Discipline

Well, I knew it couldn't be a ride of ALL fun forever....Today and yesterday I started the discipline measures on some of the students. I had one who has a cell phone addiction, one that doesn't seem to understand the importance of "calling" in and one that steals things....All in one day!!

I don't mind being the disciplinarian because generally I a pretty "matter of fact' and the people i mange in my caseload generally know when they have messed up....SO I don't beat the m up about it....I ask them what happened, ask them why it happened and even ask them what they think appropriate punishment should be. The funny thing is that generally, when asked to discipline themselves, they are MUCH harsher on themselves than I would be. I guess this allows them to see that I still have faith in them even through their hardships. There is a level of accountability and I don't deter from that, but at least they know I am not in this to see them fail.

It was a wonderful day yesterday and then today it was a major BREAKDOWN!!

Just remember, when you are in your moment of triumph, get ready because tragedy isn't too far behind....It is the nature of this life I guess....Must have the ups and downs, the Yin and the Yang, etc....

So from the very beginning today, starting from my time I walked in the door, it was ALL breakdown!!

I have been in my office most of the day either writing people up, counseling about attitude, listing to gripes, complaints and concerns.... It can really start to wear on you when you are working to be upbeat, empowering, and still attain a level of accountability and care.

Its weird how teams work man, when there is one small ripple in the pond all the fish feel it and respond. I think it is subconscious because it ALWAYS seems to happen this way....Get one crisis and it seems other crisis start to evolve and grow, and up to the end of the day today, it was continuing CRISIS!!

Generally, the case managers I know manage caseloads up to about 25....They generally deal with them in one on one instances... But to have a group, manage 38 of them and work to keep them all from breaking down once this ball starts to roll is quite a task....You put out one fire but the sparks from that fire start another one and before you know it, ALL DAY long you are putting out fires.... So many case managers I know of speak about this analogy, and when those fires start, hang on because its going to be a long day!

Another hurdle is trying to catch those stirring the flames (unknowingly) and shutting them down because people with all the best intentions, who aren't aware of what "crisis" looks like, react to the crisis and just add fuel to the flame....SO not only are there those who are defiant, but those who want to help but just don't have the right tools (or maybe a term to keep with the analogy, "the right hose") to handle the job at hand.

Now I don't know it all and I am guilty myself of stirring flames...Shit, I even caught myself today stirring them!! But in this type of work, its really hard not to get caught up in the madness of it....WHEW!!!!

So as I sit here and type this, I reflect back on the day and really look at my part in all of it, because I have to remember, nothing in my life happens outside of me, it happens as a result of me!

Where did I contribute to this today?
What was my role?
What part of this do I own?
How did I show up?
What is the lesson?
How can I grow from this?

So let me start at the first one....

I contributed today because I allowed the venting of another person make me angry and react. I felt attacked (my perception) and immediately went on the defensive and in pursuit to rectify this, only to find that I was reacting to a VENT, not a FACT....What the hell was I thinking??

My role was I enrolled others into my reaction and generated more drama from that...What the hell was I thinking??

I own ALL OF IT!! If I would have JUST focused on my job, what it was I was supposed to do as a case manager and serve my clients, much of my distress would have been so much more minimal!! What the hell was I thinking??

How did I show up?? Angry, irritable, frustrated, upset..... WHICH as i type this, I suddenly realize, ALL of the drama that took place today was EXACTLY these things!! Everyone was angry, irritable, frustrated and upset....HOLY SHIT!!! I do own ALL OF IT!!

The lesson is that I am here to serve these kids....My ego, self want, desire to be right, my CONTROLLING personality CREATED much of what I experienced today!!

I grow from this because I am now (because of this blog) AWARE of why this was such a rough day!! I grow from this because tomorrow I can create it differently!! I grow from this because if I really pay attention, I wont have this issue again (at least not at this magnitude!)

I have said it so many times before...There are no victims in this world...As much as I wanted to blame others for my trying day today, as I reflect back on the day, I realize that it was of MY CREATION!! It want those youth, it wasn't my fellow workers, it wasn't the heat, it wasn't the long day...IT WAS ME!!

"BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD!!!"
~Gandhi~

Now I get to see what I was BEING today, DOING and then HAVING as a result.... I wanted to be pissed, I wanted to be right, I wanted to be angry and as a result, I created that with every step I took today....Every time I turned around, i was seeing a mirror image of how I was showing up but was juts to ready to point fingers for me to notice it...WOW!!

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!!??

So tomorrow is an new and even bigger day. I get to sit and think on this tonight, probably toss in my bed and really pay attention to how I show up in the morning. I was given the task tonight to lead the group tomorrow because of issues outside of my control so I will make sure to BE light, kind, vulnerable, open, caring, compassionate.... IF IT IS TO BE, ITS UP TO ME!!

I think I will close this here, as I have been typing this, its like a light switch has turned on in a room I wasn't aware I was in... I guess my old professors were right....Writing is a release for me, its where I can really take a clear look at what is going on in my life....

OWTFDWIT!!!! And OWNING a breakdown in your life COMPLETELY is almost as tiring as the day itself!