Today, I was belittled and attacked for my part in YouthBuild and who I am in this program. Not only that, but my role, my job and the tasks at hand. Not only did THAT take place, but was done so with "evidence" of their success in an attempt to deminish my success with no IDEA what I have done in my life or in my dealing with people. Just who the F*&CK does this person think she is!!??
The conversation continued and it went something like this....
I was at one of my offices doing paperwork and went to the printer to retrieve some paperwork. I noticed that a co-worker was in another co-workers office and they were talking with the door closed. A short time later, I went to retrieve my paperwork again from the printer and found the co-worker at her desk. I took a deep sigh and she asked
"Is it one of those days?"
And I responded,
"No just trying to recover from yesterday. When you have to write up 16-19 of a team, its a stressful event because you really get to be the jerk in the group and the last thing I want to do is be the jerk. I spoke to my wife who is a case manger of 35 women and she has a team of three case managers. I told her what took place yesterday and she laughed because she knew what kind of ripple this created. I really want to see these kids succeed and its painful when I have to hold them accountable...Especially like we did yesterday."
she started to go back to her general statements I have heard her say UMPTEEN times and said ...
"We have to train and nurture these kids, to make it black and white like you do is just like the schools they left from and we cant do that. The schools set them up for failure with that attitude, and I don't want to do the same. We have to bring them in close and love them."
I argued... (and could feel my face getting red)
"So do you think that what I have to offer is lacking love and compassion? Are you saying that I am setting these kids up for failure with holding them accountable for their actions? I assure you, I love and care for these kids and my whole mission is to see them succeed...But in that, there has to be accountability."
"Well Brad, you know when I ran the XXXX, I had 1800 graduates that made it through that program and it was from my love and compassion, not being harsh and black and white. You just don't understand how love can direct people to a different path. Its not like I don't know what I am talking about"
(Now remember, she was an ED of that org, NOT a case manager, a case worker or involved on a personal level with these graduates like what case managers are)
I took this as an attack on my education, my experience, my professionalism and the description of the task I was given by my Bosses in regards to what I am here to do in this program and I addressed this...
"I have to tell you XXX, I take great offense to you diminishing my education and experience. I have been working with this group of people for much longer than you might think and I am not going to get in a numbers game with you, but be assured, I have graduated as many people though my programs in this field over their years to attain success, dealing with them first hand, than you probably have any imagination of.... You can compare numbers and my approach as much as you want, but I would ask that you do not attack my professionalism, my care, my love and my drive to see these kids succeed. As much as you dislike it, I have a job to do that was designed and outlined by my bosses and there is a reason I have the job I have. So like it, or dislike it is fine with me, I don't answer to you or anyone else other than those two people. I have my job to do, you have your job to do...There is a reason we were hired in those capacities. If you have a problem with how I conduct myself with these kids, you can bring your complaints to them, but I take great offense at you minimizing my experience, my education or what my plan is to see this program and all its attendees succeed."
She went on and stated...
"Well Brad, I think you are trying to change how I see the kids and how I approach them and I am not going to change that."
I asked her for an example of this and she could not provide one.
I explained to her that my intention is not to change who she is with these kids or what her approach is with these kids but she could be assured that she was not going to dictate to me how I handled my position, my job or how I did my job. I also explained to her that we can agree to disagree and made an attempt to end the conversation at that point because I could feel myself getting frustrated.
I told her again (referring to a past conversation) that I have a strong personality, can sometimes come across as abrasive and that is because I am dedicated and driven to accomplish a goal with intention and drive to see the kids in our program succeed. I explained to her that I see the value in what she has to offer because I think it balances out our different approaches. I explained that I value her care and love but would appreciate if she would value my stern approach and accountability as this is where we will save some of the kids that have missed out in previous struggles.
She went on in her discussion about how I show up as "harsh, cut and dry, black and white, my way or the highway, there is no other view than my view, that I am the only one that knows what is best and others don't know"..... These are all DIRECT quotes from her mouth in regards to my job and my performance.
I smiled, politely disagreed and again said, "we can agree to disagree then"
She came back and said....
"Well Brad, I want you to know that with every kid in this program, I support you 100% and I would ask the same from you in regards to me"
I asked her if something in particular had come up where she felt that I had not done this as I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing something and she said...
"No, I just have a general feel that you don't support me in some of the things I do or say"
I responded...
"Look XXXX, I might not agree with your approach on things or how you handle things, but I ALWAYS back you up. I am a team player and am a professional. If I have a problem with you, I will handle it just like we are right now. I will always support you in your decisions to the kids and if I ever don't, it will not be done so through our students, it will be done with you and I, one on one."
(And I would NEVER go against my team with the students....EVER!!)
At that point, I realized this conversation needed to end and I told her....
"well, I have files to document in and I have to get to them...I will talk to you later"
Of course I documented this because its clear that she does not agree with my approach and I FEEL she is trying to enroll others into her idea....
I am so frustrated, aggrivated and upset right now that I am just at a loss. Some people have to be SOOOOOOOO right in what they see as effective that they want to deminish anyone elses approach to accomplish the same goal...Its like they have something to prove.... I DONT HAVE SHIT TO PROVE but it still makes my ego get the best of me and today, EGO is at my door again.
Sadly, I just dont get why people cant focus on their role in a team effort...Focus on THEIR tasks at hand and complete what THEY have in excellence.... They spend so much time worrying about how others approach an issue, they lose a grip on THEIR part of the issue/team....
And then to try and minimize someone else because of what you have accomplished?? Thats love? Thats compassion?? Thats understanding?? No you DUMBASS, thats being RIGHT!! Does it feel good??? GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Do you really think that you are going to encourage others by reminding them what you have accomplished (exaggerated at that) in an attempt to show how much "better" you are than them??
In all reality, THIS activity tells me, shows me, explains to me the LACK of self confidence a person has.... And the worst part of it all, I LET IT GET TO ME!!
Even in my imperfections, life is perfect right??? Man, I just dont get people sometimes....Or maybe I really DO get them, but they sicken me....Sicken me to a point where I am self destructive!!
So, I shake this off, get clarity in my part, get affirmation from those I DO answer too and move forward in spite of all that bullshit....
And I wish it was just that easy!!! ;)
JUST when you get to a point that you think you can really appreciate people, someone has to show up and remind you why its a struggle!! GRRRRRR
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