6 Years Sober

 

I have been a drinker since I was 14, often, a heavy drinker, a "high functioning" drunk... Law Enforcement, Undergrad, Grad school, lecturing at conferences, career advancements, mostly drunk, the whole time...

However, in 2012-ish, I was on a real downward spiral. Professionally, life wasnt working out like I wanted, I had some real "setbacks" that sent my drinking to levels I couldn't imagine as time moved forward (and in reflection, still hard to grasp) , It seemed every time I turned around, someone else was stabbing me in the back, using my loyalty and care as a ladder to get that knife deep in my back, and most of the areas of my life, were at the very least, dysfunctional. I was also becoming VERY self destructive. Dive bars, looking for fights, thoughts of self harm, making really stupid choices, trusting people WAY too much, even those who I never thought I would have to question my trust with... It seemed I was the landing spot for every nasty, cruel and hurtful thing people could do, and I truly started to question my ability to make, have and even trust friends, or people close to me. I was becoming more angry, more hurt, and more self destructive every day.

Several more brutal betrayals, and an "uncaring" mentality from those who I thought loved and cared for me, along with PTSD issues from a life of dealing with tragedy, crisis, violence, and suffering, I turned from beer, to the bottle... For 6-8 solid years, to manage my "suffering", I went on a long trek to find the bottom of that bottle. I was slowly losing myself, painfully losing myself, and hurting people around me over and over in an attempt to deal with my anger and pain.

6 years ago yesterday, I suffered yet another betrayal and attack on my professionalism, that same day, the loss (death) of my 6th kid professionally, as well as struggling with the loss of Janeen and my families suffering. I "went over the edge" and knew, I was really teetering in a darkness I hope no one ever has to experience... I had a profound realization that people, for the most part, really don't care about the suffering of others, and if they do, its only to the point of their convenience, and I was going to have to figure out a way to get through this, or I was not going to be able to continue in this life. I decided that night, my drinking was over... Although it was doing its part to "numb" me, it was also creating more issues for me to numb, pushing people I cared for away from me, and just making me wish every day was my last day... I hated my life, I hated my pain, I hated my suffering, and I hated that NO ONE could even begin to understand the depths of my suffering... Nor, did anyone really care to understand... I felt VERY alone! In reflection, I realized, I had really made some stupid decisions that hurt people I really cared about...Things I didn't think would ever be repairable (and some aren't)... I felt very lost, and I felt very alone, confused, scared, unsure...

6 years ago today was the first day of my sobriety... But, one thinks that putting down the bottle is the "fix all" to a life of drinking....ITS NOT!!

For the next 2 years, SOBER, I think I experienced the darkest period of my life. All of that SHIT I was covering up and numbing with booze was now things I had to learn to manage sober...As well as the shit and problems I created being drunk. SO much shame, SO much lack of self confidence, SO much struggle to realize that I was truly alone in trying to find a new path in my life that worked, AND trying to figure out how to manage all the SHIT I was drowning with booze staring me in the face now, with no numb or buffer for it. I had severe nightmares, I had anxiety that was debilitating and terrifying for me, I didn't sleep well, EVER, and I was really trying to find my way, to live my life differently, in a way where I didnt feel like I wanted to "opt out" every day. I went from the "social butterfly" to being terrified to be out socially again. I trusted NO ONE... I really had it made up in my head that EVERYONE would eventually hurt, or betray me, because I never imagined those who had, would, so I was afraid to get, or be close to ANYONE. I really had to LEARN at 52 years old, how to live life differently than I had since I was 14. At 52, learning new ways to BE is a real struggle. COVID hit, and for many, this was one of the most devastating years for them. For me, this was the year that I found real clarity, real "peace" started to find its way back into my life, and I realized, I had given so much of my life to other people, so much of my time, care and compassion, it was "people" who were my most difficult hurdle to manage. COVID created a space where I could not be around people, and people could not be around me, and I realized, seperating myself from people was how I was going to find peace and happiness in my life again, and I realized with real clarity, not everyone, but most people, well, they just suck... Suck the life right out of you! In 2020, life really started to improve. I was starting to get a clear picture of what I personally needed to be successful in my sobriety, and in creating a new life, and a new way of living my life.... DISTANCE!! But, I needed something to fill that HUGE space that "people" once occupied. I started doing "projects"... I built my porch, I took on several different hobby pursuits, I built "The Mutt", double sleeve tattoos (and more)... I filled that empty space with things that couldn't hurt me, betray me, or use me. My porch, my jeep, auctions, hustling auction buys and other deals I could find, etc... But I realized, that part of what makes me, me, is the love I do have... I needed a safe place to really express that and allow myself to be vulnerable to it....And then I found Opie. Opie, for me, was the platform for me to BE loving, and BE safe. I sure wish now I would have spent more of my energy towards dogs than people in my life... As the ridiculousness of COVID moved on, I could now see a clear direction of where I needed to go, and how I needed to live my life to avoid more suffering, and avoid a life going back to booze. In 2021, I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel again, I could tell that things were shifting, that my quality of life was improving, that my anxiety (although still a part of my life I dont like) was not nearly as troublesome. I found that avoiding people and creating a real "boundary" in my life around my interaction with people was lifting me from that really dark place. I had Donna, and I had Opie, and ultimately, thats all I really "need" in regards to connection and relationships.

2022 came, and I noticed that life was really starting to become "bright" again. I was sleeping better, my bad dreams were becoming less and less, the wounds from the betrayals were starting to close a little (not sure those ever fully heal) and a "simplicity" of life really started to have a positive impact on my life. I found extreme contentment in just being at home, with my dog and my wife. As a guy who his whole life was "GO GO GO" I was starting to really appreciate a quiet, reserved and simple life. I had/have no real desire for travel anymore, I live in a place people save their whole lives to travel to. I had/have no desire for social outings or gatherings anymore, and those of you that know me, know, this was where I was often at my "best." I did the best I could to make amends to those I had harmed in my drunken stooper days, and also realized, some might not accept those amends, but I cant focus on that...I did what I did, I tried to make it right, and if that isn't accepted, I just have to keep moving forward, and not dwell on those things, as there is NOTHING I can do to change my past. I really started to embrace a more simplistic, laid back, and anti-social life... It was truly working for me, I was really starting to find, and feel happiness again... I was, and am, creating a new life that is much more beneficial for me, and those close to me. Life is full of drama at every turn, its unavoidable, but I can tell you from experience, it is entirely possible to minimize that drama, direct it, and manage it without booze and without "people".

Today, with 6 years sober, I can honestly say, life is better, and life is easier than it EVER was drunk. It was a journey and a struggle to get to this point, and im sure it will continue this way, but at least now, I have a really clear understanding of my struggles, the causes of those struggles and how to minimize and limit those struggles and continue to create a better life, each day! I guess my point with this blog entry is, one; to document this period of time for reflection, but also, to those I know are struggling with their own demons with substances, there is a path to a better life, and from my experience, it all starts, and ends with YOU. No one is coming to save you, and actually, no one outside of you can be that savior...ITS UP TO YOU....And as hard as it may seem, you CAN create it away from those burdens of alcoholism or substance abuse. I am not here to preach to anyone, or try and make anyone "wrong" for how they manage their suffering, but I will say, if you are trying to manage it WITH substances, you are heading down a dark path, or if you have been doing it a while, be assured, the path only gets darker the deeper in that bottle you swim.

I cant tell you what will happen tomorrow, I cant tell you I wont ever pick the bottle up again. Even today, in some of my brightest and clearest times, I can FEEL, I am just one disaster away from slipping back into that darkness, and for me, I NEVER want to be there again. So, for today, I am sober, 6 years, the longest I have been without a drink since I was 14, and I KNOW the way to pursue my life for it to continue to improve, and my focus is there....Because if I do ever slip back into that place, I have no doubts, that is where I will spend my final days... And that time will be short.

There was a time I could not imagine my life WITHOUT alcohol, but today, I cannot, nor do I even want to consider, a life being drunk again. As much as I use to think booze made my life better, more tolerable, I look at it now and realize, there is NOTHING good about my life as a drunk, not for me, or anyone close to me. I'm no saint, im not perfect in any way, I still have flaws, struggles and hardships, but I also have a real clarity now, that I can manage all of those things MUCH better when I am sober, and a sober life brings me much less of those things for me to manage.

"If it is to be, its up to me"

Those of you reading this, struggling with your own substance issues, I won't tell you it's an easy path to a sober life, but what I can say, with all sincerity is, ITS WORTH THE STRUGGLE!! Don't let the bad days win!! Life is a process of creation, make the hard choices to create the life you want... Nothing woth having comes easy, and a sober life is, for me, TRULY worth having!

The true beauty of my Mothers passing.

As hard as it was to watch my mother pass away, I am so riddled with the blessings that came from the experience, I felt I needed to document those, and share them. Some might find the words below difficult, but I hope you see past those places, and can focus on the LIGHT that came from the experience. I only share MY experience of blessings, but there were MANY others that took place with my family. 

After the life support was removed, magic really started to unfold, but even prior to that, there were things to recognize that were true blessings.

After 2 years as an EMT, 10 years as a street cop, and another 15 years working with abused, abandoned, and neglected children, I took a step to try and move away from the tragedies of injured children, and took a position as a Social Worker in a Long Term Care Facility, working with families at end of life. I have seen so many deaths, many, many brutal and tragic deaths, and a few truly beautiful ones. What I was witnessing with my family, for me, was TRULY beautiful. 

Lets start on the day of the removal of life support, but let me give a little background of things that transpired prior to that event. 

My Daughter Brandi and I have had several tough years with each other. At one point, we were inseparable, tighter than a glove, bonded, connected, we had a truly beautiful connection . Then, as life does, things changed, events happened, and we started to become more distant. This took place over a 10 year time period. It got to a point where I really didn't even want to be around her and felt like she really didn't want to be around me. I figured it was just "life" and kids outgrow their parents and take on their own life. 

I have had 3 diagnosis of severe PTSD, therapies, suffering, nightmares, struggles. I wont go into the details of what my suffering entailed(s), but what I found was, people just seem to make life harder, and people who "don't like me" I just separated myself from completely. I can say, when I decided to give up the bottle(searching for numbness) and eliminate MOST people from my life, keep my interactions with them as "surface" interactions, I was able to start getting my life back. Brandi and I just weren't getting along and I decided she too would be someone I would distance myself from for my safety and well being. I have no desire for drama, or conflict in my life anymore. If people don't like me, I am no longer chasing them for their friendship... It just isn't worth my time anymore, and most times, only offered disappointment and heartache. My past life of being social and outgoing are now replaced by antisocial and a separation from conflict anytime it arises. The distance from people offers me a much greater feeling of "safety".

Me and Brandis "conflict" was much deeper than just "surface interactions" and that is another thing I feel no need to go into depth here on. Lets just say, we were dealing with each other more out of a "have to" than a "want to". 

Once mom got into a private room, we started taking shifts with Mom. Brandi stated she wanted to come up from Texas and be supportive of the family, and pull some shifts with mom. Brandi is a Physical Therapist, and I felt her experience and expertise would be something very beneficial for Mom, so I agreed to have her come and help out. I was moved by her willingness to jump onboard and help us manage these shifts and offer her professionalism to what we were facing. 

When Brandi got here, she took a day at my house in the mountains, and then came down to Colorado Springs to get in on the shifts, and offer support to the family.  

On Tuesday, 1-25-2022, Brandi took the night shift with Mom. We didn't tell mom she was coming, so when she got there, it was a huge surprise for Mom. Mom was unable to speak at that time, her throat was so sore, and she just struggled to get the words out. But, She was able to express her gratitude to Brandi.

Brandi had a great night with Mom. I am quite sure, the joy of seeing, and having Brandi there created a nice "bounce back" for mom. She knew Brandi had come all the way from Texas to be there for her. Brandi washed her, cared for her, prayed over her, loved on her. They had a truly special night together. I cannot even begin to capture the overwhelming feeling or gratitude I have for her efforts. In reflection, I am SO happy Brandi had those moments with her. There just aren't words to express such things. However, she did send me this pic, and its clear, Mom had the same feelings as I did. 

Brandi had her night, and the next day, it was time for my shift.

I got to the hospital at 8:00am, on 1-26-22, went up to relive Brandi, and Mom looked GREAT, she was talking better, she was holding her head up, I could actually hear her when she spoke, she was doing great with her swallowing therapy, as well as her sitting up, physical therapy.  I was excited to have a great, positive day with mom. 

That didn't last long...

This was the day when the seizure happened, and I don't need to go into those details, they are detailed in another blog, I want to capture the LIGHT here, not the darkness. 

When moms seizure started, I reached out to the family to let them know what was going on. At appox 20 minutes into the seizure, Brandi texted me..

"Were on our way to be with you"

It didn't quite hit me at the time, I was pretty consumed with the seizure and trying to understand what was going on, next steps, comforting mom, etc... But, through all of our distance, all of our separation, all of our hardships, Brandi was RUNNING to be by my side as I managed this alone. 

At 3:55, they forced me to leave my Mothers side, she was still seizing. At around 3:45, Brandi made it to the room with me, and stood by my side with mom, comforting me, comforting mom with me, and was just THERE for me through this really horrific portion of this entire mess. She RAN to be by my side, RAN to be there for me, RAN to support and love me as I suffered, watching my mother in this massive, ongoing seizure. 

In reflection, I cannot think of anything more loving, caring and compassionate. I cannot think of any time I "needed" someone to stand with me through anything, and on this day, at probably one of the darkest moments of my entire life, Brandi was the light that walked into the room to stand by, and with me through this. 

In this period of my life, I was so deep in my PTSD and the disconnection from the girls, there was NOTHING they could have ever SAID to me that would make me believe they cared for, or loved me at all. I would have marked it up to pacifying me out of respect for their Mother.

BUT THIS!!?? 

How in the world could I discount such actions from Brandi? I am one, especially anymore, words mean NOTHING to me. People constantly lie, bullshit, fabricate, make up shit to say so that they can "look good" or simply bullshit their way through life. It is ACTIONS that speak the loudest to me, it is ACTIONS that I pay attention to now for ascertaining the legitimacy of people. Ones actions speaks VOLUMES above words, and Brandis actions to run to me that day were like a megaphone in my ear... I was not just overwhelmed with the experience I just had with my mom, I was overwhelmed with the commitment to me, and my struggle in that moment, and her efforts to stand by me, with me, and for me! Her love for me was something I didn't think I would ever see again. 

That night, once I got to a point where I could process all that had taken place, I sent Brandi a thank you for standing by me, and being there for me. In that conversation, she said some things to me that, well, I really never thought I would ever hear. 

The details of that conversation are only truly important to she and I, and I have no desire to share that here. Lets just say, we made amends, we "cleared the slate" and agreed to "start over" and work to get back to who we were before I left Texas. 

For me, this was MONUMENTAL. I had come to the conclusion that I was unimportant to the girls, more of a burden than a blessing, and I was separating myself from them, little by little, to avoid anymore suffering of that loss. It has been a HEAVY weight on me for the last 8-10 years, I have spent more time with the loss of the girls than not (in my head, heart, and soul), and it was so painful, so hurtful, so dark and even angry for me. I was trying to protect myself from any more trauma, and knew that if I distanced myself slowly, I would avoid that suffering and could distance myself from any connection to further suffering. 

In my time of reflection, I had an epiphany... 

My mother had an amazing superpower. She has always been one that has brought loved ones together, she was always able to get people past their differences, and find the love they had for each other again. She wasn't always successful, but she was always successful at getting the connection done. Some people just enjoy hating each other and holding on to spite... I have a few that were in my life that I find this enjoyment in as well..  

What I realized was, even in the time of my Moms greatest suffering, she was still pulling family together, reconnecting them, helping them find the value they are to each other. My mom was still creating magic!!

A day passed, and my father, my sisters and I, went back to my moms living will and found we had exceeded her wishes, she wanted no intubation, no intravenous feeding, and did not want the measures we had taken to happen. As a loving, connected, unified and supportive family, we realized it was our DUTY to honor Moms wishes and remove her from life support.

We worked out the details with the hospital, and they allowed all of us to be there when they extubated her. As many people know, and many others DONT know, removing life support does not mean that the person is going to die right then and there. Some will quietly drift off to oblivion, others may hang on for a bit. We were all going to be there, all be able to say our goodbyes, all be able to support and love each other, and love and support Mom as she started to take those "next steps" to whatever happens after this brutal, and cruel life we live. 

As we were leaving the house to go to the hospital, Jeanette asked me if I had a grateful stone to give mom. Because of my PTSD, my breakdown, and my new "take" on life, I quit carrying a grateful stone with me. However, I did have something that was pretty special.

When Brandi left Kerrville to go to Ft Worth for Med School, she made Donna and I some little angels out of beads, a paperclip, and some paracord. I have kept it as a "dangle" in my vehicles since she gave it to me, and I had it in my jeep. I went out to my jeep, got the angel, asked Brandi if she was OK with it (she was) and we all started to head to the hospital. My siblings, our spouses, my father, Brandi and her husband John. 

We got to the ICU, and after some formalities, we were brought to the room, and they extubated mom. She was still breathing, and she was maintaining her oxygen level, and we all took our turns to say our goodbyes, comfort her, love on her, kiss and hug her... She was still in her induced coma.. 

When my turn came, I grabbed Brandis hand, put the angel in Moms hand, and then Brandi and I held her hand together. 

My mother was very clear of my struggles with Brandi, my heartache, my suffering... My Mother was probably the one person on this planet where I felt no stress telling her the depths of my suffering, so she knew well what was going on with Brandi and I, and how deeply it impacted me, and hurt my soul.

As we all held hands, I leaned down and whispered in Moms ear...

"Mom, I know you cant close your hand, but that is an angel Brandi made for me 10 years ago. That is also me and Brandis hand holding yours. I want you to know that Brandi and I have made amends and agreed to start over, get back to where we were, and that is ALL because of YOU. I also want you to know there are 10 people in this room with you, all of us here to show you love, and support, and I hope you know mom, THIS IS WHAT YOU CREATED!"

I was only 2-3 inches from her face as I was telling her this, and as I did, I saw tears running down her cheek....Mom was crying! SHE HEARD ME!!!

I will tell you, I had prepped myself for just about anything that would take place in that room. I have seen HUNDREDS of people die. I have seen some extremely tragic, I have seen some that were horrific, and I have seen a few that were beautiful, so I thought I was ready...And after the hour long seizure I was with her for, shit, there wasn't anything that could rock me now...

But tears? My mom crying? 

THAT I was NOT prepared for, and it almost made my legs collapse out from under me... I was absolutely shocked!

As the rest of the family started to see her tears, we gathered around her again, speaking to her, and then, another amazing thing happened... 

My mom pulled herself from that induced coma, she drug herself from that darkness, and she opened her eyes. She opened her eyes and looked around the entire room, at each of as, as if to acknowledge us all, telling us she knew we were there, thanking us for being by her side, and that she was aware of what was taking place. This lasted for about 2-3 minutes, then she closed her eyes and went back into her coma.

I was not prepared for this, I was overwhelmed with so many different emotions, I was once again, IN SHOCK!

Mom held on in the ICU for about an hour, and then it was time for Hospice to come and take over. They moved her from that cold, drab, industrial style room to the Hospice floor. A floor with amazing views of Pikes Peak (One of my mothers favorite views) a couch, chairs, and NO RESTRICTIONS. 

From this point on, until her last breath, there was never less than 2 of us with her, and often times it was 5 or more with her. We were by her side every second, until her last, and then, even into several minutes after her passing.  

Since mom was hanging on, and Shanna was worried about my well being, I found a nice quiet place to facetime with Shanna and go over what took place. Shanna had stated she wanted to be there with us, so we got her on a flight the next day to come be with family, and say her goodbyes to Mom. For Donna and I, this was a huge relief for us to have her with us. 

Mom hung on, and was in Hospice for 2-3 days (I just cant remember for sure right now, as I type this, dates, times, days, none of them have any significance, and my head is still very hazy and scattered from all of this), and let me tell you, what I experienced in that time was truly magical, loving, caring, connected, bonded, it was every bit of LOVE one could want in their final days, and moments. 

I explained to my family how blessed we were to have this unfold like it was unfolding. In my experience of people dying, it was VERY, VERY rare to see families unified, bonded, connected....

So very often, there is drama, fighting, arguing, bitterness, hate, ugliness, separation. It was always part of my mission as a social worker in that LTC facility to help families push those aside and rally to the sides of their loved ones in their final moments. It was something that I wasn't always successful at, but in the times I was, it was a beautiful thing, it was a moment where at the final breath, the loved one passing would be surrounded by care, love, compassion, connection... And again, this was the "exception" and not the "rule" for these events. 

Over the next 2-3 days, ALL I saw was LOVE, CARE, COMPASSION, CONNECTION, SUPPORT from each and every one of us. 

Dad would sit by moms side, rub her face, tell her stories of their life together. Tell her how special she was, how much he loved their life together, how much he loved and cared for her. It was a wonderful experience, with some stories we had never heard before.  

Jeanette, who doesn't manage these types of things well at all, was a true rockstar. She was by her side, washing her hair, fixing it, speaking to her, loving her, rubbing her shoulders. Nette overcame her struggle in this, and replaced it with the love she had for Mom...It was beautiful. 

Stacey was always right at her bedside, comforting her, loving her, talking to her. She was such a champ, so caring, so loving... She had a "glow" around her and Mom when she was with her. 

Brandi was never far from her side; doing her fingernails, painting her toenails, speaking to her, praying over her, playing "Jesus songs" for her. As I watched Brandi care for her, it just filled my heart with love. Not only for mom, and Brandi, but for the human being I was able to see in Brandi, a part of her I had not witnessed before. Gave me great pride to know she is in the field she is. She has found her calling!

Donna was back and forth, to her side, holding her hand, loving on her, being with her. I watched Donna with mom and was just filled with memories of the love my Mom had for Donna, how much she cared for her, loved her as her own.  

John, what a trooper! He was there every step of the way, offering Brandi support, being there for the family, eager to do ANYTHING he could to help. As long as I have known John, it was through this time and experience I REALLY saw the great human being he is. 

Terry and Mark stayed in the room with her, spent their time with her. Mark is another one who you could see how he had found his calling, and Terry was the loving son my mother had always accepted him as. She loved him dearly, he knew it, and he loved her back equally. 

Shanna made it in time to be with her, stay with her, say her goodbyes, be with her, as well as be with all of us in this terribly difficult time. To have her here with all of us was another true blessing. Her support for Donna and I was definitely something that was helpful for us. Shanna's heart has always been so big, so giving. It has always infuriated me to see her heart taken advantage of by shitty people, and here, I was able to see her heart fully, without any threat of harm to her for expressing it.  

Me; I made sure I touched her face, kissed her, moistened her mouth, applied Chapstick to her, told her I loved her, told her how much she was loved... I had said my goodbyes to Mom when I left her side from the seizure, I was confident at that time, it would be the last time I saw her alive. I had made my peace with her passing, and now, I was simply trying to provide love and comfort to her as she started her journey to whatever is next. 

I found myself constantly flooded with emotion as I was a spectator in that room. I was moved to tears so many times, just witnessing the love she was shown, the care she was given by those who loved her so much. At times, all I could do was sit there quietly and just take in the love and care for her... It was a truly magical experience. Out of all of the deaths I had witnessed, I had NEVER seen something so beautiful as what I saw with my Mom. 

May we all be so blessed to be so loved, so cared for, and so adored in our final days and moments. I still, as I type this, can FEEL in my SOUL the love and energy in that room (and she passed away 18 days ago now).

On 1-30-22, I made my way to Hospice, with a "weird" feeling. I entered my moms room, and noticed that she was very jaundiced, her breathing had changed, and it just FELT like this was the day.

We had all worked different schedules to be with her, but Jeanette, Stacey, Dad and I all confessed, we had a "feeling" that day, and we were all there together with her for several hours that day. Not much change had taken place, and I was just exhausted, tired of that damn hospital, and needed a break. 

I decided to go back to Jeanette's and take a nap, relax... I got to her house, got in my PJ's, sat down to watch TV, and in about 20 minutes, I had this OVERWHELMING feeling of "Why the fuck am I here? I need to be at the hospital!"

I texted Donna and said "Let me know when she is getting close" and donna quickly responded, "She is close babe"....

I could FEEL IT...I could actually FEEL she was getting close! I had told Donna before I left the house "Dont tell mom to wait for me" 

I got my jeans on, and started to head back to the hospital. I wasn't panicked, and I wasn't really "rushed" but I was making my way back quickly. I was driving West on Austin Bluffs Pkwy, and I can still see it clearly...

I was at the top of the hill, just going past the college. I had a newer model F250 next to me and I was passing him to get to the turn lane coming up at Nevada.... And right there, I felt it... I felt her go.... I knew right there, she was gone...

As I got to the hospital, I sped into the parking lot, and noticed 2 people standing off to the side, trying to avoid my erratic behavior to get parked, then I realized it was my Dad, and my BIL Mark... 

I knew...

I got out, said "Is she gone?" and they told me she was. I walked up, hugged Dad, let him cry with me for a minute, and then he said

"You need to go up there and say your goodbyes"

I walked into the hospital, went to the screening area, didn't even bother with a mask, and started to jog to the elevator... The first time in 20 days not one person said anything to me about a mask!

I entered moms room, and the rest of my family was gathered around Mom, crying, Jeanette at her side... I got there at 7:20, she passed at 7:06... Reflecting back, that put me at just where I felt her go... So, I know it wasn't just a "feeling", I knew...I FELT it! And again, in reflection, how can a person NOT feel the life that gave you life, leave this existence? 

As I entered the room, took off my glasses, and my hat, rushed to her side, and basically fell over her, hugging her, crying, sobbing, telling her I was sorry for not being there as she left. I sat by her side, grabbed her hand, put it up to my face to feel her caress just one last time. I could feel she was already getting cold and I told her,

"I guess you just figured I had seen too much Momma, travel easy, I love you, and always will"

I spent a few minutes in the room, with the family, and then, I had enough. She was gone, I had NO USE for that hospital, or anyone in it anymore. I wanted to RUN from that place and hoped I would never have to return to it. It was a long, quiet drive back to.... Man, as I sit here, trying to remember, I cant... I cant remember the trip from the hospital much, where I went, what was said... Its completely blank in my mind... 

Most of everything after that, I am still in a haze about. However, the BEAUTY in her passing was something I will fondly remember for the rest of my days. 

I do remember learning this was the first time Shanna, Brandi, or John had ever seen someone die. I explained to them how blessed they were to have such a loving, caring, and compassionate first experience. I explained to them this was not how things usually go, with all the deaths I have seen, this was the most loving, connected, caring and beautiful one I had ever seen.... Just like my Momma. 

I explained to Shanna that this would probably not be her last experience, but now, she has seen what is beautiful in it, and how to create and stand for that beauty for the next person you will be so honored to stand by in their final moments, to BE that, to CREATE that, and to help others understand how important it is. 

My Mother was a BEAUTIFUL soul in this world. As her son, I can say, even through the times where she would drive me crazy as "mothers do" she always loved me, and mine with all she had. She cared for people, she cared for life, she cared for those less fortunate, she cared for all living things, and in her final moments, in her final days, the love she gave all of us, we were happy AND proud to offer her that back. 

Its hard for me to grasp all of the blessings that happened in those final days, and final moments, but my Momma went out the same way she lived....With love, care, and compassion. 

May we all be so blessed to be surrounded by such love, such care, such compassion in our final days, and final moments. There was nothing in those days given her from us, she didn't deserve...And we gave all we had back to her in those days, honoring her life, her spirit, and who she was in this world. I know as she took those steps into whatever is next, she did so with pride in her family, and completely filled with love and care. 

I will miss being your Birthday Fairy, your dark humored, outlandish, big hearted, and caring Son, who you always met with a smile, a hug, and a sadness when I left, EVERY TIME.... You were always the one who loved me the most, and I will miss that for the rest of my days Momma... I hope that someday, we will see each other again, but if not, know I will never forget who you were in this world, and to those you loved in this world, as well as the next... 

Rest Easy Momma, thank you for all the life you gave me, thank you for bringing Brandi and I back together, and all the joy you gave me in this life... your final gift to this world was bringing love! I know I will never have that kind of love again, there is no love like a mothers love! 

  

My brutal experience with moms passing

 I am not sure this will be easy to read, or easy for me to even write, but I find the anger, spite and disgust in me is growing, slowly, methodically and I fear it could consume all of my thoughts. So, I will put them down here, try to leave them here, and should I ever need to revisit this, I can come back to it. 

On 1-11-2022, at around 10:15pm, I got a call from my sister Stacey that my Mother had a stroke, and was on her way to the hospital. She didn't know the extent of the stroke, but that she was in the Emergency ICU.

I immediately jumped up, threw my pants on, told Donna and we were off for our 1.5 hour trip to Penrose Main Hospital in Colorado Springs to stand with my family, for my Mother. 

Upon our arrival, we were met at the doors by the "COVID Trolls" who let us know that we had to wear a mask, and due to COVID restrictions, only 1-2 people were allowed to be with Mom. When I walked in to see my mom, she was clearly paralyzed on her left side, had her eyes barely open, was thrashing her right leg and had an involuntary shaking of her right hand. She was moaning with pain and discomfort, and was clearly scared of what was taking place, as were all of us. 

After a couple of hours at the ER, there was nothing left we could do, so we went home until we could figure out the extent of the stroke, and what our next actions would be.

The next day, mom was moved to a room, and her restrictions were as follows...

1 person per day, only allowed to be with her from 8am until 8pm. If that person were to leave the hospital, they could not return, and no one else could be in the room with her that day. You must be screened and masked at all times. Our family pulled together, and decided to take shifts to be with mom and stand by her side. However, this was only from 8am until 8pm and all other times, she would be forced to be alone, wake up alone, be afraid alone, be at the mercy of the shitty care of the hospital outside of those times, ALONE.

I'm not sure how many of you have watched a loved one suffer, or die, but let me explain to you, 12 hours of watching your mother, wife, loved one suffer is a HUGE and HEAVY burden. It takes a HUGE toll on you, and when you cant get support from other loved ones, it is exhausting. When we would leave the hospital, not only was it hard to know she would be alone, but when you left the hospital and got into your car, it was like you got hit by a train. At one point, I was so overwhelmed with exhaustion, I was SURE I had caught COVID in the hospital. 

On my first shift with my mom, in her private room, out of ICU, was brutal. When I walked in the room, she had thrown up on herself, this black, septic, waste and it was clear to me she had not been taken care of throughout the night. She was unable to move any of the fluid or food intake out of her stomach, so it had just sat there, becoming this black, nasty sewage. I was with her for an hour and a half before the first nurse ever showed her face. In that hour and a half, she was choking and coughing, spitting up and I had to suction her myself. I am sure, had I not been there, the possibility of her laying in that room and slowly choking to death was a real possibility. My first shift was not starting well. 

I explained to the nurse when she finally showed up, I wanted to see the charts from the previous night that show the care she received, and the efforts made to roll her from side to side to avoid bedsores. These are things they never gave me and were clearly uncomfortable with my asking about. 

My moms condition grew worse, and now I was in the stage of DEMAND for care, telling the nurse, if she could not see there was an issue with what was going on, she needed to get someone more skilled than her to come and assess my mom. At one point, the nurse was on moms right side, a CNA on her left, me at the foot of her bed, and mom started to throw up again. The CNA never even attempted to help, as my mom started to choke, she just stared at her... I threw my arms up, yelled 

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!??? GET OUT OF THE WAY" 

and pushed the CNA to the side and started to suction my mom. The CNA left in a "huff" and as she did, I said 

"Don't come back if you wont care for her" 

As the nurse started to take action, it was determined that we needed to get x-rays done. The x-ray tech shows up to pick her up and as she starts to roll her out, says... 

"OK Nancy, we don't want you to get COVID, so lets put this mask on you"

A mask? You are going to put a mask on a woman who is partially paralyzed and throwing up? Im no doctor or medical professional, but to me, that is the STUPIDEST SHIT I have ever heard. 

Mom said she wanted me to go with her to the x-ray, so I stood by her side, wiping the vomit from her face, throwing the mask off. Each time I would take the mask off, the x-ray tech would stop and put a new one on her. I was really starting to get infuriated, yelling at the tech...

"LETS GO...LETS FUCKING GO!!"

and we continued to the x-ray room, with my mom still throwing up into her "COVID protection mask". At one point, I leaned down to clear moms face and neck and she whispered..

"Brad, I am having a hard time breathing, and I'm starting to panic"

Now, I'm about to crawl out of my skin...Not only is my mom very sick, she is now scared, and I am fucking HELPLESS!!I am so angry now... The Tech stopped on the way back to the room, several times, again, to get her mask on her face. I said...

"This is ridiculous, get her back to her room, quit fucking stopping, she needs to have suction!"

The tech was overwhelmed as well, and we rushed her back to her room where we had suction, and I could adequately care for her, because no one else seemed to give a shit. 

It was determined that mom would need and NG tube in her nose, down her throat, to suck the sewage out of her stomach. By this time, my mom is COMPLETELY exhausted, she cant hold her head up, she cant lift her arms, she can barely keep her eyes open, cant speak, she was completely spent and exhausted, almost catatonic, confused, staring off into space, looking "through" me.. 

When they came in to put the NG tube in, I knew what was coming, and in my frazzled state, I was not going to be able to watch her fight them putting that tube in, so I had to step out. When I did, the emotions overcame me...Anger, fear, disgust, RETRIBUTION, I wanted to fucking kill someone I was so mad!

I walked out of the hospital to call Donna and try and calm myself down. I explained to her there was NO WAY I was going to leave her side at 8pm, that I did not feel she was being cared for properly, and I will have to be drug out of the hospital before I would leave her side. And should they choose to drag me out, it would be a newsworthy event. 

After calming myself, I went back and spoke to the Charge Nurse. I explained...

"This is absolutely, in no way, an attack on you or your staff, but I am not comfortable with the level of care my mother is getting and feel that her overnight care is even more inadequate. I am respectfully asking you to call whoever it is you need to call and get the OK for my family to have someone by her side overnight. I have a sister that's a nurse, my father is a retired Chiropractor and EMT, I am an ex EMT with a career in emergency fields and we will honor all the boundaries you ask us to honor, but I cannot, and WILL NOT leave my mother in this state alone."

The nurse made a call, and we got the OK to be with her for 24 hours, again, only one of us for every 12 hour shift, and we could not leave the room at night. 

That night, Stacey took the shift, and the struggle continued on with mom throughout the night. Between Stacey and I, and what we had witnessed, we were VERY concerned for Mom and what was going on. I have seen MANY people die, and my mom looked like she was dying. 

The next day shift, Dad came in. It was a tough day and shift for him as well, probably more so due to his age, and this being his partner for 59 years. Jeanette took the next night shift, and she had a "bounce back" and Jeanette was able to have a good shift with her, washed her hair, cleaned her up, took some pictures with her, it seemed maybe we were on a good uphill journey. I pulled the next night shift, and it was a fairly quiet night. I encouraged her to sleep, and sponged water into her mouth, gave her ice chips, even sponged a little coffee in her mouth for her, because FUCK THAT HOSPITAL, that's why!

Dad came back for another day shift, and his day shift was, again, not so encouraging, and really, really hard for him. Another thing that was happening is, my dad is partially deaf, and the ridiculous COVID masks muffle language, and take away the ability to see lips move, so much of what the professionals were telling him, my dad struggled to understand. Now, HAD THEY allowed another family member to be in there with him, we could have rectified that situation, but no, COVID is more important than bringing ease to those suffering and struggling to understand. SUCH BULLSHIT!!

The shifts continued, and I have told people who say 

"What a rollecoaster ride" 

 "No, it isn't a rollercoaster, its a wave, and it could crash at ANY time." 

Brandi came up from Texas to support and help. We didn't say anything to Mom about her coming, and we wanted it to be a surprise for her when Brandi took a shift to be with her. Brandi pulled her first shift, and it was a pretty great bounce-back, and a good night for Mom and Brandi. 

On Friday 1-28-2022, after Brandis Shift with mom, I took the day shift. Mom had a GREAT night with Brandi, and she had a pretty significant "bounce back". Brandi cared for her, bathed her, prayed over her, played soothing Christian songs for her... They had a wonderful night together, and mom expressed her gratitude to Brandi.

I came for the day shift, when I walked in, she looked better, she was talking better, we did the swallow tests with her and the therapist, the PT folks came in, sat her up, did some exercises and cognition testing, she seemed to be doing really, really good...The best I had seen her since all hell broke loose. 

Mom was still having an issue with moving her bowels, and she was distended and really uncomfortable, so the Doctor decided to try some kind of "special enema" to get things moving. They administered the enema, and it just seemed to start going downhill from there. 

Mom was very uncomfortable, trying to push and strain to get things moving, but she just could not get comfortable. She started to become a bit delusional again, catatonic, and she was just so exhausted. I remember her looking at me and saying "What a mess this all is, huh?" And it just hit me like a baseball bat.... 

"Yep mom, this is truly a mess..." 

I walked out of the room, mom was on her left side, and when I came back in, her eyes were wide open, and she was calling to me as she was staring, scared, at the wall....I ran to her and said 

"What's wrong mom"

She pointed to the wall, and whispered...

"Spider Bradley, don't let it get on me"

It was a small, black mark on the wall, and I explained to her it wasn't a spider, and I would not let anything hurt her. I encouraged her to sleep, so she could regain her strength and I went and sat down in the chair. All was quiet, all was calm, and I thought I might be able to catch a quick nap... 

As I started to close my eyes, I heard someone enter the room and it was a CNA. She went to moms side, tried to wake her, but mom wasn't waking very easily. The CNA looked at me and said 

"I will be right back"

I knew something was going on, so I stood up and out of the way as the room started to fill with people, they were chatting about things and I was unclear as to what was going on. I found myself in a VERY calm state, very relaxed, and no anxiety or fear... I did ask, calmly...

"Can someone please explain to me what's going on so I can understand?"

They had explained her O2 levels were down and they were concerned with what was happening. I then noticed a tremor on moms right side that I, nor anyone else could explain. I didn't want to bother my dad with what was happening just yet, so I reached out to Stacey to tell her something was going on, and I didn't think it was good, and sent her a video of the tremors. Once the tremors started to increase, I knew it was time to call Dad. Luckily, the Doctor came in at about that time, and he was able to update Dad with what was happening. 

Things continued to go South, and now they had called the ICU team up for an evaluation of what was happening, and a possible transfer back to the ICU. When the team arrived and started to assess, it shifted hugely again... The staff was trying to get Mom to respond, and called me to the bed. The nurse said 

"Ask her a question she would say "NO" to" 

I was confused, and couldn't come up with anything, then it hit me... I told her to look at me and said...

"Mom, is Stace in the room?

She nodded yes

"Mom in Nette in the room?"

She nodded yes

"Mom, is Dad in the room?"

She nodded yes...

The nurses spoke among each other and I went back to the corner of the room to get out of everyones way, but I KNEW this was really bad. 

I cannot, and will not explain in detail what happened after that. What I experienced, NO ONE should have to relive, so I will not go into specifics of what happened next. What I will say, is I saw the onset of a seizure coming, Mom saw something... And then a massive seizure started.

at 3:02pm, on 1-28-2022 mom started to seize. It was a pretty intense seizure, and she was completely enveloped in it. I stood, quietly in the corner of the room and called out to her, letting her know I was there, letting her know people were working on her, and I started to try and time the seizure. 

3 minutes....

5 minutes....

8 minutes....

12 minutes....

The team was working on her, and when they weren't, I was by her side, whispering in her ear, telling her I was there, how much she was loved, how much I LOVED her, trying to bring some comfort to both her, and myself. A Doctor came in and told me they were going to have to intubate her. I knew my mom had a living will, or a DNR, so I asked "Why?" and the Doctor said

"If we don't intubate her, she will die"

I explained her living will/DNR to the Doc and told her 

"This is not a decision I can make, you will have to ask my father, let me get him on the phone"

I called my dad, gave the doc my phone, and went back to my mothers side... 

18 minutes... 

23 minutes...

Something happened that I just couldn't handle. Mom, in her seizure, started spit up, and then choke on it. The nurse was trying to get suction into her mouth, but her teeth were clinched, and he couldn't. The noises she was making were FAR too familiar to me and I stepped out of the room to catch my breath, take a deep breath, move through it, and then I went back to her side. One of the CNA's approached me and asked if I wanted the Chaplain. I was confused?? Last rites, prayer?? What are you talking about?

"No sir, for you..."

"For me?? Hell no, keep those people away from me. The last thing I need right now is some religious, praying freak hovering over me, trying to console me, keep those people away from me, I need to focus on my mom!" 

30 minutes...

35 minutes...

42 minutes...

at 3:55pm, they pulled me from her side, and took her to the ICU.

In the timeframe of that seizure, I was trying to keep the family updated with what was happening, and our daughter Brandi got up from her nap, and RAN to my side...She RAN to me to try and offer me comfort, and ease... She got to the room with me for about the last 5-8 minutes of the seizure, was able to stand with me, and FOR me... She was a light that I needed and because of the BULSSHIT COVID restrictions, I had no light to carry me through that horrific hour... 

THANK GOD I knew what was taking place, I cannot imagine a family member, unaware of what was happening, would have to experience that alone. It is something that will haunt me for the rest of my days, but I would not have wanted to be ANYWHERE ELSE in the world than by her side, struggle or not, I was where I needed to be! That Brandi was there for me was, well, let me save that for the brighter blog...

After they took me from her side, and put me in the ICU waiting room, I had this very surreal CALM that came over me. I even told Brandi that I found it very odd I was so calm, so gathered, so in tune with all that had happened. I didn't shed a tear, I maintained my professionalism, my alertness and my understanding of what I had just witnessed, shit, I even still had some dark humor to share... For me, I was sure I had just witnessed the END of my Mother. I was so sure, I even said my goodbyes in the room as they took me from her side. 

I found a "blessing" it it too... Had this been My sister, or my Father who had just seen what I had seen, they would have been crippled and completely devastated... My Brother in Law Terry was supposed to try and take that shift that day, but woke up with a very sore throat, and again, because of fucking COVID, we thought the worst and didn't want any possible exposure to mom. Had Terry been there, I cant imagine what that would have done to him... I felt so blessed to, 

1. Be there by my moms side and comfort her, 

2. NO ONE else had to witness what I just witnessed. 

I have been exposed to a LOT of brutality in my life, so my shoulders were the best to carry that weight!

As the family started to show up, and we started to get more details, I started to feel the weight, I started to become angry, short, intolerant for anything less than what I WANTED TO HEAR!

The decision was made to keep her intubated until the damage from the seizure could be assessed. By this point, I was pretty overwhelmed, and burdened by what had taken place, and what they had said would be the efforts to move forward...

"Pull her slowly out of the coma tomorrow, see if she seizes, if she does, put her back in coma, reassess..."

To me, all this did was bring back what I had just experienced, and the THOUGHT of my Dad, or ANY of my family seeing that was just more than I could handle. I explained to my family that I was "over my limit" and I could not be in that hospital, or around people anymore and I was driving home. I had to get away from it all, get in my own head, get some windshield time, process what I had just experienced... BREATHE!!!! 

When I got home, Opie was so overjoyed to see me and I just embraced him and sobbed... Donna wasn't far behind me, and when she came in, I told her that I needed to get in the shower and get the smell of that day off of me... All I could smell was that hospital, and that day... It was overpowering!

I went to sit on the side of the tub to undress, and it started to hit me... I started to get cold, get the shakes, became uneasy on my feet, light nausea... I was very aware that I was in shock... I had all of the signs and signals of it, and I just needed to have Donna with me, and BREATHE my way through it. 

As I sat there, managing it, I explained FULLY to Donna what I had experienced, what I had seen... I told her, through sobs and tears, I could not go through that again, and I didn't want ANY of my family exposed to that. I told her I was concerned because no one knows the extent of what I saw in that seizure, and choices would be made without that knowledge, and I didn't want to have to tell my family the details. I explained to her that I knew what my moms wishes were, and I knew with all of my heart, she would not want anyone to see that. 

As I told her this, I started to sob and cry again, this time, it was "turning on" and I took a deep breath, and walked into the shower and just let the hot water run over me as I gasped for air, and struggled with breathing, legs and knees shaking uncontrollably as I tried to gather myself... I think that shower lasted 45 minutes... The "shock" passed and I was able to get a few hours of sleep throughout the night, but early, I got a call from my sisters...

I could go on and on about the ridiculousness of that hospital, and my DISGUST of the medical industry; how they gathered and presented information, how little they knew of my Mom and her medical history, shit, even how long she had been in the hospital. Let me just say, communication is NOT their strong point in any form or fashion, and the crossing of information was, once again, another continuing blow of fear and misinformation. 

My sisters called and said the hospital was going to remove life support from mom, so, again, I'm back in the jeep, Donna by my side, on that 1.5 hour track back to Colorado Springs to face the inevitable.

I get to the hospital, and meet with my dad and sisters, and they go over the details they were given. Apparently, the idiot that called and said they were unplugging her was just that, AN IDIOT and didn't have all of the information. My god, how much trauma can one hospital subject a family to before its unethical, immoral, or just flat out UNCARING!?

The direction that was going to be taken was basically the same as the night before, however, my father would be the ONLY one allowed in the room as they took these actions, alone, no support, half deaf and unable to understand people... So, I tried to explain to my family what I had experienced, without explaining to my family what I had experienced. 

"I just want you to know, I support whatever choice you make Dad, but I have to say this, I have to get this out... NO ONE sitting in this room saw what I did last night, and I assure you, you don't want to see what I saw last night. Not only that, Mom would not want you to have to go through what we went through last night. I do NOT want to offer details of that experience, and am asking for you to trust me when I tell you, its going to be HORRIFIC for you if you have to have that experience alone dad."

I told them I stand by dad, no matter his decision, but I wanted them to know, they were not witness to what I was witness to. Dad said he understood, but this was the direction the doctors were offering, and he felt he would follow their advice. He wanted to see if they could do as they said and

 "get her back to where she was before the seizure"

I reminded him that from the time of the stroke, to the time of the seizure, where mom "was" was not so bright. We had mostly really rough days with a few sprinkles of "lucky charms" that offered us a little light, and this too should be considered. He agreed to think about it, and we left the hospital, as COVID restrictions wouldn't allow anyone but Dad in the room with her anyway. 

The Hospital also told Dad that they did not recognize "right to die" laws, as they were a "Catholic based Hospital'... 

This shit sent me through the roof. Don't use your fucking religion to justify action that make YOU feel good. Tell me, where in Catholicism does it say that families should be separated in the times of their most horrific crisis? I am a REFORMED Catholic, but I do seem to recall, part of the Catholic Doctrine is to do all one can to KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER... Don't spout your religious bullshit to me and justify yourself by that religion... You friggin hypocrites...

One of the MANY reasons I have absolutely no use of, belief, or care for organized religion. It is the downfall of God in my opinion. Hypocritical pieces of shit who use their religion, and twist it to suit their needs. Your "Hollier than thou" shit only aggravates me more, FUCK YOU and your "GOD"!!"

I left the hospital, heavily burdened by what might be coming next for us...

That night, we all had dinner and then went to bed. I was up until 5am that next morning, riddled with emotions and concern. At 7:30, Stacey called me, told me Dad wanted me and Jeanette to come to the house and discuss some things. I told Stacey to get the coffee going, and we would be on our way. 

When we got there, Dad did what I knew he would do.... Sit, consider the situation, think of moms wishes, and re-evaluate what was taking place. 

Dad had their living wills in hand and explained he had gone over them again, and found that moms direct wishes were conflicted with the actions we had taken, or were about to take. She wanted no intravenous feeding, and no intubation. 

Dad and Moms living will were exactly the same, so Stacy asked Dad..

"If that was you laying in that hospital like that, what would you want US to do?"

As a loving, connected, unified, and bonded family, we all agreed to honor moms wishes, and remove her from the life support she was on. We had seen her labs, and it was clear her body was shutting down, her kidneys and liver were starting to fail, and the inevitable was just "moments" away, and in those moments, we would be honorable to our mother, and honor her final wishes she had lined out, signed, and dated... It was time to take all life support measures off. 

We did also agree, we would not be limited by ANY restrictions to be by our Mothers side in her final moments. We started to work on plans to transfer her out of that hospital to ANY location that would allow us to be with her when we took her off life support. 

Fortunately, the hospital agreed to allow all the family, to include spouses and grandkids to be in the room with her as we removed life support. 

Once we had the time lined out, and everyone notified, we did just that... We rallied to her side, unified, loving, connected, TOGETHER, said our goodbyes, and they extubated her, removed her breathing tubes and feeding lines. 

I will stop here, because this is where the darkness LEFT our experience. I will capture the LIGHT in another blog, to share the blessings of this event. 

I am so disgusted with how families are being kept from each other in such times of crisis and suffering. I find it disgusting that the medical field claims the oath of "Do No Harm" because they are definitely DOING HARM. I think that "oath" and the word "ethics" should be taken from the medical establishment lingo. They do NOT appreciate or honor either of these. Those who support, or enforce such ridiculous policies should be ashamed of themselves, I hope, one day, they will answer to these atrocities! You have done more harm to people and families than can ever be captured. Its disgusting, and I am disgusted with anyone who supports such horrible actions. ANYONE who supported and activated policies to keep families separated, and those suffering to be left alone in that horror are horrible people. It should be a criminal what administrations and hospitals did to separate families in these times. It should be criminal, and EVERY person who promoted and pushed out these policies should be charged as criminals!!

Rest in Peace my beautiful, kind and loving mother. My love will only grow for you in your absence. We will miss you terribly, and the world will never be as bright as when you were in it! I love you Momma! You did a great job Mom.... Thank you for loving me and being the glue that held us all together; we will never forget you and all you built!!

The Mutt... My Jeep build (more than just a jeep)

In 2018, my life took a dramatic turn. After a few years of dealing with some pretty crappy jobs, several horrible betrayals by people who I thought cared for me, some of the people I have allowed closest to me; then a tragic loss in our family where our oldest daughter was killed in an accident. Shortly after that, professionally, I had an infant death, and a another child client death (on top of 3 other dead infants in my career, and a multitude of child victims I worked with), add a bottle of whisky a night, EVERY night, and some pretty severe PTSD issues to that mix, its not hard to imagine the disaster that quickly followed. 

In July of 2018, the night of my last child death, I had yet another betrayal from someone I let close to me, and it was here that I finally "BROKE".  A series of events after that, an old friends suicide, loss of another dear friend, and several other traumatic incidents that followed just added to the crash. 

It is 2021, and I am still working on myself to bounce back from all of that, and still feel I have some distance to cover to get back or at least, RISE ABOVE. I realized that much of my life, and much of my life I held dear to me, was a lie. The people in it were a lie, my interpretation of life was a lie, and I was so clouded by what my ideal life "could" look like, I missed the reality and harshness of what life REALLY is. I "trusted" people, and that was my downfall! 

Much of what I held dear to me, I gave up. I no longer wanted to be around people, or be social in any way. I lost any desire to make new friends or try to find connections to people. I gave up trusting ANYONE and my dearest, and closest companion, Alcohol, I gave that up too. 

For anyone who has had such an event(s) in their life, what you will find is, there is a HUGE void in your life those things once filled, and in that space, life can get VERY dark, VERY depressing, and VERY tedious just to get to the next day. I don't think that people actually have any concept of how deeply a betrayal can wound a person, how much that betrayal can shift a person and their direction in life. But, if they gave a shit at all, they wouldn't have done the act anyway, right?

I lost interest in many things that once gave me peace. Writing, my Harley, interacting and engaging with people, working with people, trying to make a difference, giving back... I really had no passion for anything. The only thing I really wanted to try and assure saving was my relationship with Donna. 

I was (and often still am) depressed on a level I never thought I could get to. For those who have, or do experience "dark places", I'm sure you understand. I am so blessed to have found Opie. I have always been such a "caring" person with a big heart, but now I was too afraid to get close to anyone and share it. Opie really allowed me to care "safely" he has truly become my best buddy. I should have seen the value in the love of dogs much earlier. Would have saved me a ton of heartache and suffering!

 I really had no desire to try and move through the life I have left to pursue anything. I was just surviving, existing, trudging through the day to day, wondering when it would all end and looking forward to that day. 

I had given up many unhealthy habits and relationships, but in that void, I was finding myself lost in my thoughts, in my head, in my "victim-ness." Even without those horrible habits, I felt so alone, so lost, so weak and vulnerable. 

The comments you often see about people with depression or PTSD are 

"You Are Not Alone"

Let me tell you something, "suffering" is a completely solo journey... You are COMPLETELY alone in that place... That kind of statement was made by someone who clearly hasn't suffered greatly. 

 I really had lost who I was... And in many respects, it isn't a bad thing. 

I'm not sure how, or why it happened, but in October of 2020, I took on a project to build a front porch on our house. What I found in taking that on was, my life had purpose, my mind was stimulated. I wasn't just tuning out at night to some Netflix special, dreading the next day. My head was filled with ideas and directions, I had found "purpose" again. 

This was the first project of this kind I had ever taken on, the first construction job I had ever done, and I really felt good about myself and my life when I was done.

What I discovered is, projects will keep me sane!!

I really did feel like I was lost, or maybe it was more of a "treading water in the middle of the ocean alone" feeling. This project brought me back to a place where I actually looked forward to the next day. After completion of the porch, I realized "project's" would help me to maintain, or at least balance my sanity and would keep me from those "dark places" I seemed to spend so much time in. 

I knew I needed to find other project to keep me on track to make life "livable" again. I tried to get back into the Harley life, but found my passion for that was no longer something I enjoyed. I knew I had to find something else, but had no clue what direction to go. 

One of the things I always thought would be a fun thing to do was find an old barn stashed car and bring it back to life. All the "classics" that one commonly thinks of were really expensive and hard to locate, so I thought about finding an old jeep, and old Willy's or CJ and build it to be my own. I never could find one that just "triggered" me into action. Then one day, on Facebook, I saw a post for an old Jeep Cherokee that a guy was giving away and I was in love... THIS would be what I would pursue...

This jeep was nothing but a shell and some seats with a bunch of wires birdshit and rat poop. There was no engine, no transmission, no transfer case and it had been sitting for 10+ years. There was also no title... 

I contacted the guy and told him I would take it, and I would head out the next day to get it. It was in Page Arizona which was about a 6 hour trip, one way from my house; in the middle of frickin NOWHERE. I figured that the worst case scenario would be I could flip it and make a little money if it was too much of a project to take on. I left at 6:00am from Colorado and headed that way.

When I got there, I met Nate and he explained this was his Brothers jeep, they wanted to restore it, but he passed before they could. The original jeep was a 79 Golden Eagle, and his Brother had found an 80 Chief to use as a donor to build out the jeep. This jeep had been in his family from the day it was rolled off the lot, brand new. Apparently, his Brother had gone on a trip and when he got back, his Brothers roomate had stripped the jeep of its engine, transmission and transfer case and sold the parts. After that, the jeep just sat in the dessert, slowly rotting away. After his Brother passed, he decided it needed to go to someone who would appreciate it. 

Nate and I loaded up the jeep, agreed to stay in touch through the build, and one day, meet up again so he could drive it. Once I got it loaded, I started the long trip home. 

I got home at 10:30pm that night, exhausted and completely clueless about what to do next! I woke up the next day and went through the whole jeep to see where I was at, and what needed to be done. After looking at the pictures here, you can probably see why. This thing was going to need A LOT of work to get it back on the road, and I was a little overwhelmed with the idea. 

I knew that it was a fairly sound shell of a vehicle, but once I got into the Jeep itself, and really took a look at what I was working with, I was tempted to just list it online and sell it, but I was emotionally attached to this thing now, and I had invested time and money to go get this old thing. 

Then I actually took some time to go through the jeep and see what was going on with it. Again, from the pictures, you can imagine my concern for what was ahead. 

The interior of the jeep was a mess. There were all kinds of jeep parts scattered throughout it, it was filled with desert sand, windows broken, no windshield, found out the floorboards were rotten... This was just the inside! Then the outside... 

The rust on it was not affecting the structure of the jeep, but man, it was a mess. Everything was just ripped out of this jeep, cut from it. Wheels were not matching, missing lug bolts, shocks were gone, brake lines junk, broken fenders, grill, windows, no rear glass in the tailgate... Holy crap was this going to be a task. 

I am not a mechanic in any sense of the word. I couldn't tell you the difference between a 3/8' wrench and a 1/2" wrench, hell, I am lucky to know where to put gas in a vehicle and how to change oil and tires. I was at a complete loss on how to move forward with this build. 

I knew about a "Jeep Guru" in Salida at Salida Auto and Diesel (https://www.salidaautoanddiesel.com/) named Ty and I stopped in to speak to the owner, Allen, to see what my options were. 

https://www.salidaautoanddiesel.com/

When I spoke to Allan, explained what I had, he advised me to find a 90's model, Dodge 4x4 pickup with a 5.9 in it, and we could use it as a donor, and transfer all of the engine, transmission, and tcase from it and put it in the jeep. We spoke about the budget for the build and what it would cost, and I went on the hunt for the truck. 

I was able to find a 1996 Dodge, 1500, 4x4 that had been wrecked at 65k miles in Santa Fe New Mexico for 2000.00. I contacted the guy and haggled with him and ended up agreeing at 600.00 for the entire truck. I called my Dad to see if he wanted to go get it with me and help me, and the next weekend, we were on the road to Santa Fe to pick it up. THIS was an adventure!!

When we got to Santa Fe, we met with the owner and went to load the truck on the trailer. I wont go into details, but it took us a little over 2 hours to get it on the trailer. We headed home, and a couple of days later, I took it up to Allan and dropped it, and the jeep off. I think this was on Feb 23rd, 2021. 

Since I was now grown out of my Harley life, I decided, through great pain and suffering, to sell my beautiful Lucy. Let me tell you, watching her leave was a really hard day. But, now I had the funds to build this jeep. Goodbye Lucy, you were a great experience and a joy to spend my days with!! I hope I will make this jeep as beautiful as Lucy was....But that will be tough!

The build was a really slow start and once it began, as expected, we were quickly eating up the budget we had spoken about at the beginning. The jeep sat for around 4-5 months before any movement started on it. However, this did give me time to add money to the budget. Like they say "Everything happens for a reason" and this was following suit. 

So, the build began and the Dodge was stripped and life was starting to come back to this old jeep!!

                        The Motor was pulled and tested, all in good working order. 

Fit like a glove...Like it was meant to be there!!

Look at the beautiful thing!!!

New, relocated gas tank out of an 89 Grand Wagoneer.

Skid plate for gas tank. 

Wheels all match with new 32" tires. 

Screw that all wheel drive crap. Locking hubs and shifter to access 4L

New motor mounts!

New exhaust and nice little rumble muffler! 

Took 2 dash clusters and created one... Look at the mileage on there...Almost perfect!! lol!!

New, steel floorpans all the way around! 

The day of its maiden voyage!! What a beauty!!

11-23-2021 I was contacted by Allan and told it was ready for its first test run, and for me to keep it over the Thanksgiving Holiday and drive it to see how I liked it, and find any "issues" that might come up. I went and picked it up and took it for its first mountain ride probably EVER, and its first time back on the road in 10+ years. 

Here is the video of the first walk around.
https://youtu.be/OOrsDaKXy3A 

Here is the video of the 1st drive! This was a good day!!
https://youtu.be/n4Jn1xGBCfM

I was THRILLED!! I contacted Nate, and let him know that it was back on the road and I was going to be down in Colorado Springs on Thanksgiving, and would love for him to come check it out.

In the process of working out the title on this jeep, I had to do some research and get some information on the jeep, and an obituary for Jonathan (or J.R.). At the time, I only knew that Jonathan had passed. I had no idea of when, or how. I did not want to burden Nate with all of this, and with the internet, it wasn't hard to locate the information. 

J.R was killed in a car accident on 9-4-17 in Arizona. as I went through all the information I had found, I really became passionate about makin this a tribute to him and having his memory with me, and this jeep forever. I was really perplexed with how I could do this, but often, I just seem to think too much. 

What I did was find a dogtag and had it engraved with his name, DOB and DOD... I went and got a couple of self tapping screws and brought it with me to meet Nate. 

After Thanksgiving dinner, Nate and his Beautiful wife came and met me at my Sisters house for him to see it, and drive it. This, to me, was THE most important part of this project. I had been waiting for the day for Nate to drive his Brothers jeep again from the day I picked it up!! Nate got in the jeep, and was overwhelmed by memories. He was telling me stories of when he was a kid in this jeep, his Brothers crazy antics in this jeep, and you could tell, it was a really big deal for him. 

And here we are, back like day 1!!

This has to be the best pic of them all. As Nate was sitting here, getting ready to drive off, this is what he was saying...

"I can remember when I was 9 years old, sitting right here on my moms lap, her letting me drive out of the neighborhood"

This was probably the most impacting portion of our drive for me. Watching him be flooded with memories of his childhood. I was all smiles and my heart was full!!

                 He liked the way that motor purrs!!

When we got done with the drive, we got out of the Jeep and he walked over and handed me the keys. I handed him the dog tag, wrapped in plastic, and told him

 "I have been waiting for you to drive this so I could give you this"

He unwrapped the dogtag, and when he realized what it was, was overwhelmed with emotion and then, just like that, he and I both had tears rolling down our cheeks. He tried to apologize for his emotion, but I assured him that wasn't necessary, and gave him a hug. I explained to him that I wanted his Brothers memory to be alive in this build, and to stay with the jeep forever. I gave him a drill, and the tapping screws and told him 

"Put it wherever you like. But put it somewhere that people will see it and can be reminded of him"

He chose the firewall, by the VIN plate. This was a great spot, and any time anyone opens the hood to look for these numbers, they will see Jonathans name. As much as there was, and will continue to be to this build, THIS is the MOST important "mod" on this jeep. I am HONORED to have JR's memory with me everywhere I go!!

Jonathan Ray Lukehart lives on!!

there is still a LOT to do on this jeep, and it is going to only get better. After getting back from Thanksgiving, I tried a trick I read about from "RAT ROD" guys who prefer patina over paint.

I read that those guys use boiled linseed oil to preserve the patina and metal and to give it a "clear coat look"... I gave it a shot, and the results were absolutely AMAZING... See for yourself! Here are some before and after pics!

I am really starting to love this jeep, and I am really excited about the trips ahead, and watching this unfold. This jeep is made up of a 79 Golden Eagle, an 80 Chief, a 96 Dodge, 1500, 4x4, an 89 Grand Wagoneer, and some parts that no one knows where they came from. So, I went to have the title transferred into my name and get it tagged. Because of its age, it qualifies for collector tags, and I paid the extra for personalization of those tags. So, this jeep is now, lovingly known, and advertised by its tags, as, 

"THEMUTT"

I don't know if this is a story about a jeep build, a remembrance, tribute, or simply a soul saving project, but it "IS" and for me its significant and important.

For the first time, in a long time, I am starting to get back to "me" or in reality, "finding my new self"...

 After my break, and my struggles, I will never be the same person I was 5-8 years ago, but I don't want to be either. I don't know I have found "peace" in my pain yet, but I feel like I am finally on the path to get there. 

To those sorry ass people who betrayed and hurt me, who took advantage of my kindness and giving spirit, I hope you see this. I hope you see that even though your shittyness was really damaging, hurtful and horribly selfish of you, I don't forgive, and I will never forget. I am a different human being now as a result of your hurtful acts of betrayal. I will never trust anyone again, I will NEVER let someone so close to me again, and I have no desire to contribute to the betterment of this world any longer...

BUT...... 

I, Like this jeep, and Jonathans memory, LIVE ON!!!

In SPITE of you!!!!