Never say never

Its funny how life creates truths out of what was once untruths and vice-versa. I remember when I was close to completion of my undergraduate degree and went to go visit Donna at a temp job she was working... It was a really hot day in July and I was struggling with summer classes. I was complaining and worrying about the outcome of my grades and Donna said...

"Why do you put yourself through this?"

As she said that, I looked out the window and saw a 40-ish year old man in the parking lot of where she was working who was slinging a pick axe into the blacktop pavement in 100+ degree weather. He was tanned to almost black, was soaked in a sweaty shirt and was just hammering away at the asphalt. I told Donna....

"You see that guy out there in the heat, digging up that asphalt? Well, the reason I put myself through this is so I never have to put myself through that again!"

I have done my fair share of manual labor....Working car washes, installing insulation, roofing, stocking roofing materials, painting, etc... over the years and always thought that someday I would be able to walk away from that type of job AND pay into something better.

Luckily, I was able to secure a job as a Deputy Sheriff years ago and from then on, I claimed I would never go back to that kind of job again....Well, things change! (NEVER SAY NEVER)

Now I am not saying there is anything wrong with those types of jobs....As a matter of fact, in many aspects, I liked the manual type jobs.... It kept me in shape, the responsibilities were minimal and all I had to do was my job and then go home.... I wasn't on call, I didn't have to work weird hours and had weekends off...I just wanted to be more of a "professional" type of person and step into a white collar type of working environment... A job where I could serve people and advocate for those unable to do so for themselves...I felt it was/is my calling.

Well, here I am, graduated with my bachelors degree and have a Masters degree as well....UNEMPLOYED!

I remember when I was in grad school...I was about halfway through the program and remember thinking that public education was not going to be the route for me but having a Masters Degree would secure me from EVER having to search for a job again.... I even told people...

"The best thing about having my Masters degree is that I will never have to worry about a job."

Man, how naive I was huh?

So today, I took a great big bite of my pride and made a call to a guy who I know that runs a maintenance crew for an organization I worked for a couple of years ago. He has been aware of my situation and has told Donna that he could always use an extra hand. I was really grateful for his offer but figured I needed to continue on my path to find a job suiting of my experience and education....Again, never say never and realize that truth changes with time.

After talking to him today, he said he was sure he would be able to work something out. I told him that I have no real skills in any type of maintenance or construction type work but if the offer was still good, I would like to talk to him about getting a temporary position with him until I could secure something more aligned with what I have been looking for. He stated that he understood and told me we would work it out and he would call me tomorrow.

Now I am not so proud that I wont go sling a shovel or crawl in an attic, or whatever, but I tell ya, I felt "heavy" after that call...

I am finding that much of what I have believed in my life is really a fabrication of an idea...A concept, a "possibility" and not a truth in any way. I DECLARED to the universe that I would advance on a particular path and here I am.... I BELIEVED that doing good things brings good things to people... Here I am struggling to find the way but in my moments of focus, helping old folks load furniture on the side of the road, helping others when and how I can, feeling "less than."

"NEVER EVER EVER QUIT"....Then I see my loans go back in deferment, scraping to make my payments on my motorcycle so I don't lose it, putting in resumes and applications every day, going to interviews at every opportunity, reaching out to people, using every resource I can find...and now, all I am is tired and worn down.

"KEEP YOUR CHIN UP".....And every time I stick it out, i get a right cross in the kisser....

"NOTHING GREAT COMES WITHOUT RISK"....So I took a job in another town, uprooted myself from my wife and my home, took on a job that had "potential" only to find out that it was far more stressful to do that and the risk to my homelife and relationship was not worth the return.... I could go on and on!

I have so many people who encourage, support and cheer me on and now when I get that, it is like a chalk board being scrapped with rusty nails.... I really do appreciate everyones care, belief and support of my advancement, but all those words aren't making the jobs come any faster or paying my student loans... PLUS, all those kuddos and living this result makes me feel evenb worse...man, PRIDE is a bitch!

Donna and I went to Bandera the other night to have dinner... As we drove along, I reflected back to the days when we wanted to move here and then finally did move here.... Everything was brilliant, colorful, inspiring, beautiful, stunning, wonderful, breathtaking....Now, on that same drive, I don't see, taste or smell that anymore. Its the same trees, the same roads, the same animals, etc....But the feeling of it all has diminished...Its just another place...And then I am reminded of the old saying...

"No matter where you are....THERE YOU ARE!"

So its been 10 years now, we had this passion and drive to better our lives, we gave up careers to pursue happiness on a higher level, and in many respects, attained that level over and over... We have had some wonderful experiences here in the Hill Country and have accomplished things that we didn't think would be possible...And now, I feel like I did before I moved here... stagnant, searching, reaching, and trying to find answers...

Now, after 10 years of working hard and truly chasing dreams (and catching many of them) I am getting ready to go make less money than I made 15 years ago... Back to manual labor... and really, its not all THAT bad, but now I have 70k in student loans that I cant pay, back problems I didn't have then, much older and much less tolerant of BS and have to say....I am angry!

I am no victim...no one did this to me, no one put me in this place...I am here of my own doing and my own choices....I am also here because of my arrogance, pride, and hard head...I have no one to blame but myself... Sometimes that is the hardest pill to swallow!

So, I guess its about just accepting, surrendering to the fact that I have to do what I have to do. Who knows, maybe I am just a blue collar worker with a white collar education and my "place" in this world is wherever I am at any given time...THIS is where I am!

Truth is found in experience, not in words, concepts or ideas and everyones truth is different and changing all the time... I can either accept it and move on, or fight it and let my pride win... My pride has NEVER won (in the larger scope of the picture) so why fight it huh?

Well, I guess I have some things to look forward to... Back in shape, a little weight off the tummy that has gathered from my sitting, a bitchin farmers tan, no REAL responsibilities (other than just getting the job done) and working with some folks that don't take life so friggin serious all the time... I might just find great pleasure in going back to this kind of thing... Again, experience is where truth is and I am getting ready to have another one of those!