I remember when my truth was to go out and make a difference, make an impact, support and help others, fight the wolves and predators and be the stand for those who cannot stand for themselves. To love deeply, chase life with passion, be a "good person" and do my best to be "honorable" in my efforts towards connections (both personal, and professional), loyal to those I cared about, try to help others help themselves. I can reflect and still see, and feel the joy in those pursuits and the people it impacted, even outside of my immediate reality. But ultimately, what difference does it really make in the big picture of it all? NONE!
In my life, I have always found value in loyalty, compassion, being honest, forgiving, accepting, sacrifice for others. I had these events in my life that created these important qualities and defined, for me, what I thought life should look like.
At the age of 53, as I reflect, I find so much of it is an illusion.
Loyalty is only present while its convenient for, or serves, the individual. When stepping outside of that distinction and one finds they are served better, they abandon loyalty to serve themselves. I can say, I have been guilty of the same thing, but I set limits for myself that I wouldn't cross. Those who were really important to me, I would sacrifice my self desires to maintain that loyalty and give up things that served me to maintain loyalty and connection. However, I found this to be very one sided, apparently, not many people embrace this value the way I do, and in that space, I have been betrayed. In that betrayal, I was also made the "bad guy" because those who betrayed me refuse to own their shortcomings and try to assign the blame to me, attack me, belittle me, judge me. Loyalty is a trait of convenience, and is truly an illusion.
Compassion is something I have always felt a deep sense of connection to. Even in my darkest places, my most confused times of my life, I still felt such deep compassion for people and things. It was this compassion that drove me towards a life of serving others; and not serving others safely, but in the trenches, trudging through he mud, darkness and ugliness of this world to try and show that compassion to others. I find as I reflect, that compassion is a weakness. Gratitude for compassion is so shallow and easily forgotten. I find myself grateful to all of those who showed compassion to me in my life. I have always been a person who wanted those people to know how meaningful they are to me. When I struggle, hurt, fall, fail, become weak and feel like I cannot continue, I find compassion from others is so very limited, because once their compassion exposes something dark and terrifying, that compassion and care ends and people distance themselves from the ugliness...They don't want to truly know the depths of ones suffering, they say they are there for us, but when it gets too dark, or too heavy, they disappear.
Compassion is an illusion.
Honesty seems to be a difficult thing for people because of judgment, ridicule and shame from others. People say they embrace honesty, but they don't really; especially if the honesty is projected towards them. People have such judgments and assign labels to so much of life and people, that honesty really isn't appreciated or embraced because no one really wants to know the honest thoughts or opinions of others, especially if its about them. I like to think I live my life honestly to what I see value in. I struggle at times because in that space, I am living a life honest to me and my desires, but because these are not societal norms, I am ridiculed, judged or attacked for those honest expressions. So, how can one be truly honest with others or themselves when honesty isn't embraced by others or ridiculed because of judgment?
Honesty seems to be a difficult thing for people because of judgment, ridicule and shame from others. People say they embrace honesty, but they don't really; especially if the honesty is projected towards them. People have such judgments and assign labels to so much of life and people, that honesty really isn't appreciated or embraced because no one really wants to know the honest thoughts or opinions of others, especially if its about them. I like to think I live my life honestly to what I see value in. I struggle at times because in that space, I am living a life honest to me and my desires, but because these are not societal norms, I am ridiculed, judged or attacked for those honest expressions. So, how can one be truly honest with others or themselves when honesty isn't embraced by others or ridiculed because of judgment?
Honesty is an illusion.
People often say that forgiveness is the key to freedom; I don't see it that way. Forgiveness is an abandonment of accountability. My forgiveness does not affect the pain or suffering from what I am forgiving. I can say I forgive someone, but will never mend the scars from people. If it did, why do people have to continue to go on about the harm someone did to them and then explain their forgiveness of it? Its an excuse to make the things others have done to us OK. We still suffer as a result of things others do to us. It might be minimized in that suffering, but the wound is still there. Saying "I forgive" is no resolve for the pain created and only allows the other person to feel better about the terrible things they did, it in no way corrects those actions. So, forgiveness is just an abandonment of accountability.
People often say that forgiveness is the key to freedom; I don't see it that way. Forgiveness is an abandonment of accountability. My forgiveness does not affect the pain or suffering from what I am forgiving. I can say I forgive someone, but will never mend the scars from people. If it did, why do people have to continue to go on about the harm someone did to them and then explain their forgiveness of it? Its an excuse to make the things others have done to us OK. We still suffer as a result of things others do to us. It might be minimized in that suffering, but the wound is still there. Saying "I forgive" is no resolve for the pain created and only allows the other person to feel better about the terrible things they did, it in no way corrects those actions. So, forgiveness is just an abandonment of accountability.
Forgiveness is an illusion.
Acceptance is a great concept as well, but I don't think it is real. True acceptance means that you accept a thing or a person at face value, fully. So, we often hear statement of "Yes, I accept that, BUT..." or "Yes, I accept that person for who they are, or how they are, BUT..." People will never fully accept any thing, or person unless they are completely aligned and moving exactly like the person saying they are accepting. As soon as you choose something different, then the acceptance ends and the "BUT" becomes the standard.
Acceptance is a great concept as well, but I don't think it is real. True acceptance means that you accept a thing or a person at face value, fully. So, we often hear statement of "Yes, I accept that, BUT..." or "Yes, I accept that person for who they are, or how they are, BUT..." People will never fully accept any thing, or person unless they are completely aligned and moving exactly like the person saying they are accepting. As soon as you choose something different, then the acceptance ends and the "BUT" becomes the standard.
Acceptance is an illusion.
Sacrifice is a tricky one, because "sacrifice" means you are giving somethin up of yourself, your desires or your direction to create something else. But ultimately, it really isn't a sacrifice if it is getting you want, or where you want. It is a term to use when a person wants attention, or to try and enroll others into your made up vision of your pursuits. And people are not willing to truly sacrifice anything, because they are always looking for a way to advance themselves or make themselves look good.
Sacrifice is a tricky one, because "sacrifice" means you are giving somethin up of yourself, your desires or your direction to create something else. But ultimately, it really isn't a sacrifice if it is getting you want, or where you want. It is a term to use when a person wants attention, or to try and enroll others into your made up vision of your pursuits. And people are not willing to truly sacrifice anything, because they are always looking for a way to advance themselves or make themselves look good.
Sacrifice is an illusion.
I find it disheartening now, as I reflect back, all of the life I have lived has been a lie. I clouded my mind with made up realities of how life works, then directed my life to move that way, only to realize people I thought were loyal to me, committed to me, loved me, cared for me, weren't. I formed my connections and my interactions with others based off my life experience, and then found that my life experience was an illusion, created by what I thought was reality.
Even in my professional pursuits, I have found what I took pride in, what I defended, what I found value in, now is determined to be inappropriate, dark, and criminal. A life I sweated, bled and gave myself to is now, through societies eyes, viewed as destructive, harsh, dark. I am so terribly sad how this life I have lived has been exposed at every turn, an illusion.
The life I have struggled to create has been formed on a life of lies, made up definitions and fabrications of what I thought care and connection meant. In this stage of my life, as I reflect, I realize that it IS all an illusion. There is very little tangible, meaningful things in my life that I see as "real" anymore. Friendships and relationships are not nearly as deep as I had imagined. Loyalty is only a word, there is no such thing, friendships are NOT what I made up over my life and have been revealed to be a lie. No one is completely honest, no one truly sacrifices anything, no one truly accepts anyone or anything, forgiveness is an expression, and just a work to make those who hurt us feel better, compassion is only as deep as convenience, and the life I have lived, outside of my inner self and sole pursuits is a fabrication of one reality, in a universe of unlimited realities. The only thing that is real in this life is the moment, this moment, right now, here, this instant, and even in that reality, it is full of illusions.
I will say, I have enjoyed my illusions and my made up reality, and it has brought me a full circle of life experiences to which I can personally reflect on and attain value from, but outside of that, its meaningless. In the end, what will any of it really matter?
I no longer have a desire to push boundaries, drive to succeed, establish friendships or bond with others. I think I still have quite a bit of life to live, but my path is changing. I am, once again, trying to redefine myself and find myself, and I am finding I am too tired to put all that much effort in doing so. I will never be a victim to this life, but I will not put efforts in my personal life to serve or support others anymore. There is a part of my nature that will probably never fully give that up, its just who I am, but I will never put forth any "extra" effort to establishing connections, friendships or support of other people again. I have served my time, now find its an illusion, and will no longer pursue life in this direction. I am not sure what a future life will look like with this new path, but I sure as hell hope it makes a life less painful than the one I have lived over the last 7-8 years. Results will show you your actions if you are willing to look; my results have shown me, I was foolish. I am hoping to adjust the future to open a more simple path, with less drama, and less people to bring it.
I can say, in my early efforts to pursue this new path, I am finding less drama, and less stress... But I am also really sad I have put so much effort into the life I have lived, in regards to friendships and people, relationships and connections to people was such a useless effort (with a couple of exceptions), meaningless in the big scope of it all, and painful, so horribly painful to my soul, and spirit... Pain that is making me cynical, cold, uncaring... What it does show me, without a doubt...
Life is simply an illusion... A painful one....
I find it disheartening now, as I reflect back, all of the life I have lived has been a lie. I clouded my mind with made up realities of how life works, then directed my life to move that way, only to realize people I thought were loyal to me, committed to me, loved me, cared for me, weren't. I formed my connections and my interactions with others based off my life experience, and then found that my life experience was an illusion, created by what I thought was reality.
Even in my professional pursuits, I have found what I took pride in, what I defended, what I found value in, now is determined to be inappropriate, dark, and criminal. A life I sweated, bled and gave myself to is now, through societies eyes, viewed as destructive, harsh, dark. I am so terribly sad how this life I have lived has been exposed at every turn, an illusion.
The life I have struggled to create has been formed on a life of lies, made up definitions and fabrications of what I thought care and connection meant. In this stage of my life, as I reflect, I realize that it IS all an illusion. There is very little tangible, meaningful things in my life that I see as "real" anymore. Friendships and relationships are not nearly as deep as I had imagined. Loyalty is only a word, there is no such thing, friendships are NOT what I made up over my life and have been revealed to be a lie. No one is completely honest, no one truly sacrifices anything, no one truly accepts anyone or anything, forgiveness is an expression, and just a work to make those who hurt us feel better, compassion is only as deep as convenience, and the life I have lived, outside of my inner self and sole pursuits is a fabrication of one reality, in a universe of unlimited realities. The only thing that is real in this life is the moment, this moment, right now, here, this instant, and even in that reality, it is full of illusions.
I will say, I have enjoyed my illusions and my made up reality, and it has brought me a full circle of life experiences to which I can personally reflect on and attain value from, but outside of that, its meaningless. In the end, what will any of it really matter?
I no longer have a desire to push boundaries, drive to succeed, establish friendships or bond with others. I think I still have quite a bit of life to live, but my path is changing. I am, once again, trying to redefine myself and find myself, and I am finding I am too tired to put all that much effort in doing so. I will never be a victim to this life, but I will not put efforts in my personal life to serve or support others anymore. There is a part of my nature that will probably never fully give that up, its just who I am, but I will never put forth any "extra" effort to establishing connections, friendships or support of other people again. I have served my time, now find its an illusion, and will no longer pursue life in this direction. I am not sure what a future life will look like with this new path, but I sure as hell hope it makes a life less painful than the one I have lived over the last 7-8 years. Results will show you your actions if you are willing to look; my results have shown me, I was foolish. I am hoping to adjust the future to open a more simple path, with less drama, and less people to bring it.
I can say, in my early efforts to pursue this new path, I am finding less drama, and less stress... But I am also really sad I have put so much effort into the life I have lived, in regards to friendships and people, relationships and connections to people was such a useless effort (with a couple of exceptions), meaningless in the big scope of it all, and painful, so horribly painful to my soul, and spirit... Pain that is making me cynical, cold, uncaring... What it does show me, without a doubt...
Life is simply an illusion... A painful one....
No comments:
Post a Comment