So, as I type this, I am in our/my new apartment in New Braunfels alone. Donna and the girls left about an hour ago and this JUST continues to get more and more real. I am sad, scared, teary eyed, and excited all at the same time... I wish I was more excited than the other emotions!!
I feel alone and this is the first time Donna and i have officially "lived apart" for 17 years.... I miss her terribly already and wish she was here hugging e and holding me in this scary time. She has always been the ONE person in my life I could be everything a human is with and not hide or cover up any part of it....Here I am, with the most scary part of being human...VULNERABLE.... and I am all alone....
Anyway, I wanted to take a minute and jot down my emotions, the experience, and take a little video tour of the apartment to occupy my time and get it off of the reality I am treading water in....treading water with my nose barely above the surface is what it feels like right now, and like treading water in the ocean, afraid of what might be swimming right under my feet.... Shark, jellyfish....THE UNKNOWN!!
Enjoy the tour and keep me and Donna in your thoughts...We are both struggling pretty hard right now....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwZrPmsV3xo
Peace.....Brad
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
One day closer...
So Nathan and I went to New Braunfels yesterday to bring a large load (the majority) of the stuff going in my little apartment... We got there, the landlords was there and we started to unload stuff. As with everything, NOTHING can go smoothly! The area I put the TV doesn't have cable access and as we moved the TV, it wouldn't matter anyway because as I was walking up the steps with it, I stepped on the cord attached to the cable and RIPPED the cable hookup out of the back of the TV....Oh well, TV is over rated anyway....I can still watch videos!
The landlord said she wasn't sure if the wireless would reach the apartment and i went to work on that....No luck....I tried it three times and couldn't get it to work....GRRRRRR!!!
So we just unloaded the stuff and as Nathan unloaded, I was able to start setting up the apartment....I have to say, it was coming together nicely!!
I had some really wonderful friends who stepped up and gave me sheets, towels, rugs, some cook ware, candles, other bedding....It was all really coming together VERY nicely and better than I expected.
The landlord let me use two new lazyboys she had (blue in color) that I thought wouldn't really go well inside the apartment... I went to clean them and they cleaned up damn near to perfect.
The bedroom, living room and dining room are all in the same room and we moved some things around and it became, well, just perfect!
Donna bought me a piece of art from one of her classmates that I loved of a "Jazz Man" that had a multitude of color in it and one of the bedspreads I was given was a plaid "quilt style" with some blue in it and one of the sets of sheets I was given was a denim blue color....The apartment is all white and it just flowed perfectly!
It was about 85 degrees yesterday and the sun was ROASTING in my little yard....TO the point it was too much to sit outside. We turned on the ceiling fans and because of the tile floors, the inside of the apartment was nice and cool.
I fired up my music on my computer and started to arrange things, put pictures up, hang my Shiner Bock light and then we both just sat, listened to music and admired the new place.... All I could think of was how much I wish Donna was there with me BUT how much I was gunna love that it was going to be set up for her when she gets there Saturday.... As much as she dislikes this whole scenario, I know she will love this little place and eventually it will become a place where she and I are able to spend some quality time together... Again, I was growing excited.
So, now to the issue with the WiFi.... I went down to best buy because I have a phone I can use as a wireless router through my service.... My cell phonier works perfect there... Well, t would work, BUUUUUUT its 30.00 more a month...NOPE!! Ain't gunna do that!
Asked about other options, those were all 80-100.00 and I wasn't going to do that either.
So we drive back to the apartment and i went to find Ms. Brook's(the landlord) and we went to try and deal with the wireless again...Well, we got it to work but its sporadic....Oh well, i will make it work...In all reality, it will probably work on my front porch even better than inside and once the sun gets to about 3:30pm, the porch starts to get the shade and then sitting outside is really nice... The birds singing and watching the people driving down river road....I am sure the people watching on the weekends here will be a mirror of our years on the beach watching the weekender idiots on the beach as they drove by....Always great entertainment!
As i was hanging my things on the wall, I found a small microwave in the garage...I asked my landlord if I could use it, and she agreed to lend it to me.....BONUS!! Just saved me another 45.00.
So now, all I have to get is my cleaning supplies, a trash can for the kitchen, cleaning supplies, food, etc, and its completely a ready to roll! I was really very excited about it and was going to take pictures to post, but didn't want Donna to see it...I want her to see ti in person first....So i will take pictures on Saturday and post them then...I will get a little video tour and youtube it as well.
SO last nigh, I was just running all of this through my head and was thinking about how nice it would be to have a small strand of Christmas lights at the entrance of the gate that leads to my apartment....How nice it would be to have a few hummingbird feeders in the yard, a wind chime...Just things that make a place more "homey."
Last night, I had dreams of hummingbirds outside my widows of the apartment and buzzing me as I sat on the front porch and now THIS should shock ya....
I wake up this morning and there is an antique style glass hummingbird feeder sitting on my nightstand by my cell phone. I didn't tell Donna anything about my thoughts on this and she was gone before I could tell her about my dreams but when I woke up, there was a beautiful hummingbird feeder than Donna bought for me this weekend without me knowing to surprise me and add to the place....
Just shows you, we are really connected on a level that even surprises me sometimes!
So today will be filled with getting my truck all cleaned up and in shape for using as my office for my new job....It has been at least 6 months since this old truck as been washed so I have my work cut out for me today...
Just wanting to keep this updated as it unfolds....
Like the song says, "It just keeps getting better all the time"
And compared to three weeks ago, holy shit have I been ready for this to turn around... I am looking at this as just more evidence that the path we are taking with this next step is the right one....It is the path of least resistance and its seemingly just supposed to be happening....So many more positive things happening than negative and as I look at it, its not like I have been trying to "look" for the positive....As bad as things have been lately, I was really starting to get into that "victim role" and was so focused on the negative and creating "negative" that this IS happening!
For every breakdown there is a breakthrough....For every down, there is an up... And this seems to be the start of the breakthrough and that rollercoaster is clicking its way to the top.... Man, its such a good feeling to have life, once again, be getting back on track... I am excited that this will continue and I am ready to get started at this new job and get out there and create the life that Donna and I have dreamed of for the majority of our life together....
One more good day, and I would rather count the good ones, than the bad ones!!
The landlord said she wasn't sure if the wireless would reach the apartment and i went to work on that....No luck....I tried it three times and couldn't get it to work....GRRRRRR!!!
So we just unloaded the stuff and as Nathan unloaded, I was able to start setting up the apartment....I have to say, it was coming together nicely!!
I had some really wonderful friends who stepped up and gave me sheets, towels, rugs, some cook ware, candles, other bedding....It was all really coming together VERY nicely and better than I expected.
The landlord let me use two new lazyboys she had (blue in color) that I thought wouldn't really go well inside the apartment... I went to clean them and they cleaned up damn near to perfect.
The bedroom, living room and dining room are all in the same room and we moved some things around and it became, well, just perfect!
Donna bought me a piece of art from one of her classmates that I loved of a "Jazz Man" that had a multitude of color in it and one of the bedspreads I was given was a plaid "quilt style" with some blue in it and one of the sets of sheets I was given was a denim blue color....The apartment is all white and it just flowed perfectly!
It was about 85 degrees yesterday and the sun was ROASTING in my little yard....TO the point it was too much to sit outside. We turned on the ceiling fans and because of the tile floors, the inside of the apartment was nice and cool.
I fired up my music on my computer and started to arrange things, put pictures up, hang my Shiner Bock light and then we both just sat, listened to music and admired the new place.... All I could think of was how much I wish Donna was there with me BUT how much I was gunna love that it was going to be set up for her when she gets there Saturday.... As much as she dislikes this whole scenario, I know she will love this little place and eventually it will become a place where she and I are able to spend some quality time together... Again, I was growing excited.
So, now to the issue with the WiFi.... I went down to best buy because I have a phone I can use as a wireless router through my service.... My cell phonier works perfect there... Well, t would work, BUUUUUUT its 30.00 more a month...NOPE!! Ain't gunna do that!
Asked about other options, those were all 80-100.00 and I wasn't going to do that either.
So we drive back to the apartment and i went to find Ms. Brook's(the landlord) and we went to try and deal with the wireless again...Well, we got it to work but its sporadic....Oh well, i will make it work...In all reality, it will probably work on my front porch even better than inside and once the sun gets to about 3:30pm, the porch starts to get the shade and then sitting outside is really nice... The birds singing and watching the people driving down river road....I am sure the people watching on the weekends here will be a mirror of our years on the beach watching the weekender idiots on the beach as they drove by....Always great entertainment!
As i was hanging my things on the wall, I found a small microwave in the garage...I asked my landlord if I could use it, and she agreed to lend it to me.....BONUS!! Just saved me another 45.00.
So now, all I have to get is my cleaning supplies, a trash can for the kitchen, cleaning supplies, food, etc, and its completely a ready to roll! I was really very excited about it and was going to take pictures to post, but didn't want Donna to see it...I want her to see ti in person first....So i will take pictures on Saturday and post them then...I will get a little video tour and youtube it as well.
SO last nigh, I was just running all of this through my head and was thinking about how nice it would be to have a small strand of Christmas lights at the entrance of the gate that leads to my apartment....How nice it would be to have a few hummingbird feeders in the yard, a wind chime...Just things that make a place more "homey."
Last night, I had dreams of hummingbirds outside my widows of the apartment and buzzing me as I sat on the front porch and now THIS should shock ya....
I wake up this morning and there is an antique style glass hummingbird feeder sitting on my nightstand by my cell phone. I didn't tell Donna anything about my thoughts on this and she was gone before I could tell her about my dreams but when I woke up, there was a beautiful hummingbird feeder than Donna bought for me this weekend without me knowing to surprise me and add to the place....
Just shows you, we are really connected on a level that even surprises me sometimes!
So today will be filled with getting my truck all cleaned up and in shape for using as my office for my new job....It has been at least 6 months since this old truck as been washed so I have my work cut out for me today...
Just wanting to keep this updated as it unfolds....
Like the song says, "It just keeps getting better all the time"
And compared to three weeks ago, holy shit have I been ready for this to turn around... I am looking at this as just more evidence that the path we are taking with this next step is the right one....It is the path of least resistance and its seemingly just supposed to be happening....So many more positive things happening than negative and as I look at it, its not like I have been trying to "look" for the positive....As bad as things have been lately, I was really starting to get into that "victim role" and was so focused on the negative and creating "negative" that this IS happening!
For every breakdown there is a breakthrough....For every down, there is an up... And this seems to be the start of the breakthrough and that rollercoaster is clicking its way to the top.... Man, its such a good feeling to have life, once again, be getting back on track... I am excited that this will continue and I am ready to get started at this new job and get out there and create the life that Donna and I have dreamed of for the majority of our life together....
One more good day, and I would rather count the good ones, than the bad ones!!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
And so it begins...
So this last week or so, I have been stopping by friends houses and going to resale shops to get essentials that I need for my apartment in New Braunfels. Its hard to explain the feeling as this has taken a place.
I seem somewhat excited as I see the possibility of whats next and knowing this is part of the process, but with each piece I buy or obtain, I feel a part of me missing.... I am gathering things for this apartment that Donna and I have spent a half of a lifetime obtaining together. Its a very strange experience and not something I am familiar with.
Both Donna and I are really torn about being apart and she has been resistant to taking part in much of the process.... We had a sit down and talked about all of it and expressed our discomfort and dis-ease with all of this but we both agreed that we have to stay focused on the positive and pay attention to the things that are unfolding in front of us to assure us this is the right move....The job, the apartment coming together like it has....It really is the first time in months, in regards to a job, we have not met resistance... As much as we hate the "necessary" part of this, we agreed to try and be more positive about this experience.
On Sunday, we went to San Antonio to just hang out and shop a little and she actually bought a small rug for my bathroom.... I know this might sound silly, but this meant so very much to me....This little six dollar rug that Donna bought to make the bathroom brighter... She was seemingly coming around and now was taking part in this uncomfortable process and I have to say it was uplifting, because I just don't think I could do this alone and without her...
This week, I have had a Friend from Houston come up (Nathan) who is about 10 years younger than I am and going through a similar moment in his life....Unsure about whats next, thinking about taking a risk, feeling a little down about where he is in his life, etc...
Well, Nathan and I decided to take today and go see the apartment and move a large portion of the stuff I have to take so Donna and I don't have to take that much with us when we go this weekend. Last night, we stared to load up the trailer with the boats and other large items and that lump came back... I was even on the edge of tears but Donna was here and watching and I didn't want her to get upset with what was taking place... I knew she had to feel like I was feeling and this was definitely another large dose of reality.
This morning, I woke up early....I couldn't sleep well, too much about today on my mind, so I got up and made some coffee for me and Donna for when she started to get ready for work... I had this day on my mind and was really very sad that I was loading up a bunch of stuff to take to the apartment and she wouldn't be helping...At the same time, I was happy she was not here because of the emotional aspect.
So I went to my closet and grabbed my clothes to load into Nathans truck and there was a large void in the closet I had not seen in many years....With that void, I felt a sinking and empty feeling in my stomach to see it and then an even more sinking feeling to know Donna would come home from work tonight and see this as well.... I felt bad for us both and was pretty emotional, choked up as I took each armful of clothes off the rack and out to the truck.
I pulled our TV out of our room and our VCR/DVD player and another void...Another lump....Another sinking feeling and another moment that made me sad because I knew that Donna would be laying in bed each night and noticing this empty spot... I really HATE this part of the process!
Nathan and I were able to get all the stuff in the truck and trailer and now the garage that was full of things gathered for the apartment was empty....void....sinking.....lumps.....emotions.... It just seems to come in waves!
Its 9:15 am, March 23rd, 2011 and I am typing this with such a strange feeling in my stomach, my heart and my soul... This is going to be harder than I thought. As I close this up, I want to add that my life is what it is because of my wonderful wife and partner in this life.... As quirky and cliche' as it sounds, I really do feel that Donna COMPLETES me and I am about to go get my sweats off, put my clothes on and take a part of me and separate it from a part of me.... I truly love this woman and truly love the life we have created....I am not a religious man in any form or fashion but I have a strong faith and belief that there is something bigger than all of us out there... I do believe in God (in my way of understanding him) and really believe that there is no way that I can be allowed to experience this type of feeling and suffering without a great reward ahead... The God I understand only allows "suffering" so that you can truly understand and grasp the greatness of what comes as a result of that suffering... This has to work....There is to much leading us to this for it not too....
No matter what, if NOTHING else comes from this, I am reminded at how truly special Donna is and how truly special our life is together... I am so excited about what this is going to create for our life, but am so scared and distraught about this time I will be without her....
I know you read my blogs from time to time Donna, and when you get to this one, know that right now, in this moment, you are the biggest thing on my mind....WE are the biggest thing on my mind and I love you sooooo very much.... Thank you for ALWAYS believing in me and encouraging me, being my biggest cheerleader and supporting me in working to make our life unfold to create all the dreams we have created together.
Donna, do you remember that day we were driving around in the jeep, touring the Hill Country and we stopped at a stop sign and I turned and said something to you????? Well let me say it again....
I still, to this day, in this instant, CANNOT think of any other person in this world I would rather be experiencing this with...
I love you babe!!
And for those of you that follow my blog, I will update you on how this continues to unfold....I am signing now to take that drive to New Braunfels and I am sure the day will be filled with emotions....
Peace....Brad
I seem somewhat excited as I see the possibility of whats next and knowing this is part of the process, but with each piece I buy or obtain, I feel a part of me missing.... I am gathering things for this apartment that Donna and I have spent a half of a lifetime obtaining together. Its a very strange experience and not something I am familiar with.
Both Donna and I are really torn about being apart and she has been resistant to taking part in much of the process.... We had a sit down and talked about all of it and expressed our discomfort and dis-ease with all of this but we both agreed that we have to stay focused on the positive and pay attention to the things that are unfolding in front of us to assure us this is the right move....The job, the apartment coming together like it has....It really is the first time in months, in regards to a job, we have not met resistance... As much as we hate the "necessary" part of this, we agreed to try and be more positive about this experience.
On Sunday, we went to San Antonio to just hang out and shop a little and she actually bought a small rug for my bathroom.... I know this might sound silly, but this meant so very much to me....This little six dollar rug that Donna bought to make the bathroom brighter... She was seemingly coming around and now was taking part in this uncomfortable process and I have to say it was uplifting, because I just don't think I could do this alone and without her...
This week, I have had a Friend from Houston come up (Nathan) who is about 10 years younger than I am and going through a similar moment in his life....Unsure about whats next, thinking about taking a risk, feeling a little down about where he is in his life, etc...
Well, Nathan and I decided to take today and go see the apartment and move a large portion of the stuff I have to take so Donna and I don't have to take that much with us when we go this weekend. Last night, we stared to load up the trailer with the boats and other large items and that lump came back... I was even on the edge of tears but Donna was here and watching and I didn't want her to get upset with what was taking place... I knew she had to feel like I was feeling and this was definitely another large dose of reality.
This morning, I woke up early....I couldn't sleep well, too much about today on my mind, so I got up and made some coffee for me and Donna for when she started to get ready for work... I had this day on my mind and was really very sad that I was loading up a bunch of stuff to take to the apartment and she wouldn't be helping...At the same time, I was happy she was not here because of the emotional aspect.
So I went to my closet and grabbed my clothes to load into Nathans truck and there was a large void in the closet I had not seen in many years....With that void, I felt a sinking and empty feeling in my stomach to see it and then an even more sinking feeling to know Donna would come home from work tonight and see this as well.... I felt bad for us both and was pretty emotional, choked up as I took each armful of clothes off the rack and out to the truck.
I pulled our TV out of our room and our VCR/DVD player and another void...Another lump....Another sinking feeling and another moment that made me sad because I knew that Donna would be laying in bed each night and noticing this empty spot... I really HATE this part of the process!
Nathan and I were able to get all the stuff in the truck and trailer and now the garage that was full of things gathered for the apartment was empty....void....sinking.....lumps.....emotions.... It just seems to come in waves!
Its 9:15 am, March 23rd, 2011 and I am typing this with such a strange feeling in my stomach, my heart and my soul... This is going to be harder than I thought. As I close this up, I want to add that my life is what it is because of my wonderful wife and partner in this life.... As quirky and cliche' as it sounds, I really do feel that Donna COMPLETES me and I am about to go get my sweats off, put my clothes on and take a part of me and separate it from a part of me.... I truly love this woman and truly love the life we have created....I am not a religious man in any form or fashion but I have a strong faith and belief that there is something bigger than all of us out there... I do believe in God (in my way of understanding him) and really believe that there is no way that I can be allowed to experience this type of feeling and suffering without a great reward ahead... The God I understand only allows "suffering" so that you can truly understand and grasp the greatness of what comes as a result of that suffering... This has to work....There is to much leading us to this for it not too....
No matter what, if NOTHING else comes from this, I am reminded at how truly special Donna is and how truly special our life is together... I am so excited about what this is going to create for our life, but am so scared and distraught about this time I will be without her....
I know you read my blogs from time to time Donna, and when you get to this one, know that right now, in this moment, you are the biggest thing on my mind....WE are the biggest thing on my mind and I love you sooooo very much.... Thank you for ALWAYS believing in me and encouraging me, being my biggest cheerleader and supporting me in working to make our life unfold to create all the dreams we have created together.
Donna, do you remember that day we were driving around in the jeep, touring the Hill Country and we stopped at a stop sign and I turned and said something to you????? Well let me say it again....
I still, to this day, in this instant, CANNOT think of any other person in this world I would rather be experiencing this with...
I love you babe!!
And for those of you that follow my blog, I will update you on how this continues to unfold....I am signing now to take that drive to New Braunfels and I am sure the day will be filled with emotions....
Peace....Brad
Monday, March 21, 2011
Shanna found out its a boy...
So as this week has started, we were able to take Shanna to the Doctor and find out what she was going to have....A boy, or a girl.
Now me, I don't care WHAT its about, I HATE the Doctors office so all the thrill and excitement that Donna and Shanna were experiencing, well, they could giggle and hop around all the want... I hate Doctors offices, waiting rooms and the fact that they are NEVER on time just irritates me to no end.
So we sat there, appointment at 10:30 and at 10:5o we get called in by a nurse (see what i mean!!?? GRRRRRRR)
We go to this room and Shanna lays down, they squirt some gel all over her belly and immediately on the screen I can See a spine and see a small heartbeat.....FRICKIN WOW!!
The baby moved around and the nurse started in with all her measurements and identifiers and WHAM, there it was, JUNK right up in the camera....ITS A BOY!! And just like a boy, gotta show ya his stuff!! LOL!!
So the nurse went on with the camera and then the baby shifted so we could really see him.... I reached for my phone and turned on my camera and below is what we saw as he started to say hello to us.
I gotta say, I am no "kid person" per say and I am a grumpy old bastage sometimes, but this is pretty stinking amazing!
It does sadden me that Shanna was there with just us (me and Donna) because the father of her children is too much of a scumbag to be responsible and be a real father figure of any kind....
It hurts my heart to know that those kids will have to experience him for their entire life and I reflect to all of the kids I have worked with over the years and their scumbag fathers and it really weighs on my soul to think that these kids will have to deal with that as they grow up... I have seen it soooo much, and to see it soooo close to home is really painful.
I remember looking back on the "leave it to Beaver" lifestyle and how geeky that seemed, but now that I am older and I watch these kids have kids, I sure would like to see those days return.
I am glad that Shanna chose OUT of that life and is on a path to great things ahead...She has a vision, she has a goal and she is driven to make it happen. I am glad to watch her break the cycle because the close she gets to that vision, the farther she pulls herself and her kids away from that dysfunctional reality that these kids father lives in....I might be saddened, but i am lifted with hope and smile as I think of the possibility for whats ahead for the three of them!!
Keep up the good work Shanna....You can make a GREAT life for you and your children...Stay away from the crabs in that bucket....They never give up!!
Check out the video...Pretty stinking amazing man!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHBdSwIMA_c
HOW COOL IS THAT!!??
Now me, I don't care WHAT its about, I HATE the Doctors office so all the thrill and excitement that Donna and Shanna were experiencing, well, they could giggle and hop around all the want... I hate Doctors offices, waiting rooms and the fact that they are NEVER on time just irritates me to no end.
So we sat there, appointment at 10:30 and at 10:5o we get called in by a nurse (see what i mean!!?? GRRRRRRR)
We go to this room and Shanna lays down, they squirt some gel all over her belly and immediately on the screen I can See a spine and see a small heartbeat.....FRICKIN WOW!!
The baby moved around and the nurse started in with all her measurements and identifiers and WHAM, there it was, JUNK right up in the camera....ITS A BOY!! And just like a boy, gotta show ya his stuff!! LOL!!
So the nurse went on with the camera and then the baby shifted so we could really see him.... I reached for my phone and turned on my camera and below is what we saw as he started to say hello to us.
I gotta say, I am no "kid person" per say and I am a grumpy old bastage sometimes, but this is pretty stinking amazing!
It does sadden me that Shanna was there with just us (me and Donna) because the father of her children is too much of a scumbag to be responsible and be a real father figure of any kind....
It hurts my heart to know that those kids will have to experience him for their entire life and I reflect to all of the kids I have worked with over the years and their scumbag fathers and it really weighs on my soul to think that these kids will have to deal with that as they grow up... I have seen it soooo much, and to see it soooo close to home is really painful.
I remember looking back on the "leave it to Beaver" lifestyle and how geeky that seemed, but now that I am older and I watch these kids have kids, I sure would like to see those days return.
I am glad that Shanna chose OUT of that life and is on a path to great things ahead...She has a vision, she has a goal and she is driven to make it happen. I am glad to watch her break the cycle because the close she gets to that vision, the farther she pulls herself and her kids away from that dysfunctional reality that these kids father lives in....I might be saddened, but i am lifted with hope and smile as I think of the possibility for whats ahead for the three of them!!
Keep up the good work Shanna....You can make a GREAT life for you and your children...Stay away from the crabs in that bucket....They never give up!!
Check out the video...Pretty stinking amazing man!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHBdSwIMA_c
HOW COOL IS THAT!!??
Sunday, March 20, 2011
We all have gifts...Even if we cant always see them.
I was reminded of this story today and although maybe you have heard it different or even if you have heard it the same, I think its an awesome story and one to let us all remember the greatness we posses.
A man had a child who was born with learning disabilities. As the child grew, he realized that the disabilities were more and more profound and as a result, he was becoming distanced from other children in his classroom as they moved on. The father decided to find a school for learning disabled children and he enrolled his son in that school. It wasn't a cheap school and he sacrificed much in his life to get his son in this school to learn the best he could. Even here, his son Shay struggled.
The years went on and every year there was a small graduation ceremony with the kids being recognized for their scholastic abilities, but Shay, he was never recognized. When the awards were given for the math science, reading, whatever....The teachers always went on about how "special" those children were.
The father, so extremely frustrated, after the award ceremony he went to the teacher in a huff...
"Why doesn't my son ever get any awards...He works hard, he tries....He has a learning disability and he cant grasp some of the distinctions but why doesn't he get recognized as special?"
The teacher went on to explain to the father, with a smile of her face...
"Mr. Smith, these awards are for academics, and there are no awards for other attributes in the kids... I am sorry to say that, but this is a school and is all about the learning but if you would like to hear what makes Shay special, I will happily tell you!"
"Yes, please, tell me...I would like to hear it"
"Mr. Smith, what makes Shay special is he has a way of bringing the perfection and the special things out in everyone he meets"
Mr. Smith was frustrated and felt the teacher was just trying to make him feel good and said...
"What in the world does that mean? He brings out the perfection in people? You tell me, how is THAT ever going to benefit my child later in life? My child needs an education, a way to LEARN!That's ridiculous....Can he get a grade on that? That's the most silly thing I have ever heard!"
He grabbed Shay and stormed out of the classroom and started to walk down the street.... He was running all of this through his head, questioning his enrollment for his son in this school and was simply fuming at the teachers response to him.
As they walked, they walked by a baseball diamond and a group of kids playing baseball. Shay pulled at his dad and said...
"Daddy, can we go watch?? PLEASE!!??"
Mr. Smith was so wrapped up in his head, he followed Shay as he walked him to the baseball field at sat down on the bench... Mr. Smith, still wrapped up in his own conversations in his head, missed that Shay had walked off and was talking to one of the boys on the field... He was asking if he could play.
Shay's learning disability was not easily missed and kids generally knew quickly something was "different" about Shay.
Mr. Smith walked up to the boys and the boy looked at Mr. Smith and nervously said....
"Well, we are in the 8th inning and 6 runs behind, so it cant hurt anything....Sure, you can play, whats your name?"
Shay smiled and jumped around....
"My name is Shay....My name is Shay!!"
Mr. Smith sat down to watch the game and uncomfortably watched Shay bounce around in center field as the game went on...Luckily no ball was ever hit to him but Mr. Smith noticed all of the kids taking notice of Shay and his antics and he became uncomfortable.
The three outs came and Shay just stayed out in center field....The kids yelled for shay to come into the dugout and into the infield...
As the game went on, the team had a string of luck and started to get some runs....the got 3 runs in and then one guy hit a homerun.... now they are 2 runs from tieing it up and 3 runs from winning.... Shay on the sidelines screaming for the team more than any other player, getting the other players just as stirred up...Clapping, whistling and even making the other kids giggle...
One batter up, hits a single....second batter up, hits a single.... Now its Shays turn to bat and Mr. Smith had a huge sinking feeling in his stomach.... there were two outs and it looked like the game was going to be up to Shay....Mr. Smith was crushed as he was sure they wouldn't let him bat....
He was shocked when he found they did....
Shay stepped up to the plate, awkward with his grip, never batting before, and to Mr Smiths surprise, Shays team was cheering him on...Showing him as much excitement as he had shown the other players...and then Mr Smith noticed the pitcher walking off the mound and taking a couple of steps towards Shay.... He slowly pitched an underarm pitch to Shay for him to try and hit the ball.... As the team cheered, Shay swung and missed!
Mr. Smith, Shocked again, saw a kid come from the dugout, stand behind shay, helped him hold the bat and watched the pitcher take two more steps closer to Shay and pitched again.... Shay and the other kid, TOGETHER, swung and hit a rolling grounder right towards the pitcher....The kid helping shay started to scream at him...
"RUN TO FIRSt SHAY...RUN TO FIRST!!!"
The pitcher ran up and made the ground ball quickly, threw it towards first base and again, Mr. Smith Gasped as he watched the pitcher PURPOSEFULLY throw the ball over the 1st baseman's head and into right field....
Now the dugout started to scream.....
"RUN TO SECOND SHAY....RUN TO SECOND!!!"
Shay, laughing and stumbling along, made his way to second.... The right fielder got to the ball and hurled it towards second base....Mr Smith gasped again as he realized the right fielder had purposefully threw it over the second baseman's head and towards the catcher....
"RUN TO THIRD SHAY....RUN TO THIRD!!!"
Now even members of the other team were yelling for shay to run!!
Shay, laughing, smiling and just trying his best to run, clapping, stumbling, he made it to third and now his dad could hear him giggling with excitement....
The catcher scooped up the ball and hurled it to the third baseman, lobbing it over his head into left field.... Now all of the boys on the field were screaming and the dugout was empty....
"RUUUUUUN SHAY.....RUUUUUN HOME SHAY!!!"
Shays Father was astonished...He was simply blown away and tears started to run down his face as he watched Shay run across home plate with the winning run and both teams cheering for him, running to him, and lifting him up on their shoulders....Shay was laughing, and smiling and was beside himself.....
Then Mr. Smith heard Shays teachers voice in his head....
"Mr. Smith, what makes Shay special is he has a way of bringing the perfection and the special things out in everyone he meets"
I LOVE this story and wanted to make sure I added this to my blog....
EVERYONE has something special about them, and we ALL have greatness inside of us.... I think that sometimes we just seem to forget that, but thank God for people like Shay who can remind us of the greatness we all posses.
A man had a child who was born with learning disabilities. As the child grew, he realized that the disabilities were more and more profound and as a result, he was becoming distanced from other children in his classroom as they moved on. The father decided to find a school for learning disabled children and he enrolled his son in that school. It wasn't a cheap school and he sacrificed much in his life to get his son in this school to learn the best he could. Even here, his son Shay struggled.
The years went on and every year there was a small graduation ceremony with the kids being recognized for their scholastic abilities, but Shay, he was never recognized. When the awards were given for the math science, reading, whatever....The teachers always went on about how "special" those children were.
The father, so extremely frustrated, after the award ceremony he went to the teacher in a huff...
"Why doesn't my son ever get any awards...He works hard, he tries....He has a learning disability and he cant grasp some of the distinctions but why doesn't he get recognized as special?"
The teacher went on to explain to the father, with a smile of her face...
"Mr. Smith, these awards are for academics, and there are no awards for other attributes in the kids... I am sorry to say that, but this is a school and is all about the learning but if you would like to hear what makes Shay special, I will happily tell you!"
"Yes, please, tell me...I would like to hear it"
"Mr. Smith, what makes Shay special is he has a way of bringing the perfection and the special things out in everyone he meets"
Mr. Smith was frustrated and felt the teacher was just trying to make him feel good and said...
"What in the world does that mean? He brings out the perfection in people? You tell me, how is THAT ever going to benefit my child later in life? My child needs an education, a way to LEARN!That's ridiculous....Can he get a grade on that? That's the most silly thing I have ever heard!"
He grabbed Shay and stormed out of the classroom and started to walk down the street.... He was running all of this through his head, questioning his enrollment for his son in this school and was simply fuming at the teachers response to him.
As they walked, they walked by a baseball diamond and a group of kids playing baseball. Shay pulled at his dad and said...
"Daddy, can we go watch?? PLEASE!!??"
Mr. Smith was so wrapped up in his head, he followed Shay as he walked him to the baseball field at sat down on the bench... Mr. Smith, still wrapped up in his own conversations in his head, missed that Shay had walked off and was talking to one of the boys on the field... He was asking if he could play.
Shay's learning disability was not easily missed and kids generally knew quickly something was "different" about Shay.
Mr. Smith walked up to the boys and the boy looked at Mr. Smith and nervously said....
"Well, we are in the 8th inning and 6 runs behind, so it cant hurt anything....Sure, you can play, whats your name?"
Shay smiled and jumped around....
"My name is Shay....My name is Shay!!"
Mr. Smith sat down to watch the game and uncomfortably watched Shay bounce around in center field as the game went on...Luckily no ball was ever hit to him but Mr. Smith noticed all of the kids taking notice of Shay and his antics and he became uncomfortable.
The three outs came and Shay just stayed out in center field....The kids yelled for shay to come into the dugout and into the infield...
As the game went on, the team had a string of luck and started to get some runs....the got 3 runs in and then one guy hit a homerun.... now they are 2 runs from tieing it up and 3 runs from winning.... Shay on the sidelines screaming for the team more than any other player, getting the other players just as stirred up...Clapping, whistling and even making the other kids giggle...
One batter up, hits a single....second batter up, hits a single.... Now its Shays turn to bat and Mr. Smith had a huge sinking feeling in his stomach.... there were two outs and it looked like the game was going to be up to Shay....Mr. Smith was crushed as he was sure they wouldn't let him bat....
He was shocked when he found they did....
Shay stepped up to the plate, awkward with his grip, never batting before, and to Mr Smiths surprise, Shays team was cheering him on...Showing him as much excitement as he had shown the other players...and then Mr Smith noticed the pitcher walking off the mound and taking a couple of steps towards Shay.... He slowly pitched an underarm pitch to Shay for him to try and hit the ball.... As the team cheered, Shay swung and missed!
Mr. Smith, Shocked again, saw a kid come from the dugout, stand behind shay, helped him hold the bat and watched the pitcher take two more steps closer to Shay and pitched again.... Shay and the other kid, TOGETHER, swung and hit a rolling grounder right towards the pitcher....The kid helping shay started to scream at him...
"RUN TO FIRSt SHAY...RUN TO FIRST!!!"
The pitcher ran up and made the ground ball quickly, threw it towards first base and again, Mr. Smith Gasped as he watched the pitcher PURPOSEFULLY throw the ball over the 1st baseman's head and into right field....
Now the dugout started to scream.....
"RUN TO SECOND SHAY....RUN TO SECOND!!!"
Shay, laughing and stumbling along, made his way to second.... The right fielder got to the ball and hurled it towards second base....Mr Smith gasped again as he realized the right fielder had purposefully threw it over the second baseman's head and towards the catcher....
"RUN TO THIRD SHAY....RUN TO THIRD!!!"
Now even members of the other team were yelling for shay to run!!
Shay, laughing, smiling and just trying his best to run, clapping, stumbling, he made it to third and now his dad could hear him giggling with excitement....
The catcher scooped up the ball and hurled it to the third baseman, lobbing it over his head into left field.... Now all of the boys on the field were screaming and the dugout was empty....
"RUUUUUUN SHAY.....RUUUUUN HOME SHAY!!!"
Shays Father was astonished...He was simply blown away and tears started to run down his face as he watched Shay run across home plate with the winning run and both teams cheering for him, running to him, and lifting him up on their shoulders....Shay was laughing, and smiling and was beside himself.....
Then Mr. Smith heard Shays teachers voice in his head....
"Mr. Smith, what makes Shay special is he has a way of bringing the perfection and the special things out in everyone he meets"
I LOVE this story and wanted to make sure I added this to my blog....
EVERYONE has something special about them, and we ALL have greatness inside of us.... I think that sometimes we just seem to forget that, but thank God for people like Shay who can remind us of the greatness we all posses.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Aint no cheese...
As I am stepping into this new adventure, I am reminded of another story I heard a few years ago....Clearly my current situation represents this metaphor...
So for years, scientists have been testing mice and one of the tests is to put a mouse in a maze with cheese at the end in a hole that is the reward for the effort.
What happens is there is cheese put in one end and the mouse put in the other of the maze...The mouse goes through the maze to find the cheese and immediately the mouse remembers the path....Every time you put the mouse in the hole, he will work his way through the maze to find the cheese.
Then you take the cheese from the hole and place it in another portion of the maze and set the mouse in the maze... The mouse will take the same path back to where he knows the cheese in and finds no cheese...Take the mouse out, he will try the same path again....take him out again and set him back and he might try another time....finding no cheese in the hole.
So, you set the mouse in a third or fourth time and this time he tries a different route to locate the cheese...He makes a different effort to find the cheese, realizing there is no cheese in the old hole...
Now many times mice mirror humans but in this exercise they are different...
Humans, we will find our way through the maze and get the cheese, but take the cheese away and put it in another spot and humans will go back time and time again, the same route, expecting to find the cheese...OVER and OVER again....
Hence, we get a reward once or twice for our efforts, we think that a continuation of this path will eventually get us the cheese again, and it never does... So, there is a saying many people have heard when it comes to efforts that don't get them the reward anymore....
THERE AIN'T NO CHEESE IN THAT HOLE!!!
After hearing this story the first time, I have constantly reminded myself of this story...
Based on my efforts for the last year or two, I have been taking the same route, over and over and have not found the cheese for a very long time...
I guess with this last shift in my life, I have finally found that the efforts I used before to get the cheese is not producing the reward....But me, being human, have gone back and back again.... I guess I have now realized, THERE AIN'T NO CHEESE IN THAT HOLE so this is a big part of why I am taking a new path...
I don't know the route through the maze and am sure I will hit some dead ends here and there, but I know the cheese is there, I just have to find the route to get it....
So here I am, back in a new maze, trying to find the cheese... The good thing is that I am finding more openings than walls....Even though running into those walls is painful....Separating from Donna, leaving my comfort zone, uprooting where I feel safe and comfortable, but I have to remember, the cheese is there...Its really is....But I have finally come to the realization, the old path, there just ain't no cheese there!
So, here I am, in a new maze, in unknown territory and I can smell the cheese....Now its just finding my way through the obstacles to get to it.... Like the mouse, I know I will find it and even with the uncomfortable trials to find it, I am coming up to more openings than dead ends....Its a bitter sweet experience, but I am on the hunt for the cheese.... I am confident that when I find it, it will taste, smell and feel different, but at least I am on the new path and not trying to go back to what I know doesn't work...
Ahhh, life, its funny how it works, but I have to realize that my life up to this point has lead me through many mazes....They have always been scary and unsure, but once I find the cheese, oh how sweet it is!!
Just thought I would share this as it has been an old lesson that has come back to life for me...
Just remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results... I am not, and have not been getting different results so its time to do something different....No matter what, I am assured a different and amazing result...
Thanks for all of you tolerating me without my big girl panties and so you know, I am putting them back on and getting back in the game... I surely do appreciate all your support and encouragement... Its high time I get my groove back and I have always "kicked ass" when I take on new things... I am READY to be kicking ass again...I have grown tired of getting my ass kicked!!
I hope I have not tired you all with my negativity, but I honestly feel like I am back on the path to something great and am excited to see what unfolds!
I am blessed to have a wonderful woman as my partner in this and even in the most uncomfortable part of all of this, she believes in me....I am blessed!!
Peace.....Brad
So for years, scientists have been testing mice and one of the tests is to put a mouse in a maze with cheese at the end in a hole that is the reward for the effort.
What happens is there is cheese put in one end and the mouse put in the other of the maze...The mouse goes through the maze to find the cheese and immediately the mouse remembers the path....Every time you put the mouse in the hole, he will work his way through the maze to find the cheese.
Then you take the cheese from the hole and place it in another portion of the maze and set the mouse in the maze... The mouse will take the same path back to where he knows the cheese in and finds no cheese...Take the mouse out, he will try the same path again....take him out again and set him back and he might try another time....finding no cheese in the hole.
So, you set the mouse in a third or fourth time and this time he tries a different route to locate the cheese...He makes a different effort to find the cheese, realizing there is no cheese in the old hole...
Now many times mice mirror humans but in this exercise they are different...
Humans, we will find our way through the maze and get the cheese, but take the cheese away and put it in another spot and humans will go back time and time again, the same route, expecting to find the cheese...OVER and OVER again....
Hence, we get a reward once or twice for our efforts, we think that a continuation of this path will eventually get us the cheese again, and it never does... So, there is a saying many people have heard when it comes to efforts that don't get them the reward anymore....
THERE AIN'T NO CHEESE IN THAT HOLE!!!
After hearing this story the first time, I have constantly reminded myself of this story...
Based on my efforts for the last year or two, I have been taking the same route, over and over and have not found the cheese for a very long time...
I guess with this last shift in my life, I have finally found that the efforts I used before to get the cheese is not producing the reward....But me, being human, have gone back and back again.... I guess I have now realized, THERE AIN'T NO CHEESE IN THAT HOLE so this is a big part of why I am taking a new path...
I don't know the route through the maze and am sure I will hit some dead ends here and there, but I know the cheese is there, I just have to find the route to get it....
So here I am, back in a new maze, trying to find the cheese... The good thing is that I am finding more openings than walls....Even though running into those walls is painful....Separating from Donna, leaving my comfort zone, uprooting where I feel safe and comfortable, but I have to remember, the cheese is there...Its really is....But I have finally come to the realization, the old path, there just ain't no cheese there!
So, here I am, in a new maze, in unknown territory and I can smell the cheese....Now its just finding my way through the obstacles to get to it.... Like the mouse, I know I will find it and even with the uncomfortable trials to find it, I am coming up to more openings than dead ends....Its a bitter sweet experience, but I am on the hunt for the cheese.... I am confident that when I find it, it will taste, smell and feel different, but at least I am on the new path and not trying to go back to what I know doesn't work...
Ahhh, life, its funny how it works, but I have to realize that my life up to this point has lead me through many mazes....They have always been scary and unsure, but once I find the cheese, oh how sweet it is!!
Just thought I would share this as it has been an old lesson that has come back to life for me...
Just remember, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results... I am not, and have not been getting different results so its time to do something different....No matter what, I am assured a different and amazing result...
Thanks for all of you tolerating me without my big girl panties and so you know, I am putting them back on and getting back in the game... I surely do appreciate all your support and encouragement... Its high time I get my groove back and I have always "kicked ass" when I take on new things... I am READY to be kicking ass again...I have grown tired of getting my ass kicked!!
I hope I have not tired you all with my negativity, but I honestly feel like I am back on the path to something great and am excited to see what unfolds!
I am blessed to have a wonderful woman as my partner in this and even in the most uncomfortable part of all of this, she believes in me....I am blessed!!
Peace.....Brad
The Apartment....
So I get home from the interview and start hunting for apartments.....UUUUUGH!!!!
I find a few and call on them, they are all gone....I find a few others and they are trashy trailers and not very nice...And in all reality, too big for what I need.
All I need is a VERY small one bedroom, efficiency/studio apartment that I can be comfortable in and lay my head down at night...Something furnished would be even better!
So I hunt, and I hunt, and I hunt..... I call contacts I know, send out e-mails, reach out to as many people as I can, broaden my search area....I am coming up with nothing...Or with things that are WAY too expensive....Then I find an add on craigslist...
Small studio apartment on River Road below canyon dam...Clean and 600.00 a month. I give them a call and they say they will go month to month.
River Road in New Braunfels is one of my favorite places in Texas...Its absolutely beautiful canyon below the dam that the Guadalupe River runs through...This is the river that everyone in Texas has floated and drank beer at some point in their native Texan life...Its an amazing place. Any time I can, I like to get on my bike and make a trip to New Braunfels JUST to ride this road.
I called the people and told them I would be out in about 2 hours to look at the place, I jumped on Lucy (my bike), called Brandi (my middle daughter) to go with me, and we were off....
It was a beautiful day for a ride but the wind absolutely killed us on this trip...It was a long ride to the apartment.
So, when we get there, I am EXTREMELY familiar with this area.... There were a group of trailers that many of the guys from the Sheriffs Department use to rent years ago when I was working there....A lot of the guys stayed in those trailers and I had even been there once or twice... Its a GREAT place on River Road... Away from the crowds but only a few minutes from just about everything cool in New Braunfels.
Well, this apartment is attached to a barn, 3 doors up the river from those cabins.... A BEAUTIFUL AREA!!!
As I met the owners (The Brooks) I found they are both retired teachers and pretty laid back...easy going, soft spoken...Just seemed like good folks... Kinda reminded me of burning man folks (not the extreme ones) or maybe some Folk Fest type folks.... Genuine, friendly, our type of people for sure....I liked them!
As we got off the bike, they came out to greet us and took us to see the apartment.... We walked around the barn and into a little yard that was high fences with hog panels to keep the deer out and a stone front porch with about two steps that lead up to the front door...The building was "barn" red and had plenty of windows.... The view from the porch was spectacular...Rolling hills and a place I had admired for many years!
We walked into the apartment and it was immaculate...Clean, white walls, ceramic tile and yes, a studio apartment!! There was a full size bed up against the wall, a small kitchen and a nice large bathroom... This place was TIIIIIII-NY....Prob 450-500 sq ft of space and the bedroom, living room and dining room are one in the same.... But in all reality, for what I need, its PERFECT and only 10 miles from my office....So we got to negotiating...
As we chatted, it looked like they would have all the furnishings I needed for the place (and then some....These folks would be the guys from American Pickers dream to go through their stuff...The barn is FULL of stuff!) and we discussed utilities and such.... The rent was 600.00 a month...I told her I would pay 2 months up front and was planning on only staying for three months....
She said...
"Well, you know, it costs 100.00 for you to just transfer the electric over to your name, PLUS the monthly expense....How about you just pay me 70.00 more a month and I will include all the utilities that way you don't have to pay the 100.00?"
"UH, DEAL!"
As we chatted, I told her about my needs for furniture and she took me to the barn (which has a washer and drier for me to use as well) and we found a coffee table and two leather chairs as well as some pots, pans, coffee maker and some other cool little things.... By the time I left, the place was already livable!
So I gave her 600.00 deposit for the apartment and told her I would have the 1340.00 for her on the 26th when I moved in...She agreed! I would like to take Heidi with me, but she wants another 250.00 deposit for a pet...So for now, it looks like its just gunna be me.
I called Donna and ran it all down to her and expectedly, she was less than enthused about it....Neither of us like the idea of us living apart, but if we have to, at least this is a nice cozy place for me to live and her to come visit me...We both love this area and I know she will love it when she gets use to it.
Looks like the only thing I will have to get hooked up is cable and get the incidentals for bedding, plates, towels, utensils, etc....
So, here we go...The ride is rolling and I think this day was one of the "over the humps, hands in the air, scared as hell, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" moments.
I have to say, it is uncomfortable to think about living away from Donna....I have lived with her almost everyday for 16 years with a week or two here and there when I went hunting or to see my folks for something.... Its gonna be something new for sure.
I do have to add, on my way home I started to think.... "this has to be the right thing...Too many things are falling into place for it not to be....Its been too easy to this point so it must be the right thing to do...If it wasn't, it wouldn't be happening.... TRUST THE PROCESS!!
When doors start opening, keep walking through them...Don't turn you back and go back to the doors being slammed in your face.... If its moving forward, move forward with it....GO WITH THE FLOW!!!
I think of the story of the little crab holding onto the rock in a stream.... All the other animals would swim by and tell him...."Let go, let go....let the flow take you, its amazing!!" The little crab always refused, terrified of the unknown and just wouldn't let go of that rock...Sometimes holding onto it to the point of exhaustion.... He just wouldn't let go...the fear was too intense!!
One day, while holding the rock, he had something run into him and jarred his grip loose from it...he was terrified, petrified and screaming in fear....He didn't know what to do so he fought the current, swam against it, struggled and fought...As he did, he was bumped off of rocks, run into sticks, hitting other obstacles because he was so focused on the upstream fight, he couldn't see the obstacles coming at him and was blindsided by them, victim to the injury of the obstacles....
Finally the crab saw his fight was futile and he decided to turn around SURRENDER to the current and just FLOW with it....
When he did, he started to feel the excitement of the ride....He could see the obstacles coming at him and with just a little movement he could avoid them, he wasn't getting slammed against things anymore and as he got comfortable, he realized the brilliance and the beauty of the things he passed, rays of sunlight, lilly pads, other fish and animals the glory and thrill of the ride....
As he rode the stream, he looked back and thought to himself....Why did I ever resist? Man, this is amazing!! Life is brilliant and fabulous...Sometimes you just have to let go of the things you think are making you secure and know its never THINGS that make you secure!!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I have let go of the rock..... I am going with the flow.....
Below are the pics of the little apartment.... Emphasis on the word LITTLE!!
From the porch view to the left (and the little yard)
The front porch, the front of the apartment, Brandi and my landlord
I find a few and call on them, they are all gone....I find a few others and they are trashy trailers and not very nice...And in all reality, too big for what I need.
All I need is a VERY small one bedroom, efficiency/studio apartment that I can be comfortable in and lay my head down at night...Something furnished would be even better!
So I hunt, and I hunt, and I hunt..... I call contacts I know, send out e-mails, reach out to as many people as I can, broaden my search area....I am coming up with nothing...Or with things that are WAY too expensive....Then I find an add on craigslist...
Small studio apartment on River Road below canyon dam...Clean and 600.00 a month. I give them a call and they say they will go month to month.
River Road in New Braunfels is one of my favorite places in Texas...Its absolutely beautiful canyon below the dam that the Guadalupe River runs through...This is the river that everyone in Texas has floated and drank beer at some point in their native Texan life...Its an amazing place. Any time I can, I like to get on my bike and make a trip to New Braunfels JUST to ride this road.
I called the people and told them I would be out in about 2 hours to look at the place, I jumped on Lucy (my bike), called Brandi (my middle daughter) to go with me, and we were off....
It was a beautiful day for a ride but the wind absolutely killed us on this trip...It was a long ride to the apartment.
So, when we get there, I am EXTREMELY familiar with this area.... There were a group of trailers that many of the guys from the Sheriffs Department use to rent years ago when I was working there....A lot of the guys stayed in those trailers and I had even been there once or twice... Its a GREAT place on River Road... Away from the crowds but only a few minutes from just about everything cool in New Braunfels.
Well, this apartment is attached to a barn, 3 doors up the river from those cabins.... A BEAUTIFUL AREA!!!
As I met the owners (The Brooks) I found they are both retired teachers and pretty laid back...easy going, soft spoken...Just seemed like good folks... Kinda reminded me of burning man folks (not the extreme ones) or maybe some Folk Fest type folks.... Genuine, friendly, our type of people for sure....I liked them!
As we got off the bike, they came out to greet us and took us to see the apartment.... We walked around the barn and into a little yard that was high fences with hog panels to keep the deer out and a stone front porch with about two steps that lead up to the front door...The building was "barn" red and had plenty of windows.... The view from the porch was spectacular...Rolling hills and a place I had admired for many years!
We walked into the apartment and it was immaculate...Clean, white walls, ceramic tile and yes, a studio apartment!! There was a full size bed up against the wall, a small kitchen and a nice large bathroom... This place was TIIIIIII-NY....Prob 450-500 sq ft of space and the bedroom, living room and dining room are one in the same.... But in all reality, for what I need, its PERFECT and only 10 miles from my office....So we got to negotiating...
As we chatted, it looked like they would have all the furnishings I needed for the place (and then some....These folks would be the guys from American Pickers dream to go through their stuff...The barn is FULL of stuff!) and we discussed utilities and such.... The rent was 600.00 a month...I told her I would pay 2 months up front and was planning on only staying for three months....
She said...
"Well, you know, it costs 100.00 for you to just transfer the electric over to your name, PLUS the monthly expense....How about you just pay me 70.00 more a month and I will include all the utilities that way you don't have to pay the 100.00?"
"UH, DEAL!"
As we chatted, I told her about my needs for furniture and she took me to the barn (which has a washer and drier for me to use as well) and we found a coffee table and two leather chairs as well as some pots, pans, coffee maker and some other cool little things.... By the time I left, the place was already livable!
So I gave her 600.00 deposit for the apartment and told her I would have the 1340.00 for her on the 26th when I moved in...She agreed! I would like to take Heidi with me, but she wants another 250.00 deposit for a pet...So for now, it looks like its just gunna be me.
I called Donna and ran it all down to her and expectedly, she was less than enthused about it....Neither of us like the idea of us living apart, but if we have to, at least this is a nice cozy place for me to live and her to come visit me...We both love this area and I know she will love it when she gets use to it.
Looks like the only thing I will have to get hooked up is cable and get the incidentals for bedding, plates, towels, utensils, etc....
So, here we go...The ride is rolling and I think this day was one of the "over the humps, hands in the air, scared as hell, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" moments.
I have to say, it is uncomfortable to think about living away from Donna....I have lived with her almost everyday for 16 years with a week or two here and there when I went hunting or to see my folks for something.... Its gonna be something new for sure.
I do have to add, on my way home I started to think.... "this has to be the right thing...Too many things are falling into place for it not to be....Its been too easy to this point so it must be the right thing to do...If it wasn't, it wouldn't be happening.... TRUST THE PROCESS!!
When doors start opening, keep walking through them...Don't turn you back and go back to the doors being slammed in your face.... If its moving forward, move forward with it....GO WITH THE FLOW!!!
I think of the story of the little crab holding onto the rock in a stream.... All the other animals would swim by and tell him...."Let go, let go....let the flow take you, its amazing!!" The little crab always refused, terrified of the unknown and just wouldn't let go of that rock...Sometimes holding onto it to the point of exhaustion.... He just wouldn't let go...the fear was too intense!!
One day, while holding the rock, he had something run into him and jarred his grip loose from it...he was terrified, petrified and screaming in fear....He didn't know what to do so he fought the current, swam against it, struggled and fought...As he did, he was bumped off of rocks, run into sticks, hitting other obstacles because he was so focused on the upstream fight, he couldn't see the obstacles coming at him and was blindsided by them, victim to the injury of the obstacles....
Finally the crab saw his fight was futile and he decided to turn around SURRENDER to the current and just FLOW with it....
When he did, he started to feel the excitement of the ride....He could see the obstacles coming at him and with just a little movement he could avoid them, he wasn't getting slammed against things anymore and as he got comfortable, he realized the brilliance and the beauty of the things he passed, rays of sunlight, lilly pads, other fish and animals the glory and thrill of the ride....
As he rode the stream, he looked back and thought to himself....Why did I ever resist? Man, this is amazing!! Life is brilliant and fabulous...Sometimes you just have to let go of the things you think are making you secure and know its never THINGS that make you secure!!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I have let go of the rock..... I am going with the flow.....
Below are the pics of the little apartment.... Emphasis on the word LITTLE!!
This is the inside facing from the bed to the kitchen. the room on the right is the bathroom
This is facing from the kitchen....See, its SMALL!!
From the porch view facing to the right (and the little yard)
The Interview...
So on Tuesday 3-15-2011, I was to be at Silver Leaf resorts in Canyon Lake Texas for an interview. Donna and I had been talking and realized that if this job was a "go" it was going to result in some HUGE life changes for us.
If I am offered and take the job, I am going to have to move to the Canyon Lake area as its a 1 1/2 hour drive one way and to try and do that with gas prices and the inconvenience... It just wasn't the best solution. So, the best solution is to find a place to live THERE and we see each other on our days off.... Something small, something simple and someplace just to lay my head, close to where I work and get to it!
Neither of us like the idea of living apart but student loans are closing in, motorcycle payments, expenses....AND, I am going NUTS not having a job!! Retirement will never suit me!
So, we decided to just take it one step at a time and go to the interview... I was to be there at 10:00am.
As is pretty general with me, I was there at 9:30am and went to the front desk in the lobby area of the resort...Coat, tie, briefcase...I was READY! I would rather be 30 minutes early than 30 seconds late!
As I sat there, people started to flood into the lobby... This job is a job selling timeshares....This is kinda how it goes....
You sign up for a gift of some kind at HEB, Kroger, Wal-Mart, etc.... To get your gift, you have to go to this resort and listen to a 90 minute presentation to buy into the timeshares....Well, apparently a BUNCH of people like the gift idea because this room is flooded.
Now don't get me wrong, this place is absolutely AMAZING (http://www.silverleafresorts.com/resorts/hill-country-resort), its HUGE and it sits right on Canyon Lake...As a matter of fact, I had driven by this place many times thinking it was condos and saying "Man, those are nice, I could DEFINATELY live there.... I found it odd as I pulled into the parking lot that this is a place I have admired since I first saw it 10-15 years ago.
I love the area...New Braunfels is a GREAT town, River Road is one of my favorite places in Texas...Gruen Hall is just a few minutes away, Luckenbach is about 45 minutes away, the lake is magnificent, the river is amazing, it is in the hills....Man, I just have always loved this area.... Donna and I had even considered moving to this area a few times...
No accidents??
So as I sit in the lobby, the place continues to fill up and then I see a number of people in slacks, nice shirts, ties, etc....Go grab sheets of paper, call names, people stand up and they take them off to talk to them with a little white notebook that says "Hill Country Resort" on the cover.... Almost like a conveyor of people taking people....
I sit there and now its 10:45... For those of you that know me, to have a 10:00appt and to wait until 10:45 is absolutely INSANE for me and any other time I would have left by 10:30 but something was telling me to stay.
So I walked back up to the counter, explained to the snotty little spiky haired fat boy that I was scheduled for 10:00am by the director and was now waiting 45 minutes....
"Oh Sir, surely you dint talk to XXX....You must have talked to xxx, a recruiter."
"No, I talked directly to XXX and she set this time"
"Are you sure"
I felt like saying.... Look you asshole, do I look like I am fricking stupid? I know who I frickin talked to, just go tell her she is late...And quit being a frickin jackwagon before I slap that gel out your head!....
But I didn't....
"Yes, I am positive."
"OK well let me go tell her again."
10 minutes later, a large Hispanic man comes into the room and calls my name... I walk up to meet him and he extends his hand...
"Ted xxxxx, your brad?"
"Yes sir, nice to meet you"
"Just follow me, we will go talk for a minute"
We walk into this room and it is all small dining room tables with a salesman at each table going through their presentations with the people they had called... The room is packed!
"So, tell me what you do."
I went on and explained my education, Golden Intentions, etc....
"Why do you want to do this?"
"My friend Rudy xxxxx...."
"OH, I know Rudy"
"Well Rudy and I have been friends for a very long time...he has been trying to get me to come to work for him for years but I just refuse to leave the Hill Country. He says I am perfect for it, that I will do great, and he referred me here so here I am!"
"Great, when can you start?"
"uhhhhhhhhh....I.......uhhhhhhhhhh"
"How about next Tuesday?"
"uhhhhhhh...I....Uhhhhhhhhh.....Wait a minute man, I need some details on this...How it works, how I get paid, hours...things like that"
So he went on...Talking very fast (like a salesman)....
"You make xxx on your sales....you do this, you do that, you say this, you say that, you don't close, you just do this and do that....."
"OK, wait a minute....Listening to you and Rudy talk about this...Tell me, whats the downside?"
"You have to get ready to hear "NO" a lot....for every 10 no's you will get 2 yeses....You get 2 yeses a week and you will make xxxx a week...That simple....You make 10 yeses a month and you get 10% more" You have as many ups as you want and its up to you to take what you want...Each presentation is about 90 minutes and you will never do more than 4 presentations a day."
He went on and even mocked a typical sell and how it goes...He pointed out the major issues and then even explained how those issues wouldnt be my problem...when I ot to those, I get a manager and they handled those issues.
He explained there is no cutthraots like the car busines, its all up to the individual and explained how easy it was.... I have to train for three days, ride along with a salesman on the 4th day and then I am on my own....I have to learn a script and once I get the script down, its all about personality.
"So, when do you want to start?"
"Well, I need to get a place to live here so next week is a little soon...Can you give me 2 weeks?"
"Yup, 2 weeks....Tuesday the 29th, 9:00am, right here, shirt and tie, professional....get ready to get started....4 days and then you are on your own!"
"Look man, I just want to ask you.... I have a home, I am established in Kerrville, I am thinking about seperating from my family, uprooting myself and moving here...Is this gunna be worth it?"
"Hell yes its worth it....This is the easiest sales job in the world...You learn the script, don't get in the way, you will make money.... Brad, you see that woman over my shoulder?"
I looked and say a young blonde woman giving a presentation...maybe 30 years old.... and I nodded...
"She was a teacher...Was waiting tables at night to make ends meet...Working her butt off and still not making it.... Brad, she is making 6 figures a year! I have been in sales all my life and this is the easiest shit I have ever sold.... Its easy man, you just have to be able to hear NO and if you can handle that, then you will be fine...Your educated, your professional...You will be fine!"
"OK man, lets do it!"
"OK, C-Ya on the 29th...you got my name, call me if you need anything!"
We stood up, shook hands and he was off...
I walked out of the building and felt like I just got off a rollercoaster...My head was spinning, my stomach was in knots, I was scared, confused...HOLY SHIT!! What had I just done!!??
I drove off and went about a block and I had to pull over into a parking lot to catch my breath....
I called Donna...
"I got the job"
"ALRIGHT!! You like it?"
"I don't know, I am a little overwhelmed right now....Not sure how I feel but my stomach is twisted"
and I went on to tell her the details.... I took a deep breath and said....
"Oh man, now its time for the big shift...Guess I need to find a place....Holy shit babe...Here we go...The ride is on!!"
I hung up with her and called Rudy....
"OK Rudy, I got the job, I sart the 29th"
"Sweet man, I am excited for ya!"
"Dude, I gotta tell ya, I am scared bro!"
"Trick, you used to have fools shooting at you, trying to run you down with cars and stab you with knives and THIS Scares you!?"
"I know what to do when fools shoot at me...I don't know what to do here."
"Look Brad, you will be fine man...really brother, you are MADE for this....I have said it for years....You are going to fly man...I bet in 6 months you will be in managment....Just get in, pay attention to the training and learn the script....It will take you a couple of weeks and once you get comfortable with the script, you turn on your personality and brother, you are gunna kill it!! I have friggin idiots that have sold this shit man...it sells itself, you will see!!"
"Well Rudy, I will tell you right now...The ONLY thing I am going on in this moment is that I trust you...THATS IT!"
"Your gunna be fine bro...I promise! You will be thanking me in a month!"
So we chatted a bit and then I got back on the road and just gave myself some windshield time to think about all that was taking place....new job, me moving, etc....
By the time I got home, I realized the worst case scenerio....
"I hate it, it doesnt work, I come home.... I pay 3-4k for the move and expenses and if it doesnt work out, thats all that is lost... Lesson learned!!
I have spent A LOT more money on lessons learned before!!!
SO now it ws time to find a place to live....
If I am offered and take the job, I am going to have to move to the Canyon Lake area as its a 1 1/2 hour drive one way and to try and do that with gas prices and the inconvenience... It just wasn't the best solution. So, the best solution is to find a place to live THERE and we see each other on our days off.... Something small, something simple and someplace just to lay my head, close to where I work and get to it!
Neither of us like the idea of living apart but student loans are closing in, motorcycle payments, expenses....AND, I am going NUTS not having a job!! Retirement will never suit me!
So, we decided to just take it one step at a time and go to the interview... I was to be there at 10:00am.
As is pretty general with me, I was there at 9:30am and went to the front desk in the lobby area of the resort...Coat, tie, briefcase...I was READY! I would rather be 30 minutes early than 30 seconds late!
As I sat there, people started to flood into the lobby... This job is a job selling timeshares....This is kinda how it goes....
You sign up for a gift of some kind at HEB, Kroger, Wal-Mart, etc.... To get your gift, you have to go to this resort and listen to a 90 minute presentation to buy into the timeshares....Well, apparently a BUNCH of people like the gift idea because this room is flooded.
Now don't get me wrong, this place is absolutely AMAZING (http://www.silverleafresorts.com/resorts/hill-country-resort), its HUGE and it sits right on Canyon Lake...As a matter of fact, I had driven by this place many times thinking it was condos and saying "Man, those are nice, I could DEFINATELY live there.... I found it odd as I pulled into the parking lot that this is a place I have admired since I first saw it 10-15 years ago.
I love the area...New Braunfels is a GREAT town, River Road is one of my favorite places in Texas...Gruen Hall is just a few minutes away, Luckenbach is about 45 minutes away, the lake is magnificent, the river is amazing, it is in the hills....Man, I just have always loved this area.... Donna and I had even considered moving to this area a few times...
No accidents??
So as I sit in the lobby, the place continues to fill up and then I see a number of people in slacks, nice shirts, ties, etc....Go grab sheets of paper, call names, people stand up and they take them off to talk to them with a little white notebook that says "Hill Country Resort" on the cover.... Almost like a conveyor of people taking people....
I sit there and now its 10:45... For those of you that know me, to have a 10:00appt and to wait until 10:45 is absolutely INSANE for me and any other time I would have left by 10:30 but something was telling me to stay.
So I walked back up to the counter, explained to the snotty little spiky haired fat boy that I was scheduled for 10:00am by the director and was now waiting 45 minutes....
"Oh Sir, surely you dint talk to XXX....You must have talked to xxx, a recruiter."
"No, I talked directly to XXX and she set this time"
"Are you sure"
I felt like saying.... Look you asshole, do I look like I am fricking stupid? I know who I frickin talked to, just go tell her she is late...And quit being a frickin jackwagon before I slap that gel out your head!....
But I didn't....
"Yes, I am positive."
"OK well let me go tell her again."
10 minutes later, a large Hispanic man comes into the room and calls my name... I walk up to meet him and he extends his hand...
"Ted xxxxx, your brad?"
"Yes sir, nice to meet you"
"Just follow me, we will go talk for a minute"
We walk into this room and it is all small dining room tables with a salesman at each table going through their presentations with the people they had called... The room is packed!
"So, tell me what you do."
I went on and explained my education, Golden Intentions, etc....
"Why do you want to do this?"
"My friend Rudy xxxxx...."
"OH, I know Rudy"
"Well Rudy and I have been friends for a very long time...he has been trying to get me to come to work for him for years but I just refuse to leave the Hill Country. He says I am perfect for it, that I will do great, and he referred me here so here I am!"
"Great, when can you start?"
"uhhhhhhhhh....I.......uhhhhhhhhhh"
"How about next Tuesday?"
"uhhhhhhh...I....Uhhhhhhhhh.....Wait a minute man, I need some details on this...How it works, how I get paid, hours...things like that"
So he went on...Talking very fast (like a salesman)....
"You make xxx on your sales....you do this, you do that, you say this, you say that, you don't close, you just do this and do that....."
"OK, wait a minute....Listening to you and Rudy talk about this...Tell me, whats the downside?"
"You have to get ready to hear "NO" a lot....for every 10 no's you will get 2 yeses....You get 2 yeses a week and you will make xxxx a week...That simple....You make 10 yeses a month and you get 10% more" You have as many ups as you want and its up to you to take what you want...Each presentation is about 90 minutes and you will never do more than 4 presentations a day."
He went on and even mocked a typical sell and how it goes...He pointed out the major issues and then even explained how those issues wouldnt be my problem...when I ot to those, I get a manager and they handled those issues.
He explained there is no cutthraots like the car busines, its all up to the individual and explained how easy it was.... I have to train for three days, ride along with a salesman on the 4th day and then I am on my own....I have to learn a script and once I get the script down, its all about personality.
"So, when do you want to start?"
"Well, I need to get a place to live here so next week is a little soon...Can you give me 2 weeks?"
"Yup, 2 weeks....Tuesday the 29th, 9:00am, right here, shirt and tie, professional....get ready to get started....4 days and then you are on your own!"
"Look man, I just want to ask you.... I have a home, I am established in Kerrville, I am thinking about seperating from my family, uprooting myself and moving here...Is this gunna be worth it?"
"Hell yes its worth it....This is the easiest sales job in the world...You learn the script, don't get in the way, you will make money.... Brad, you see that woman over my shoulder?"
I looked and say a young blonde woman giving a presentation...maybe 30 years old.... and I nodded...
"She was a teacher...Was waiting tables at night to make ends meet...Working her butt off and still not making it.... Brad, she is making 6 figures a year! I have been in sales all my life and this is the easiest shit I have ever sold.... Its easy man, you just have to be able to hear NO and if you can handle that, then you will be fine...Your educated, your professional...You will be fine!"
"OK man, lets do it!"
"OK, C-Ya on the 29th...you got my name, call me if you need anything!"
We stood up, shook hands and he was off...
I walked out of the building and felt like I just got off a rollercoaster...My head was spinning, my stomach was in knots, I was scared, confused...HOLY SHIT!! What had I just done!!??
I drove off and went about a block and I had to pull over into a parking lot to catch my breath....
I called Donna...
"I got the job"
"ALRIGHT!! You like it?"
"I don't know, I am a little overwhelmed right now....Not sure how I feel but my stomach is twisted"
and I went on to tell her the details.... I took a deep breath and said....
"Oh man, now its time for the big shift...Guess I need to find a place....Holy shit babe...Here we go...The ride is on!!"
I hung up with her and called Rudy....
"OK Rudy, I got the job, I sart the 29th"
"Sweet man, I am excited for ya!"
"Dude, I gotta tell ya, I am scared bro!"
"Trick, you used to have fools shooting at you, trying to run you down with cars and stab you with knives and THIS Scares you!?"
"I know what to do when fools shoot at me...I don't know what to do here."
"Look Brad, you will be fine man...really brother, you are MADE for this....I have said it for years....You are going to fly man...I bet in 6 months you will be in managment....Just get in, pay attention to the training and learn the script....It will take you a couple of weeks and once you get comfortable with the script, you turn on your personality and brother, you are gunna kill it!! I have friggin idiots that have sold this shit man...it sells itself, you will see!!"
"Well Rudy, I will tell you right now...The ONLY thing I am going on in this moment is that I trust you...THATS IT!"
"Your gunna be fine bro...I promise! You will be thanking me in a month!"
So we chatted a bit and then I got back on the road and just gave myself some windshield time to think about all that was taking place....new job, me moving, etc....
By the time I got home, I realized the worst case scenerio....
"I hate it, it doesnt work, I come home.... I pay 3-4k for the move and expenses and if it doesnt work out, thats all that is lost... Lesson learned!!
I have spent A LOT more money on lessons learned before!!!
SO now it ws time to find a place to live....
SHIFTING gears
So, January hits (which was my target date to launch Golden Intentions) and the first week the news informs me that the State of Texas is cutting legislation to schools for at risk programs, youth programs, etc... by 80%... This was the money I was going to go chasing for with my company so needless to say, the year didn't start off so great. As I continue to try and move forward, I keep meeting resistance and then a week or so later, hear that Texas is cutting 1100 teacher jobs statewide....THIS is not good!
I had secured a gig with K'STAR for an all day event and was going to make about 8k on the gig... Didn't take long after these cuts to lose this gig. Not only did the state cut funding to schools, many of the grants and funding sources to social working organizations is getting cut as well. It was starting to look like my wave of momentum with Golden Intentions and just slammed on the beach....It was time to get back into the job hunt.
So, in February, I started to dig around for jobs. I didn't really want to go back into direct care or case management and was hoping to break out of that 30/35k a year pay bracket... I have the education and the experience to search out upper echelon positions and started to look for program director, administrative positions, executive director positions, etc...
Well, I found out very quickly that humans are a part of nature and mirror nature in many aspects... Just like an ant pile....there are 1000 worker ants and 1 queen... When I went to look for jobs, they were scarce to say the least, but I went at them with a vengeance.
I customized my resume to each position, created my cover letter to suit the job cleaned up my suit and went balls to the wall..... WHAM!!! Walls were gong to be getting hit a BUNCH!!!
After 30 resumes, I got one interview with an organization called ChildSafe in San Antonio as one of the directors....The interview was great, it was scheduled for an hour and we spend 2 1/2 hours together...I was SURE I got the job! 2 weeks later, IN AN E-MAIL after chasing the ED around, I was notified I wasn't chosen...WHAM!! Another wall!!
I found another job (Operation Homefront)...Same deal.....great interview, great job, things went well, I felt good... WHAM!!! Yup!!! CONCRETE!!
Then the letters started to come in for other jobs....
"Dear Mr. Golden, after reviewing your resume and qualifications we must state we are quite impressed with your experience and skills....BUUUUUUT!!!!!
Why don't they just send a letter that says "Thanks for caring, screw you for sharing...?"
I even got one letter that said I was "overqualified"....You think that sounds cool, but it isn't...Its very aggravating!! If I thought I was overqualified, I wouldn't have put in for the damn thing!
Then I found a job locally that was NOT what I wanted to make money wise but now its March and I still have no job...This was local, I would be working for an amazing woman and the job itself was really pretty cool.
I put in my resume, went for the interview and I thought it went well. Buuuuuuut, a week later... WHAM!!! (funny thing is it was starting to not hurt now) Another denial.... I was really glad at least this time I was offered feedback on the interview. I was told I did well but got the....
"Brad, I just don't think you would be happy with this job and the pay and in all reality, jobs like this you are really overqualified for"
Now don't get me wrong...I LOVE this lady but as I sat there I was thinking.... "How in the hell am I overqualified to pay my stinking bills??? I wonder if the people holding my student loans and other loans would take this as an excuse for me not making payment??
"I am sorry I cant make this payment, I am overqualified to make the money to send you!"
Frustrated, down in the dumps, totally beaten down, I walked out of that office and went home. I sat down in my garage and cried in my soup for a bit, woe-esd me for a time, wanted to break shit, had a nice pity party and then just decided that this was a message....
Now I have not gone into details about other aspects of my life that have been going on at this time but rest assured, the DRAMA has been 20x worse outside of the job hunt... It has been a REALLY crappy year so far to say the LEAST!
House flooding, insurance companies, installers, tires on my truck, fillings in teeth, oil burning on the truck, Friends in my life losing their ever loving mind.... I really considered becoming a country song writer for a bit... I sure had the bullshit in my life for the lyrics....NOTHING was going right....EVERY fricking turn I made I was running into walls.... I even started to just laugh about it, make jokes....Shit, if I didn't, I was gunna snap!! I SIMPLY could NOT get a break!!
I even told my sister... "Shit, I gotta laugh...What are my other choices??? Polishing my assault rifle??? Stabbing assholes in the face with pencils??? Pulling the wings off of flies and laughing as I watch them hop around my table??"
As of about a week ago, I think I was probably in one of the lowest places of my life... I was really starting to feel the depression settling in... Sleeping sucks, taking two naps a day, stomach a mess, just cant seem to find an "up beat" and even getting concerned about my health... So, I went back to what I know as a truth (but trust me, I was/am questioning this truth)
"Whats the definition of insanity??? Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"
I was doing the same thing....online, jobs, resumes, interviews, etc....same result...NO J-O-B!!
"The Universe speaks to us all the time... Are you listening?"
What is the universe telling me?? That what I am doing isn't working....Time to SHIFT!!
"Quit doing what isn't working"
Clearly, what I am doing ISN'T working so STOP IT!!
"It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us"
In the pit I am in, I cant see any light and as I look up, I am getting dirt thrown in my face...
"Truth is perception"
I have my Masters degree.... I can get a job JUST because of that (not a truth anymore)
I have work experience that makes me stand out above the crowd (based on results, not a truth anymore)
Finding a job with a Masters degree is easy (DEFINITELY not a truth...Can I get my 23k back please?)
So now, it was time to really start shifting into something unknown....
I started to review overseas contracts so I could go work for a security company in Iraq or Aghanastan...Although it sounded very exciting, I didn't want to leave Donna for that long, so this was a LAST option.
Went to check on re-instating my Peace Officer license and just go a different direction with it (TABC, Tex Parks and Wildlife, etc....) But as I even talked about it, it made me sick to think of going back and putting a rig back on....I felt like I was just running to what I knew because I was scared and THAT NEVER serves a person!
I started to look nationally, for govt jobs and working in other states.... Although I was finding things, I wasn't getting any feedback from anyone and was getting no calls....Then I remembered....the Govt HAS to post those jobs but most of the time, they are already cherry picked....I might as well play the lotto if I don't have an "IN" with these places.
Then I kept hearing this voice in my head from my past.... Rudy.... My old bestest bud Rudy!!
Rudy and I were the BEST of friends for about 10 years while we were cops together. We did EVERYTHING together....From fights in the jail and on the streets to hopping bars and parties at night....We used to call ourselves the two amigos and that we were "down like two flat tires."
Well, when Rudy left Law Enforcement, we lost touch for about 5 years... About 5 years ago, through a mutual friend, we re-connected through telephone conversations. Rudy was doing amazing and was in East Texas selling timeshares. He immediately started in on me about going to work where he was, how much money I would make, how much fun it was, how suited I was for the job, etc....
However, at that time, I as pretty content and had NO DESIRE to leave the Hill Country. I told him I appreciated the offer, but was going to have to pass.
We stayed in touch via online and through social networking types of places but never really re-connected. Rudy then got a job in management in a resort in Galveston and again started to scout me to come to work for him....I was still not interested and DEFINITELY not interested in going back to Galveston....
Well, like I said....Life twists and turns and can make truths out of untruths with time and untruths out of truths.... I was sitting in my garage, crying in my SOBE water and decided to call Rudy.... He responded with a text...
"Whats up trick"
"Dude, in all honesty, are you really happy where you are and what you are doing?"
"Man, I will tell you, I was hesitant at first to come back down here, but now, its all good...I am really happy"
Although the Sheriffs Department has left a VERY bad taste in my mouth, it wasn't this that was keeping me from going back to that area....I have had enough of the Texas coast.
We went on and on and Rudy started in again about coming to work for him.... I explained my dis- taste for the area and told him that if I had to leave the Hill Country, I was going to leave Texas...
He said...
"Look man, I hate to send you here because I know you are going to do great and we compete, but go see XXX at our resort in Canyon Lake....Man, I am telling you dude, this job is ALL ABOUT you man... You will fly here bro...I PROMISE YOU!!
There was a point in my life where Rudy knew me better than anyone...We have been to hell and back together a few times... Although it has been 10 years, I still trust Rudy wouldn't lead me wrong... I also know he wouldnt do something for 10 years if he didnt like it...NO WAY!! So I sat back and said....
"SHIFT HAPPENS"
I talked to Donna about all of this, explained the money and the possibility and Rudy made one hell of a good point.... "You ain't doing nothing else! Would you rather look back and know you gave it a shot or look back and ask "what if" and THAT sold me!!
The next day called XXX and told her of my situation...She told me to come in on Tuesday the 15th of March for an interview... I accepted.
CONTINUED...........
I had secured a gig with K'STAR for an all day event and was going to make about 8k on the gig... Didn't take long after these cuts to lose this gig. Not only did the state cut funding to schools, many of the grants and funding sources to social working organizations is getting cut as well. It was starting to look like my wave of momentum with Golden Intentions and just slammed on the beach....It was time to get back into the job hunt.
So, in February, I started to dig around for jobs. I didn't really want to go back into direct care or case management and was hoping to break out of that 30/35k a year pay bracket... I have the education and the experience to search out upper echelon positions and started to look for program director, administrative positions, executive director positions, etc...
Well, I found out very quickly that humans are a part of nature and mirror nature in many aspects... Just like an ant pile....there are 1000 worker ants and 1 queen... When I went to look for jobs, they were scarce to say the least, but I went at them with a vengeance.
I customized my resume to each position, created my cover letter to suit the job cleaned up my suit and went balls to the wall..... WHAM!!! Walls were gong to be getting hit a BUNCH!!!
After 30 resumes, I got one interview with an organization called ChildSafe in San Antonio as one of the directors....The interview was great, it was scheduled for an hour and we spend 2 1/2 hours together...I was SURE I got the job! 2 weeks later, IN AN E-MAIL after chasing the ED around, I was notified I wasn't chosen...WHAM!! Another wall!!
I found another job (Operation Homefront)...Same deal.....great interview, great job, things went well, I felt good... WHAM!!! Yup!!! CONCRETE!!
Then the letters started to come in for other jobs....
"Dear Mr. Golden, after reviewing your resume and qualifications we must state we are quite impressed with your experience and skills....BUUUUUUT!!!!!
Why don't they just send a letter that says "Thanks for caring, screw you for sharing...?"
I even got one letter that said I was "overqualified"....You think that sounds cool, but it isn't...Its very aggravating!! If I thought I was overqualified, I wouldn't have put in for the damn thing!
Then I found a job locally that was NOT what I wanted to make money wise but now its March and I still have no job...This was local, I would be working for an amazing woman and the job itself was really pretty cool.
I put in my resume, went for the interview and I thought it went well. Buuuuuuut, a week later... WHAM!!! (funny thing is it was starting to not hurt now) Another denial.... I was really glad at least this time I was offered feedback on the interview. I was told I did well but got the....
"Brad, I just don't think you would be happy with this job and the pay and in all reality, jobs like this you are really overqualified for"
Now don't get me wrong...I LOVE this lady but as I sat there I was thinking.... "How in the hell am I overqualified to pay my stinking bills??? I wonder if the people holding my student loans and other loans would take this as an excuse for me not making payment??
"I am sorry I cant make this payment, I am overqualified to make the money to send you!"
Frustrated, down in the dumps, totally beaten down, I walked out of that office and went home. I sat down in my garage and cried in my soup for a bit, woe-esd me for a time, wanted to break shit, had a nice pity party and then just decided that this was a message....
Now I have not gone into details about other aspects of my life that have been going on at this time but rest assured, the DRAMA has been 20x worse outside of the job hunt... It has been a REALLY crappy year so far to say the LEAST!
House flooding, insurance companies, installers, tires on my truck, fillings in teeth, oil burning on the truck, Friends in my life losing their ever loving mind.... I really considered becoming a country song writer for a bit... I sure had the bullshit in my life for the lyrics....NOTHING was going right....EVERY fricking turn I made I was running into walls.... I even started to just laugh about it, make jokes....Shit, if I didn't, I was gunna snap!! I SIMPLY could NOT get a break!!
I even told my sister... "Shit, I gotta laugh...What are my other choices??? Polishing my assault rifle??? Stabbing assholes in the face with pencils??? Pulling the wings off of flies and laughing as I watch them hop around my table??"
As of about a week ago, I think I was probably in one of the lowest places of my life... I was really starting to feel the depression settling in... Sleeping sucks, taking two naps a day, stomach a mess, just cant seem to find an "up beat" and even getting concerned about my health... So, I went back to what I know as a truth (but trust me, I was/am questioning this truth)
"Whats the definition of insanity??? Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"
I was doing the same thing....online, jobs, resumes, interviews, etc....same result...NO J-O-B!!
"The Universe speaks to us all the time... Are you listening?"
What is the universe telling me?? That what I am doing isn't working....Time to SHIFT!!
"Quit doing what isn't working"
Clearly, what I am doing ISN'T working so STOP IT!!
"It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us"
In the pit I am in, I cant see any light and as I look up, I am getting dirt thrown in my face...
"Truth is perception"
I have my Masters degree.... I can get a job JUST because of that (not a truth anymore)
I have work experience that makes me stand out above the crowd (based on results, not a truth anymore)
Finding a job with a Masters degree is easy (DEFINITELY not a truth...Can I get my 23k back please?)
So now, it was time to really start shifting into something unknown....
I started to review overseas contracts so I could go work for a security company in Iraq or Aghanastan...Although it sounded very exciting, I didn't want to leave Donna for that long, so this was a LAST option.
Went to check on re-instating my Peace Officer license and just go a different direction with it (TABC, Tex Parks and Wildlife, etc....) But as I even talked about it, it made me sick to think of going back and putting a rig back on....I felt like I was just running to what I knew because I was scared and THAT NEVER serves a person!
I started to look nationally, for govt jobs and working in other states.... Although I was finding things, I wasn't getting any feedback from anyone and was getting no calls....Then I remembered....the Govt HAS to post those jobs but most of the time, they are already cherry picked....I might as well play the lotto if I don't have an "IN" with these places.
Then I kept hearing this voice in my head from my past.... Rudy.... My old bestest bud Rudy!!
Rudy and I were the BEST of friends for about 10 years while we were cops together. We did EVERYTHING together....From fights in the jail and on the streets to hopping bars and parties at night....We used to call ourselves the two amigos and that we were "down like two flat tires."
Well, when Rudy left Law Enforcement, we lost touch for about 5 years... About 5 years ago, through a mutual friend, we re-connected through telephone conversations. Rudy was doing amazing and was in East Texas selling timeshares. He immediately started in on me about going to work where he was, how much money I would make, how much fun it was, how suited I was for the job, etc....
However, at that time, I as pretty content and had NO DESIRE to leave the Hill Country. I told him I appreciated the offer, but was going to have to pass.
We stayed in touch via online and through social networking types of places but never really re-connected. Rudy then got a job in management in a resort in Galveston and again started to scout me to come to work for him....I was still not interested and DEFINITELY not interested in going back to Galveston....
Well, like I said....Life twists and turns and can make truths out of untruths with time and untruths out of truths.... I was sitting in my garage, crying in my SOBE water and decided to call Rudy.... He responded with a text...
"Whats up trick"
"Dude, in all honesty, are you really happy where you are and what you are doing?"
"Man, I will tell you, I was hesitant at first to come back down here, but now, its all good...I am really happy"
Although the Sheriffs Department has left a VERY bad taste in my mouth, it wasn't this that was keeping me from going back to that area....I have had enough of the Texas coast.
We went on and on and Rudy started in again about coming to work for him.... I explained my dis- taste for the area and told him that if I had to leave the Hill Country, I was going to leave Texas...
He said...
"Look man, I hate to send you here because I know you are going to do great and we compete, but go see XXX at our resort in Canyon Lake....Man, I am telling you dude, this job is ALL ABOUT you man... You will fly here bro...I PROMISE YOU!!
There was a point in my life where Rudy knew me better than anyone...We have been to hell and back together a few times... Although it has been 10 years, I still trust Rudy wouldn't lead me wrong... I also know he wouldnt do something for 10 years if he didnt like it...NO WAY!! So I sat back and said....
"SHIFT HAPPENS"
I talked to Donna about all of this, explained the money and the possibility and Rudy made one hell of a good point.... "You ain't doing nothing else! Would you rather look back and know you gave it a shot or look back and ask "what if" and THAT sold me!!
The next day called XXX and told her of my situation...She told me to come in on Tuesday the 15th of March for an interview... I accepted.
CONTINUED...........
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