Law Enforcement humor..

I was fortunate enough to be invited to an old friends wedding about a week ago and re-connect with some old friends from my days at the Sheriffs Office. There were only a few of us, and as conversation goes with old cops, we generally talk about old stories and remind each other just how crazy we were in those days... Invincible, cocky, crazy as hell... Just reminisce about the "good ole days" and laugh, cut up, make fun, poke and prod...

One of the things I miss the most from Law Enforcement is the relationships we had as friends. Life was sooooooo crazy then, that nothing we said or did to each other was ever very serious. We were always inappropriate, always edgy, always pushing boundaries....But your biggest mistake is to EVER let one of em see ya sweat... if they know they got a tight wire on you, they will play you like a fiddle!

However, the fun as a result of this is always trying to "one up" the other one is immeasurable. If you don't have quick wit, you better back down because you would get eaten alive.

Sadly, in the "real world" people don't appreciate this type of humor and one of my struggles leaving law enforcement has often times been a direct result of not knowing when to turn it off...

Luckily, after seeing my old friends from those days, it was clear that this part of the relationship has not changed. I am going to share an experience that was revisited at the wedding at Jacks expense... I think he will admit it was CLASSIC but I am hopeing it doesn't encourage him to "one up" me! I am going to try and recall this the best I can...Jack and Kenneth can add to it if the would like!

Love ya man!! ;)

When I was a cop, I had a partner named Jack. he was always a stand up guy and I trusted him with my back completely...BUT, he was always pretty anal and HATED for anyone to tell him what to do. I just saw Jack at a wedding about a week ago and we talked about this prank.

After leaving the profession and the area, I was still keeping in touch now and then with a couple of the guys I worked with...however, I had lost touch with Jack in those few years.

As I heard it, he (Jack) was having hell with his home owners association and was getting the ridiculous infractions issued from those places, and if you think its irritating to you, trust me, to Jack, it was enough to wind that rubber band in his head to snapping. Jack wouldn't hesitate to tell you JUST how he fees if pushed too far...Regardless of the circumstances!

Well, it had been three years since I left, I hear about the HOA thing and called another very loyal friend from that time and asked him if he wanted to play a joke on Jack... In those days when I was on patrol, it was me, Jack and Kenneth...Kenneth is who I called and of course, he was all for this...A good prank with the right folks pulling it off can be a masterpiece!

THIS WAS A PICASSO!!

So I asked my friend if he knew anyone that lived in Jacks neighborhood. He did, so I asked him to call them to see if they had a letterhead from the HOA for anything... He called, and another friend had gotten a letter just recently from the HOA.

I asked if we could have it, and he scanned it and sent it to me.

When I got the letterhead, I deleted the wording on it and typed in my own words...

It went something very similar to this...

Dear Mr.____,

We have found that you are once again in violation of the HOA rules in regards to the upkeep of your property. Below is a list of infractions that we would like you to take care of before we are forced to cite you for the violations...

1. We have found that the grass in your yard is two inches higher than what the regulations in your HOA rules state is allowable.

2. On the NW side of your house, under the easement, there are some paint chips that need repaired and the paint redone.

3. You fence has three faded pickets and those need to be replaced as soon as possible.

Mr. ______, as you are aware, this is not your first infraction of the rules with our association. We have tried to work with you in regards to adhering to the proper rules and are becoming discouraged with your inability to manage these problems. There will be a representative by in the next week or so to check on the progress and repairs. Please don't force us to cite you for these violations.

And I didn't sign it...Left that part blank  because I knew by the time he got to the end, he wouldn't even be able to see that through his fury!

After getting the document completed, I made an official looking label and return stamp and sent it to Kenneth to make sure it was mailed from the Houston (the home of the HOA) area. Jack is pretty sharp... We had to be meticulous!

Kenneth (my accomplice) took the letter and sent it so it would be stamped from Houston and then we had to manage the time of day for him to stop by and visit with Jack to make sure he was there when he got the letter... If Jack got this and he wasn't around, it could get UUUUUGLY!!

one day....two days...three days...No letter....

Fourth day Kenneth calls and says ...

"Man, Jack has the letter... I talked Jack into checking his mail while I was there, but he wouldn't look at the letter... I saw it in his hands. I tried to get him to open it and he said he would get to it later..."

I responded...

"Man, you better keep checking on him....If he gets that, reads it and flips, he will be down at that office screaming at those people...And brother, if that happens, I am gunna DENY, DENY, DENY!!"

"Ok man, let me try and call him"

he calls me back...

"No answer man, what are we gunna do?"

"Try again!"

He tried again...No answer...

Now I am getting worried and my accomplice is on his way back to his house... Its been 30-45 minutes since he left him...

On the way to his house, Jack calls him... FURIOUS!!!

"MAN, you wont believe this...I was JUST talking about these coc%^&*cers can you believe what these FU**ING jerk, no good, PR*(%$, arrogant blood sucking bas&&^% are telling me...Listen to this... paint chips, grass too long... I pulled out my ladder and looked all over my house, I didn't see and F**)^ paint chips... Fence pickets??? Are you kidding me.. My fence is fine!! And did they ACTUALLY have someone come out and measure my lawn?? Man, I am on my way to have a little chat with these people!"

My accomplice says...

"Jack, Jack...Calm down man...."

"Calm down my A*&...I have had enough!!"

"Jack, Jack....Me and Brad did it..."

"You and Brad did what???"

"We sent the letter bro..."

"What, no way, no way you sent this..."

Kenneth went on and explained the content of the letter and the process of how it all took place.... Jack was floored!!

Jack called me shortly after finding out and as soon as I answer the phone he says...

"Three years and this is how you say hello?"

Man, I rolled as the story was told and was so upset I wasn't sitting down the street with binoculars as he pulled out his ladder and started to check for paint chips...

Jack keeps his head shaved...Has for as long as I have known him... I bet he looked like a little radish as he was going up and down that ladder.

Seeing him at the wedding and revisiting this experience, I was able to get his wife Rebecca's side of the story...

She said she was doing all she could to calm him down but was convinced he was going to jail. Said he would come down off the ladder, go inside with the letter...

"I don't see anything wrong with my paint.... I cant believe this"

Go back out, move the ladder, look again, come back in the house and would put the letter on the table, point to the words and say ...

"Can you believe this...CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS!!?? I don't see SH&T"

Man, that was 7 years ago and I was still about to bust a gut as I heard it again...

Perfect...Priceless...and now, VERY aware of any strange thing that might take place that could be payback!!

Although it was funny, I know, someday, it will be returned in kind!!

Sure was good to see you again Jack...Lets make the next gap between visits not so long ok?