I am not sure this will be easy to read, or easy for me to even write, but I find the anger, spite and disgust in me is growing, slowly, methodically and I fear it could consume all of my thoughts. So, I will put them down here, try to leave them here, and should I ever need to revisit this, I can come back to it.
On 1-11-2022, at around 10:15pm, I got a call from my sister Stacey that my Mother had a stroke, and was on her way to the hospital. She didn't know the extent of the stroke, but that she was in the Emergency ICU.
I immediately jumped up, threw my pants on, told Donna and we were off for our 1.5 hour trip to Penrose Main Hospital in Colorado Springs to stand with my family, for my Mother.
Upon our arrival, we were met at the doors by the "COVID Trolls" who let us know that we had to wear a mask, and due to COVID restrictions, only 1-2 people were allowed to be with Mom. When I walked in to see my mom, she was clearly paralyzed on her left side, had her eyes barely open, was thrashing her right leg and had an involuntary shaking of her right hand. She was moaning with pain and discomfort, and was clearly scared of what was taking place, as were all of us.
After a couple of hours at the ER, there was nothing left we could do, so we went home until we could figure out the extent of the stroke, and what our next actions would be.
The next day, mom was moved to a room, and her restrictions were as follows...
1 person per day, only allowed to be with her from 8am until 8pm. If that person were to leave the hospital, they could not return, and no one else could be in the room with her that day. You must be screened and masked at all times. Our family pulled together, and decided to take shifts to be with mom and stand by her side. However, this was only from 8am until 8pm and all other times, she would be forced to be alone, wake up alone, be afraid alone, be at the mercy of the shitty care of the hospital outside of those times, ALONE.
I'm not sure how many of you have watched a loved one suffer, or die, but let me explain to you, 12 hours of watching your mother, wife, loved one suffer is a HUGE and HEAVY burden. It takes a HUGE toll on you, and when you cant get support from other loved ones, it is exhausting. When we would leave the hospital, not only was it hard to know she would be alone, but when you left the hospital and got into your car, it was like you got hit by a train. At one point, I was so overwhelmed with exhaustion, I was SURE I had caught COVID in the hospital.
On my first shift with my mom, in her private room, out of ICU, was brutal. When I walked in the room, she had thrown up on herself, this black, septic, waste and it was clear to me she had not been taken care of throughout the night. She was unable to move any of the fluid or food intake out of her stomach, so it had just sat there, becoming this black, nasty sewage. I was with her for an hour and a half before the first nurse ever showed her face. In that hour and a half, she was choking and coughing, spitting up and I had to suction her myself. I am sure, had I not been there, the possibility of her laying in that room and slowly choking to death was a real possibility. My first shift was not starting well.
I explained to the nurse when she finally showed up, I wanted to see the charts from the previous night that show the care she received, and the efforts made to roll her from side to side to avoid bedsores. These are things they never gave me and were clearly uncomfortable with my asking about.
My moms condition grew worse, and now I was in the stage of DEMAND for care, telling the nurse, if she could not see there was an issue with what was going on, she needed to get someone more skilled than her to come and assess my mom. At one point, the nurse was on moms right side, a CNA on her left, me at the foot of her bed, and mom started to throw up again. The CNA never even attempted to help, as my mom started to choke, she just stared at her... I threw my arms up, yelled
"WHAT THE FUCK!!!??? GET OUT OF THE WAY"
and pushed the CNA to the side and started to suction my mom. The CNA left in a "huff" and as she did, I said
"Don't come back if you wont care for her"
As the nurse started to take action, it was determined that we needed to get x-rays done. The x-ray tech shows up to pick her up and as she starts to roll her out, says...
"OK Nancy, we don't want you to get COVID, so lets put this mask on you"
A mask? You are going to put a mask on a woman who is partially paralyzed and throwing up? Im no doctor or medical professional, but to me, that is the STUPIDEST SHIT I have ever heard.
Mom said she wanted me to go with her to the x-ray, so I stood by her side, wiping the vomit from her face, throwing the mask off. Each time I would take the mask off, the x-ray tech would stop and put a new one on her. I was really starting to get infuriated, yelling at the tech...
"LETS GO...LETS FUCKING GO!!"
and we continued to the x-ray room, with my mom still throwing up into her "COVID protection mask". At one point, I leaned down to clear moms face and neck and she whispered..
"Brad, I am having a hard time breathing, and I'm starting to panic"
Now, I'm about to crawl out of my skin...Not only is my mom very sick, she is now scared, and I am fucking HELPLESS!!I am so angry now... The Tech stopped on the way back to the room, several times, again, to get her mask on her face. I said...
"This is ridiculous, get her back to her room, quit fucking stopping, she needs to have suction!"
The tech was overwhelmed as well, and we rushed her back to her room where we had suction, and I could adequately care for her, because no one else seemed to give a shit.
It was determined that mom would need and NG tube in her nose, down her throat, to suck the sewage out of her stomach. By this time, my mom is COMPLETELY exhausted, she cant hold her head up, she cant lift her arms, she can barely keep her eyes open, cant speak, she was completely spent and exhausted, almost catatonic, confused, staring off into space, looking "through" me..
When they came in to put the NG tube in, I knew what was coming, and in my frazzled state, I was not going to be able to watch her fight them putting that tube in, so I had to step out. When I did, the emotions overcame me...Anger, fear, disgust, RETRIBUTION, I wanted to fucking kill someone I was so mad!
I walked out of the hospital to call Donna and try and calm myself down. I explained to her there was NO WAY I was going to leave her side at 8pm, that I did not feel she was being cared for properly, and I will have to be drug out of the hospital before I would leave her side. And should they choose to drag me out, it would be a newsworthy event.
After calming myself, I went back and spoke to the Charge Nurse. I explained...
"This is absolutely, in no way, an attack on you or your staff, but I am not comfortable with the level of care my mother is getting and feel that her overnight care is even more inadequate. I am respectfully asking you to call whoever it is you need to call and get the OK for my family to have someone by her side overnight. I have a sister that's a nurse, my father is a retired Chiropractor and EMT, I am an ex EMT with a career in emergency fields and we will honor all the boundaries you ask us to honor, but I cannot, and WILL NOT leave my mother in this state alone."
The nurse made a call, and we got the OK to be with her for 24 hours, again, only one of us for every 12 hour shift, and we could not leave the room at night.
That night, Stacey took the shift, and the struggle continued on with mom throughout the night. Between Stacey and I, and what we had witnessed, we were VERY concerned for Mom and what was going on. I have seen MANY people die, and my mom looked like she was dying.
The next day shift, Dad came in. It was a tough day and shift for him as well, probably more so due to his age, and this being his partner for 59 years. Jeanette took the next night shift, and she had a "bounce back" and Jeanette was able to have a good shift with her, washed her hair, cleaned her up, took some pictures with her, it seemed maybe we were on a good uphill journey. I pulled the next night shift, and it was a fairly quiet night. I encouraged her to sleep, and sponged water into her mouth, gave her ice chips, even sponged a little coffee in her mouth for her, because FUCK THAT HOSPITAL, that's why!
Dad came back for another day shift, and his day shift was, again, not so encouraging, and really, really hard for him. Another thing that was happening is, my dad is partially deaf, and the ridiculous COVID masks muffle language, and take away the ability to see lips move, so much of what the professionals were telling him, my dad struggled to understand. Now, HAD THEY allowed another family member to be in there with him, we could have rectified that situation, but no, COVID is more important than bringing ease to those suffering and struggling to understand. SUCH BULLSHIT!!
The shifts continued, and I have told people who say
"What a rollecoaster ride"
"No, it isn't a rollercoaster, its a wave, and it could crash at ANY time."
Brandi came up from Texas to support and help. We didn't say anything to Mom about her coming, and we wanted it to be a surprise for her when Brandi took a shift to be with her. Brandi pulled her first shift, and it was a pretty great bounce-back, and a good night for Mom and Brandi.
On Friday 1-28-2022, after Brandis Shift with mom, I took the day shift. Mom had a GREAT night with Brandi, and she had a pretty significant "bounce back". Brandi cared for her, bathed her, prayed over her, played soothing Christian songs for her... They had a wonderful night together, and mom expressed her gratitude to Brandi.
I came for the day shift, when I walked in, she looked better, she was talking better, we did the swallow tests with her and the therapist, the PT folks came in, sat her up, did some exercises and cognition testing, she seemed to be doing really, really good...The best I had seen her since all hell broke loose.
Mom was still having an issue with moving her bowels, and she was distended and really uncomfortable, so the Doctor decided to try some kind of "special enema" to get things moving. They administered the enema, and it just seemed to start going downhill from there.
Mom was very uncomfortable, trying to push and strain to get things moving, but she just could not get comfortable. She started to become a bit delusional again, catatonic, and she was just so exhausted. I remember her looking at me and saying "What a mess this all is, huh?" And it just hit me like a baseball bat....
"Yep mom, this is truly a mess..."
I walked out of the room, mom was on her left side, and when I came back in, her eyes were wide open, and she was calling to me as she was staring, scared, at the wall....I ran to her and said
"What's wrong mom"
She pointed to the wall, and whispered...
"Spider Bradley, don't let it get on me"
It was a small, black mark on the wall, and I explained to her it wasn't a spider, and I would not let anything hurt her. I encouraged her to sleep, so she could regain her strength and I went and sat down in the chair. All was quiet, all was calm, and I thought I might be able to catch a quick nap...
As I started to close my eyes, I heard someone enter the room and it was a CNA. She went to moms side, tried to wake her, but mom wasn't waking very easily. The CNA looked at me and said
"I will be right back"
I knew something was going on, so I stood up and out of the way as the room started to fill with people, they were chatting about things and I was unclear as to what was going on. I found myself in a VERY calm state, very relaxed, and no anxiety or fear... I did ask, calmly...
"Can someone please explain to me what's going on so I can understand?"
They had explained her O2 levels were down and they were concerned with what was happening. I then noticed a tremor on moms right side that I, nor anyone else could explain. I didn't want to bother my dad with what was happening just yet, so I reached out to Stacey to tell her something was going on, and I didn't think it was good, and sent her a video of the tremors. Once the tremors started to increase, I knew it was time to call Dad. Luckily, the Doctor came in at about that time, and he was able to update Dad with what was happening.
Things continued to go South, and now they had called the ICU team up for an evaluation of what was happening, and a possible transfer back to the ICU. When the team arrived and started to assess, it shifted hugely again... The staff was trying to get Mom to respond, and called me to the bed. The nurse said
"Ask her a question she would say "NO" to"
I was confused, and couldn't come up with anything, then it hit me... I told her to look at me and said...
"Mom, is Stace in the room?
She nodded yes
"Mom in Nette in the room?"
She nodded yes
"Mom, is Dad in the room?"
She nodded yes...
The nurses spoke among each other and I went back to the corner of the room to get out of everyones way, but I KNEW this was really bad.
I cannot, and will not explain in detail what happened after that. What I experienced, NO ONE should have to relive, so I will not go into specifics of what happened next. What I will say, is I saw the onset of a seizure coming, Mom saw something... And then a massive seizure started.
at 3:02pm, on 1-28-2022 mom started to seize. It was a pretty intense seizure, and she was completely enveloped in it. I stood, quietly in the corner of the room and called out to her, letting her know I was there, letting her know people were working on her, and I started to try and time the seizure.
3 minutes....
5 minutes....
8 minutes....
12 minutes....
The team was working on her, and when they weren't, I was by her side, whispering in her ear, telling her I was there, how much she was loved, how much I LOVED her, trying to bring some comfort to both her, and myself. A Doctor came in and told me they were going to have to intubate her. I knew my mom had a living will, or a DNR, so I asked "Why?" and the Doctor said
"If we don't intubate her, she will die"
I explained her living will/DNR to the Doc and told her
"This is not a decision I can make, you will have to ask my father, let me get him on the phone"
I called my dad, gave the doc my phone, and went back to my mothers side...
18 minutes...
23 minutes...
Something happened that I just couldn't handle. Mom, in her seizure, started spit up, and then choke on it. The nurse was trying to get suction into her mouth, but her teeth were clinched, and he couldn't. The noises she was making were FAR too familiar to me and I stepped out of the room to catch my breath, take a deep breath, move through it, and then I went back to her side. One of the CNA's approached me and asked if I wanted the Chaplain. I was confused?? Last rites, prayer?? What are you talking about?
"No sir, for you..."
"For me?? Hell no, keep those people away from me. The last thing I need right now is some religious, praying freak hovering over me, trying to console me, keep those people away from me, I need to focus on my mom!"
30 minutes...
35 minutes...
42 minutes...
at 3:55pm, they pulled me from her side, and took her to the ICU.
In the timeframe of that seizure, I was trying to keep the family updated with what was happening, and our daughter Brandi got up from her nap, and RAN to my side...She RAN to me to try and offer me comfort, and ease... She got to the room with me for about the last 5-8 minutes of the seizure, was able to stand with me, and FOR me... She was a light that I needed and because of the BULSSHIT COVID restrictions, I had no light to carry me through that horrific hour...
THANK GOD I knew what was taking place, I cannot imagine a family member, unaware of what was happening, would have to experience that alone. It is something that will haunt me for the rest of my days, but I would not have wanted to be ANYWHERE ELSE in the world than by her side, struggle or not, I was where I needed to be! That Brandi was there for me was, well, let me save that for the brighter blog...
After they took me from her side, and put me in the ICU waiting room, I had this very surreal CALM that came over me. I even told Brandi that I found it very odd I was so calm, so gathered, so in tune with all that had happened. I didn't shed a tear, I maintained my professionalism, my alertness and my understanding of what I had just witnessed, shit, I even still had some dark humor to share... For me, I was sure I had just witnessed the END of my Mother. I was so sure, I even said my goodbyes in the room as they took me from her side.
I found a "blessing" it it too... Had this been My sister, or my Father who had just seen what I had seen, they would have been crippled and completely devastated... My Brother in Law Terry was supposed to try and take that shift that day, but woke up with a very sore throat, and again, because of fucking COVID, we thought the worst and didn't want any possible exposure to mom. Had Terry been there, I cant imagine what that would have done to him... I felt so blessed to,
1. Be there by my moms side and comfort her,
2. NO ONE else had to witness what I just witnessed.
I have been exposed to a LOT of brutality in my life, so my shoulders were the best to carry that weight!
As the family started to show up, and we started to get more details, I started to feel the weight, I started to become angry, short, intolerant for anything less than what I WANTED TO HEAR!
The decision was made to keep her intubated until the damage from the seizure could be assessed. By this point, I was pretty overwhelmed, and burdened by what had taken place, and what they had said would be the efforts to move forward...
"Pull her slowly out of the coma tomorrow, see if she seizes, if she does, put her back in coma, reassess..."
To me, all this did was bring back what I had just experienced, and the THOUGHT of my Dad, or ANY of my family seeing that was just more than I could handle. I explained to my family that I was "over my limit" and I could not be in that hospital, or around people anymore and I was driving home. I had to get away from it all, get in my own head, get some windshield time, process what I had just experienced... BREATHE!!!!
When I got home, Opie was so overjoyed to see me and I just embraced him and sobbed... Donna wasn't far behind me, and when she came in, I told her that I needed to get in the shower and get the smell of that day off of me... All I could smell was that hospital, and that day... It was overpowering!
I went to sit on the side of the tub to undress, and it started to hit me... I started to get cold, get the shakes, became uneasy on my feet, light nausea... I was very aware that I was in shock... I had all of the signs and signals of it, and I just needed to have Donna with me, and BREATHE my way through it.
As I sat there, managing it, I explained FULLY to Donna what I had experienced, what I had seen... I told her, through sobs and tears, I could not go through that again, and I didn't want ANY of my family exposed to that. I told her I was concerned because no one knows the extent of what I saw in that seizure, and choices would be made without that knowledge, and I didn't want to have to tell my family the details. I explained to her that I knew what my moms wishes were, and I knew with all of my heart, she would not want anyone to see that.
As I told her this, I started to sob and cry again, this time, it was "turning on" and I took a deep breath, and walked into the shower and just let the hot water run over me as I gasped for air, and struggled with breathing, legs and knees shaking uncontrollably as I tried to gather myself... I think that shower lasted 45 minutes... The "shock" passed and I was able to get a few hours of sleep throughout the night, but early, I got a call from my sisters...
I could go on and on about the ridiculousness of that hospital, and my DISGUST of the medical industry; how they gathered and presented information, how little they knew of my Mom and her medical history, shit, even how long she had been in the hospital. Let me just say, communication is NOT their strong point in any form or fashion, and the crossing of information was, once again, another continuing blow of fear and misinformation.
My sisters called and said the hospital was going to remove life support from mom, so, again, I'm back in the jeep, Donna by my side, on that 1.5 hour track back to Colorado Springs to face the inevitable.
I get to the hospital, and meet with my dad and sisters, and they go over the details they were given. Apparently, the idiot that called and said they were unplugging her was just that, AN IDIOT and didn't have all of the information. My god, how much trauma can one hospital subject a family to before its unethical, immoral, or just flat out UNCARING!?
The direction that was going to be taken was basically the same as the night before, however, my father would be the ONLY one allowed in the room as they took these actions, alone, no support, half deaf and unable to understand people... So, I tried to explain to my family what I had experienced, without explaining to my family what I had experienced.
"I just want you to know, I support whatever choice you make Dad, but I have to say this, I have to get this out... NO ONE sitting in this room saw what I did last night, and I assure you, you don't want to see what I saw last night. Not only that, Mom would not want you to have to go through what we went through last night. I do NOT want to offer details of that experience, and am asking for you to trust me when I tell you, its going to be HORRIFIC for you if you have to have that experience alone dad."
I told them I stand by dad, no matter his decision, but I wanted them to know, they were not witness to what I was witness to. Dad said he understood, but this was the direction the doctors were offering, and he felt he would follow their advice. He wanted to see if they could do as they said and
"get her back to where she was before the seizure"
I reminded him that from the time of the stroke, to the time of the seizure, where mom "was" was not so bright. We had mostly really rough days with a few sprinkles of "lucky charms" that offered us a little light, and this too should be considered. He agreed to think about it, and we left the hospital, as COVID restrictions wouldn't allow anyone but Dad in the room with her anyway.
The Hospital also told Dad that they did not recognize "right to die" laws, as they were a "Catholic based Hospital'...
This shit sent me through the roof. Don't use your fucking religion to justify action that make YOU feel good. Tell me, where in Catholicism does it say that families should be separated in the times of their most horrific crisis? I am a REFORMED Catholic, but I do seem to recall, part of the Catholic Doctrine is to do all one can to KEEP FAMILIES TOGETHER... Don't spout your religious bullshit to me and justify yourself by that religion... You friggin hypocrites...
One of the MANY reasons I have absolutely no use of, belief, or care for organized religion. It is the downfall of God in my opinion. Hypocritical pieces of shit who use their religion, and twist it to suit their needs. Your "Hollier than thou" shit only aggravates me more, FUCK YOU and your "GOD"!!"
I left the hospital, heavily burdened by what might be coming next for us...
That night, we all had dinner and then went to bed. I was up until 5am that next morning, riddled with emotions and concern. At 7:30, Stacey called me, told me Dad wanted me and Jeanette to come to the house and discuss some things. I told Stacey to get the coffee going, and we would be on our way.
When we got there, Dad did what I knew he would do.... Sit, consider the situation, think of moms wishes, and re-evaluate what was taking place.
Dad had their living wills in hand and explained he had gone over them again, and found that moms direct wishes were conflicted with the actions we had taken, or were about to take. She wanted no intravenous feeding, and no intubation.
Dad and Moms living will were exactly the same, so Stacy asked Dad..
"If that was you laying in that hospital like that, what would you want US to do?"
As a loving, connected, unified, and bonded family, we all agreed to honor moms wishes, and remove her from the life support she was on. We had seen her labs, and it was clear her body was shutting down, her kidneys and liver were starting to fail, and the inevitable was just "moments" away, and in those moments, we would be honorable to our mother, and honor her final wishes she had lined out, signed, and dated... It was time to take all life support measures off.
We did also agree, we would not be limited by ANY restrictions to be by our Mothers side in her final moments. We started to work on plans to transfer her out of that hospital to ANY location that would allow us to be with her when we took her off life support.
Fortunately, the hospital agreed to allow all the family, to include spouses and grandkids to be in the room with her as we removed life support.
Once we had the time lined out, and everyone notified, we did just that... We rallied to her side, unified, loving, connected, TOGETHER, said our goodbyes, and they extubated her, removed her breathing tubes and feeding lines.
I will stop here, because this is where the darkness LEFT our experience. I will capture the LIGHT in another blog, to share the blessings of this event.
I am so disgusted with how families are being kept from each other in such times of crisis and suffering. I find it disgusting that the medical field claims the oath of "Do No Harm" because they are definitely DOING HARM. I think that "oath" and the word "ethics" should be taken from the medical establishment lingo. They do NOT appreciate or honor either of these. Those who support, or enforce such ridiculous policies should be ashamed of themselves, I hope, one day, they will answer to these atrocities! You have done more harm to people and families than can ever be captured. Its disgusting, and I am disgusted with anyone who supports such horrible actions. ANYONE who supported and activated policies to keep families separated, and those suffering to be left alone in that horror are horrible people. It should be a criminal what administrations and hospitals did to separate families in these times. It should be criminal, and EVERY person who promoted and pushed out these policies should be charged as criminals!!
Rest in Peace my beautiful, kind and loving mother. My love will only grow for you in your absence. We will miss you terribly, and the world will never be as bright as when you were in it! I love you Momma! You did a great job Mom.... Thank you for loving me and being the glue that held us all together; we will never forget you and all you built!!
No comments:
Post a Comment