Transformation! Seeing it differently!

In October of 2000, I was called by a life long friend, “Big Brett” and he told me about a professional and personal development raining he had taken and asked me if I was interested. I explained to him that I didn’t need any of that crap and turned him away.

Brett and I had walked this life journey for a long time together. We met when I was 15, he was 16 and we walked much of our life side by side. To this day, Brett is seen as a part of my family. We have spent Christmases together, Thanksgivings, he was the best man when I married Donna, we were troubled kids together in our youth (he was always more reserved than me though), and we lived together in Colorado as well as in Texas, and have always been friends.

We see the world differently, we have different opinions and different beliefs but we love and value each other and realize that compassion is so much bigger than the differences we have…This has kept us close for a very long time and in all reality, he probably knows more about me and my life than anyone….and that’s because he was experiencing right there with me!

After living together in Texas, Brett branched out and found his path and we stayed in touch by phone calls and one or two yearly visits with each other. He has always stood by me, never violated my trust and sincerely cares for me, as I sincerely care for him… A rare friendship for sure, and I am grateful for it!

Well, after talking to me, he asked if I thought Donna might be interested in these trainings…I told him he would have to talk to her and it was about that time my family, some other family friends, and Brett went on a Caribbean cruise… Life was starting to change again and I had no clue.

On the cruise, Brett talked to Donna about these trainings and she was interested…She said she wanted to go and I rarely get in the way of other peoples desires, that period of my life was no different…If she wanted to go, go, it was fine with me!

I had talked to Brett about it and he continued to ask me if I was interested. I eventually told Brett…

“Look, if she goes and gets anything from this, I will go.”

Because Donna, well, she doesn’t get too worked up about much and if this training was impacting to her, I knew it would be impacting for me…She was the guinea pig!

Things were really bad for me at this time… the year 2000 was a terrible year in my life. I was becoming miserable as a cop, was drinking ALL the time and would sit in my garage every night with another friend and drink a case of beer with him…every night!

Rudy had gotten in some trouble and as a result was forced to resign from the SO and that was devastating. I had a VERY close friend who was like a family member to me, and somehow, shot himself in the head with a pistol and killed himself. This death weighed on me very heavy… I was so totally twisted from this loss and really thought most of the problems in my life were a result of my managing the loss of this friend…Little did I know that this death was just another brick on top of the tomb I was building for myself.

I had built a wall…I was tired of being hurt and wounded. I had “friends” who had turned on me, lost this friend, my “amigo” was gone, I was being promised things and lied to…I was letting my circumstances create my reality… I was the ULTIMATE VICTIM!!

Victims are simply people who allow the circumstances of life dictate who they are and who they choose to be. The circumstances of my life at that time were multiple and devastating and I was allowing those things to control me!

In January of 2001, Donna took these trainings Brett had told us about and I was there for the graduation. It was a strange experience… I went at it with my cop mentality!

I walked into this training facility with people hugging each other and smiling, being friendly, kind, open, caring…. This was strange to me, didn’t make sense, and I immediately went into self defense mode. I found a corner to back myself into so I could see all the people and uncomfortably waited for the class to end and go see Donna.

As I stood there, people would walk up and cordially introduce themselves, I would respond with my half assed cop smile and shake their hands trying to be cordial, but in the back of my head saying “Get away from me you freak!”

After a short time of being uncomfortable, the doors opened for the classroom and I walked in. It was dimly lit, inspirational music playing and the students of the class all standing in a circle holding hands with their eyes closed… I wasn’t as shocked as I was eager to see Donna…and in all reality, I was terrified!!

I had it all made up in my head that this class was going to strengthen Donna to the point where she would see I was a miserable piece of crap and leave me. I couldn’t handle another loss in my life, another person to turn on me, I just couldn’t manage anymore struggle….2000 was enough and I was full!!

I found Donna in the circle and walked up to stand in front of her. She was beautiful…actually glowing! Smile on her face, she looked 5-10 years younger and I could actually feel the warmth off of her… I was stunned!

Donna wasn’t expecting me to be there and when she opened her eyes, saw me, she gasped, started to cry and leapt for me. She grabbed my neck, hugged me, kissed me, told me she loved me over and over and I was almost in shock…We had not had an interaction like this in some time…We were “managing” our relationship up to this point.

After the class, we went back to Brett’s and she went on and on about how impacting this experience was for her, how she saw things differently, could see her responsibility in regards to her life and was just flying….walking on her tiptoes…as a matter of fact, almost drifting when she walked she was so light!

We drove back to our house in League City and we had one of the most impacting conversations in our entire relationship that trip… It was a 4 ½ hour trip and every second was filled with happy conversations and stuff we had not discussed in years. Man, this was amazing and I had to have some of what she got.

After I got home, I called Brett and told him to sign me up…I was going to take these classes!

I was so torn over Shane’s death and could really feel the weight of this loss on my shoulders…It was a heavy burden for me and I thought that maybe, just maybe, these classes would help me manage the suffering I was experiencing from Shane’s death and the other dramatic instances which had taken place..

I got the time off from the Sheriffs Department and took on the classes…HOPING it would help life be better, happier…MANAGEABLE! Because life was becoming, un-manageable… QUICK!

I was “sick” AND “tired.” I needed something different….little did I know the impact of these training and what change I would create in my life. I was aware that it was time to get out of Law Enforcement, but had no idea how to quit BE-ing a cop!

I can remember my first day of the first class. I was excited about the opportunity to possibly find direction in my life and build a stronger relationship between my wife and family. On my first day, standing there with a friend of mine, we were standing in the lobby talking about all the people scattered throughout the room, hugging each other and talking to each other face to face. What was up with this, what a bunch of freaks, I cant hug all these people, I hope they don’t invade my space like that, I wont be hugging people like that, and getting more nervous as the time ticked closer to the start of the class. The doors opened, I went inside and sat down, looking over at all the people, arms crossed and ready to see what this was all about. Prepared to fight!

This lady walked out and started to talk to the class about these cheesy ground rules and I could feel the tension starting already. I sat back and drew all this in, listening to the "adults" combat the simple rules of this class. Man, this is going to be a LONG day. Jesus, shut the hell up, quit your bickering, it’s the rules…if you don’t like them, LEAVE…How hard is that? I mean really, you get your money back if you don’t want to be there, so go!

As the class went on, I started to wonder what the hell I was doing here, these people are a hell of a lot more screwed up than I am, I really don’t need to be here. The first day ended and I went back to Brett’s house where Donna and I were staying while I was going through the class, to chew them out for putting me through this. This sucked!!! He comforted me along with my wife, explained to me that the first day was tough but that it WOULD get better and to just ride it out, to trust him and to trust my wife. I trusted them and went back the second day.

This day started off great and started off fast, I liked it a lot more already. The class went on through the day and I was starting to settle in. I got into a small group of people and really started to "click" with them. I was really starting to enjoy this. The day went on and towards the end of the night; we formed two large circles and were facing each other. The line is assembled and when you stand before each person, you “vote” with your hand and to rank the extent of your vote….”four” was the highest you could get. The line started to move and to my amazement, EVERYONE voted me a four. I was floored with emotion and through this, I found that I had passed people up that were close to me and might not ever get the chance to do it again. I was going to make sure that I told everyone I knew just how much they meant to me and show them how much too.

How had I lost touch with this? Where in my life did this fade? When did I lose the value of others? What had I created??

I went home that night to Brett and Donna and they were waiting at the entryway of his house with smiles on their faces, arms out, ready for me, they knew what I went through and were there for me. I leapt into their arms; cried and told them I was sorry for ever doubting them. I told them exactly what they meant to me and from that day on, our relationships were changed.

Third day, I am excited, I am eager to get in here and work at this. I am ready to take control of my life, I am starting to fly. Towards the end of this day, I had walked into a junk yard, peeled off the armor I had built around myself and was naked, ready to take it all on. Staring all over again….

It’s not the number of times you get knocked down that matters, its how many times you get back up that makes all the difference!

I had sailed a ship to a new world and had a serious conversation with my Mom and Dad. I realized I had been in my head, looked out of my own eyes and seen the filters that I had placed before me… Man, my rose colored glasses weren’t rosy at all! At the end of Sunday night I had been washed, rung through the ringer and dried. I was a new clean towel and was flying in the wind. I was standing there with my eyes closed, thinking about this new life I had created and waiting to open them and see my beautiful wife before me; ready to start my new life with her.

I opened my eyes and before me stood this BEAUTIFUL woman, I knew it was my wife but she looked so different to me. I was seeing her in a different light. How could this beautiful woman have become this stunning light that penetrated me as I stood there, how could she do that in just a day? She was always beautiful to me but now she was in my soul. I reached out to her and hugged her; I cried and thanked her for being part of my life and standing by me through this process.

Behind my wife was Brett. He was there at this new birth, and Brett had been to a few births of mine I realized that here was a man that loved me with all of his heart, here was a man that gave me the best gift that anyone could ever give me, this man gave me my life, he gave me a light to see myself and the people close to me in a different light. Thank you Brett, THANK YOU!!!!

I realized that it wasn’t Shane that weighted me, it wasn’t Law Enforcement, it wasn’t those snake deputies who liked to cut throats, it wasn’t even the scumbags on the streets…it was ME that had created the life I was living and it was ME that had to create it differently.

The classes are in three sections…Basic, Advanced and the Leadership Program. I had completed Basic and was on my way to Advanced class… I was, once again, changing. I was treading back into familiar territory…territory that I was in before Law Enforcement and I was at ease in this place… it felt good to have compassion and caring again…It felt good to trust and realize I COULD be in control of my life again… I had forgotten all of this!

Advanced class is starting. I am seeing some people from my basic and am bouncing off the walls. I am ready; I am ready to get more of what I got in the basic. Let’s get this going. Open those doors, let’s get started. I am nervous but I am so excited. The doors open, I rush in, name tag on, got my seat picked out, sit down open body position, ready to take it on, LETS GO!!!

I sit down, the doors close and silence. OH, I remember this game, let’s talk. Cool, I get to meet some new people, let go around the room and meet everyone. I am nervous but I am still ready. One hour is up and BOOM, all hell breaks loose.

The staff door busts open and my God, the trainer, in a dark suit comes into the room and he is pissed. He is running around the room, yelling and screaming. What the hell is this, this is not what I expected, tension up and I am starting to tighten every muscle in my body. OK, OK, shut down, block this guy out he is a ball of negative energy. The day goes on and I have decided. This guy is a power freak, he likes control and he is a TRUE asshole. I would love to get my hands around his throat and choke the life out of him. He needs to go back to hell where he belongs…wherever that is!

Little did I know or understand the traits in that person at that time, were a direct reflection of what my life had become… I didn’t like it living it, and I surely didn’t like it watching it and hearing it.

The day ends and as I walk out of the class, I take my first breath; I think it was the only one I took for twelve hours. This SUCKS!!! All the way home I am thinking, just trust Brett and Donna, this will be OK. I get to Brett’s and express to him how much I hated this; this is not what I expected. Called my wife and told her how this instructor was an asshole and I hope it gets better. They assured me that it would so I went on trust... BARELY!!

Thursday is here and the day is starting the same, anger, control, yelling, screaming, hate, pain… The day is about three quarters finished and the class decides to take a stand for some of the other class mates who chose to be late back from the break. This instructor is vicious and is attacking everyone about this. I am not scared of this asshole, I will stand up to him, and I do. I wont let this guy bully me or anyone else…Shit, I get paid to protect people…I will protect these people too!

I stand up and the fight is on. He is yelling at me, cussing me, telling me what to do, I shut down, find that extremely dangerous calm I possess…that calm before the storm but in my head am yelling at him, "Come on, lets go, I can push buttons too." Now he is right in my face, yelling at me, cussing at me…

“GET OUT OF THIS CLASS!!”

As he yelled at me, I was thinking to myself…

 “Come on boy, touch me one time, I will snap your feeble neck, just touch me!”

I try to push his buttons and he is starting to explode, the trainer then decides not to attack me but use the class against me, threaten me with my class.

“YOU GET OUT OF THIS CLASS RIGHT NOW OR I WILL SHUT DOWN THE WHOLE THING AND NO ONE IN HERE WILL CONTINUE!”

“OK, you win this time FUCK YOU!! I will see you again”

And I am gone; out the door I go, open the doors and I EXPLODE in fury and hate. Breaking things, shoving things, holding my middle finger to the world. I was so furious and so filled with anger that as I exited the front door of the training facility, I shoved it so hard, it broke…I had shattered the front door of the facility… I was in a rage that was a very dangerous place for me to be or others to be near…

That rubber band was tighter than I had ever let it get before and one more little push, it would snap. I was a little scared because the extent of this anger, I had not really experienced before without some kind of relief…the relief usually took place in the way of whipping someone’s ass… I didn’t have this option this time…that little devil in that room made sure of that!

Now, I am almost out of his reach and on my way to freedom, here comes one of his little demon helpers to rope me back in.

"Brad, Brad, calm down, please don’t leave, lets go back inside and work this out, we can do this, you can do this."

I warned them not to get close to me, and not to touch me and apparently my face and body sent a loud message as well because the folks talking to me were keeping a safe distance as they tried to calm me down… Man, it makes me almost ill to think I was so out of control… I was in a rage of rages and I didn’t know what I was capable of…well, I knew, but I didn’t want to visit that in my head.

Remember those animals I told you about in the jail?? Well, I was fully prepared to make them look like house kittens!! I was prepared to pounce and really hurt someone of they pushed me any further.

Well, I am no quitter so I listen to the people talking to me, they are the staff of the class and as I calm down, they talk me into going back into the training center. In my short time outside, I found that armor I threw away in basic and put it back on, waiting for battle. I walk in and staff peoples are everywhere, talking to me about staying, looking at their way, trying to tell me that the trainer and the trainings are “good for me” and I will be OK. Well, I have my armor on and I am ready, lets do battle, I would rather be right and not allow that trainer to control if I am there or not, so I stay.

I am in the lobby, talking to staff members and the doors open and look at this, all the class members I originally stood up for are piling out the doors coming out at me, offering me options….

If I want to stay, I have to enroll every single member in why I should stay and what I have to offer. I have to own my mistake (which I didn’t think was a mistake at that time) and BE vulnerable…Not an easy distinction for me at that time!

In the beginning, people think vulnerability will make you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you're strong enough to care.
~Victoria Pratt~

All the students circle around me and start judging me, telling me I did wrong. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!! I stood up for them and now they are judging me for what that’s ego maniac trainer did. You sorry backstabbing bastards; I know people just like you!

 Now the vote has come, I was able to enroll everyone into keeping me in the class and we start to go back in to face the trainer again. I am not scared; I have my armor on and a wall in front of me that they will never be able to climb. Let’s go fight this battle!!

Back in the room, the trainer comes right at me pushing, prodding, and trying to snap my rubber band… As I look back, man, if he only knew what he was playing with! My armor is tough, you are not getting through, keep on trying.

We have an exercise where I am able to get to hear from people how I am viewed…The line starts. The students are attacking me again…

“You are selfish” “you have a huge ego” “YOU’RE AN ASSSHOLE”

I am building this wall higher; they will never get over it. I am now to a point where I don’t care what they say, and I have tuned them out. My wall was thick, big and secure...

The night ends and I am completely shut down, looking for vengeance, looking to get even, wanting to beat the shit out of somebody… My anger was consuming me!!

 It is clear that I am an outcast; the class has let me see that. I am not going back to fight this battle; they won this time. When I get back to Brett’s, I am confident that I am not going back to the next day of this class. In all reality, I was so on the edge of snapping, I really didn’t know what I was capable of and if this trainer came at me again like he did, I was not sure what I would do to him… I was mad, AND I was scared!

The phone rings and some of the students from my class are calling me, telling me how happy they were that I stayed with them. I didn’t believe them and in all reality, I didn’t care what they had to say… They could all kiss my ass!! But I got off the phone, thought about the situation, my ego swelled and I was NOT going to let this trainer have the last word. I decide to go back but am biting at the bit to just throw my hands up and quit. I AM NO QUITTER!!!

Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death.
~Omar N. Bradley~

           

Friday, on the way back to the class, I am nervous, can't hold the steering wheel from my hands sweating. I have been given a task to make myself completely vulnerable… Resisting the whole way, I did it, but my armor is still on and I am ready for a fight. ROUND TWO!!!!

I get to the training center and try to plan my attack. A couple of hours go by and then something happens. One of the class members stands up and addresses me, the outcast, this guy was actually one of the ones that was pushing hardest for me to go away last night as I was enrolling people to let me back in. This jerk stands up and tells the whole class,

“I want to acknowledge Brad, I want everyone to see how strong he is and acknowledge him for his breakdown and breakthrough, I hope everyone can see the transformation in him and that he is powerful."

I look down for a minute and start to cry, I hear clapping and look up from my feet, when I look up, I don’t see manipulators or liars anymore, I see caring and concerned people. The emotions come like a tsunami and I almost pass out. I was so ready for a war but was met with an embrace…I was not prepared for this!

As the applause continues, I feel the clapping peeling off my armor, pulling down my wall. I realized that I made myself the outcast, the students of the class were always there for me, to help me, to help me transform and at that moment I looked up and saw this whole class of angels, on their feet applauding me, drawing them to me, my wall crumbled, my armor was gone and I was in the beginning of a breakthrough.

The day ended and I was starting to shed all this hate I had for this trainer, for me, for the world. I had realized that my perception created my reality and I was perceiving so off the grid… Like I said, my rose colored glasses weren’t so rosy.

I realized the trainers actions that night were actually a mirror of me and how I was showing up in the world.  I was yelling, wanting to fight, wanting to kill, wanting to snap my own neck, not his! And in all reality, over the last few years, WAS snapping my own neck! I was fighting with ME and he was making sure he was standing as tough as I was!  I WAS STARTING TO GET IT.

“All forms of self-defeating behavior are unseen and unconscious, which is why their existence is denied.”~Vernon Howard~

Saturday starts and I am still testing the waters, still trying to conquer the trust issue I have…it’s a big thing for me in this period of my life! Today is my day to be vulnerable. I am selected into a small group and am with a bunch of men. I am feeling pretty good but have found through the experiences in this class that when you feel good, look out, something is about to happen, and boy was it about to happen.

The groups are picked and we have to become something we never thought we would be. We are all assigned roles and are to play a part that is so far from our reality, it’s a true stretch of the imagination. We ARE ballerinas!!!

How are we going to pull this off, we are ballerinas? Men, ballerinas, now that is a STRETCH!!! We team up and get together and my wall is still crumbling, I am starting to feel good, well, I am starting to feel OK.

The night goes on and we dance together. We dance as ballerinas and then dance as a class, all the students dancing in their best dress of their roles, stretching themselves, dancing carefree and alive.

The dance is done and I walk to my corner, as I start to relax, I see the staff door open and see Brett in the staff room dressed in black, I know my wife is in town and is probably with him. I am not sure what’s going to happen, but I am excited.

The trainer guides us to

“relax, close your eyes, trust and fall backwards”

I do, am caught by the staff and the class and now am FLYING!!! I feel a gentle touch on my head and warmth through my body. I know that Donna and Brett are behind me, holding me as I fly. I am overcome, I am starting to cry, I feel my head being supported and lean back into that support. The support is strong and stern and I realize that it has always been there….Donna, it was Donna holding my head as I “flew”…I knew it!!  How was I so blind to think that it wasn't there? I am truly blessed and will never take advantage of that again.

“Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway.”
~Mary Kay Ash~

The night comes to a close and before I start to reflect on the experience I have had up to this point…Light switches are clicking, reality is coming into focus, those glasses are getting clearer and I am really starting to see how responsible I am for everything in my life…Up to this point, and from this point… It is TRULY up to me! What a breakthrough!!!

Sunday night came, here I am again. I am in this dark room, in a circle, eyes closed, looking over the past week. MY GOD I am exhausted. I am ready to go home, ready to leap into my angels eyes and love her forever, love her unconditionally, make myself vulnerable. I am ready to leap!! I truly feel transformed!

First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination. ~Napoleon Hill~

The music stops, I open my eyes start to jump into Donnas arms and when I open them, she isn't the first thing I see, I look and its Shane’s Mother standing there… Shane, the friend I had lost almost a year ago…She was standing in front of me and was there to hug me as I conquered this wall I had built… I almost collapsed, my knees got weak. I faltered and started to fall and she rushes in to catch me and support me.

I am crying so hard now and feeling so much emotion, I can hardly stand. Shane’s mother and I were each others rocks to stand with when Shane died…We had been through a lot of emotional days together, emotional chats and she was the only one that seemed to understand the suffering I was experiencing with this loss… The ONLY ONE!

As I hug her, she whispers in my ear…

“I am here for you, I am here to give to you just a little of what you have given me….support and love."

I almost passed out. How did Donna know this would be so impacting…How could she know? I had sheltered so much of my pain from her… There are no accidents!

It was here that I saw what my life had become…It was here that I saw where I was responsible for all I had in my life, and it was here that I reconnected with the distinction that it was up to me to make it different…When I left Dallas, I went to work on my life!

I was able to see that life in Law Enforcement was not something I needed anymore. What I had become in that field was necessary for my survival, but I was tired of surviving… I wanted to LIVE! And living wasn’t something I had done in some time.

The hardships of the world had toughened my soul…the cruelty of the world had jaded my vision…The tragedy of the world had cooled my spirit and it was clear that from the deepest of my insides out, I had to get out of this and follow my heart again…seek out the life I wanted…Change, shift, have it differently.

“After you've done a thing the same way for two years, look it over carefully. After five years, look at it with suspicion. And after ten years, throw it away and start all over.”

~Alfred Edward Perlman~

I knew I could do it… I just lost sight of my abilities… The longer you are away from your talents, the rustier those talents become… Embrace your talents because they will lead you to the great life you were put here to experience…Whatever that journey is!

 Donna and I were still in our perspective fields but the universe was about to show us how to make it different… Our life, as a result of what we learned in these trainings, was about to shift in a huge way!!

We took a trip to the Texas Hill Country, fell in love and knew this would be our landing strip for our flight from that life… Now we just had to figure out and line out the flight plan…and we got to work.

Over the next few months, more doors opened, more clarity of our dream opened up, near tragedy exposed a new “chance” and sent us a message and it was time to fly!!

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
~Martin Luther King, Jr.~

I was about to start my life over again…New, different, improved, LIVING!!