My Experience at the Abbey

After many hardships and troubles, I was sent to an all boys boarding school.

I had been caught stealing mail at 9 years old, was caught on private property’s stealing horses at 12 years old, had gotten caught stealing a car, was suspended from school for a racial slur (that I didn’t know was a racial slur at that time) and then eventually kicked out of that Jr. High School all at 14 years old, my choices forced my parents to take action.

As my parents tell it, they were at their wits end. They had done everything they could think of to try and contain my behavior but now, I was starting to scare them and they were worried for my well being. As an adult, my parents told me that his was the hardest decision they had ever made with me when I was young and it wasn’t just hard on them, it was hard on me too.

The car theft and the getting kicked out of school forced my parents to consider a more “restrictive” environment so they could keep me safe. I had been warned about boarding school but it didn’t matter to me…I took life as it came and decided to choose fun over consequences…Now, my result was staring me in the face.

It was decided I was going away to a private school and the decisions were being discussed with me… A military school in Texas, Another military school in some other state or the Holy Cross Abbey in Canon City Colorado.

As my parents explain it, this was the choice because they really didn’t want me that far from home. To me, it was no farther distance than Texas or China at 14 years old, all I could think was…

I was “being shipped off.”

Once the decision was made, we went as a family to tour the school. Canon City Colorado, at that time, was a small community, right on the Arkansas River, almost in the mountains. The famous Royal Gorge Bridge is here and this attracts many tourists.

As you drive into Canon City, the first think you see on your right is a small convenience store/gas station, next to that is a large open field and then, the Monastery of the Abbey… A beacon as you drive into this quaint little town. Across the street from the Abbey is a bowling alley and then within about a half a mile to a mile hike is the City itself.

The Abbey is truly breathtaking. The Abbey itself was founded by two Benedictine Catholic monks in 1886. It sits on 200 acres of property of lush pastures, housing, barns, and various buildings and is absolutely spectacular.

“The monastery building is a charming, four-story, English Gothic structure that has been enrolled in the National Registry of Historical Places. Fifty acres of the land constitute the Abbey campus. The remaining area is mostly under cultivation or used for various shops and farm buildings” (quote taken from the website, http://www.holycrossabbey.org/history.htm)

When you pull onto the campus, the only thing you can keep a constant eye on is the Monastery. Its architecture is amazing. Gargoyles sit on the corners witht heir mouts open and they are drains fro the water as if comes off of the massive roof, the orange brick and the bell tower are beautiful…but to a 14 year old kid, VERY scary!

As we pulled onto the campus, I remember staring out of the window and still denying this was going to be my new home. We made our way to the side of the Monastery and parked…To the right was the Monastery and to the left was a playhouse and behind the playhouse were the freshmen and sophomore dorms.

The campus is beautiful, clean, huge trees, wide open spaces and almost glows as you stand in awe of it. We parked, got out, and this tall, well groomed man in a Cassock or Habit; a black robe that covered his entire body, …A white collar around his neck, black shoes and long black sleeves.

He had a warm smile on his face as he approached us and eagerly walked up and greeted my father…

“Dan? I am Brother Tim; nice to meet you.”

Then he looked and smiled at me and stuck his hand out to shake mine… I did and he said …

“You must be Brad…Nice to meet you!”

I was cordial and polite but I had never seen anything like this. What is the deal with the robe man?

Introductions were made; he warmly greeted my mother and my sisters and asked us to follow him. As he walked, he started to explain the layout of the buildings and explain what they all were…

“To the right is the Monastery, this is where the monks primarily reside. Church services take place on Wednesdays and Sundays at different times. The Monks use it for various duties assigned to the order. To the left are the sophomore and freshman dorms. This is where you will live Brad….Would you like to see inside?”

I nodded and was terrified, and we walked up a few stone stairs (stairs I would spend many hours sitting on later, talking with friends and monks) into this building. As you walked in the door, it was laid out like a “T”, one long hallway in front of you, and a hallway to the right and the left of you. Just as you walked in the door, there were stairs that went up to a second floor. There was no one here at this time and the building echoed as we walked into it… Cold, alone, scary…empty…

“Brad, I understand you are a freshman?”

I said…

“Yeah, I guess, I am getting held back because I got kicked out of my last school”

“So I hear, got in some trouble did ya?”

I nodded and we moved on...

“Well Brad, the upstairs area is the freshman dorm, let’s go see it.”

And we all walked up the stairs…

When we got to the top of the stairs, it was the same layout and NOTHING like the brochures Mom and Dad showed me. At the top of the stairs was a laundry room and Brother Tim explained this was where I would be doing my laundry…

Laundry? I have never done my own laundry!

We made our way down the halls and he showed us a room. In the room were two simple single beds and two desk areas. Each room had a window that either looked out over the campus or looked directly at the Monastery…Cold, empty, alone…

We moved down the hall and he pointed out a small room, almost a closet, that had a chair and a phone in it and explained all calls to and from home would be made here. He showed us the “Precepts” room and explained that there were dorm monitors who were either Brothers or Priests that stayed in these rooms and monitored us as we lived here.

He went on about the rules and such, how things operated, and most of it, I wasn’t listening to…I was still trying to deflect the idea that I was actually going to live here.

We walked the entire campus… Saw the classrooms, the dining room, the entertainment area off the dining room, the mail room, the store and the gym…The football fields, the pastures; where he explained we would be working to “buck hay” and help manage some of the things at the Abbey.

Between the mail area and the Monastery is a walkway, as we walked down this path, he pointed out to a pasture and said “That’s the barn over there and where our horse program is… I immediately perked up…Horse program?? Cool man!

He led us back down to a common area between the Monastery and the dorm that had swings and lawn furniture assembled for people to sit in and we all sat down. Jeanette started playing with a cat, Stacey took interest and all I could do was continue to look at the vast campus and this huge Monastery before me.

Mom, dad and Brother Tim talked “business” expenses, tuition, visits, home time, etc… I was not engaged in that conversation.

After our tour, we left the campus and on the way home, Mom and Dad would talk about it and say “its great isn’t it Brad, what a nice place”, “Brother Tim sure seems like a nice guy” and try to start conversation…I don’t even remember the ride home I had so many things going through my head.

I don’t remember all of the details about getting there and getting enrolled and all of that, but I do remember large portions of my stay there.

I remember being excited when I got there and started to make friends. We all were nervous, all a little scared and this bonded us freshmen…We weren’t all that much different.

Hazing was common place then and as freshman, we were hazed by the seniors. We had a senior mentor that was supposed to be there to help us adjust to this new lifestyle but for me, they were just mean. Not all of them, but my mentor, he wasn’t interested in me or helping me and I was more of a burden o him, so we didn’t really ever connect.

During our hazing, we had to wear suits to the football games, wear beanies on our heads, and be at the mercy of the seniors when out on campus. Seniors would see us and stop us, make us play battleship with each other, one was the ship, and the other kid would be a kamikaze bombarding the ship. We would have to do pushups, run to our next class, crawl to our next class...Whatever they said for us to do, we had to do it.

It wasn’t all bad, because it really bonded us with each other and for those who had gone through it before; it bonded us with them too. Shortly after getting to the Abbey, we went on a retreat with our seniors to a place in the mountains where we kept the herd of horses for the program… It was here that I met Brother David, and this man made a huge impact in my life.

At the retreat, we had prayer meetings, church services, etc… But we also had a lot of time to check out the scenery, the area, go fishing and just relax. The aspens were changing at that time and if you haven’t experienced the Rocky Mountains when the Aspens change colors, there is no way I could capture the magnificence of that event in word…It is spectacular, breathtaking and monumentally beautiful.

As I was walking around one day at the retreat, I saw some people working with the horses and loading them into trailers. As I walked up to the corral, I heard this big deep voice saying…

“WOE…WOE GIRL…WOOOOOOOEEE!!”

I walked up to the corral, saw this man in the round pen and he had this horse rearing up in the air, pawing at him and he was trying to calm her…. In about a minute, he had this crazy horse calmed and eased and was walking up to her.

He wore glasses, jeans, was balding, had old cowboy boots on, and to me, he looked like John Wayne. I asked one of the other kids…

“Who is that?”

And they responded..

“That’s Brother David!”

“Are you serious? HE is a Monk?”

“Yup, and a tough one!”

“I can see that”

Brother David and some other kids were rounding up horses, loading them in the trailers and transporting them back to the Abbey. Apparently, this was something that happened every year, I would have to take their word for it, because as this story will explain, I wasn’t there to see it another year.

The retreat is over, school starts, and…

How ya are anywhere, is how ya are everywhere!

I was not digging the school thing and was not doing well.

I was placed in the horse program with Brother David and I had gotten to know him a little bit because he was the monitor for the sophomore dorm. I liked Brother David… He accepted me for what I was, was always straight with me, stern, caring, hard, loving, kept his word (good or bad) and when I look back, if more people would have simply been like Brother David, my life would have been different…Sadly, even now, there aren’t many Brother David’s in this world. (this is Brother david In a leading a parade)

I got involved in the Horse program and Brother David took me under his wing. He had some favorites…Cory, Chris, a few others… The “good kids” but he never turned me away for anything… He always was graciously accepting of me. I always appreciated that.

After some time in the Horse program and having June assigned to me, I was doing pretty good. I was riding in Gymkhanas or “play days” with June and Brother David always coaching me. Brother David, by my side, guiding me about horses, showing me that there was something bigger than myself. That I could make a difference and it could happen with this magnificent animal.

He showed me how to feed, how to clean hooves, medicate thrush, about horse bits, saddles, reins, bridles… He taught me everything he could about horse. I was really hooked man! I had found something that answered to my need for excitement…June, my horse, and Brother David, my teacher… “Trouble” was on the back burner!

About 5-6 months into my stay at the Abbey, I walked out to the barn and Brother David took me to his office…I knew something was wrong.

He sat me down, closed the door, sat down across from me and started speaking… I can still hear his voice…

“Brad, I have some bad news…”

“Whats Wrong Bro?”

“June is sick, and we are going to have to put her down…”

I was stunned…

”WHAT!!?? What does that mean?”

And I was growing more and more angry.

“Brad, she has a problem with her feet and we can’t fix it….”

“What do you mean you can’t fix it?? It can’t be that bad!”

“I am so sorry Brad; we had to put her down…”

“HAD TO?? What the hell does that mean, HAD TO?”

“This morning Brad, she was in pain, I couldn’t let her go on like that.”

“Brother David, I was riding her yesterday, how can this happen?”

I started to cry, he started to cry…

“Brad, sometimes, with horses, things can go bad in an hour. You remember that pony that got colic…that was just a few hours…You just never know.”

“I lost it, I was completely overwhelmed, I had NEVER experienced loss before until this moment. Not real personal loss anyway… I was bawling, and crying uncontrollably.

Brother David, stood up, came to me, made me stand up and stood there hugging me as I sobbed on his huge chest. I cried, and cried, and cried, and Brother David never let go of me…He consoled me and held on until I was ready for him to let me go…He didn’t say a word, just let it all come out…Until I had no more to come out…and then he let me go, put his hand under my chin, raised my head and said..

“Brad, I am really sorry! You and June were great together, you guys were going to make it to Wide-field (a horse competition that was a big “to do” with us) and I know you loved her. If you want to pick another horse, you can, but I know you just need to grieve now, so you take your time, and you tell me what I can do.”

I didn’t say anything, I was angry, I just turned and walked out of the barn, past all my friends and their horses, down the dusty isle ways of the barn and out towards the dorm.

As I walked out of the barn, George, our mascot goat, walked up and walked along side of me for a short distance. I think it was the first time George dint butt me with his head…It was like he was consoling me too.

 I cried the whole way back to my room and cried all night….I was totally devastated.

I never picked another horse, I turned away because it was too much pain, and I stepped out f the horse program… What replaced it??

Trouble, it was waiting on the back burner for me…

Before long, I had gotten right back to the adventures of being a troubled kid. I had only drank 2-3 sips of beer before the Abbey, never smoked a cigarette, never done a drug and now, I was facing a whole new world.

The Abbey was a prestigious school and many of the students there were from wealthy families. Many from other countries with family that traveled or simply didn’t have time for raising kids, but there was another population at that school too…

KIDS JUST LIKE ME!

And I was finding them when I was in the horse program but now that I dint have anything to keep my interest, I turned to like minded kids.

Many of the kids at the Abbey were just like me, troubled, resistant, bucking the system, etc…and now, we had no parental supervision…

Smoking cigarettes in those days was not limited to 18 year olds, as a matter of fact; we would often times go buy the monks’ cigarettes. It wasn’t nearly as taboo as it is now and was much more widely accepted.

That was first!

Then, earrings on guys was the new and incoming thing, left ear was straight guys, right ear was gay guys… Another guy I went to school with there, Cliff, he had one and I wanted to be like Cliff. I took an earring, and pierced my left ear with it…

That was next.

Smoking weed was a big thing and I found the crowd for that. There was a basement/storm shelter where some of the kids were given to use and play music in…Our high school “rock and roll stoners.” I was introduced!

NEXT!!

We smoked weed, smoked cigarettes and hung out in this storm shelter quite a bit, but you had to be accepted by the guys to get into that room and since I was hanging with the stoners now, I was accepted.

Then booze!! 18 was the drinking age then and these guys always had access to beer. I remember drinking three beers my first time and vomiting all along the fence line of the Abbey towards town. That did last long… I quickly built a tolerance.

I had gotten in trouble for a practical joke where I placed a trashcan full of water up against a guy’s door and when he opened his door, the can spilled and flooded his room. I was written up for that, and Abbey rules were two write ups, and you were GONE!

I was failing miserably in my classes, smoking weed in my rooms or the rooms of others throughout the night, drinking whenever I could, we even bought weed from a taxi driver in that town…I was fitting in JUST FINE!

One night, about 8 months into the semester, a guy had come to stay at the Abbey and worked for Brother David. He was older, had no place to stay, and Brother David took him in and put him to work. He was a nice enough guy, but what made him really cool was he would buy booze for us.

One night, me and about three other kids, went around the dorm, told some of the kids we had a way to get booze and gathered some money. We gave the guy the money he bought us a case of Mickey’s Big Mouths and a half gallon of Jim Beam…We didn’t take it back to the guys who gave us money, we went to “Strawberry Hill” and partied our little 14-15 year old butts off.

I don’t remember much of that night, and as I explained before, this was the end of my stay at the Abbey. I was kicked out after that little night of fun and now, I was a stoner, smoker, and drinker and had learned from some of the best!

I continued my troubled life, did just about every drug that I could get my hands on, made LSD one of my number one picks and partied like a rock star…It was the 80’s…I had plenty of models. With those choices came lots of results and I was on a rough path, a grim future ahead… It wasn’t looking good.

In 1985, the Abbey School closed its doors and the Monks stayed for a while but eventually they transferred to other Monastery’s, I didn’t see Brother David but one or two times after I left the Abbey and as life went on, I had forgotten about him.

At the end of the summer of 2007, while “Spring Cleaning,” I came across my old Abbey Yearbook and saw a picture of Brother David. I had not thought of him in years and wondered what he was up to. I got on the internet and started to search for him. It didn’t take long before I found he was at a Monastery in Oklahoma, still a Monk and still doing Horse programs. I figured it was a long shot, but I sent him a letter with pictures from my life and a story about what had happened to me since I left the Abbey.

I wanted him to know the impact he had made in my life, that I was working with troubled youth now and that he was a huge part of why I found that passion. I wanted him to realize that he had truly made a difference in my life, in spite of all my hardships. I was in Grad School at the time and figured there was no way he would remember me.

About 6 weeks later, I was in my garage, cleaning my motorcycle and Donna yelled to me that I had a phone call. I told her to take a message…She said something, I couldn’t hear her, so I walked out of the garage and said

“WHAT?

“Brad, you have a phone call, its Brother David.”

Oh my God, this couldn’t be true…I ran into the house, picked up the phone, and excitedly said

“Hello?”

“Hi Brad, this is Brother David.”

And immediately I had those lumps in my throat and was holding back the emotion…I couldn’t believe this!

“I got your letter, and yes, I remember you. You use to ride June. I remember when we had to put her down and I remember our talk in my office…Yeah Brad, I remember you!”

“Brother David, it’s so good to hear your voice”

And he sounded EXACTLY the same as I remembered he did.

“How are you Brother David, I don’t even know what to say?”

Well Brad, I wanted to thank you for the letter. It looks like you really took a turn in your life somewhere and if I had a part in that, I am grateful!

“Oh, Brother David, you don’t know how much of a part, but I am glad you know now!”

“Well Brad, I really appreciate the letter, but I am sad to call you with bad news…”

FLASHBACK….1982…All over again…this was not good!

“Brad, I was diagnosed with cancer a while back and now it has gotten to the point where they cant do anything. I hate to make the call like this, but I was told I only have about 6 weeks to live”

I started to sob, but wanted to be strong so I swallowed the emotion…

“Oh Brother David, is there anything I can do?”

“Brad, you have done more than you know…Thank you!”

We talked for about 45 minutes…talked about some of the old monks, some of the old students and just had a great “catch up” conversation…It was wonderful!

January 9^th, 2008, this is the e-mail I received from Brother David’s caretaker…

"I share with you the news that Br. David Downey, monk of St. Gregory’s Abbey, died peacefully in the Lord this morning at 8:45. He was strengthened by the sacraments and died at the monastery in the presence of his sister Kathleen and members of the monastic community.

Br. David was born on October 16, 1940, to Michael and Nellie (O’Keefe) Downey of Dodge City, KS. He professed vows as a monk of Holy Cross Abbey, Canyon City, CO, on July 11, 1963. It was a sad moment for Brother David when Holy Cross Abbey was not able to continue; it began to close its doors in 2004 and the remaining monks sought transfer to a number of other monasteries. Brother David and his great friend Brother Matthew came to St. Gregory’s Abbey, and promised their stability here on September 3, 2006. It is bittersweet to note that Br. Matthew passed away suddenly less than a year ago on February 16, 2007, and Br. David will be buried in the Abbey Cemetery next to him.

He attended St. Thomas Seminary in Denver, CO, St. Bernard’s College in St. Bernard, AL, and St. Benedict College in Atchison, KS. He was a certified Instructor of Horsemanship from Ranchland in Dallas, TX. Br. David was extremely popular among the students and friends of Holy Cross Academy, serving as a mentor to many. Numerous Academy alumni have traveled to St. Gregory’s over the last two years to visit with their friend, Br. David. Since coming to St. Gregory’s, Br. David was a faithful and active member of the community. He put his training and long experience with horses and therapeutic riding to work at the stables at St. Gregory’s, assisting with the therapeutic horseback riding program located on campus. He quickly became highly regarded and beloved by members of the extended community of St. Gregory’s.

Br. David was diagnosed with gastro-esophageal cancer last March. He battled the disease with courage and faith. After he learned that his cancer had metastasized in December, he embraced God’s will for his life. The monks at St. Gregory’s are very grateful to members of Br. David’s Family, the Abbey Health Care Staff, and Heartland Hospice for making it possible for Br. David to remain at the monastery until his death.

Arrangements for Br. David’s funeral are pending and will be announced shortly.

Please remember Br. David, his family and friends, and the monks of St. Gregory’s in your prayers.”
Brother Matthew was a monk I knew in my time at the Abbey as well. They were both extraordinary men, a dedication to serve others and their faith was beyond what many people can possibly fathom and I am honored to say that I knew them well….Many years ago…In my troubled life…a kid, lost, alone, scared and trying to find my way. They guided me, cared for me, and never gave up on me.

The best thing about this whole story is that Brother David passed from this life knowing that he had made a difference. I have said it before, I will say it again…there are NO ACCIDENTS in this world…No happenstance and no coincidences…EVRYTHING is for a reason and me finding that yearbook when I did, contacting Brother David when I did, it was all PERFECT!

Brother David passed from this life with a letter from me knowing that he had truly made a difference in this world. I am not so vain to think that only I showed him this, but I take great pride in knowing that I did.

If someone in your life has touched you in a way that stays with you forever, stop in, buy a card, write a letter, make a call, and let them know that your life was DIFFERENT because they were a part of it.

“We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee.”
~Uta Hagen~

There is no greater time than now, more important moment than this instant…Make it impacting, make it last and know that even the simplest expressions of caring for others makes a huge impact.

We may never know the effect of the small stone we cast into the pond, for the ripples will touch more places than you can possibly imagine.

Brother David, THANK YOU! And I hope we will see each other again sometime!