One of my experiences with a "troubled" youth

So, since this story seems to be about me overcoming adversity, I want to share with you a story of someone else I dealt with that overcame adversity and still is!

When I was working at Medina Children’s Home, I had a case load of about 20 kids. Some more troubled than others, and some just rebellious and not really “troubled” at all, just more than their parents could endure with the tools they had.

As is with this job, I was privy to much private information about my kids, but not all of it.

One day, later in the afternoon, one of the young girls from the home came to my office. A beautiful young girl, long dark hair, beautiful smile, cheery and happy almost all of the time. She was bored with her duties for the day and wanted to come and spend some time with me to just chat…What an honor it was for me to be thought of a as someone they just wanted to chat with…Always brought a smile to my face.

Many times I had been instructed that I “should” keep my door open when I had young girls in my office because of “liability” issues. To me, this was ridiculous…The privacy and ability to speak freely with me was entirely based on your sex? That, to me, was ridiculous. I am an advocate for these children; this is about them, not me! I understood the risks, but I am one to believe that nothing great comes without risk…NOTHING!

So, I refused (most of the time) to leave my door open when kids came to sit and talk with me, especially if the conversation was getting personal. This young girl stated off her conversation with me just explaining her day, what she did in school, etc...

She had VERY controlling adoptive parents; adoptive parents that were family members and wanted to be “Martyrs” with their church and their family for taking on these little “bad kids.” If you would have seen these people from the outside, you would have thought the very same thing… Professionals, church goers, philanthropists, etc… the “model” little giving couple…so sweet it makes me ill as I type this.

Well, this little girl was 14 at the time she was in my office, but she had lived a life of brutality and as a result, was pulled from her real parents. Some of what I am going to tell you here is brutal, so be prepared.

Before she was pulled from her home, she was used and abused in her house. She was 9-10 years old, was being drugged and then used for a sex toy by her parents and their friends. She and another little girl were the “party favors” for the drunken and drugged nights of “fun” at their house. She was brutalized and sometimes drugged to unconsciousness. Molested, raped…The list goes on and on…9-10 years old.

I don’t want this brutality to turn you from this story, as what it comes around to is really an amazing story of “overcoming” so please, bear with me through the “hard stuff” here.

When it was discovered what was happening, she and her brother were pulled from that home and placed in foster care. The brother, as I understand it, was not as brutalized as she was, but he got his share, that’s for sure!

I was this girl’s case worker, and was able to work with her adoptive parents/family members that “rescued” these kids. Let me tell you, this girl was the model child at Medina Children’s Home… Never in trouble (other than minor things), always happy, let things roll off her back, always giving and loving to others, it AMAZED me to see a survivor of this type of abuse with these types of positive traits.

When talking to the adoptive parents, they would go on and on about how manipulative these kids are, how evil they are, how they lie, cheat, steal….the list would go on and on, and often times, I would have to ask them to please stop with the descriptions of their behaviors so I could get to the point of my call…They were clearly making these kids look evil to hide their actions… In those times of dealing with them, I had no idea what those actions were, I only "suspected." Well, this day would open that can and enlighten me!

So, she comes into my office and we start chatting and then she asks me about a “privilege” and wants to know if she can take part in an activity off campus. Well, the adoptive parents would not let these kids do ANYTHING unless it was “home related” and even then, they didn’t like the idea. Basically, what these adoptive parents wanted was to lock these kids in a closet where they couldn’t talk to anyone or say anything and the closest legal way for them to do that was to place them at Medina Children’s Home.

So you understand, many of the kids that are placed there are not just “dropped off” and left for us to manage, they are placed there for us to manage their troubled behaviors and ultimately get them under control, work with the parents with methods to manage these behaviors and get the family back together. The goal is always to get the family working and back to a happy “normal” family.

When I spoke to this girl about her parents refusal to let her take part, she smiled shrugged her shoulders and said “OK.” And I just couldn’t understand that response. Not even a glimmer of resentment or being upset…she even smiled! I asked her why they were so restrictive and unwilling to let her do anything and then the the worms started crawling out of the can.

She started to explain her life to me and she just flowed as I listened… As it started, I knew where this was going and got up to close my door and sit to give her my full attention…and she went on…

“Well, after we were pulled from our moms house, she was really messed up on drugs and I guess you know what all happened there huh?”

I nodded my head in agreement and didn’t say a word

“Well, after we got taken from my mom, we were placed in a foster home and my Uncle had just gotten married. They didn’t have any kids and decided to adopt me and my brother. It was really great at first but it changed pretty fast. My adoptive mom was really controlling, very strict; everything had to go through her. She hated me…really hated me!

I was already choking back tears…How could anyone hate this girl…She is such a beautiful and precious young thing and after all the tragedy she went through, how could you hate her? Love her, embrace her, make her whole again…Am I the only person who gets that? WOW!!

“She was so mean Brad… If we didn’t eat all the food off our plate, or even left a small piece of food on our dish after we cleaned it, the next meal or two, we had to eat without utensils. If we dropped our fork or spoon, then we had a few days where we couldn’t use our hands and had to eat with our faces in the plate…like a dog. If we did it more than once, we were forced to lay out a mat on the floor, put our plates on the floor, bend on our hands and knees and eat that way; like an animal… There were times I ate like that for a week… I hated that!” She said without missing  a beat…

Man, the reason now that I wasn’t talking was because I couldn’t…if I would have said anything, I would have broken down in tears…I was swalloing lumps in my throat to hold back the emotion. Then I started to get angry! She went on…

I was only like 11-12 years old, I wanted to have friends, but that wasn’t allowed. She took the doors off of my bedroom and would not allow me to have any privacy. My adopted dad, he would never say anything and would do only what she said”

Again, I am getting more and more angry. I had actually researched these people…Upstanding professionals in the community, educated, business people, active in their church…what a façade! What a stinking smoke screen! She went on…

“I was not allowed to even talk to boys, and my brother, he wasn’t allowed to even look at girls. One time, they felt nice, took us to a basketball game, and when the cheerleaders came out, they forced my brother to stare at the floor…He couldn’t even look in that direction, Not even at the screens above the court, and if he did, oh man, it would have been ugly when we got home”

And she giggled at that…My heart was breaking, I could hear it, feel it, and was hoping to God I wasn’t showing it!

“There was a time when I was standing out waiting for my adoptive mom to pick me up from school and she was late. A little boy I knew from class was talking to me as I waited and then she pulled up. I said goodbye to him, hugged him and then went to get in her vehicle. She smiled at me and the little boy and then drove off about a block. I was looking out the window and then she grabbed me by the back of the hair, pulled me over into her lap, and started punching me in my face and my head with her fists…HARD! Screaming at me about the little boy and what we were doing. I didn’t dare fight back because I knew that would make it worse, so I just took it, denying the whole time that I did anything wrong”

Oh my God…Not sure I can handle much more of this story…I am breaking man…bBREAKING!! I swallow another lump in my throat, and she goes on…This is what is called an “outcry.” Man, can I climb this fence?

“When I got home she drug me to my room, beat me some more and called my adopted dad to come home as soon as possible. When he got home, she sat me on the bed, furiously screamed at my dad about how I was sleeping with this little boy and she saw me kissing him. Brad, that was all lies, I never did any of that…”

Another lump in my throat swallowed…

“She told my dad that I needed to be spanked for it and he pulled out a belt, made me lay over the bed, and started hitting…I lost count at 39 hits with the belt. And you want to know the really scary part?? My dad would let up on the whippings, look over at my mom and she was actually smiling, gritting her teeth, eyes all big and would say “hit her again, hit her again!” That went on for a long time that night but not as long as another night.”

Oh my Got, this gets worse? Man, I thought I had seen brutality in my life, in my time in Law Enforcement, but this was something entirely new. I had seen kids hurt and injured, but rarely did I hear the stories directly from them. As a Deputy Sheriff, we were always instructed to leave the "story" for the "professionals" to handle, so I never had statements given to me directly fromt he child.

“My mom came home one night and my dad was out of town. She accused me of trying to steal her husband and trying to seduce him. She called me the "spawn of Satan" and knew I was there to ruin her marriage. I never argued, I never said a word, because I knew it would get her more mad…And then it started… She hit me, and then hit me again…She went and got a belt and started to whip me and she would whip me until she got tired, leave the room and come back and do it again until she was tired…This went on all night. Brad, they are just mean, so them telling me I cant go somewhere, that’s fine with me, just as long as I am not going back there!” And smiled at me…

I was broken, shattered, it had been years since I had been witness to, or even close to anything as tragic as this, and it all overwhelmed me so much that I had flashbacks to my days as a cop and some of those brutal images…This was making things from those days resurface.

I swallowed another lump and now was full. I was able to contain myself, empatehetically smiled at her and told her that I would see what I could do to get her involved in a “home activity” and try to make up for this. She was seeing a little boy on campus at that time and I immediately told her to make sure she was "careful…" If those parents even had a hint that she was having some kind of a regular happy kids life, they would pull her from there in a second… But not without a fight from me now, thats for sure!

I hugged this little girl, spoke to her a little more about typical kids stuff… It was amazing how she could turn from such a tragic story to an everyday conversation like a light switch… What an amazingly strong young woman she is!! I was so impressed.

By this time, it was time for her to get back to her chores and then get on back to her cottage. It was also about time for me to go home. I walked her to the door, asked her if she had told anyone this stuff before and she said “not all of it.” I thanked her for trusting me so much and telling me all of this and gave her another hug.

She skipped out of the office and onto the campus like a jovial little child. Which, in all reality, she is…Wounded, scarred, but because she was at Medina Children’s Home…HAPPY! What a blessing that place and places like this are; even if the kids dont think so sometimes. My time at the Holy Cross Abby in Canon City Colorado reminded me of what these kids felt like after being at a place like this.

When I was "dropped off" atthe Abbey, I was scared, confused, alone, and although I know now it wasnt true at all, I felt abandoned and unwanted. I was 14 years old, a long way from home and even through my toughest efforts to be strong, I laid in bed at night and cried from all the emotions. And so did a lot of other kids. We all experienced the same emotions and fears... I guess that was made our bonds at those schools so strong.

I closed the door, locked it, went back to my office, sat in my chair, leaned back, took a deep breath and then it was like a wave came over me, slamming me on the beach with the force of a tsunami…

I was forced over with my head between my knees and starting to cry…Crying so hard that I could feel my shoulders moving with the sobs… Luckily, it was after business hours and I was alone in the office building. I am sure my sobs could be heard down the hallway. I had to be strong in this job...HAD TO! I don’t know even how long I did that for but I was really unloading…

I contained myself, went to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and started to head out the door.

As I got out the door, a house parent was walking up to greet me…Oh man, I didn’t need this right now…I didn’t need to see anyone right now…

As she walked up to me, she looked at me, cocked her head and said “Brad, are you OK?” and I nodded, told her it had been a rough day, and I just wanted to go home. Besides, not only could I not tell her what I just experiences, I couldnt emotionally anyway!

On the drive home, I reflected on this story and day, I would have moments of tears and then moments of laughter at how strong this little girl is. I got home, told Donna I needed to tell her what just took place, and started the whole story over again…This time; I was throwing up those lumps I had swallowed!

Donna, knowing the person I am, consoled me, gave me comfort, and asked me “what are you going to do?”

I told her I had to think on this a bit but I knew it was going to have to be reported…I just wanted to do it in a way where I wasn’t violating the little girls trust and was able to get to those abusive and evil people as best I could.

The adoptive father of these two was an attorney, and I jokingly said “I should go to his office as a perspective client, with an alias, walk in, beat the holy crap out of him and then walk out…” He would never know who I was. I sure didn’t have to worry about these adoptive parents EVER coming to visit them or the home and making the connection of who I was…They hadn’t ever come tio visit up to that point!

I knew this wasn’t the answer but it sure felt good to entertain the idea…I took great pleasure in visualizing me administering a punishment on him more severe that he could do to any child…

I sure wished I could get 5 minutes alone with that guy!

I went to bed that night and it was “one of those nights”

When I sleep now, even to this day, years after leaving Law Enforcement, if I am under a lot of stress or anxiety, I get vivid dreams of my cop years, the tragedy, those dreams where you are in a shootout and your gun wont fire, dead people, car accidents… the only way to explain this to people who haven’t had experiences such as this…Think of your dreams of you in a public place in your underwear…that’s about as close as you can get to understanding these dreams if you haven’t seen and witnessed tragedy on an extreme scale.

After my restless night, I woke up, went back in to work and went directly to my director’s office. As soon as I walked in and closed the door, I felt that lump in my throat again. Before I even started to talk to her about this, I said “I am pretty emotional over what I am about to tell you, so bear with me.”

She stopped what she was doing, turned to me with concern, and I went on with what I was told…Swallowing to contain emotion and throwing up those lumps when I couldnt take it anymore as I talked.

I told her that this was an “outcry” and I had to act and report this. She agreed and I went to work. I contacted CPS and advised them of what was going on. Now folks, I want you to know that I don’t hate the people that work for CPS, but the CPS system is a joke…a J-O-K-E!! I had, at that point, been dealing with them for many years with really bad results.

I had one instance when I was a Deputy, working with Jack, where we had to take a child from a house, the parent was trying to kill the child, 6 months old, multiple birth defects, young mother, the child was a twin, she wanted to be rd of the "problem child." We told CPS this, they took the child that night, did their "investigation"stated they found no abuse, and later placed the child back with the mother. As is policy fro CPS, they send a letter to the person reporting (Jack) the day before Jack got that letter explaining this, the mother had murdered the infant we warned CPS about. Jack and I were so furious, wanted to call the media, but our reins were pulled back by those above us in command.  And then, on the other extreme, When working with parents in CPS cases with K'STAR, CPS was taking kids and displacing them from their parents because the parents get caught with a dimebag of weed…What is wrong with this picture? Another system that is broken…B-R-O-K-E-N!!

I think it was Jimmy Carter who made the statement, "When the punisment outweights the crime, we are doing a dis-service." I agree!

As I spoke to CPS, they explained there was an open case on this already and tried to pawn it off on that case. After much debate with this idiot I was speaking with, I explained to him this was a DIFFERENT case and CPS had a RESPONSIBILITY to address this case. He continued to try and brush this off and I said….

”Well, I will tell you what, you don’t open a case on this and I will call the San Antonio News. I am sure that with all the great press you are getting for pulling those kids from that polygamist sect in West Texas, they will LOVE to hear this story! I mean really, a case where CPS is refusing to act in the best interest of the child…Can you spell your last name for me please?”

Immediately he said, “My Golden, we will get right on this, give me a second and I will get you a case number!”

I politely said (with a smile on my face) “Thank you!”

I brought the young girl back into my office. I had to explain to her what was taking place. I sat her down, told her again how grateful I was for her trust in me, and to continue with that trust, she has to let me protect her and keep her safe. She nodded, looking confused and I went on…

“Sweetheart, I have to tell the authorities what you told me yesterday” and her smile slowly started to fade…

“But I want you to know that no matter what, I will not let anything happen to you. You told me that you didn’t want to go back to that place, and this will insure that you won’t. Look, your adoptive parents are professionals and you and I both know that they are putting on a show. If they are clear that you are going to report every single thing they do, they will not ever take you back to that home because you are too much of a risk for their well being. These kinds of people are self serving and want everyone to think they are perfect”

She nodded her head in agreement…

“So if they think anything will change that opinion of them, they will keep their distance from it…Do you understand?”

Her smile brightened back up and she nodded again…

“So trust me again and let me take care of this OK? I just want you to know exactly what I am doing…I don’t want any surprises coming from me to you…unless its good surprises!” and I winked at her…

She smiled, hugged my neck and I started to feel that lump again, but I wasn’t swallowing it this time… I cried with her.

The funny thing about men, is many times they are afraid to show their vulnerable side…I have found when I do that, almost all of the time I am rewarded…this was no different.

“She cried a little too and then she looked at me and said “Brad, thank you for caring about me!”

Oh my God…Man, THIS is why I do this work…THIS is why I love this stuff…

Anything great has to come with risk!!

After this, she got up and went directly back to her chores and her duties at the Home, SMILING!

I had HUGE hopes that this would be pursued with charges against these people and in hopes, blow up that cloud of crap they had built around themselves, but alas, the “system”prevails once again.

I was contacted by CPS a short time later and advised that there was nothing they could do… “This is just a he said/she said thing and we can’t pursue this”

I was FURIOUS and wanted to speak to supervisors, etc… I was able to speak to a regional person and advised the same thing. I was so angry and lashed out at this person I knew immediately after I said it, I was in the wrong… I said…

“Do you people actually ever do anything that is FOR the benefit of the child? Because my experience with you people shows me you don’t!”

And before the person could respond, I said… “I am sorry, I know you do the best with what you can, that wasn’t fair and I apologize.”

Again, I KNOW the "system."

The regional person said “Mr. Golden, I understand your concern in all of this. The other reports are all in a file on these kids…They are safe where they are with you and we want to make sure they stay there. The possibility is that we would have to move them from your location if we pursue this because or bureaucratic red tape…I know you don’t want that right? If they try to come pick the kids up and take them home, call us and we will help you stop that from happening witht he evidence we do have.”

And then I really felt like an idiot… “No, I don’t want that and I again apologize…I just want to see justice served I guess.” Sometimes we get so focused on what we want, we don’t see the bigger picture…Lesson learned!

I got off the phone with them and called the young girl back to my office. I explained to her what had happened and she smiled, shrugged her shoulders and said “That’s OK…I get to stay here and that’s all that matters”

Man, sometimes we want to make things about “US” and in reality we miss making things about “Them” and she was content… Man, this was quite a fence I just climbed!!

I don’t have to be “right” in how I see it, just as long as she is happy, that’s all that matters… And she was/is…

An update on her is that she, at the time of this writing, has not gone back home, is excelling in her program and has a really “normal” life now. She has a boyfriend, the Home was able to figure out more ways for her to be involved with “Home” activities and she is a beautiful young woman growing in a safe environment, with people that care about her and love her, and I get to see her about once a month or so.

She always runs up to me, screaming my name and gives me the biggest hugs and genuine smiles…She is a beautiful blessing to this world and I know she will go far in her life! She is happy, a good student, giving, caring, open and loving…

She, through all adversity STILL sees the greatness she possesses (as well as the greatness in others) and she refuses to let anyone take that from her. Here is a 14-15 year old girl who has faced more struggle and strife than most and even at her age, she has overcome and become bigger than her circumstances… What an inspirational person she is to me and I am happy she and I crossed paths in this life!

If you don’t believe the “if I can do it you can do it” saying, then try this one…

“If she can do it, you can do it!!

We ALL Possess greatness bigger than our circumstances...All of us!!

Never let the actions of other signify your life…You are too big and beautiful to allow that!