So as I sit here in this "calm after the storm" of my life now that the benefit for Kathi is over, I find myself contemplating what is next for me. I see myself stepping back into a "square that buzzes" (some of you know what I am talking about) and I am asking myself "why?"
I moved to the Hill Country to escape the rat race, to avoid the "drift" and to make my life spectacular... and I find I am slipping right back to where I was when I made this move. I am again, "involved in the community" trying to "establish myself" locally and DOING all the things I was DOING when I ran to the Hill Country.
As the fog is lifting, I am seeing that I am stepping away, once again, from who I BE in this world and I am starting to find dis-ease in that place. I WAS involved, I WAS established, I WAS active...and I WAS miserable!! And now, almost ten years later, I am slipping right back into that place again...WTF am I thinking!!??
I have found so much pleasure and energy from speaking to others, helping others find their greatness, serving others in such a way that their life takes on a richer, more vibrant and bright future... I saw two of my old parents from my parenting class tonight, both went at different times and both told me tonight that if I ever have another class, to let them know, because they want to come.
Now remember, these people came to my class the first time because they were forced to go by the system...Now, when they don't have to take it, they want to go again... To me, that is a "safe square" and I am not getting "buzzed" there.
I am working with a guy who I think so very highly of...Someone I was fortunate enough to work with on a couple of occasions with kids groups...A true "light spirit" and an inspiration... He has encouraged me over and over to get out and spread my message tot he public...Get on the speaking circuit and go for it.... And ya know, at this point, its the only thing that remotely sparks my interest.
Funny though, I was standing in a place just a year or two ago where this could have actually launched off in a BIG way, and I turned away from it and found another direction... I even clearly remember when I took the job at Medina Children's Home I was saying to myself "Man, this lecturing thing could really be it. But I am scared" and I took that job...
I actually remember saying "man, this is too scary to take on".... What if I bomb? What if I cant make money? What if I have to travel all the time? What if Donna gets tired of me being away? What if I am not as good as I think I am? WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF.......
You now, I truly believe that if there is something you don't like about someone else, it is almost ALWAYS because they have a trait that you see in them, that is in you, that you don't like about yourself... Some will argue this, and some will disagree because they refuse to look that closely at themselves, but I hate a hypocrite... Someone who says one thing and does another.... Do you have ANY IDEA how many times I have told people to stop with the "what ifs" and change their thinking to the "WHY NOTS?" And look at me, not even practicing what I preach...How hypocritical of me!
I spent the evening out there (at Medina Children's Home) tonight and was really happy to be out there, with those folks, seeing the kids, being around some of the people I had worked with, it was a really GREAT time for me to be there...It was crazy, insane, new ideas being tried out, breakdowns, breakthroughs.... But as I sat there, I knew that this job, or this type of job is just a place I am "comfortable" in and when I am comfortable, I get UN-comfortable... Does that make sense?
I was offered a Challenge tonight from my dear friend Kenya and he said he challenged me to have a web site done by January 1st... I accepted his challenge and am going to work and pursue getting back out to the masses.... Bringing my message and my story to others, standing in the front of the room and impacting others in such a way that they CHOOSE to take their life on in a bigger way. I really need to look in this fire, choose to own it, and take it on...
Like parachuting.... No one is really afraid of the free fall...Its really what most people want to experience.... its not even stepping out that door that is the most scary...whats the most scary is the unsured-ness (is that a word?) of where we will land and if the chute will open... Parachuters have faith, confidence, and a bit of insanity in them... That seems to be representative of who I am!!
Its time to JUMP, and TRUST THE PROCESS!!
What do you guys think?
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