I really do hate the holidays. I enjoy getting together with family for a meal, and opening gifts, but all of the bullshit around the Holidays is just that, BULLSHIT! The stress of getting the "right" gift, the money, the expectation, the lines at the stores, the shitty attitude people; its all so ridiculous. I mean really, there is a reason suicide deaths increase in the Holiday Season.
I yelled at him to stop with the Christmas Music as it wasn't even Thanksgiving yet. He walked into my office with a smirk on his face and said...
"OH, you are one of THOSE people"
"Yes, I am one of THOSE people, so quit with the cheery bullshit. I am the Grinch, and Christmas SUCKS!"
For probably close to 10 years now, I have slowly morphed more into the Grinch over the Christmas Holidays to the point now, I have shirts and other props I wear all month in protest (and a little fun).
The Coroner smiled and said
"Oh, you are going to get it now then"
"Bring it youngster, I aint skeered!"
"Don't you touch my tree!"
Rookies... just tell me where to start, huh?
And he walked out of my office, down the hall, singing Christmas carols.
I went to lunch, and when I came back, the Coroner had pasted Santa pics all over my office, and turned all of my TV's in my Operations Center to Christmas Music..
So???
ITS ON!!!
Once first blood was drawn, I went into prank mode.
I went to the dollar store and got a few 1.00 elves, some food coloring, a couple of ornaments, and some other goodies.
I had a plan, and I wanted to start with the fun on 12-1.
I took a plastic knife, stuck it through the elves chest, covered the elf and the knife in red food coloring, wrapped in in news paper, with a note...
"HO HO HO, EAT SHIT!
You had better stop with all the Christmas music and cheer, or the other elves get the same! Keep your cheery celebrations to yourself.
Sincerely,
The Grinch, Ph.D.
Xmas spoiler and overall bad guy
PS... Call the cops, and the jolly fat bastard in the red suit gets the same"
And I sent it out in the mail. I had gotten a tracking number, so I could be sure he got the package, and continue the prank.
I also got a couple of ornaments, one was a Santa, and one was a Santa with a little window in it so you could add a picture. I found a picture of The Grinch hitting Santa in the head, and I put it on the ornament. The other one, just a Santa, I put 2 bullet holes in his chest, one in his head, covered it in red food dye and then put both in his tree, hidden...kinda...
The week went on, and I never heard anything from Dave (the coroner) about the package, so I went to check the tracking number, and the one I had was to another package I had sent my daughter. There was no way to know when, or if, the package got there.
The next week, Dave found the ornaments and the little pranks continued. He did little things, I would have a picture of santa somewhere in my work area, hidden, music down the hallway...Nothing major. I was waiting for the package to arrive so I could carry out my idea.
The Dispatchers heard of the fun, decided they wanted in on it, so they made about 100 copies of The Grinch face and plastered them all over the building. I found a kids coloring stocking and took advantage. I killed and hung frosty, then hung the stocking with his kids drawings on his wall in his office.
Dave then went and decided to get the Dispatchers, as well as me, back....He and his team wrapped and decorated our vehicles.
I went to lunch and found the inside of my vehicle wrapped.
Then, when I returned, I found my desk was decorated, and on my work computer screen, there was SANTA PORN as my wallpaper!! There were also two, uncapped syringes on my keyboard with some brown liquid in them.
I immediately protested and told him anything that could get us reprimanded for was too far! (Actually, I was upset because I allowed Donna to convince me to go easy, keep it clean, don't hurt the baby Jesus, or the wise men... I generally am the one to push limits!)
He laughed and carried on about it, making light of the situation. I found out that he had gotten the package from a slip-up he made when talking about all the edgy-ness, so now, I could continue on with my prank.
I dismembered an elf, and hid the body parts around his office.
That day, he came in, found the elf parts, but couldn't find the elf head. He came into my office several times looking for it, asking for it... Then he had his 4 year old daughter come into my office with an elf torso and asked
"Whewre is da head" (in her best Cindy Lou voice)
While she caressed the dismembered body of the elf.
Of course, I denied any knowledge of this terrible slaughter, but they still could not find the head....
It wasn't far.....
A few days had passed, I was in my office, I heard the door close to my Command Center Room and when I entered, it was the Assistant County Manager walking in.
Im still new here and I think she is still trying to feel me out. She is generally all business with me. We have not joked with each other, and the first meeting I had with her, she misheard something I said, and thought it was something inappropriate... I know, shocker...But I actually hadn't said what she thought I had. The point is, she has always been pretty serious and direct with me.
When she walked in, she said
"I need to talk to you"
And since we just had a major storm that affected the County, Grant stuff going on, timecard stuff going on, security stuff going on...It could have been anything. So I invited her in, and she said...
"I just came from IT, and I need to discuss some inappropriate internet searches on your work computer."
My stomach turned, my butt puckered and my shoulders slumped over while I was trying to figure out how I was going to explain this without burning anyone.
As soon as she saw my shoulders drop, she busted out laughing..
"I tried, I just couldn't keep a straight face....I tried though"
So, Dave had gone and explained to her what happened, just in case, then enrolled her to take part in the prank... I have to admit, THIS impressed me...
But now, its NO HOLDS BARRED!!
I had found a Santa and a Rudolph at the goodwill store, as well as a Barbie and Little Orphan Annie doll. I gathered them all up and put together this little scene for his desk...
The day went on, and later in the afternoon, I was out for a walk, and when I returned, Gene told me there was a Deputy looking for me. I went to dispatch and found the Deputy and she said
"I have some civil papers to serve you"
I knew immediately and said...
"F%$k you, and your civil papers....I aint falling for this bullshit again!!"
She started to laugh and gave me an envelope. This was inside...Read it closely...Its funny!!
I went to jack with Dave about it, he was gone, but his staff showed me this...
They made a proper coffin for the elf... LOL!!!
On our days off, I would make sure I would send some dark images to Dave... I sent these with a text...
"This is on your conscience, not mine!"
These texts went on throughout the prank...
I came in on Monday, before Christmas, and this is what I found... Christmas music on all my TV's, My door was wrapped, my desk, and every item on my desk was wrapped (every ITEM) with little notes planted throughout.
In one of the boxes was gifts....
He wrapped EVERYTHING!!
And also left some little pictures and saying in the things wrapped!
So, to keep with my original mailing portion of the prank, another elf must die!!
I took another elf, cut open his chest, pinned him open, covered him in red food coloring, stuck a knife through his head, removed his heart (a mini marshmallow covered in red food coloring...Couldn't get a pic of the heart, but it was PERFECT!!
Put the heart in the box, and pinned the elf to his door and the heart in the box on his desk with a note...
"The Grinch doesn't have a heart...Now neither does this punk elf!"
One of the things that seemed to follow me from my Law Enforcement days were pranks. Those pranks, over the years, outside of the Emergency Fields, have never been as accepted by "regular" people as they did from emergency folks. I have gotten in hot water a few times over my pranks, one time, it was even physical.
After having these issues with vanilla, crybaby, little bitches who cant take a joke and offend when the wind blows an opposite direction I cut WAY back on playing pranks. I was able to get away with a couple of good ones when I worked for Child Welfare, but this type of pranking is LEGIT and would never fly in the "vanilla default world"!!!
I am coming up on 1 year working here, back in the realm of emergency services, and although I feel a little detached from the "changes" that have taken place over my absence, I really do feel like I am back where I belong.
I guess people who have never truly faced the darkness of the world cant find humor in dark jokes and pranks.
I find it silly, comical, and really sad that people would, and DO, get offended by things like this...And not a "little" offended, like "Im going to complain to every person who will listen" offended....Try to get you in trouble "offended" and even what disciplinary action taken against you because they were soooooo offended.
THIS is fun...Good, clean, DARK and hilarious FUN... I really am happy to be back with people like this, and have a bit more distance from those who aren't.
I am THE GRINCH!! Get over it sensi-tards, and if you cant take a joke??? Well, you know the rest!!!
Far too much.....far too much time on your hands. Looks like it was great fun! Proves there is no value in taking yourself way too seriously!
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