, unknowingly at other places (to include the Galveston County Jail).

All of these things I have experienced in my life are so much different than so many others, BECAUSE of Joe Max Taylor. I could not imagine not paying my respects to that man.

Now, Joe Max didn't walk me through any of those things, not a single one....But because of him, his leadership, and "Old School" police work, I experienced it with his representation, his leadership, and his directives. 

I look back and try to imagine, had I not worked for Joe Max, I would have never met Donna....And that is something I cant begin to even try and imagine. If not for Joe Max Taylor, the life as I know it now, the adventures I have had up to this point after 1992, would not be the same, and I am so blessed for what I have. How could I NOT have some Loyalty and Honor to pay to Joe Max Taylor?

When I got to Galveston, it was much like other GCSO reunions. Lots of old faces, old stories, memories, and connection. There was a time, due to betrayal, I did not enjoy, nor did I want those connections. As I age, looking back on my life, I realize those connections are a large part of who I am...And I honor those....Even the shitty ones. 

Our lives are a continuing growing process, we move, we struggle, we succeed, and we fail....Back and forth, "For the days of our lives" (Roll shitty soap opera music). But, there are moments, periods, and timeframes. Its almost like we live several lives in this lifetime, or it has been that for me... But, there are pivotal people that are instrumental in all of that. Joe Max Taylor, and the Galveston County Sheriffs Office are a HUGE part of this for me. 

The service was held at the Convention Center in Galveston. It was a large room, probably could seat 1000 people. The front was lined with elaborate displays of flowers, a crowd gathered, and our Leader, laying at rest, for those of us to pay respects to he, and his family, as well as the new Sheriff, Henry Trochessette. 

 Me, Sheriff Henry Trochessette, Captain Jack Allen, Chris Edgar 

I was really amazed to see the crowd so small. I figured this would be an "elbow to elbow" event, of proportions I had not seen before....At this point, I was NOT seeing this.

I stayed for the entire visitation, and it swells my heart even as I type this, some of the people I was able to see that I have not in 20 years. Freddy Poor (he was the last Sheriffs Office person I saw when I resigned, and I gave him my badge....I still see that day clearly in my head), Richard Gonzales who was Henrys Boss in my day...Wild, loud, shiny and colorful....Just a great guy. Lonnie Cox, a now District Judge who I worked MANY cases with when he was a new D.A.. Tommy Hansen, the Drag Car Man!! Ron Carter, one of the baddest mother fuckers I have ever met. Big, black, beautiful, mean, and what was scary, was even when he was choking someone out, or slamming their head into the pavement, he was laughing....Hearing that laugh as we hugged again was almost overwhelming.

I was able to meet Joe Max Brother. Henry turned me around and introduced me as we were talking. I shook his hand and said.

"Joe Max gave me my start in this field. I am now the Deputy Director of Emergency Management in Park County Colorado, and that would not have been possible without Joe Max. I owe him a huge debt of respect and honor. The life I live, professionally, and in large part, personally, are because of him"

As he shook my hand, his eyes filled with tears and he said.

"Oh my goodness, you came all the way from Colorado?"

And man, those tears in his eyes were about to just make me start sobbing. So I swallowed the frog in my throat, stepped back a bit, spread my arms out to include Henry, Jack Allen, Chris Edgar, and Izreal Garza (all still friends) and said.

"We ARE because of Joe Max. What we have now, and have had over the last 25 years, is all because of Joe Max"

Then I walked up, shook his hand, and said,

"I am HONORED to be here"

There was a camera man darting around, and he broke up all of this to get a picture. I really hope I get to see that picture someday. There is a LOT of emotion going on in that capture.

After paying respects, I went back and made some more connections and said hellos.

Rachel Lease walked up to me, and I was overwhelmed with emotion to see her all grown up like that. Off in the distance were Ray and Melanie Lease. Ray, to me, is a legend. He was my commander for 8 years, and I thoroughly believed in Ray Lease in my days serving under him. I would STILL lay down for that bastard. He taught me so much about patience, calm in adversity, rolling shit you cant control of your back, WINNING on the streets...He is/was a HUGE mentor for me. I know many don't have the same respect for Ray-Bud, but my experience was, and will always be, very special with him.

Melanie and I have always had a special relationship because she knew who I was, how I operated, the dangers I chased, and she STILL trusted me with her son, and his life. After Shane, we did much to carry each other through that suffering. Every time I see Melanie Lease, there is a glow around her. She is an angel to me. I DO love this family!!

I was amazed to see that the crowd rarely got bigger than just a couple hundred people, and most of those were hanging out throughout the service. I was AMAZED I was not seeing more people come pay these respects. I personally know of MANY people who are living the life they do today because of Joe Max Taylor, and there were more NOT there, than there were there. I couldn't understand.

I left that night, and went the next day to see the Sheriff  Lie in State at the Law Enforcement Center in Galveston. Man, Henry did such a great job. All of the units were Joe Max Taylor colored again, and the honor guard was in long sleeve, old school, Joe Max Taylor khaki's (My uniform). I just had to compliment Henry on how special that was to me and how great it looked. Man, it was so very cool.

In this confined space, there was a decent crowd, lots of Old School folks present....Politicians, judges, old island names....A good representation of people and names that are truly significant to Galveston Island.

Captain Ron Carter (This is one bad MO-FO right here!!) and Me. The only man that I ever heard say, "One of these days, I am going to arrest a nun", and I was there when he did!! lol!!

 Captain Ron Carter, Chris Edgar, Me

Cory Dotson, Alvin PD, we worked the jail, 2-10pm shift together for 2 years. 

 Reggie Jackson, GCSO, Warrants Division, we worked the jail, 2-10pm, for 2 years together. Been 20 years for us....Man, I can hear his laugh now...  

 Jose Lozano, GCSO, Warrants, we worked the jail, 2-10pm, for 2 years and a little warrant service stuff together.

Me, and Kenny "frickin" Parker. Harris County Pct 8 Constable, working Honor Gard Duty for Joe Max. When I FIRST started to ride on the streets, I rode with this guy right here. Carzy little sumbitch! We had some good times while I was getting my feet wet. 

There was a large Sheriffs Department presence, and a large presence of other agencies and officers that started under Joe Max. But still, so MANY that were NOT there. 

I watched Henry pin a GCSO Badge on the Sheriff, and then witnessed them close and seal the casket. That I was able to capture these moments is pretty amazing. I was FULL of PRIDE

.They roll Ole Joe Max out to the car, completely silent, 150 men and women in uniform, standing at attention, with family and SO leaders following. He was carried by some great representation of the Sheriffs Office, HIS people. 

Back to the Convention center for the funeral.

Now the disappointment settled in....

I am BY FAR a religious man. I have a belief in God, but it is mine, and I need no one to tell me how that experience is "suppose" to be, so I generally stay away from church and religion.

This was going to be a Catholic Mass, and I will say, I don't feel a need to ever attend another Mass, so I walked out as the service started and had a cigarette. I walked back in, and I was just stunned!

There was hardly anyone here!! There had to have been close to 50% of the seats empty!? How was this possible??

I sat down next to Chris Edgar and just took this in for a few. I listened to the speakers that eulogized Joe Max, and they did a GREAT job. I still don't know who the first guy that spoke was, but man, he defined Joe Max and his life as a Peace Officer and then to become Sheriff, and it just HIT me....He was on target, his words just resonated with me....I might have even said an AMEN or two!! GREAT job!

I am thinking the second was his Son in Law, and this was much more personal and family oriented, but it just showed that in his personal, as well as professional life, he did things HIS WAY, screw the haters, screw opinions, he lived his life, and served his community HIS way, and it was a GREAT way to pursue ones life....It IS a great way to pursue ones life!

When the speakers were done, I went back to the crowd, and found myself to be emotional at the disappointing turn out. I got up, and went back out to smoke again, wait for the service to end.


After the service, I said my goodbyes to everyone, wished well on them all, and made my way back to Kemah to get ready to fly the next day. 

I was with Chris Edgar, and we were both, just so amazed at how many people did not attend this service, or funeral. There are chiefs and leaders in cities and communities that are doing so because Joe Max gave them a start. There are people who have avoided prison and retired with great careers because of Joe Max Taylor.... It just amazes me....I just don't get it.

Mid service of Joe Max funeral. 

 Me and Chris Edgar having dinner at TopWater Grill, in of all places, San Leon Texas. Chris and I worked the jail together, and a little street stuff. He was a BEAST in the jail, and if you ever needed help, this guy was always SUPERMAN!! Love this cat!!

 Me and Chris Edgar. 




Now, I know, there are people with health, or family issues, or whatever, again, I am not judging, but I am stunned at how few people, many not far, did not attend.

Its funny, every generation looks at the ones behind them and says "The world is going to hell" or "These kids have no idea", etc.... But to see MY era, and those I was led by before me, not make a presence at this event; it made me very sad.

Brotherhood, Loyalty, Honor, Respect.... I have been watching those traits die with these generations coming up behind me, but to see it in my era?? Man....

But overall, what it did do is make me very happy I went, even more honored for being there. It was GREAT to see some of the old guys, and it really always is for me. I really had some special bonds and friendships with so many in those times. I was TRULY Honored to be there!

I spent the day with Jack Allen, and we went through old stomping grounds, and told stories....Man, so many stories that could NOT take place in todays era of Law Enforcement. We reminisced of good and bad times, experiences and hardships, successes, adrenaline rushed, how we NEVER quit jacking with each other and poking at each other....Man, I don't know that I have had such a great day in a VERY long time. That time with Jack on Monday will forever be a great memory...Thank you Brother!

 Captain Jack Allen, Lee County Sheriffs Office. We were partners ont he streets for about 2 years (I think) and Jack and I have stood off, and IN WARS together.

 This guy right here? I would still lay down for, and he would for me, and any of mine too. Most SOLID Mutha Fukkah I know!! NUTHIN but love!!


So, as Chris and I parted ways, we hugged, and I looked at him and said "Well, if honor has to die with us, I guess we will carry it Proudly"

I will say, one thing I did get from this experience is, live your live on YOUR terms. Do it the way you want to. Live large, play hard, enjoy every minute, because ultimately, when that last breath comes, that is all that matters!!