Forgiveness

Yesterday afternoon my boss called me in for a meeting so we could chat with a youth that “chose out” of our program about 2 weeks ago. We had discussed earlier about some of the students who had chosen out and decided, as a team, that those particular students, even if they wanted to come back, would not be accepted back into the program.

This decision was made because we felt it could be damaging to a team of individuals who had shown up, shown up, and shown up again and dedicated themselves to this process. To allow those folks back in would be detrimental to the team.

 It’s funny what you put out into the Universe and then what shows up!?

I arrived at the meeting and the student explained that he quit YouthBuild because he….

“Thought he had all the answers, but after getting out into the real world, I realized I don’t have a clue.”

He went on explained how he had realized that he made a mistake and “needed” YouthBuild to move forward in his life. Me, being the skeptic I am, and the read (I feel) I have on people, I didn’t believe him…I WASN’T enrolled!

I went on to speak with him and said….

Ok, let me explain it like this, you understand that YouthBuild is MY TEAM right?”

“Yes”

So, ENROLL me into why I should let you back on MY team!?”

This all with the idea in the back of my head that I would NOT be making the final decision, THIS would be a decision the TEAM itself makes….However, I wanted to hear what he was going to say to the team.

He went on and had some “pitiful” reasons to come back, which basically amounted to the reason he wanted to come back was he had no more couches to jump to and to be able to stay at mom and dad’s house, he would have to be in YouthBuild. In MY EXPERIENCE, if anyone takes on any task at hand for someone other than THEMSELVES it’s not nearly as powerful as when the task is taken on because the INDIVIDUAL wants it…. I wanted this youth to GET THAT!!

“Well man, I will tell you this…. I will BET YOU that up to this point in your life, you have made choices exactly like this….Gone out, made the choice, realized it didn’t work, came back, asked for forgiveness, got it, changed for a short time and then went back to your old ways…is this accurate??”

“Yeah, pretty much…”

“So tell me, what makes this time different?? How are you going to SHIFT from the past ways to create it differently because if this is how you have always done it, you are going to get the same results.”

“All I can say is I saw the world isn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be and now I have to make something of myself to move forward with my life…YouthBuild is the start of it.”

“You do understand that you have had a TON of people around you all your life that have said “you can’t” or “you won’t” or “you aren’t capable” and by walking away from YouthBuild, you proved them all RIGHT…. How does that make you feel?”

“Terrible, I want to prove them wrong…”

I asked him if he would be willing to stand before his class and ask for permission to be back on the team, and he said he would be HAPPY to do that.

The conversation went on and then we excused him from the room. My boss and I chatted about the meeting a bit and found we were both on the same page….THIS is a decision for the team to make….Then it REALLY hit me!!

In 2001, I was part of a team where I basically “chose out” and as a result, I saw that I had made a huge mistake and wanted back on the team to finish what I had started. I went to the facilitator and it was explained to me that I had to enroll EVERY SINGLE PERSON on my team as to WHY it was important for me to come back. I chose YES to that decision…..

I had a team of close to 40 people that surrounded me in a circle, me in the middle of that circle and I had to go to each and every team member and have them vote me YES to come back in. I had a handful that refused…they were NOT enrolled. I had to swallow my pride, take a look at my ego, allow myself to be vulnerable and then ENROLL THEM!!

I went to each individual and answered questions, made commitments, exposed myself with vulnerability and then TRUSTED THE PROCESS!!

It was in NO WAY an easy task…It was one of the more difficult things I had don’t in my life because it was about OWNING my downfalls instead of being a victim to them… Then I HAD to (“got” to) shift and live up to my commitment! My team voted me back in and I was accepted back into the group…

I realized the impact of that moment in my life and figured since this youth is so very much like I was at his age, THIS is an important task and lesson.

My boss and I were on the same page…THIS is a win/win situation, no matter what the vote is. This youth will either GET it, OR NOT but either path will offer him a lesson and a tool.

Another of the staff arrived and we all discussed this option to allow the team to vote if this youth comes back. Here we are, a bunch of youth who have been cast aside in their lives, VOTING to cast aside one of their own….OR NOT!! It was a scary and uncomfortable decision/process….BUT I have to TRUST THE PROCESS and realize, no matter what happens, it will be PERFECT!!

So it’s clear, this would not be the end of our assistance for this youth if he was voted out…We would help him to attain the things he needs to move forward, explained that to him, told him he could do it without YouthBuild and he chose to stay with YouthBuild.

Me, my boss and the other team member discussed what we were going to do and we decided that we would allow him to address the team, ENROLL them into what he has done and is willing to do, and then let THEM choose….

We also realized this would have to be done in stealth mode…We couldn’t let the team, OR the youth know we had a plan because if we did, the team could get opinionated and right and the youth, if he knew, would get with the other team members quickly to form alliances…. We had to create a plan…And here it is…

My boss went back to the youth and said….

“I am not sure if I am ready to make a decision yet on this and I am not sure if I am ready to accept you back. I want to be an adult in this situation and think about it overnight. You are to be back here at the transition office (separate from where YouthBuild takes place…our administrative offices) at 7:30 am, SHARP, with your best clothes and prepared to speak to me in the morning…Not even a minute late, Understand?!”

The youth agreed….

Then, what I was to do was to go back and tell the other staff about what had taken place and how this was going to be a team decision by the members of YouthBuild, structured to fit an outline we direct, but ultimately a decision based on the TEAM and their emotions/feelings.

So today, I took the team inside our big conference room before the Rah-Rah and started to discuss with them the importance of the responsibility they have taken on to SELF GOVERN themselves and how much of an impact they have on THEIR program now.

While I was doing this, my boss was meeting with the youth at the admin. office and bringing him to the YouthBuild facility. When my boss showed up, I had the kids gather in a circle around me and told them that Kimber (the boss) had something to talk to them about.

Kimber stepped into the center of the circle, explained what had taken place last night, told them that this is THEIR program and with that comes difficult decisions…Today would be the first of many!

She went on to explain about the youth wanting to come back and how this was going to be a vote from the team to make that happen. That the Youth would have 3 minutes to defend himself and enroll the team and then there would be a vote by the team….If even ONE member decided to vote NO, the Youth would have the opportunity to answer to the “no’s” and then we would vote again... If the vote was still no, then he would not be allowed back.

I stepped in and explained…

“I don’t want to see anyone trying to encourage anyone else’s vote, I want you to be serious and I want you to realize that this is a decision each of you must make independently…There will be no pressure from anyone too anyone….”

I stepped back to my spot and one of the girls on the team leaned over and asked me….

“Do I have to take part in this?”

I responded….

“ABSOLUTELY!”

The youth stepped into the center and made his plea to the team. He sounded much more sincere than he did with me the night before and he said what he needed to say…. He stepped out of the circle; Kimber stepped in and said…

“So, time to vote….Who wants to allow him back?”

Every hand went up, EXCEPT ONE….

“Opposed?”

The girl who asked me if she had to take part raised her hand…

We coached the youth back into the center of the circle and I said…

“So explain to him what’s holding you up…”

She went on….

“How do I know you won’t take advantage of this, how do I know you won’t just mess up again, how do I know……..”

And the youth responded…

“I know this is a concern and I apologize…All I can tell you is it won’t happen again…I promise!”

He stepped out, Kimber stepped in…

“Who votes for him to come back???”

All hands went up….

“Opposed?”

No hands!!! The team had voted YES 100%!

I stepped into the center of the circle, which was VERY difficult because I was overwhelmed with emotion form my person experience in this same situation… I remembered the overwhelming sense of acceptance that took place when they voted me YES…I also remember the overwhelming feeling of GUILT for letting my team down, and my buddy….It was a VERY impacting moment for me…. and I said….

All of you stand up, stand close and look around this room….THIS IS YOUR TEAM!! You had your chance to ask this youth and question him, you have shown him how you feel, and we start over from here… Stop, look around this circle, look at your team and realize, you JUST VOTED!! Now we SHIFT and move forward!

I pulled the youth back into the middle and I told him in front of everyone….

“You are here to teach a lesson (name removed), you have been teaching people lessons about you up to this point…Here is an opportunity to teach this team a lesson about you….Just think about it….WHAT LESSON ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH THEM!?

We all took a second to reflect, soak in this moment, and then we did the RAH-RAH with The youth that was voted back leading it…. MAGIC!!! TRUE and INSPIRATIONAL MAGIC!!

Life, on some level, big or small, infinite or momentary, just SHIFTED for these youth, AND our staff…And in the moment, no one really noticed that SHIFT HAPPENED and I was able to smile and reflect….Reflect on what my life was like then when I was in that circle, and where my life is now BECAUSE I was voted back in…. Man, one HELL of a way to start a day!!


OWTFDWIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO YOUTHBUILD!!!!!!!