Another Long Term Care experience

Shortly after starting at Plaza on the River, I had a man who came to my facility who was recovering from a stroke. He was about 82 or so. He and his family had been struggling with health complications with their family and it was a constant hardship for everyone. Not only was this man ill, his wife had dementia and had rapidly declined over just a few short months. She hardly recognizes the family and because of her dementia, she has crying spells, wanders, mumbles… They both became residents of mine…

As the family explained it to me, their mom was always one that was neurotic about cleanliness, her appearance and being a “Good Christian” woman. She was now withered, only about 90 lbs, confined to a wheelchair, and would wheel herself around the facility crying and mumbling to herself.

It was sad to see, but on the brighter side of it, whenever you would stop and chat with her, she would always smile, giggle, and hug you saying “I looooove you.” For those of us not related to her, she was a pleasure to have around. To the family, it was very difficult to see this strong woman who had raised them with values and morality now who couldn’t even recognize them many of the times, and when she would try to talk, her sentences would go something like this…

“Oh, I love you….I have boobly bummmbly gibbly goop”

and just mumble words that made no sense.

After she would say what she would say, she would always giggle, either reach for your hand, or give you a hug. Even in her advanced demented state, she was still a very loving and caring lady.

The family, after great struggle, realized that their father could no longer take care of her and had even hidden their mother’s deteriorating state from them.

As happens with families, children start to have their own lives and many times, communications are left with calls, texts and e-mails, so the children had no idea of how much her dementia had changed her… Then one of the kids made a visit home.

The husband, fought and argued about placing his wife in an “old folks home” but after much talk from his children, he gave in and saw that her health problems were far too much for him to handle. They found out she had even left the house and had gotten lost one time…this just couldn’t go on.

The family, as a team, decided to place their Mom at Plaza on the River and made many visits to her, helping her eat, change, just spending time with her. Once she was admitted, she continued her decline…Losing weight, rambling more, losing more of her grip on reality, etc..

There are two sons and a daughter who would come to visit, and I got to know one of the sons pretty well. I sat with him many times as he would cry and tell me how helpless he felt. I would listen, offer as much encouragement as I could and just be that person he could vent to.

An ex-military man, very proud and not willing to show much emotion, I was honored to be the person he could confide in and turn to for a caring ear… There is no higher calling that being in service to others and I was experiencing this with every visit!

“There is no higher calling than human service. To work for the common good is the greatest creed”

~Woodrow Wilson~

The son had explained to me that their father was now starting to suffer complications of his own. He had suffered some minor stokes (or TIA”S) and was having some severe problems with dizziness. It was suspected that he also had cancer that was going to probably cause him a rapid decline as well.

I have been witness to many people who have lost their loved ones. Even many who have lost loved ones they had distanced themselves from. “THE END” is always difficult, even for people who think the emotion is not going to be impacting…If you love, or loved a person at some time in their life, when they pass away, it is always a pulling on your spirit. It’s never too late for a second chance and its never too late to work and mend broken relationships.

Don’t ever let a person leave your presence without letting them know how special they are, or were to you. It can make all the difference in the world to you conscience when they do pass on.

The son came to see me one day and told me their father was in the hospital for this multitude of complications he was suffering from. He explained that he wanted to see his wife and asked if I could help get him there to visit with her.

I didn’t hesitate,

 “Of course I can! Where is he?”

“He is at Peterson Hospital but he cant walk and we cant get him and his wheel chair here… What can we do?”

I immediately contacted the transported for our organization and asked her if she could swing by and pick this guy up from the hospital and bring him to the facility, as soon as possible. I explained what was taking place, and as is common in my experience in this field, this was one of those instances where people would act quickly and put aside their personal schedules to make it happen.

We went to pick him up, brought him back to the facility and wheeled him in. His wife was in her room, and I went and brought her to him.

At this facility, there is a foyer and a waiting area with comfortable couches, a coffee table, etc…

As I wheeled her up to him, he called to her…

“Hiiiiiiii, baby….How ya doin’?

And he started to weep.

I had a smile on my face and one of those lumps again in my throat and I brought them to where they could be close to each other.

She immediately recognized him and started to cry, calling his name. He started to cry, reached for her, grabbed her arm, pulled her to him and embraced her and they started to cry together. I can visualize the times in their life where this very thing had taken place in times of hardship, adversity, joy and triumph.

I immediately had images running through my head of the many years they had together, raising kids, going on vacations, struggles, hardships…It was a very touching moment!

I left them alone in the foyer and the son followed me to the nurse’s station. As we gave them their time alone, we could over hear their conversation…I felt intrusive as I listened, but I couldn’t shut them out…

“Oh sweetheart, it’s ok, I am here now…Its gunna be ok…”

And she would respond…

“Can we go home Daddy…can we go home?”

No sweetheart, I think this is where we are going to have to stay. I won’t be away for long, I will come visit as often as I can…”

And as they continued, I noticed a small crowd of our staff standing around the nurse’s station. I was talking to the son and as I looked around, I could see the staff was listening to this conversation as well. Everyone was weeping and listening to them as they exchanges caring words to each other and discussed their failing health…It was a very emotional moment for everyone around.

They were able to spend about 30 minutes together and then the husband started to feel bad again… He called for his son and said…

“I just don’t feel very good…I think you better take me back to the hospital”

He kissed his wife, they both cried, the son took him out the door and I took her back to her room and sat with her.

She was crying and I was consoling her, assuring her he would be back to see her soon, and it wasn’t very long before she had forgotten about the whole interaction and was back to talking in mumbled sentences, reaching out, giggling at me, and back to the woman she was before he arrived.

Man, the way the brain works is so interesting to me…Not just five minutes ago, she was talking about old times with her husband, and now she didn’t have a clue he was even there. Kind of a bitter sweet type of feeling…Sad that she had forgotten, but happy she wasn’t experiencing that pain anymore…WOW!

The next day, the son came back and sat me down and told me his dad was going to have surgery to try and find out what was going on. That there was an aggressive cancer in his body and they needed to see the extent of the disease. He also talked to me about having his father admitted to the facility once the procedure was done, and asked if I could help with that

“Of course I can! You tell me when, and I will get a room ready for him.”

The son also stated that the Doctor had explained this was a very aggressive cancer that would undoubtedly take his life

Because of Medicare/Medicaid laws and the way his wife was “categorized” we couldn’t put them in the same room and we both felt that was probably better anyway. If their Dad were to see her condition now all day, every day, he would not be able to focus on his well being and it might actually make it worse for both of them.

After getting all the necessary paperwork done for his admittance, I was able to get him into a room close to where his wife was and he had asked if he could have a room to himself. Circumstances at that time allowed for me to be able to accommodate that request and after getting him admitted, we started to get to know each other.

He was neurotic…The standard type of “male” “Husband”  “Father” type figure. He wanted everyone else taken care of before himself and even as sick and ill as he was feeling, he would not settle with anything other than what he wanted. He knew he was facing his demise and that he probably didn’t have long to live.

He had to make sure all of the necessary paperwork in regards to his will was in place, set up the funeral arrangements, deal with the funeral home and even pick out his own casket. As one could clearly understand, this man was extremely depressed. His children were more than willing to help but this ole guy would have none of that and was set on making sure that they suffered as little as possible in managing these issues… A very Nobel gesture in my opinion, not necissacry, but I am no one to judge anothers choices by any means…

In our conversations and time together, I also found out that this gentleman was a 61 year Mason. I became a Proud Mason on Fathers Day, 2000. I am not real active in the Lodge but am totally committed to my obligation and what being a Mason stands for. Masonry is an organization built to make good men better, to serve our communities and fellow man as best we can. I explained to him that I was a fellow Brother and we discussed some of the things that we Masons like to discuss. We were now bonded on a whole different level.

When you become a Mason, no matter where you are in the world, any other Mason is your Brother and with almost every encounter I have had with other Masons (from different parts of the world as well) this is a truth. We are obligated to come to each others aid and to support each other. Its one of the many things in Masonry that makes this Fraternity so great!  

Well, this guy was so very depressed and I was doing all I could to bring some comfort to this man and worked very hard to lighten the load of the family as much as I could. I told hi I would help him manage his will, talk to the funeral homes, whatever he needed. He was always grateful but always resistant to any support…So I just supported him by being there for him and listening to his fears, struggles, life stories, etc…

I was able to get him admitted into a room right near the exit where I left to go home from. So, every day, I would stop in and check on him, spend a few minutes with him and then I always made sure I stopped by his room in the evening on my way home to say goodnight and make sure he was OK and see if he needed anything. Many times, this simple check would end up in a half hour chat… What a great guy!

The Cancer was very aggressive, as I mentioned above, and it was thought that he possibly had a brain tumor because he was experiencing some dizziness that was causing him to get sick and limited his ability not only to stand, but to sit up straight.

On two different occasions, I had gone into the room and found him on the floor. He would try to stand up and go to the bathroom, get so dizzy he would fall and then couldn’t get himself back up. It seemed the only ease he got from the dizziness was when he closed his eyes.

As every day passed, this man was getting more and more depressed and was barely eating and was sleeping almost all day. It pulled at my heart to see a Brother in such pain and suffering and I yearned for something to help him find comfort…It was definitely an uphill battle.

One day, while leaving the building to go home, I stopped in to say goodbye to him. It was a Friday and he was going out on Monday before I got to work for surgery to remove a tumor on his side. I wasn’t going to be able to see him off on Monday so I wanted to wish him luck and try to encourage him to stay strong. I could see that he was not feeling well and I just went in and sat down with him. I asked leading questions and then just let this guy speak… What unfolded would be something so completely unexpected; and why I am compelled to write this story…

As this guy talked, he leaned back in his bed, closed his eyes and began telling me about his wife of 60 years; he went on…

“I remember when I met Flo… She was beautiful…She had long, auburn hair…Not red, but auburn. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She had the greatest smile and she just captured my heart. She was always warm and social and was definitely my “better half”….Not sure what that sweet ole girl saw in my gruff ole ass…I love her as much now as when I firs met her.”

I commented on his children, complimented their character and kindness. I told him about some of the times we had spent chatting and just expressed how much I enjoyed their company when they had time to chat with me.

He went on…

"I have three great kids. My daughter, she followed in my footsteps. Graduated from college and went on to have a very successful career. She lives in Houston and I don’t see her as often as I would like, but I am so proud of her. She is a hard worker, driven for success and a real “go-getter.”

He smiled as he sat there with his eyes closed telling me about her.

He looked at me with one eye open and said…

“Do you know she makes more in one year that I have made my whole life? She has done so well…I am so proud of her."

He turned away from me, closed his eyes and continued....

"My boys, well, they are great boys….I have one that was in the military…he excelled and retired from the military as a pilot. Now he flies corporate jets and travels all over the world. He has done so well for himself, I am so proud of him! He has had struggles, but he has always overcome every one of them and never let life get him down. I wish I could let things roll off my back like he does. I have truly enjoyed watching him grow up.”

He continued…

My other boy…Well, he has always been the wayward son…Never quite settled down anywhere. He always takes risks, lives life on the edge and has don’t a lot of things I am not so thrilled about, but that probably because I was never brave enough to do those things. He has been all over and done so many things…I am so proud of him for all the experiences he has had that I know I will never have… I have great kids!”

Well, we chatted for a little over an hour and before I left, I reached into my pocket and grabbed a small stone I keep with me all the time. This is what is known as a “grateful stone”

Let me take a minute to explain what a grateful stone is…

This is a small stone you keep in your pocket with your loose change or whatever. The idea is that every night, when you get home, you take the stone out of your pocket and rub it, consciously thinking about something in your day or your life that you are grateful for…And it doesn’t matter what that is…

“I am grateful I have a car” I am grateful my kids are healthy” “I am grateful for that ice cold coke at lunch today” “I am grateful for the bird I saw outside my office window”

You get the picture...

Now, the real test of this action is when you have it in your pocket, or wherever you keep it (make it easily accessible) every time you touch it throughout the day, take just a second and conciously think of something you are grateful for. You will be amazed at how many times you touch this stone throughout the day.

The idea is that the world is made up of energy…Even at the most microscopic particle in our DNA, it is nothing but energy…The desk in front of you is energy, the pillow you lay your head on is energy…All energy moving at different speeds.

Take a microscope and zoom in on that desk, zoom in on that pillow…anything…You will see that at the microscopic level, these are all particles of energy…small particles that are joined together to create what you understand as a desk, a pillow, and eyeball…whatever.

The theory is that like energy attracts like energy… Eyeball energy attracts eyeball energy, desk energy attracts desk energy, etc.. So if you are putting out good energy, then you will attract good energy…If you put out energy of hate or pain, you get hate or pain in your life….If you put out energy of gratitude, you bring things into your life to be grateful for.

I have carried a grateful stone in my pocket since 2006 and can honestly say, since that time, I have become aware of a lot more things in my life to be grateful for. It works for me, and I stick with things that work!

I explained to him what it was and also explained to him that it had brought me much luck over the years and I wanted to loan it to him to keep for good luck. I let him know that it would bring things for him to be grateful for if he just looked at tit in that light and focused on those things.

I also explained to him that there was one rule about the stone… He had to COME BACK and give it to me after his surgery!

Monday comes along I get to work, immediately ask about him and I hear that he made it through the surgery and was doing well. I am soooo grateful!

I went to the hospital after I got off work to see him and he was in GREAT spirits… He had all his kids around him, sitting in the room, they were chatting, smiling laughing…. The two other kids had come into town and now all three of his kids were at his side.

He was talking; eating…It was like a new man in that room…I was soooo pleased! I had not seen him eat like that the entire time he was with me at my facility. He even thanked me for the “rock” and offered to give it back to me. I told him that wasn’t the rule…The rule was he had to bring it back to me! He agreed to hold on to it.

I left the hospital and went home…I get to work the next day and hear that he took a sudden decline and caught pneumonia… I was told he wasn’t doing well. I was stunned….scared… nervous…

I jumped in my truck and went down to see him and he was sick again…He was sleeping but when he heard my voice in the room, he opened his eyes, and reached out for me. I gripped his hand as Masons do and moved closer and he said…

“Damn Brad, I don’t know what happened…I was good yesterday and now I can hardly lift my head.”

I told him to rest easy and he laid back down holding my hand. I spoke with the family as he drifted off to sleep and then eased my hand from his, rubbed his arm, whispered in his ear “sleep well Brother” and went back to work.

I went back to check on him that night and he was still not doing well. He looked sick now…he looked like he just wasn’t feeling well… He reached out for me again…

I gave him a hug, told him to keep up the good fight and after a minute or two, he smiled at me, opened his hand, showed me his grateful stone and I left and went home.

As I drove home, I couldn’t help but think about this family…the struggles, the times they had together, good times, bad times…. Its all relevant to people as they move along in this life I guess.

I Get to work the next day and am hearing all kinds of stories about how “bad he has gotten…” “He wasn’t going to live for the next few hours…”He wasn’t going to live through the night…” “He was going to die any minute…” Well, hating to hear things second or third party, I left the facility and went to see for myself. I have found that second and third party information rarely ever holds the hwole truth. As often as I can, i go tthe source of the story and find the truth there.

I get to the hospital and I see him in his bed, sitting up, unconscious and gasping for air. He had lost his color and was clammy and was clearly not well at all. The family was extremely distraught and asked ME if I wanted a minute to be alone with their father to say a final goodbye….Talk about overwhelmed with emotion!!

I told them there was nothing I would say to him that I wouldn’t say to all of them. I walked up to him laying in his hospital bed, overwhelmed with emotion, leaned down to his ear and said…

“Brother, these are the results of you being grateful; all is well…Everything is taken care of… You have done a great job…Your wife is doing well and is in good hands…Everyone was OK! Choose Brother and know that you have nothing here to worry about!"

I kissed his cheek and wished him Gods Speed. As I told him this, leaning over the bed, I felt his hand grasp my shirt ever so lightly… He was acknowledging I was there (or at least I think so)…

As I walked out of the room, I told the family that I would go back to the facility and make sure their Mom was OK. I also wanted to make sure that my staff was paying a little closer attention to Flo as I believe that 60 years of marriage to a person will create a “reaction” when the spouse dies and to please keep an eye on her.

I left the facility and went to take care of some other business and then made my way back to the hospital to let the family know that their Mom was OK. I went up to the room, knocked on the door and when I walked in, the entire family was around the bed and they had gone to get Flo to have her by his side when he passed… I was not expecting this!

The whole family was there surrounding my fine Brother…I didn’t even know they had gone to get Flo.

As I walked in and saw Flo holding his hand and the family all gathered around, I just broke down crying… It was very emotional and so very touching.

I apologized to them and said I was just coming up to give them the heads up about their Mom and was not expecting her to be there. I told the family that I was not meaning to intrude and started to back out of the room. They each walked up to me and hugged me and said…

 “There is no intrusion Brad, you are like family”

Again, I was overwhelmed with emotion… I surely didn’t feel worthy of such a compliment. I told them that I wanted them to be together and excused myself from the room.

When I got to my truck, I felt a strange sensation…It was like I was weak and full of energy at the same time…Hard to explain that moment…. Nothing like I had experienced before...

Well, that was on a Friday night….Saturday the family called my cell phone and advised me that their Father had passed away about an hour after I left the Hospital. They asked if I would please come to the service for their father…I told them it would be my honor to be there!

A couple of days later, I went to the service of Brother David T. to pay my respects. This is where it gets really incredible!

I went to a store here locally to try and find those little angel lapel pins and they didn’t have any. I was so disappointed as I wanted to give something to this family that showed my care and appreciation for their trust in me… Then it HIT ME!!

Their Father himself gave me the gift that would mean more to these kids of his than anything!!!

After paying my respects and meeting other family members, I took each one of the kids off to be alone. We found an adjoining room to the service and I sat with each one of his children, face to face, holding their hands and explaining to them what their father had told me about them.

 The first one was the daughter…

I explained to her about my last visit at my facility with her dad prior to his surgery and told her what he told me about her and all the things he was so proud of about her.

When I was finished telling the daughter…she said…

"Daddy was proud of me?"

And I nodded and smiled at her…”So very proud!”

I took the oldest son, same room, same scenario and he smiled, tears welled up in his eyes and his simply nodded in agreement and without speaking mouthed “thank you” to me… I hugged him and sat with him a minute as he contained himself and then went to find the other son.

We went in, sat down, and I told him about his comments of him being the “wayward son” but how he was jealous because he didn’t think he was brave enough to take on what he had taken on in his life.

He laughed, I laughed and he said…

 “The old fart never told me that….I am glad to hear that…Thank you Brad”

We hugged and then went out to see the rest of the family and friend who had come to the service. I walked up to the casket, gave a respectful nod to him, smiled and started to walk away and noticed in the casket, by his hands, was my grateful stone… I stalled for a minute to take a second look and sure enough, there it was…almost like he was rubbing it still!

I smiled, giggled a little and walked back to the crowd. I gave my condolences and left the funeral home…Smiling, knowing My Fellow Mason was smiling above! What a day!

I was so very grateful!

Death is not the end, Death is a beginning! The kids now knew things that their father, for whatever reason, held back. His love was always present and his caring of all of them overflowing. This life is what we make it, and he had made his, and many others lives very special.

I don’t see those folks anymore, but as I hear it, at the time of this writing, they still visit their mom regularly and have become even more unified since their fathers passing.

I guess any parent would be happy to know that even in death, getting their kids back together, their family renewed, it’s a great thing.

I have had many people tell me that they could not do the jobs I have done and often thank me for these things…But this isn’t something I do…This is who I BE!

BE, DO, HAVE…

This concept is so easy to speak about seems so simple to implement, but this, as in many things, is more practical in theory than in reality…The truth is, it’s a reality all the time!

BE the change you want to see in the world, then you will do the things representative of that and then will have the change you desire… And the “world” can be as small as your immediate reality, or as big as your mind can imagine…Its up to you!

If you have results that you don’t want, then you made choices to get you those results. Those choices were made from who you were BEING in that moment and many times simply because you missed the being and got to wrapped up in the doing…

Get centered; embrace who you truly are and then trust the process!!

Once again, I am humbled by the experience…. Gods Speed David!!