Fear Not (Undergraduate Thesis story)

                                                                         Fear Not

            After a long needed visit to my doctor, I was informed that I was going to suffer great problems with my health if I didn't start walking everyday. I had missed my early walk and decided to take it in the evening. The sun was gone, the envelopment of night had overcome the city and I walked. I passed large buildings with flat faces, rails over each floor to catch the rain. The red brick was emanating heat from the days blistering sun pounding on its bright face. The windows tall and narrow, lining each floor, each window the twin of the next. The corners, crown molded in mortar to support the weight of the multi roomed apartments. This was scene right off of Sesame Street or maybe it was more of a look of the neighborhood like the Huckstables lived in, in Bill Cosbys sitcom.

Either way, the area I lived was warm and friendly, old and with lots of history. You had everyone from the business man who pulled a seventy hour work week to scattered homeless who never seemed to bother anyone and just weren't a threat. It is a rare neighborhood for the times we live in now and was probably one of the last. It wasn't 5^th Avenue but it wasn't a 5^th ward projects either. There is no fear for people walking the streets at night and believe it or not, the people here still look after each other. Everyone knows everyone's kids and everyone knows who is sleeping with whom; there are no secrets in this neighborhood. It isn't perfect, but it is home.

As I walked, I looked into the windows at familiar families having dinner or watching TV and reflected back on my life and the times I had up to this point in this neighborhood. As I passed each building, I would find an alley way, one of the many that separate the red brick monsters, lined with fire escapes and one lane wide blacktops for a car to pass through. Sodium lights at each intersection casting dark shadows down the walls where you can see the bricks very clearly in the immediate light. The light stretches down the maze of brick, reaching into the dark shadows, attempting to grasp the arm of its brother, only to stop at oblivion, before the next stretch of light. I could hear voices echoing off the walls from people shouting and kids playing just a few streets over. The alleys carry the sounds of busy street traffic driving on the overpass 10 blocks away. As I walked past one of these alleys, I heard a whisper

.

            "Pssssst….Hey, you, come here." Startled I turned and saw a small man, almost a dwarf if I had to compare the size but even a little smaller. He was familiar, but yet unfamiliar. I have met so many people over the years, as a matter of fact; I have even met a few dwarfs. He was thin but still healthy, wrapped in a blanket, sitting against a wall, playing solitaire. A sodium light above him cast an eerie shadow. I hate that feeling when you think you know someone but you don't, I didn't want to be rude and usually when I met someone like this around here that I don't know, they usually were looking for a little handout.

I never pass an open hand of need and leave it empty. If I have something to offer, I do. I always felt that if I had a place to sleep with a roof over my head and food to eat, I can always spare something. I figured he wanted some change and as I approached him, I dug into my pocket, feeling through the lint balls, house keys and pocket knife to get all I had to offer him. Apparently he saw what I was doing and said,

 "I don't want your change old man; I want to talk to you."

            I approached him with a little cautiously; I was not quite sure what it was I was facing. I do watch the news and no matter how much I think my neighborhood is safe, I am no idiot. I wasn't afraid as much as just felt creepy at this small mans presence. I couldn't see his face and he never looked up at me, he just kept flipping his cards over playing his game. It's a feeling I can't explain and until you yourself face it, you just can't understand. We started into a dialog.

"What is it you want from me sir?"

"Just a moment of your time..." A moment of my time I can spare for anyone…

"What is it I can do for you?"

"It's not what you can do for me sir, its what I can do for you."

Intrigued by this interaction, I squatted down to his level to try and see his face but was unable to see any features clearly. The light form the sodium bulb was causing his face to have dark shadows around him which hid his identity and a chill rose on my arm. Even with the chill, I was surprisingly at ease. I heard a child chant something off in the distance, from a street not to far away. A familiar verse but I still couldn't hear the words clearly. It was just an instant and it passed, my attention was back on the little man before me.

"What you can do for me? I don't think I understand...Are you ill sir?

"No, I am not ill, but I take it that you are."

"And what is it that leads you to this belief?"

"Your age, walking dark streets alone. There are no stores or markets near; this surely must be for exercise correct?" I was a little taken back by this statement but realized it was easy to piece that together with his reasoning.

"Well, as a matter of fact, my Doctor has informed me that if I don't get out and walk a bit I could suffer some health problems. I wouldn't want that to happen so I am just following his rules. Just doing what the doctor says so I can hang around a bit longer."

"You are a smart man. Does the idea of death concern you? Is it a fear that drives you? Is it a fear at all?" Odd questions I must admit but I have always been one for a good conversation no matter who it was and for some reason, this was a conversation that pulled at me. I heard that familiar chant again, again not hearing the words and again, only for an instant…

"Well sir...Do you have a name so that we can become a little more personal?"

"No, you do not need my name right now. Sir will do old man, you don't want to know me personally yet."

This was odd, but he's apparently homeless and usually my encounters with the homeless are encounters where one gets to experience different forms of mild to pretty severe psychosis. This guy wasn't dancing around yelling the aliens were coming or that he was the Messiah bringing the world to an end so I felt pretty safe. I continued our conversation…

"Very well….. No, I don't think I am afraid of death and why is it I should be concerned with the inevitable? I believe in the way Socrates stated it. If death is as they all say then I will be in the presence of greatness, if it is as others say and is simply the end, why would I care?? Or something like that anyway. Very strange question sir, are you OK?"

"Oh be assured, I am content, I died long ago old man, long ago. There are no ailments that can hurt me, I have experienced them all. Once you have done that, ailments are no longer an issue. I am here for other things."

"Very well, I think I understand. I am curious though as to why you would ask me such questions. What is it you are searching for from me?"

"I search for nothing, what I desire comes to me willingly. I do stop for people from time to time. It is part of the duties of my job. I don't mean to pry old man, I am simply curious, for my own needs I suppose; can I ask you a few questions? Again, just to feed my curiosity."

"Of course, I am in no rush."

            The little man stopped his card game and looked up at me. His features were still not clear, I could not make out details of his face but I could tell he was looking at me. Just as he started to speak…that chant…I heard that chant again from those kids. He slowly went on…

"Are you happy with your life, do you have any regrets, can you think of anything in your life that you would change to this point? What mistakes have you made that you would take back if you could? Where in life did you stumble that you wish you hadn't? Where in life did you drop the ball that you would go back and catch it differently?" Odd questions but very good ones I must admit. I thought for a moment in silence, almost to the point of an uncomfortable silence and the man never interrupted. Then I answered….

"Those are very good questions and require a little thought. I will tell you though; in this stage of my life, I would change nothing. It is all of those stumbles and mistakes and errors that I made that created who I am today. Although I am not proud of some of the things I have done, if I would not have done those things then I would have never experienced the desire to not do those things. Throughout life, every obstacle and every single thing you do defines who you are when you I look in the mirror. I have to honestly say, I am happy with what I see. If life were to end for me today, I would be happy knowing that I lived it to the fullest and did the very best I could have and I did it with integrity. I think I can look at myself and be happy with what I have accomplished. I have hurt people throughout my life, sure. Be assured, I have answered to every one of those times. I have done my best to do my part and although I have experienced times of being selfish and hurtful, I have also done good things. I see the world as a whole and realize that my life really isn't that bad. I have been blessed time and time again and at every blessing, I passed something on that was great to someone else. I truly feel I have lived a pretty balanced life and I wouldn't change one thing."

"Old man, you are blessed and the details of your life seem to be categorized very well. If what you say is true then your time here has been one of creation rather than those who wait for life to bring them greatness. That is a very rare trait indeed. I have met many people in my life and asked these same questions. Rarely do I hear responses such as yours. Thank you for feeding my curiosity.  I appreciate the time you have spent with me and I will take all you have said into consideration. I am sorry to have stopped your walk and interrupted your leisurely evening. Thank you for taking a moment of your time to spend with me answering questions which you didn't have to answer. Have a good night. I am sure we will meet again someday."

He looked back down at the stacks of cards and started again with his solitary game. I knew the conversation was over. I asked him once again if he needed anything. He slowly raised his hand and shook his head. I nodded my head respectfully at him and turned to continue my walk. As I walked away I said,

"Keep warm and be safe."

With the conversation still in my head, I took three steps or so, maybe five, I turned to look again and he was gone. I did not hear him run off and I did not see him anywhere. He was simply gone. As odd as it was, I felt nothing strange about it. I continued my walk and returned home. As I made my way down the street, I heard that faint, familiar chant again… I caught a piece of it this time, just a piece…

"Because I could………stop………kindly…………for………" And I could make out no more.

Odd, don't you hate it when something is right on the tip of your tongue, and you just can't grasp it? When something is just right there in front of you and you can't see it? That's how that chant was; it was familiar but I just couldn't place it.

            The days passed on the year was coming to a close. It had been almost six months now that I was walking my walks but they seemed to be getting harder for me to do and not easier as my doctor had told me they would. It was apparent that either my age was catching up to me or my exercise had come too little too late. Either way my health was diminishing.

It was winter now and the days were getting to cold for my old bones to walk. I was fortunate enough to live in one of those old houses that had a small fireplace in every room. I made a small cozy fire in my bedroom and settled into my bed to read. The room was warm and as always, I was comfortable nestled into my bed. As I started to read I experienced a very odd feeling. I cannot explain exactly what it was that I was experiencing but it was calm, rested, and peaceful. I read for a short time and started to get tired, very tired. I closed the book, set it on my nightstand and I dozed off.

I was in that place between deep sleep and waking. It's the place where images flash before you and just before you just settle into a dream. It was odd; I heard a faint, familiar chant in my ear.

 As I started to dream, I saw in my minds eye that little dwarf of a man, huddled in that alley and startled into what I thought was waking. It was like those times in your dreams where you fall from a tall place and wake just before impact.

When I opened my eyes I found I was in my bedroom but there was something different. Something different about how my room looked, about how it felt; not cold, not hot; those words wouldn't describe what I was feeling. This was a sensation I had never experienced and I haven't ever heard a word that would define this. As I looked around my room, I rose up on one arm on my bed and noticed a small, beautiful, angelic man who looked oddly familiar standing next to my bed. With a warming smile on his face, he said…

"Hello old man, do you remember me?" The voice was familiar and I immediately knew who this was.

"Yes, of course, you are the dwarf that I spoke to in the alley way not too long back. What are you doing here?"

Strangely, I asked this with no fear of this man being here in my room. He was not the huddled up little man in the alley now but even in the smallness of what he was, I saw such beauty...Beauty that was masked to me in shadows that night, hidden. "Beauty" which I could not see before, now revealed. Beauty was not the word to define it though. I can not think of a word to describe what I was seeing.

"Old man, you asked my name once and I refused. I had told you that you did not want to know me personally at that time. I am now here to get personal with you. I am death, I am here for you and as I said before, people come to me and here you are." Its funny, I wasn't afraid and I wasn't concerned. I was at peace with all of this. I looked to him and asked…

"So this is my time, I am done?"

He warmly smiled at me and said,

"Old man, you are never done, it is never over, it is eternal, I am only a very small part of what signifies eternity but I am here to guide you into what's next."

My room slowly turned into a very bright place. All of the material things were gone. I was still lying in my bed but it seemed to almost "float." Float wouldn't be the right word, I have no words to explain this experience. It seemed just for an instant but I suddenly became "aware." 

Aware wouldn't be the right word, another experience that no words can explain. I became "aware" that my conversation with death in that alley that night was nothing more than the "Devine" making me aware of the great life I had lead and experienced. It was a message to me so that I would know that everything was OK with me.

That night was an opportunity for me to reflect back on my life. Death showed me what life was and left me with just a bit more time to enjoy that experience.  I had no fear and I had no pain and I was excited to see what was next for me. I was calm and at ease and could not imagine why it was that I ever thought this experience would be one of fear. Why would something natural, such an essential part of life be something to fear?

            I got out of my bed and the small dwarf of death, the beautiful small dwarf walked up to me and extended his hand. As I took his hand, I heard that chant again and this time it was clear as the "brightness" I was experiencing, but brightness was not the word to describe it... The familiar chant went on...

"Because I could not stop for death,

He kindly stopped for me,

The carriage held but just ourselves,

And Immortality……….."

I remembered…I remembered where I had heard this chant. It is Emily Dickinson…She was right; she saw something and wrote it as best she could because there really is no word to describe this. As the verse rang on, hand in hand, this beautiful small, little dwarf of death walked me into what's next.