8 months

So, this month will mark 8 months of me not having a job... I really don't count the timeshare deal as that wasn't a job as much as it was just an "experience" or a "try"....One that wasn't "me" at all.

I guess with this blog, I am more venting and documenting so I can reflect back on this time and have the appreciation for wherever I am at that time when I look back at all of this.

This is the first time in my working career (even as a teenager) where I have gone this long without a job. I have experienced unworthiness, depression, anger, resentment, questioning life as I have looked at it for a very long time...Man, this has been something "new" thats for sure.

I find myself in a gamment of emotions and they seem to change from day to day and even sometime hour to hour. I often wonder if this is natural or is this some kind of "problem" with my psyche...Although my psyche has always been in question.

Its funny though, it seems since I have turned 40, life has gradually taken on a different feel and appearance. I have things that ache now that never did before, I find my tolerance for bullshit is becoming even more short than ever, Many of the things that I thought were fun and important I find not so thrilling anymore (so many things...hunting, kayaking, social gatherings, partying, etc...) I am starting to find that my time alone is sometimes soothing... Although I have the drama of my situation, I don't have the drama of direct care, case management, others "work" drama...and at times, I feel lost without it. And amazingly, you don't realize how much drama there is in your working life until you aren't working.

I am doing all I can, I am hunting jobs, looking for a fit that will serve me and those I work for and in all of that, i am being a bit particular....But I have to be! I remember when Donna and I moved here and I would say "man, if I could wash dishes and live in the hill country, I would be fine" ...I dont feel like that anymore....BUUUUTTTT I didnt have 70k worth of school debt at the time and really have his attachment to the idea that....

I did what everyone says...I went to school to secure a path in life and with that accomplishment, I guess I have a "deserving" feel and refuse to go back to some 8.00 an hour job as a "grunt." One of the things that sticks in my head from my time in the timeshare business, I had a 27-28 year old girl, good salesperson, doing well in the field, but she said one day

"oh, you are going to have to realize that its going to take 6 months to prove yourself in this job"

First of all, I just completed college, all the way through grad school and I dont have to prove myself to ANYONE....My debt is that proof!! LOL!! I also took that with a bit of arrogance....

"I am 45 years old, I have lived more life than you of ten of your friends have, and I dont owe you SHIT bitch!"

Again, I guess its my growing intolerance!

I will say that much of the things I have heard in life that I wasnt aware of before are really becoming true.

"Truth changes with age"
"Money doesnt make the world a better place, but it helps"
"Never count on tomorrow being what you think it will be...It wont!"
"Save some money!"

And some of ideas I have about the world are shifting....
People will self preserve FIRST, I dont care how caring you are (unless you are the Dali Lama)
The weak will be eaten
Give Peace a chance and then add A-1 to it because it will be eaten
The only thing certain in the world is nothing is certain
No matter how much good you do in the world, "bad" is always a part of our dualistic universe....Someday, someway, no matter how much good you do, bad is a necessity in this world.
When the world gives you lemons and you make lemonade...Go get a bottle of rum and mix it!
If you trust unconditionally, you better be REAL secure with your life, what you read and what your history is on your browser.
energy attracts like energy, put you cannot have a positive energy without a negative energy....Look at any battery.

Well, I am done venting, I figured I would just add this. I realize I am in a tough spot and when in those spots, its hard to see the flowers through the weeds... But man, I am really doing my best to stay "up" and above the weeds, but its getting harder and harder to see the roses through the brush.

If the downs equal the ups and vice versa, I really havent lost the belief that there must be something REALLY amazing ahead and I am sure looking for it. Maybe I need to reflect....

I watched a move called Under the Tuscan Sun and I am reminded of my favorite part of that movie...The line went like this, after a discussion about finding love...

I remember when I was a child and one day I went out into the rose garden to find ladybugs....I searched, I dug, I looked and looked....I did it until the point I was exhausted so I laid down in the garden and fell asleep....When I awoke, I was covered in ladybugs.

I love that line and maybe, just maybe.... I need to just take a nap!