College, for me, was an amazing experience, and once I made the decision to take it on, I did so with all that was inside of me. I found very quickly that this life contained a completely different set of rules and if I wanted to succeed, I was going to have to figure them out, align with them and get to work. Needless to say, I struggled severely at first.
I went to a small Liberal Arts University and when I enrolled, there were about 800 students at there. 95% of those students were half my age and I was definitely, once again, the exception to the rule. I was a poor student when I was younger and had this on my mind much of the time when I was enrolling and taking those first steps into that first semester. Because of those beliefs, I was getting those results.
My first semester was tough; I did poorly and was placed on academic probation. My grades were below average and I even had a couple of “D’s” that if I didn’t bring up would limit my grants, scholarships and even the loans I had signed up for. If I wanted to continue on this path, I had better figure out this game and fast!
I made sure I met with the professors I was struggling with and explained why I was doing so badly. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and that old cop ego had to be put on the back burner. I was the “know it all” then, and now I was the “know nothing at all.” I made my commitment to myself about school and there is no greater person to keep your word with than you so I was determined.
I quickly found that for the most part, professors, even with the arrogance some of them possess, most truly want you to succeed but they also will not drag you along…You have to show them that you are eager to succeed as well, and most of the professors will be as committed as you are to what you want, but don’t ever expect them to be more committed than you are…If you do, you will quickly find you are alone!
I had no idea how to format a paper or take notes, or quickly complete assignments…There is no real lesson plan about how college works and my experience of academia below college level is filled with hazy memories and very little about how to do class work…If they had a smoking dope class 101, I would have excelled, but that was not a class on my degree plan.
I originally started to pursue a degree in History. I had no idea why and all I really wanted was to get that piece of paper that stated I was a college graduate. THIS was the rule of the world of professionals and at that time, my ONLY focus was making that piece of paper hang on my wall with my name on it.
I quickly found that History was not something that appealed to me. Dates, people, incidents, formatting them into how we are where we are today, it was just too much for me and I could not find an interest in it…I was starting to falter on my path and I knew I needed to change.
I had contemplated if the college life was for me and questioned my ability and then it hit me...
“If I am simply here to get a piece of paper then why not follow the “A’s” (OK, “B’s”) and pursue my education in where my talents are?”
I think this is what limits people in the experience of higher education. You start school with a vision of becoming a Doctor, a Teacher, a Scientist, a Lawyer, etc….and then when you get started, you find that you just don’t have enough interest to do the work it requires, you start to get failing grades in that discipline and then say “I cant do it” and drop out.
To me, I always remembered an old saying I heard throughout my life…
“Do what you love and the money and jobs will follow.”
The good grades I was getting were in English Literature so I changed my focus and followed the good grades. I started to understand the rules and once again, I was shifting and learning this new game I was playing. Trying to play Monopoly with the rules from RISK just doesn’t work, so why do people think it works in life?
Rules change, patterns shift and because people get so focused on how it “should” be and get “right” about their perception of “should” then they will never accomplish the goal. You can play Monopoly or RISK with a “method” for success, or a strategy but the rules apply to the game and you have to play by the rules to win.
After my first year in school, I started to really grasp how it all worked and started to play the game. As a result, my grades were improving and my GPA was growing (even though my GPA was not important to me in the beginning).
Before college, I had no real appreciation or understanding of the value of education, but I found with every class I took, education and enlightenment seem to walk on the same path… I was discovering and exploring a whole new world. I was getting evidence that either supported or discounted many of the beliefs I had been taught in my life, and we are taught every belief we have.
“The aim of education should be to teach us rather how to think, than what to think - rather to improve our minds, so as to enable us to think for ourselves, than to load the memory with thoughts of other men.”
~Bill Beattie~
Remember, the only reason you understand that the sky is blue is because someone taught you what blue is. Even our individual beliefs and opinions are taught to us, even if it is taught to us through our experience, and even then, our experience is individual and by no means makes anyone else’s experience wrong. Another thing to consider is that just because you had an experience that taught you a lesson years ago, that by no means means the experience will be the same now.
Look at your life ten years ago and think of what was “right” to you then….Look at your life now and how many of those things are still “right” for you? As time moves on, our lives and experience create different perceptions….Only the experience will tell us if any one thing is a truth for us…And even if that experience solidified a truth for you ten years ago, it might still be a truth now, but if you question it, try it again….Some mistakes are just too much fun to do once!
“Time is a dressmaker specializing in alterations.”
~Faith Baldwin~
Perception is what creates our reality, not facts! If you think that is not a truth, look at any debate around a fact…Both sides have the same facts, but their perception of those facts is what forms their beliefs. Allowing your limiting beliefs to control your outcome in life, totally controlling what you do, who you are and what you have in life is destined to make you a victim!
I started to really embrace school and at every semester’s end, when I received my grades, I would giggle at myself because I was proving all those naysayers in my life wrong… I was a good student and I quickly learned that being an “A” student doesn’t necessarily make you a “good” student. Hard work, an active interest, an appeal to learn and think outside of the box, that makes a good student…Even if the result is a “C.”
I started school at 37 years old with a goal to complete my undergraduate pursuit by the time I was 40. I took classes in the summer, pushed myself, took on more than the “standard” credits and pushed forward to the goal. I was broke, had little to no income and was delivering pizzas for dominoes to make the extra money to get little needs to get me through school.
I managed my bills and my money through grants (very few), scholarships (very few) and student loans (lots of them!). I love this saying, but for the life of me cant remember where it is from…
“You think education is expensive, try ignorance!”
I knew if I worked hard, embraced the struggles and kept driving forward, I would only live this way for a limited time. People get so comfortable with convenience and things that they never take the risks to have it greater, better, more impacting… I still wanted my life to be on my terms, and college was one of the rules for me to get to that goal.
I started Schreiner University in 2003 as a freshman, struggling and clawing my way through those first semesters (and even a few after that) and graduated with my Bachelors Degree in English Literature in the summer of 2005, one month before my 40th birthday. I even was able to make it to the Presidents List on my last semester…Not only had I accomplished my goal, I did it way beyond my expectations and that was a reward (as well as a lesson) all of its own.
After graduation, I knew it was time to get back to the “real world” and started to apply for various jobs. I really had it made up in my head that once I had a degree, people would be fighting to hire me…Oh how twisted and shallow my thinking was.
A month before graduation, I started to apply for jobs. I had updated my resume, read all the “how to” books on hunting for jobs and interviewing for positions and searched far and wide for my next exciting journey… What I experienced was stress, disappointment and more struggles. I really grasped that there is no “easy” way to achieve your personal greatness…It takes work! But I also realized it is the “work” that makes you great!
I applied for 30 jobs my first month out of school and didn’t even get a call for an interview. By my second month I had over 80 applications and resumes out and had two interviews. Three months out and I had over 100 resumes or applications filled out all over the State and was willing to sacrifice living where I had chosen to start my life anew so I could get back to work…NOTHING!
Then one day, while reading the local newspaper, I saw an ad for a position. It was with a non-profit called “K’STAR Youth and Family Services” and was for a position titled Universal Child Abuse Prevention Specialist and I had no idea what that meant. I sent in my resume with my application and was called for an interview.
Now tell me, what does a degree in English Literature have anything to do with a job description like this…It was a stretch, but I figured my past experience would carry me into anything this job required, my degree was just the key to unlock that door! Besides, I only let others tell me no, rarely do I tell myself!
After two interviews and weeding through 35 applicants, I was chosen for the position. It was a newly funded and created position and the parameters of how to create this position were broad. I was basically allowed to create the position however I wanted to, as long as I stayed within the parameters of what the funding source lined out.
I was unsure, scared and wandering around in my head as to how I was going to make this happen. What I found was the coin I had walked around on for the last ten years was about to be flipped and I was going to experience the other side for a while.
When I started with K’STAR Youth and Family Services, there were expectations that the Director and Program Director had. I was to go to the schools, work with troubled and “at risk” kids, promote the position through media outlets and presentations to groups such as ROTARY, The Elks, PTA, Churches…Anything or anyplace that was family based, community based or educational based (and even areas outside of these areas).
I went at it full speed! I was responsible for bringing these services to 14 counties in the Hill Country and also promoting the new position to all of these counties. I had numerous newspaper interviews and articles written about me and my position, I was doing radio shows all over this area and even made a few TV spots. Promoting was apparently something I was better at than I thought and the numbers assigned to me for outreach efforts were exceeded by over 100% my first year. I was in a groove again!
I was also asked to give parenting classes. I was able to give these classes to a wide range of people, but found that the majority of my students were a group of people that were basically “mandated” to have these classes.
The general population was lower socio-economic folks who had their children displaced from the home or were about to have them displaced by CPS (Child Protective Services). In general, the folks were simply young parents with little or no tools for parenting who had children and were basically doing the best they could with the tools they had. Granted, I did encounter some more “animals” and really dysfunctional people, but this was not the norm and was by far, the exception to the rule.
What I was asked to do was now go and empower and direct people who I had for the last ten years brushed off and put in jail. I was dealing with people who had extremely dysfunctional family lives and little to no parenting skills. Poor, struggling to make ends meet, working tiresome and tedious jobs, and living off the system to survive, jaded, angry, hurt… VICTIMS!
I had encountered these people many times before but it was as a result of reacting to their choices, not working to change their choices…Once again, I was stretching my limits and my perceptions. Changing your beliefs about a thing can sometimes be a rough road but I was realizing, rough roads were where I liked to spend my time… It’s the bumps in the road that makes the ride interesting and jars you from complacency.
I was given the STEP Program for parenting as well as Love and Logic to choose from and teach from. These were both programmed curriculums that had been formatted from various sources, and professionals. They were great programs but I was unclear as to how to approach the client base with them.
I poured myself into the programs to read them, looked at them and ascertained which one I wanted to use in these classes. They were both good, and they both “basically” covered the same areas in regards to parenting.
As I got into these books, I though “Oh man, this is going to be fun. I am going to really make an impact with these parents and help them!” I chose the STEP program to present with because it had good instructional videos, simple homework and large print in the books for easy reading.
I realized the win/win situation here. If I could show people how to support their children to have exceptional lives, the rewards will also flow back to them. I could truly make an impact in a huge way!
So, I scheduled my first class, had about 12 signed up and was fully prepared to get started. The first night of the class was at my office building. I had it set up with little snacks, was all dressed up (well, business casual anyway), I was prepped, had all of my copies and handouts ready and I had 6 people show up for the class. I was not happy with this result, but knew I had to move forward anyway.
I did my basic introductions, started the class, gave the presentations, lined out how the next six sessions were going to unfold, handed them the books, gave them the handouts, assigned the homework and ended the hour long session. I felt pretty good after the class.
The next day, my Boss, Kim, she came to work and asked me how it went. I was excited, told her I “felt good” about it but was kind of upset with the turn out. She assured me this was fine, it was really expected and was not uncommon for this to happen so not to worry. I was fresh to this, so I had no reason to doubt her and went about with my other duties and prepped for the next week’s class.
The next week came along and I had a return number of students equaling 2…Yup, 2 people came back, one couple. I was devastated and went ahead with the instruction, went through the course material and completed the class with the assignments reading and preparation for the little quiz next week. I apologized to the couple for the others not returning, but assured them we would get through it and get it done.
When they left, I went back into my office, sat down in a huff and started to beat myself mentally…What had I done? What had I not done? What made these people not come back??? I was just running everything through my head. I, for some time now, have realized that every result I have in my life is my responsibility. The feedback I get (in any fashion) allows me to look at “how I am showing up” and I just could not figure out what it was that caused these folks not to come back to my class. I mean come on now, I am funny, light hearted and take things pretty easy…What was the deal!?
The next day, I talked to Kim about it again and she said
“Oh, well that’s not good…Maybe you need to reconsider the format”
I started that the same day…I had to find a way to make this more appealing to my audience. I sat and thought about various trainings I had been to and realized the only ones I really enjoyed were “experiential” type classes where the class is engaged in the discussion and opinions are offered… I went back over the course work and instead of sending the questions home, I figured I would just ask them in class… This was a good way to interact with the students and hear what they thought.
So the day of the next class comes along, and was supposed to start at 5:30pm. 5:30pm comes along and no one has shown up. 5:45…No one…6:00…no one… 6:05, I started to get all my stuff together and go home. Now the vicious self talk was really screaming in my head…
“You aren’t worthy, you suck, you took on the wrong job, your education was a waste of time, yada, yada, yada…”
And it went on like that all night and even into the next day. One thing we can master as humans is being our own worst critic, that’s for sure!
“We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.”
~Roderick Thorp~
The next day, go to talk to Kim again, and she was a little shocked, but not much…
“Brad, this group of people you deal with is a difficult crowd. You have to understand the life they live. They don’t really have structure, time is of no real importance and if something is difficult, they will walk away before trying to make it work. Don’t beat yourself up too bad, just learn from this!”
I now had 6 weeks until my next class and I needed to find something that worked! I had to get the “educated Brad” out of my head and back to the Brad that was the troubled kid…the one who didn’t bother with rules, who was “right” about everything and start from there. In all reality, the group of people I was working with were familiar to me in many ways… One, they were the people I grew up with and hung out with, and two, they were the people I primarily dealt with when working on the streets…I had to get back to my “roots” and start over.
About that time, Millennium 3 education in Dallas, a personal development and professional development training center that I had attended classes and wrote about in this book was sending out an e-mail to ask for people to staff one of their trainings. I had been through almost all of the trainings they offered and had even staffed a couple of them. It had been a while, but I knew this would be a great place for me to go, get reconnected with “source” and get back on track. My focus was “tunnel vision” at that time and I needed to see some big light.
I talked to Kim about it, told her it would be a week long training, but the tools I had attained from these classes before were so powerful and I thought I could get back, get some tools to use with my classes and really make an impact. Kim agreed and let me go to Dallas for a week…paid…as training! I was thrilled.
I went to Dallas, staffed the trainings, was able to get “centered” again and it opened up some great doors for what I was going to do. A truly POWERFUL experience (as always was at his place!). After I was done staffing, I went back home and when I got back to work; I sat down with Kim with my new ideas…
“Look Kim, the courses we have to offer are great, but I think I can format the parenting classes with the principles that are in these courses (and a lot of other places), do it in an experiential way and really make a change in all of this! Will you let me design a program for this parenting class with my ideas and let’s see how it works?”
Once I told her my ideas, she was as excited as I was and said…
“Yeah, DO IT Brad!”
So I did! I went right to work!
In these formatted programs, there were workbooks, assignments, tests, quizzes…Almost like a regular type of classroom setting; a classroom setting for MANY people who never graduated High School, and many who didn’t even know how to read. I could easily see now why this was so frustrating and why people would turn away from it.
I ordered some “experiential exercise” books, spoke to my mentor form when I went through all those trainings in Dallas, and started to format my new class. I was really excited and I had ideas that I knew would work…Little things, small twists and changes, capturing many of the “parenting distinctions” experientially that are productive for healthy growth in families and started to get this outlined for the class. I also realized I needed to go do some footwork.
I went to the judges who managed the CPS caseloads, CPS workers, Probation departments…I was knocking doors and shaking hands everywhere! I explained to all these people that I was putting together a parenting class; it would be six weeks long, an hour a night, one night for six weeks. I explained to them what I was going to focus on and how I was going to teach it. Everyone seemed happy with what I had to offer and assured me they would send me some people…. Then the calls started to come in.
By the time the next class started, I had 18 people signed up. Not only was I excited, I was scared as well. Still had all those voices screaming at me, but I refused to let them be right…I knew what I was creating would work!
“It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.”
~Unknown Author~
When the next class started, I had 12 people that showed. I started the class and even encouraged them to offer me feedback as to what was going on in their life that they needed help with…
OOOOPS!!
Now all I had was victim stories…How bad the case managers hated them, how the judge had it out for them, how the probation officers don’t care about people, they just want a check…And it went on and on and on…
I was able to get this under control, and we went on with the class. People were engaged, we were discussing and debating and it seemed like people really enjoyed the class. When the class ended, I actually had people walking up and thanking me. I knew I was on to something great!
The class went on and I graduated 6 people…Hey, 50%is much better that 0% so I was thrilled…But I knew it had to get bigger! As I went through the class, I learned what worked and didn’t work through experience. I noted these things, tweeked, twisted, tried new techniques and my numbers were growing!
I decided, after some persuasion from a friend, to go back to College and attain my Masters degree. I really just wanted the degree and the letters after my name. I knew this would help me progress through my life and in all reality, I liked college!
While in my masters program, I learned two key elements in education that helped me profoundly with what I was doing with my parenting class.
- People in generational poverty and the lower socio-economic classes LEARN DIFFERENTLY
- Teaching is not designed to be at a level where people are expected to rise to. Teaching is best done when you go to the people’s level of understanding and guide them up to the point you want them to be.
These were two of the most impacting things that I learned in Grad School. Of course, I learned much, much more, but these two things were huge slaps in my face. My drive to empower and uplift people just got a little easier.
With the education and resources I had attained in Grad School, I took it back to my parenting class which now I had named Family Matters because Family Matters! I also got great relief from some stress about my Thesis in Grad school because I had no clue what I was going to do it on…Now I had it! I was creating a curriculum!
I had researched and found that there were all kinds of parenting programs….Parenting programs for addicts, parenting programs for single moms, parenting programs for parenting grandparents, parenting programs for pregnant teens…There were even programs targeted to certain ethnicities…But there was NOTHING out there that I could find in regards to parenting to the Lower Socio –Economic classes of people… I couldn’t find ONE! So this was my direction.
I started to implement the tools I had learned in Dallas and in Grad School to make this program work. I started to get evidence based feedback on the program and man, it started to SOAR!!
By the time I got out of Grad School, I was now teaching two parenting classes a week, an hour and a half a class now, turning people away because I had limited the admission of the class to 25 people with a 95%+ graduation rate. Not only that, the people were actually coming to me now and saying…
“Man brad, what you said worked…I went home and tried it!”
I created the class in such a way, that even if you couldn’t read, you could get the distinctions of the class…You could get the tools and really use them in your life. The homework was different, the assignments were different, and it was absolutely amazing! In all reality, if I didn’t have those parenting classes to show me positive results, I don’t know that I would have completed Grad School….
NO ACCIDENTS!
I was even now having repeat people come to my class… people who originally walked in my class all gruff and confrontational, FORCED by the “system” to come to my classes, were now coming back for a second time because they liked it so much. And this was happing many, many times! It was awesome for me to see these shut down, calloused, attacking people TRANSFORM into people who wanted MORE of what I had to offer….There is no greater feeling than accomplishment!
Because K’STAR was so kind to me, when I finally advanced from that job to my next one at Medina Children’s Home, I made them a copy of the curriculum to continue to use for the organization. Last I heard, they are still implementing this program with their clients and still getting good results!
At the time of this writing, I have been away from K’STAR for 2 years. I still see some of my old parents from my classes. They always walk up to me and smile, greet me with a handshake or a hug (I prefer hugs…My students know that) and often times dig into their pockets, wallets or purses to show me they are still carrying various trinkets I used in my class to help them with their daily lives.
The basis of my program is really this…
People generally hurt or abuse others because they have a low self esteem, don’t have a clue what makes them great, and in turn, want others to be as miserable as they are. If I can allow people to see that their life is TRULY magical, that they are all gifted, talented and fabulous, then the need to hurt or belittle others decreases or goes away completely. If I take experiential learning and use it to present the messages I am trying to get across to them as tools, they will grasp it and use it. EXPERIENCE is the best teacher!!
If they see value, actually see the evidence, then they will continue to use it. People have to find value in change…They have to see, taste and feel why its important before they will ever create change in their lives… Family Matters provides those things in a very powerful way! And I have evidenced based documentation to prove it!
This was my Graduate Thesis…This is what I presented for my Masters degree…And this program was given an “A” by even the staunchest of critics in my Graduate program…ACCOMPLISHMENT!! AHHHHHHHHHHH, how sweet it is!
I worked for K’STAR for 4 years and had a wonderful experience in my time there. I learned more about myself and others than I ever thought possible but as is my nature, I wanted to experience greater things.
The sad thing about many non-profits is advancement is generally limited and scarce. Non-profits are funded by the government and other agencies and can at any time, end! If the economy starts to fall, non-profits will be the first to experience cut backs. I was not advancing with K’STAR, I was not making enough money to live beyond paycheck to paycheck and an opportunity presented itself.
I was called on by Medina Children’s Home to do a presentation for them around stress management. I gladly took on the assignment and went to the home to give it to their houseparent’s. House parents are a unique group of people… They basically give up their regular lives and go to work for agencies like Medina Children’s Home to “raise” and manage foster kids who are brought inot the program.
This is a very noble and giving thing for people to choose. You truly are giving up the life as you know it to serve others and help them become successful. The kids are generally troubled and dysfunctional and at Medina Children’s Home, the house parents generally have anywhere from 6-12 kids.
They live in large “cottages” or houses and are required to follow strict state guidelines, facility policies and in all of that provide parenting for these troubled and sometimes abandoned kids. Needless to say, there is rarely a dull moment or a time without stress in this job. I applaud the people who make this choice in their life because I don’t know that I could be this giving.
I went to give the presentation and afterwards, the Clinical Director and Administrator asked if they could take me to lunch. This is not uncommon for people to offer after I go to a place and provide services, I knew both of these people and took the offer so we could go and chat and relax after the course I had given.
At lunch, the clinical director asked me if I would be interested in coming to work for them. I was shocked with the offer but intrigued and asked them what it would entail. Both of the people went back and forth explaining the complexities of the job…
“You would be a social services administrator, have a case load of kids and house parents and basically manage the cottages that are assigned to you. You will be responsible for mediating discipline for the kids and help the house parents manage the behaviors of the kids in their cottage. You would be an active team player in the betterment of the facility and would be able to work directly with the kids, their parents and their house parents. It’s a very rewarding job, but often times very challenging.”
The continued about the benefits, hours and pay, all of which were better than what I had at K’STAR and it was a really good “step up” professionally for me. The real kicker was I would be working directly with people and helping kids and the house parents find the greatness they possess. It was, at that time a GREAT opportunity. The organization was growing, they had just bought a similar facility in Dallas and the opportunity for advancement was also very appealing…
The other appeal to me was that these kids are the age I was when I went to the Abbey. As I thought about this opportunity, I reconnected with the memories I had from my experience there. The fears, the struggles, the peer pressure, the emotional rollercoaster… I would really be able to connect with these kids in a way that others couldn’t because they had not experienced what its like to be “dropped off” at some place… I could!
But still, I had to think about it, talk to Donna and make sure this was a decision we wanted to entertain.
After speaking with Donna, us going back and forth on the pros and cons of the job, the next day I called the Administrator and graciously accepted the job. I went to work that day and typed up my letter of resignation and met with Kim. THIS was the hardest part of my transition to this new path.
Kim, she has always been gracious, appreciative and understanding but when I handed her my resignation; she actually punched me in the arm! It was a shock to her and although she faked happiness for me, I could tell she was hurt and bothered by my decision. I explained to her how much I valued her, our time together and our friendship, but I had to pursue an opportunity when it presented itself. She understood and gave me her blessing as she accepted my resignation… I was, again, shifting!
In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for "finding himself." Shifting is a process that allows us to uncover more deeply who we truly are; if you are unhappy in any aspect of your life, SHIFT and try something new. No matter if you it’s a large shift or a small shift….Doing things differently creates a different result…No matter how small the “doing” is.
“SHIFT” is powerful and scary!
No comments:
Post a Comment