As hard as it was to watch my mother pass away, I am so riddled with the blessings that came from the experience, I felt I needed to document those, and share them. Some might find the words below difficult, but I hope you see past those places, and can focus on the LIGHT that came from the experience. I only share MY experience of blessings, but there were MANY others that took place with my family.
After the life support was removed, magic really started to unfold, but even prior to that, there were things to recognize that were true blessings.
After 2 years as an EMT, 10 years as a street cop, and another 15 years working with abused, abandoned, and neglected children, I took a step to try and move away from the tragedies of injured children, and took a position as a Social Worker in a Long Term Care Facility, working with families at end of life. I have seen so many deaths, many, many brutal and tragic deaths, and a few truly beautiful ones. What I was witnessing with my family, for me, was TRULY beautiful.
Lets start on the day of the removal of life support, but let me give a little background of things that transpired prior to that event.
My Daughter Brandi and I have had several tough years with each other. At one point, we were inseparable, tighter than a glove, bonded, connected, we had a truly beautiful connection . Then, as life does, things changed, events happened, and we started to become more distant. This took place over a 10 year time period. It got to a point where I really didn't even want to be around her and felt like she really didn't want to be around me. I figured it was just "life" and kids outgrow their parents and take on their own life.
I have had 3 diagnosis of severe PTSD, therapies, suffering, nightmares, struggles. I wont go into the details of what my suffering entailed(s), but what I found was, people just seem to make life harder, and people who "don't like me" I just separated myself from completely. I can say, when I decided to give up the bottle(searching for numbness) and eliminate MOST people from my life, keep my interactions with them as "surface" interactions, I was able to start getting my life back. Brandi and I just weren't getting along and I decided she too would be someone I would distance myself from for my safety and well being. I have no desire for drama, or conflict in my life anymore. If people don't like me, I am no longer chasing them for their friendship... It just isn't worth my time anymore, and most times, only offered disappointment and heartache. My past life of being social and outgoing are now replaced by antisocial and a separation from conflict anytime it arises. The distance from people offers me a much greater feeling of "safety".
Me and Brandis "conflict" was much deeper than just "surface interactions" and that is another thing I feel no need to go into depth here on. Lets just say, we were dealing with each other more out of a "have to" than a "want to".
Once mom got into a private room, we started taking shifts with Mom. Brandi stated she wanted to come up from Texas and be supportive of the family, and pull some shifts with mom. Brandi is a Physical Therapist, and I felt her experience and expertise would be something very beneficial for Mom, so I agreed to have her come and help out. I was moved by her willingness to jump onboard and help us manage these shifts and offer her professionalism to what we were facing.
When Brandi got here, she took a day at my house in the mountains, and then came down to Colorado Springs to get in on the shifts, and offer support to the family.
On Tuesday, 1-25-2022, Brandi took the night shift with Mom. We didn't tell mom she was coming, so when she got there, it was a huge surprise for Mom. Mom was unable to speak at that time, her throat was so sore, and she just struggled to get the words out. But, She was able to express her gratitude to Brandi.
I got to the hospital at 8:00am, on 1-26-22, went up to relive Brandi, and Mom looked GREAT, she was talking better, she was holding her head up, I could actually hear her when she spoke, she was doing great with her swallowing therapy, as well as her sitting up, physical therapy. I was excited to have a great, positive day with mom.
That didn't last long...
This was the day when the seizure happened, and I don't need to go into those details, they are detailed in another blog, I want to capture the LIGHT here, not the darkness.
When moms seizure started, I reached out to the family to let them know what was going on. At appox 20 minutes into the seizure, Brandi texted me..
"Were on our way to be with you"
It didn't quite hit me at the time, I was pretty consumed with the seizure and trying to understand what was going on, next steps, comforting mom, etc... But, through all of our distance, all of our separation, all of our hardships, Brandi was RUNNING to be by my side as I managed this alone.
At 3:55, they forced me to leave my Mothers side, she was still seizing. At around 3:45, Brandi made it to the room with me, and stood by my side with mom, comforting me, comforting mom with me, and was just THERE for me through this really horrific portion of this entire mess. She RAN to be by my side, RAN to be there for me, RAN to support and love me as I suffered, watching my mother in this massive, ongoing seizure.
In reflection, I cannot think of anything more loving, caring and compassionate. I cannot think of any time I "needed" someone to stand with me through anything, and on this day, at probably one of the darkest moments of my entire life, Brandi was the light that walked into the room to stand by, and with me through this.
In this period of my life, I was so deep in my PTSD and the disconnection from the girls, there was NOTHING they could have ever SAID to me that would make me believe they cared for, or loved me at all. I would have marked it up to pacifying me out of respect for their Mother.
BUT THIS!!??
How in the world could I discount such actions from Brandi? I am one, especially anymore, words mean NOTHING to me. People constantly lie, bullshit, fabricate, make up shit to say so that they can "look good" or simply bullshit their way through life. It is ACTIONS that speak the loudest to me, it is ACTIONS that I pay attention to now for ascertaining the legitimacy of people. Ones actions speaks VOLUMES above words, and Brandis actions to run to me that day were like a megaphone in my ear... I was not just overwhelmed with the experience I just had with my mom, I was overwhelmed with the commitment to me, and my struggle in that moment, and her efforts to stand by me, with me, and for me! Her love for me was something I didn't think I would ever see again.
That night, once I got to a point where I could process all that had taken place, I sent Brandi a thank you for standing by me, and being there for me. In that conversation, she said some things to me that, well, I really never thought I would ever hear.
The details of that conversation are only truly important to she and I, and I have no desire to share that here. Lets just say, we made amends, we "cleared the slate" and agreed to "start over" and work to get back to who we were before I left Texas.
For me, this was MONUMENTAL. I had come to the conclusion that I was unimportant to the girls, more of a burden than a blessing, and I was separating myself from them, little by little, to avoid anymore suffering of that loss. It has been a HEAVY weight on me for the last 8-10 years, I have spent more time with the loss of the girls than not (in my head, heart, and soul), and it was so painful, so hurtful, so dark and even angry for me. I was trying to protect myself from any more trauma, and knew that if I distanced myself slowly, I would avoid that suffering and could distance myself from any connection to further suffering.
In my time of reflection, I had an epiphany...
My mother had an amazing superpower. She has always been one that has brought loved ones together, she was always able to get people past their differences, and find the love they had for each other again. She wasn't always successful, but she was always successful at getting the connection done. Some people just enjoy hating each other and holding on to spite... I have a few that were in my life that I find this enjoyment in as well..
What I realized was, even in the time of my Moms greatest suffering, she was still pulling family together, reconnecting them, helping them find the value they are to each other. My mom was still creating magic!!
A day passed, and my father, my sisters and I, went back to my moms living will and found we had exceeded her wishes, she wanted no intubation, no intravenous feeding, and did not want the measures we had taken to happen. As a loving, connected, unified and supportive family, we realized it was our DUTY to honor Moms wishes and remove her from life support.
We worked out the details with the hospital, and they allowed all of us to be there when they extubated her. As many people know, and many others DONT know, removing life support does not mean that the person is going to die right then and there. Some will quietly drift off to oblivion, others may hang on for a bit. We were all going to be there, all be able to say our goodbyes, all be able to support and love each other, and love and support Mom as she started to take those "next steps" to whatever happens after this brutal, and cruel life we live.
As we were leaving the house to go to the hospital, Jeanette asked me if I had a grateful stone to give mom. Because of my PTSD, my breakdown, and my new "take" on life, I quit carrying a grateful stone with me. However, I did have something that was pretty special.
When Brandi left Kerrville to go to Ft Worth for Med School, she made Donna and I some little angels out of beads, a paperclip, and some paracord. I have kept it as a "dangle" in my vehicles since she gave it to me, and I had it in my jeep. I went out to my jeep, got the angel, asked Brandi if she was OK with it (she was) and we all started to head to the hospital. My siblings, our spouses, my father, Brandi and her husband John.
We got to the ICU, and after some formalities, we were brought to the room, and they extubated mom. She was still breathing, and she was maintaining her oxygen level, and we all took our turns to say our goodbyes, comfort her, love on her, kiss and hug her... She was still in her induced coma..
When my turn came, I grabbed Brandis hand, put the angel in Moms hand, and then Brandi and I held her hand together.
My mother was very clear of my struggles with Brandi, my heartache, my suffering... My Mother was probably the one person on this planet where I felt no stress telling her the depths of my suffering, so she knew well what was going on with Brandi and I, and how deeply it impacted me, and hurt my soul.
As we all held hands, I leaned down and whispered in Moms ear...
"Mom, I know you cant close your hand, but that is an angel Brandi made for me 10 years ago. That is also me and Brandis hand holding yours. I want you to know that Brandi and I have made amends and agreed to start over, get back to where we were, and that is ALL because of YOU. I also want you to know there are 10 people in this room with you, all of us here to show you love, and support, and I hope you know mom, THIS IS WHAT YOU CREATED!"
I was only 2-3 inches from her face as I was telling her this, and as I did, I saw tears running down her cheek....Mom was crying! SHE HEARD ME!!!
I will tell you, I had prepped myself for just about anything that would take place in that room. I have seen HUNDREDS of people die. I have seen some extremely tragic, I have seen some that were horrific, and I have seen a few that were beautiful, so I thought I was ready...And after the hour long seizure I was with her for, shit, there wasn't anything that could rock me now...
But tears? My mom crying?
THAT I was NOT prepared for, and it almost made my legs collapse out from under me... I was absolutely shocked!
As the rest of the family started to see her tears, we gathered around her again, speaking to her, and then, another amazing thing happened...
My mom pulled herself from that induced coma, she drug herself from that darkness, and she opened her eyes. She opened her eyes and looked around the entire room, at each of as, as if to acknowledge us all, telling us she knew we were there, thanking us for being by her side, and that she was aware of what was taking place. This lasted for about 2-3 minutes, then she closed her eyes and went back into her coma.
I was not prepared for this, I was overwhelmed with so many different emotions, I was once again, IN SHOCK!
Mom held on in the ICU for about an hour, and then it was time for Hospice to come and take over. They moved her from that cold, drab, industrial style room to the Hospice floor. A floor with amazing views of Pikes Peak (One of my mothers favorite views) a couch, chairs, and NO RESTRICTIONS.
From this point on, until her last breath, there was never less than 2 of us with her, and often times it was 5 or more with her. We were by her side every second, until her last, and then, even into several minutes after her passing.
Since mom was hanging on, and Shanna was worried about my well being, I found a nice quiet place to facetime with Shanna and go over what took place. Shanna had stated she wanted to be there with us, so we got her on a flight the next day to come be with family, and say her goodbyes to Mom. For Donna and I, this was a huge relief for us to have her with us.
Mom hung on, and was in Hospice for 2-3 days (I just cant remember for sure right now, as I type this, dates, times, days, none of them have any significance, and my head is still very hazy and scattered from all of this), and let me tell you, what I experienced in that time was truly magical, loving, caring, connected, bonded, it was every bit of LOVE one could want in their final days, and moments.
I explained to my family how blessed we were to have this unfold like it was unfolding. In my experience of people dying, it was VERY, VERY rare to see families unified, bonded, connected....
So very often, there is drama, fighting, arguing, bitterness, hate, ugliness, separation. It was always part of my mission as a social worker in that LTC facility to help families push those aside and rally to the sides of their loved ones in their final moments. It was something that I wasn't always successful at, but in the times I was, it was a beautiful thing, it was a moment where at the final breath, the loved one passing would be surrounded by care, love, compassion, connection... And again, this was the "exception" and not the "rule" for these events.
Over the next 2-3 days, ALL I saw was LOVE, CARE, COMPASSION, CONNECTION, SUPPORT from each and every one of us.
Dad would sit by moms side, rub her face, tell her stories of their life together. Tell her how special she was, how much he loved their life together, how much he loved and cared for her. It was a wonderful experience, with some stories we had never heard before.
Jeanette, who doesn't manage these types of things well at all, was a true rockstar. She was by her side, washing her hair, fixing it, speaking to her, loving her, rubbing her shoulders. Nette overcame her struggle in this, and replaced it with the love she had for Mom...It was beautiful.
Stacey was always right at her bedside, comforting her, loving her, talking to her. She was such a champ, so caring, so loving... She had a "glow" around her and Mom when she was with her.
Brandi was never far from her side; doing her fingernails, painting her toenails, speaking to her, praying over her, playing "Jesus songs" for her. As I watched Brandi care for her, it just filled my heart with love. Not only for mom, and Brandi, but for the human being I was able to see in Brandi, a part of her I had not witnessed before. Gave me great pride to know she is in the field she is. She has found her calling!
Donna was back and forth, to her side, holding her hand, loving on her, being with her. I watched Donna with mom and was just filled with memories of the love my Mom had for Donna, how much she cared for her, loved her as her own.
John, what a trooper! He was there every step of the way, offering Brandi support, being there for the family, eager to do ANYTHING he could to help. As long as I have known John, it was through this time and experience I REALLY saw the great human being he is.
Terry and Mark stayed in the room with her, spent their time with her. Mark is another one who you could see how he had found his calling, and Terry was the loving son my mother had always accepted him as. She loved him dearly, he knew it, and he loved her back equally.
Shanna made it in time to be with her, stay with her, say her goodbyes, be with her, as well as be with all of us in this terribly difficult time. To have her here with all of us was another true blessing. Her support for Donna and I was definitely something that was helpful for us. Shanna's heart has always been so big, so giving. It has always infuriated me to see her heart taken advantage of by shitty people, and here, I was able to see her heart fully, without any threat of harm to her for expressing it.
Me; I made sure I touched her face, kissed her, moistened her mouth, applied Chapstick to her, told her I loved her, told her how much she was loved... I had said my goodbyes to Mom when I left her side from the seizure, I was confident at that time, it would be the last time I saw her alive. I had made my peace with her passing, and now, I was simply trying to provide love and comfort to her as she started her journey to whatever is next.
I found myself constantly flooded with emotion as I was a spectator in that room. I was moved to tears so many times, just witnessing the love she was shown, the care she was given by those who loved her so much. At times, all I could do was sit there quietly and just take in the love and care for her... It was a truly magical experience. Out of all of the deaths I had witnessed, I had NEVER seen something so beautiful as what I saw with my Mom.
May we all be so blessed to be so loved, so cared for, and so adored in our final days and moments. I still, as I type this, can FEEL in my SOUL the love and energy in that room (and she passed away 18 days ago now).
On 1-30-22, I made my way to Hospice, with a "weird" feeling. I entered my moms room, and noticed that she was very jaundiced, her breathing had changed, and it just FELT like this was the day.
We had all worked different schedules to be with her, but Jeanette, Stacey, Dad and I all confessed, we had a "feeling" that day, and we were all there together with her for several hours that day. Not much change had taken place, and I was just exhausted, tired of that damn hospital, and needed a break.
I decided to go back to Jeanette's and take a nap, relax... I got to her house, got in my PJ's, sat down to watch TV, and in about 20 minutes, I had this OVERWHELMING feeling of "Why the fuck am I here? I need to be at the hospital!"
I texted Donna and said "Let me know when she is getting close" and donna quickly responded, "She is close babe"....
I could FEEL IT...I could actually FEEL she was getting close! I had told Donna before I left the house "Dont tell mom to wait for me"
I got my jeans on, and started to head back to the hospital. I wasn't panicked, and I wasn't really "rushed" but I was making my way back quickly. I was driving West on Austin Bluffs Pkwy, and I can still see it clearly...
I was at the top of the hill, just going past the college. I had a newer model F250 next to me and I was passing him to get to the turn lane coming up at Nevada.... And right there, I felt it... I felt her go.... I knew right there, she was gone...
As I got to the hospital, I sped into the parking lot, and noticed 2 people standing off to the side, trying to avoid my erratic behavior to get parked, then I realized it was my Dad, and my BIL Mark...
I knew...
I got out, said "Is she gone?" and they told me she was. I walked up, hugged Dad, let him cry with me for a minute, and then he said
"You need to go up there and say your goodbyes"
I walked into the hospital, went to the screening area, didn't even bother with a mask, and started to jog to the elevator... The first time in 20 days not one person said anything to me about a mask!
I entered moms room, and the rest of my family was gathered around Mom, crying, Jeanette at her side... I got there at 7:20, she passed at 7:06... Reflecting back, that put me at just where I felt her go... So, I know it wasn't just a "feeling", I knew...I FELT it! And again, in reflection, how can a person NOT feel the life that gave you life, leave this existence?
As I entered the room, took off my glasses, and my hat, rushed to her side, and basically fell over her, hugging her, crying, sobbing, telling her I was sorry for not being there as she left. I sat by her side, grabbed her hand, put it up to my face to feel her caress just one last time. I could feel she was already getting cold and I told her,
"I guess you just figured I had seen too much Momma, travel easy, I love you, and always will"
I spent a few minutes in the room, with the family, and then, I had enough. She was gone, I had NO USE for that hospital, or anyone in it anymore. I wanted to RUN from that place and hoped I would never have to return to it. It was a long, quiet drive back to.... Man, as I sit here, trying to remember, I cant... I cant remember the trip from the hospital much, where I went, what was said... Its completely blank in my mind...
Most of everything after that, I am still in a haze about. However, the BEAUTY in her passing was something I will fondly remember for the rest of my days.
I do remember learning this was the first time Shanna, Brandi, or John had ever seen someone die. I explained to them how blessed they were to have such a loving, caring, and compassionate first experience. I explained to them this was not how things usually go, with all the deaths I have seen, this was the most loving, connected, caring and beautiful one I had ever seen.... Just like my Momma.
I explained to Shanna that this would probably not be her last experience, but now, she has seen what is beautiful in it, and how to create and stand for that beauty for the next person you will be so honored to stand by in their final moments, to BE that, to CREATE that, and to help others understand how important it is.
My Mother was a BEAUTIFUL soul in this world. As her son, I can say, even through the times where she would drive me crazy as "mothers do" she always loved me, and mine with all she had. She cared for people, she cared for life, she cared for those less fortunate, she cared for all living things, and in her final moments, in her final days, the love she gave all of us, we were happy AND proud to offer her that back.
Its hard for me to grasp all of the blessings that happened in those final days, and final moments, but my Momma went out the same way she lived....With love, care, and compassion.
May we all be so blessed to be surrounded by such love, such care, such compassion in our final days, and final moments. There was nothing in those days given her from us, she didn't deserve...And we gave all we had back to her in those days, honoring her life, her spirit, and who she was in this world. I know as she took those steps into whatever is next, she did so with pride in her family, and completely filled with love and care.
I will miss being your Birthday Fairy, your dark humored, outlandish, big hearted, and caring Son, who you always met with a smile, a hug, and a sadness when I left, EVERY TIME.... You were always the one who loved me the most, and I will miss that for the rest of my days Momma... I hope that someday, we will see each other again, but if not, know I will never forget who you were in this world, and to those you loved in this world, as well as the next...
I will miss being your Birthday Fairy, your dark humored, outlandish, big hearted, and caring Son, who you always met with a smile, a hug, and a sadness when I left, EVERY TIME.... You were always the one who loved me the most, and I will miss that for the rest of my days Momma... I hope that someday, we will see each other again, but if not, know I will never forget who you were in this world, and to those you loved in this world, as well as the next...
Rest Easy Momma, thank you for all the life you gave me, thank you for bringing Brandi and I back together, and all the joy you gave me in this life... your final gift to this world was bringing love! I know I will never have that kind of love again, there is no love like a mothers love!
Thank you for the kind words Karen.
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