Suffering

I am not sure I even know where to start on this...I guess I will start at the beginning!

About eleven years ago, I experienced one of the greatest losses I have ever had in my life. To this day, it is the most difficult time/thing/experience I have EVER had.... I have had encounters with specifics that were equal, but nothing that covered as much emotion, hurt, pain, suffering as I did then.

I was in Law Enforcement and I had a boss who I was pretty close to. He had a son and his son was about the age of my oldest daughter. His son and I became VERY close friends and spent MUCH time together. We were so close, I would come home from work somedays and he would be alone, in my house, with my Great Dane Clyde sitting on the couch with him, watching my TV and drinking my beer....He was as much a part of my family and ME as anyone!

We hunted together, we drank together, we took trips together....There were times when people would actually be shocked if they saw me without this friend.

As a result of our friendship, I grew closer to my boss and the rest of his family. We grew so close that we actually spent a couple of Christmases together and a Thanksgiving.... It wasn't long before this family was MY family....They loved me, I loved them, it was a really GREAT moment of my life, AND the life of my family.

Now Shane was a wild child....I guess that's why I liked him so much! He was so much like I was when I was his age...Crazy as hell, but had ALOT going for him. When he would go raise hell, I would sometimes get frustrated with him because it was limiting him and starting to cause his problems. When that would happen, we would not see each other for a few days... During one of these periods, something terrible happened.... I remember the experience clearly...

I went to work patrol, Beach Duty in Crystal Beach for Spring Break. A number of us Deputies stayed in one house for the weekend and would all get together after we got off work and party. I could go into details about Crystal Beach, but that is a completely different story. Shane would have been with me generally on outings like this, but because we were in one of "those" places, he wasn't.

We all went out and got drunk as hell...Partied until the bars closed and stumbled in and passed out....

At about 4:00am, a deputy who was on duty came to the house and woke me up. All of the Deputies knew that Shane and I were close and his family and I were close as well. They knew the extent of this extended family and how much we were involved with each other...

The Deputy woke me up out of my drunken haze and clearly said....

"Brad, wake up....Shane is dead...."

I thought I was dreaming and dismissed the deputy and started to pass back out... He shook me again....

"Brad, wake up man, Shane is dead"

I rubbed my eyes, looked up at the deputy and said ...

"What Robbie? What are you talking about?"

"Brad, something happened....Shane shot himself and he is dead!"

(Jeezus, I am crying as I am typing this and reliving this....Man, its amazing how long ago this was and how it still pulls at my heart so badly)

I woke up, shoved the Deputy back, pissed off and said...

"What the fuck are you talking about?? What the fuck does that mean?"

"Brad, I don't know what happened...All I know is they found Shane dead a short time ago...Something with a gun...he is dead!"

I remember my knees getting weak and by body collapsed and I started to scream...Literally.... I couldn't believe it!! Donna was next to me and she was so impacted by this that she ran to the bathroom and started to throw up.

This stirred the house up and the other deputies started to wake up and I started packing.... I had to get to Shane and his family...I couldn't get there fast enough!

I called Kenneth and let him know what was going on and started to make my way to the Mainland.... If you were to just drive to the Mainland from Crystal Beach, it would take close to an hour...WITH a Ferry ride from Bolivar, it was closer to two hours... This was one of the longest drives of my life!!

Without going into too many details, I made my way to my Majors In-Laws house and found him and his family all gathered.... I ran to them and embraced them and cried with them....BAWLED with them!! Suffered with them...It was absolutely horrific and tragic what happened.... Shane had accidentally shot himself and he was GONE!

(Jeezus, this is sooooooo damn hard to type and relive.... To my readers, I am stuttering with my keystrokes as I write this because its is just still so very real to me.)

After the funeral and all of the hurt, pain and grieving over the loss, this family and I had grown even closer....We were using each other to get through this trying time for all of us. As terribly tragic as it was, it was just as magical in regards to the relationships we build as a result of this great loss.

About a year later, I left the Sheriffs Department and started my life over in the Texas Hill Country. I stayed in touch with the family through telephone calls and occasional visits back to Galveston County but it was clear that we were all moving on with our lives. The love we had for each other wasn't changing, but our relationship and time together was.... I was OK with that, because no matter what, this family was/IS a part of me!

I made my way through College and after graduating in 05' I called my old boss to see if he would write me a letter of recommendation. I also made attempts to contact other supervisors I had and was unable to reach anyone. I finally was able to track down my old boss and I asked him for the letter, explained how I was done with School and was on the job hunt.

My old boss was distant and seemed kind of resistant and then he said...

"No Brad, I cant write you a letter of recommendation"

I was ABSOLUTELY stunned!!

"What, why not?"

"Well, I have it from some pretty good resources that you were doing things while with the Sheriffs Department that weren't in integrity..."

Again I was stunned!! I left on good terms and as one of the top performers of my division...I worked hard and DEDICATED my life to the profession, AND to this boss!! He went on and explained the details and I told him...

"That's all bullshit...Rumors...BULLSHIT!! Why did you talk to me about this?"

"well, you were gone, life moved on, why bring it up?"

I have to say, I was so stunned, I couldn't even attempt to defend myself. Not only was I being rejected by someone I looked at as FAMILY, I was being rejected because of a RUMOR!

I could deal with the work part of all of this, but I couldn't handle the emotional strain I was feeling from this...the detachment...the way I was just CUT LOOSE from this man I looked at like a father... My heart felt EXACTLY like it did when we lost Shane and I was experiencing this suffering all over again.... I had LOST a PART of me, my soul, my heart...I was sooooo damaged....I was soooooo lost and confused...I was soooooo HURT!!

I got off the phone and actually broke down sobbing from all of this...I couldn't believe I was rejected like this...I was so hurt and injured, i had to respond!

I lashed back...I knew the only way to stop this pain and suffering was to cut myself clear from it....I had to end it, i had to get away..i had to run from the suffering...It was just too much!

I sat down, wrote a letter to my old boss, defended myself, explained my pain and CUT ALL TIES with him and that family. I could NOT experience that pain again....twice was enough and I could not handle suffering like that again. They were living their lives, I was living mine, appreciate the great times we had, always keep those close to my heart and then allow myself and them to move on....

That was 2005.....

Sunday, 11-6-11, through the vast reaches of facebook, I was contacted by my old boss with a friend request. This friend is now running for political office in the County I was in and I was unsure why, after all these years, all this time, why now?? why contact me now....So I asked!

The response I received seemed to be politically based and again, that old wound was opened up as fresh as the day I left it!! I was sooooo angry!

I responded back and told him that I had NOTHING to offer him in that regard and if that was his intention, there was nothing else to discuss.

The dialog continued and then it was expressed that this was for a personal re-connection.... Then I was REALLY terrified!!

Was I ready to open myself up again to this man? To this family? To this experience?? Was I willing to BE the Brad I know i am with this person?? I felt like I was petting a dog who bit me the last time and I was not comfortable with this exchange...

Then, on top of all of that emotion, I felt so petty for the anger, hurt, suffering....It has been 6 years and NO contact at all....I have made it where I am with NO help from that County or Department and I showed that my life is bigger than even a COUNTY WIDE Circumstance.... I can and DO overcome!

Buuuuuttt...... If I open back up to this man, will I get bit again?? Am I willing to take that risk??

Then I reflected!!!!! I got on my bike, took a ride, drank a few too many beers, wallowed in my misery a little and then it came to me....

I talk to soooo many people about forgiveness, about letting go of the past and moving forward with the future....How int he WORLD can I preach this and not LIVE this!!?? I am bound by my own word and commitment to take this journey....But I had to be clear with why I was distant, the pain I felt, the love I have for him and his family...I had to get back to the basics before I could move forward with any kind of REAL steps...So I did!!

So we continued to chat back and forth and after 4-5 exchanges, we both owned our parts in it and as of now, even if it is through cyber-space, we are re-connected again....

Man, this has been a rough couple of days....Talking to Donna and old friends who know of the situation....I even felt so bad yesterday, I went home and went to bed...I was ill with how it was all unfolding.... ALL I could focus on was the past (and present) pain... I just couldn't let it go!

Today was the day where the apologies were made and the ownership of our parts came out and it was absolutely liberating for me....

Am I scared?? YES!!!

Am I unsure??? YES!!!!

But I am free of a bind that held me!!!

I am quite sure that even if we do re-connect personally, the life we shared together will never be present again...I have changed sooooooo very much from when I was under this mans command...My life is sooooo completely opposite of what it was then....Hell, we probably don't have anything in common anymore other than old stories....

But I know, with all of my heart, that Shane is looking down and smiling that we have re-connected and in some way put aside our differences....

A day or two ago I thought it was a friend of mine that was generating this re-connection and I was angry with him for submitting me to this suffering and pain of this interaction....But as I REFLECT, I realize it was really a DIVINE intervention and probably at the hands of that pain in the butt kid I once knew and still love with all my heart!!

Shane, if not for anything else, this time with your family is for you my old friend....

I miss you dearly and wish everyday that you were in my house, on my couch, Clyde in your lap....But I know, you guys are both up there watching me and caring for me and I look forward to the day we all see each other again....

And yes, TODAY is an even bigger day!!