So this last week or so, I have been stopping by friends houses and going to resale shops to get essentials that I need for my apartment in New Braunfels. Its hard to explain the feeling as this has taken a place.
I seem somewhat excited as I see the possibility of whats next and knowing this is part of the process, but with each piece I buy or obtain, I feel a part of me missing.... I am gathering things for this apartment that Donna and I have spent a half of a lifetime obtaining together. Its a very strange experience and not something I am familiar with.
Both Donna and I are really torn about being apart and she has been resistant to taking part in much of the process.... We had a sit down and talked about all of it and expressed our discomfort and dis-ease with all of this but we both agreed that we have to stay focused on the positive and pay attention to the things that are unfolding in front of us to assure us this is the right move....The job, the apartment coming together like it has....It really is the first time in months, in regards to a job, we have not met resistance... As much as we hate the "necessary" part of this, we agreed to try and be more positive about this experience.
On Sunday, we went to San Antonio to just hang out and shop a little and she actually bought a small rug for my bathroom.... I know this might sound silly, but this meant so very much to me....This little six dollar rug that Donna bought to make the bathroom brighter... She was seemingly coming around and now was taking part in this uncomfortable process and I have to say it was uplifting, because I just don't think I could do this alone and without her...
This week, I have had a Friend from Houston come up (Nathan) who is about 10 years younger than I am and going through a similar moment in his life....Unsure about whats next, thinking about taking a risk, feeling a little down about where he is in his life, etc...
Well, Nathan and I decided to take today and go see the apartment and move a large portion of the stuff I have to take so Donna and I don't have to take that much with us when we go this weekend. Last night, we stared to load up the trailer with the boats and other large items and that lump came back... I was even on the edge of tears but Donna was here and watching and I didn't want her to get upset with what was taking place... I knew she had to feel like I was feeling and this was definitely another large dose of reality.
This morning, I woke up early....I couldn't sleep well, too much about today on my mind, so I got up and made some coffee for me and Donna for when she started to get ready for work... I had this day on my mind and was really very sad that I was loading up a bunch of stuff to take to the apartment and she wouldn't be helping...At the same time, I was happy she was not here because of the emotional aspect.
So I went to my closet and grabbed my clothes to load into Nathans truck and there was a large void in the closet I had not seen in many years....With that void, I felt a sinking and empty feeling in my stomach to see it and then an even more sinking feeling to know Donna would come home from work tonight and see this as well.... I felt bad for us both and was pretty emotional, choked up as I took each armful of clothes off the rack and out to the truck.
I pulled our TV out of our room and our VCR/DVD player and another void...Another lump....Another sinking feeling and another moment that made me sad because I knew that Donna would be laying in bed each night and noticing this empty spot... I really HATE this part of the process!
Nathan and I were able to get all the stuff in the truck and trailer and now the garage that was full of things gathered for the apartment was empty....void....sinking.....lumps.....emotions.... It just seems to come in waves!
Its 9:15 am, March 23rd, 2011 and I am typing this with such a strange feeling in my stomach, my heart and my soul... This is going to be harder than I thought. As I close this up, I want to add that my life is what it is because of my wonderful wife and partner in this life.... As quirky and cliche' as it sounds, I really do feel that Donna COMPLETES me and I am about to go get my sweats off, put my clothes on and take a part of me and separate it from a part of me.... I truly love this woman and truly love the life we have created....I am not a religious man in any form or fashion but I have a strong faith and belief that there is something bigger than all of us out there... I do believe in God (in my way of understanding him) and really believe that there is no way that I can be allowed to experience this type of feeling and suffering without a great reward ahead... The God I understand only allows "suffering" so that you can truly understand and grasp the greatness of what comes as a result of that suffering... This has to work....There is to much leading us to this for it not too....
No matter what, if NOTHING else comes from this, I am reminded at how truly special Donna is and how truly special our life is together... I am so excited about what this is going to create for our life, but am so scared and distraught about this time I will be without her....
I know you read my blogs from time to time Donna, and when you get to this one, know that right now, in this moment, you are the biggest thing on my mind....WE are the biggest thing on my mind and I love you sooooo very much.... Thank you for ALWAYS believing in me and encouraging me, being my biggest cheerleader and supporting me in working to make our life unfold to create all the dreams we have created together.
Donna, do you remember that day we were driving around in the jeep, touring the Hill Country and we stopped at a stop sign and I turned and said something to you????? Well let me say it again....
I still, to this day, in this instant, CANNOT think of any other person in this world I would rather be experiencing this with...
I love you babe!!
And for those of you that follow my blog, I will update you on how this continues to unfold....I am signing now to take that drive to New Braunfels and I am sure the day will be filled with emotions....
Peace....Brad
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